I feel as small as an ant in a sprawling metropolis that is in a constant state of temporal and physical flux. It is huge and wrong and I am incapable of stopping it. I am Harry Potter and this is my mind.
I am alone now with nothing in this world but the feeling of hate and the waves of fear that radiate from the section of this city where Lord Voldemort resides. The waves of hateful emotions that expand outwards from this condemned block of thought cover most of the rest of the city. However there is one block that is doesn't affect. The rest of the city keeps fluctuating across my life. I see a glimpse of a huge snake writhing down one street while a swarm of Dementors rolls above me. Then they are gone and I am standing in the graveyard of Godrics Hollow but there is Dumbledore and Voldemort having their duel in the ministry over my parent’s graves.
Now I am standing on the beach-front of the city and looking out to sea. I can hear voices. I turn to face them and am confronted by a small group of people. Mum and Dad are there with smiles on their faces and beside them stands Sirius. He is clean shaven and looks like the young man he used to be before he went to Azkaban. Behind them are Remus and Tonks, hand in hand with a look of love in their eyes. Remus has none of the scars on his face and looks less thin and malnourished that he used to. Tonks also seems to have a sense of balance and a confidence that is new to her. I go to them.
“Harry” says mum and embraces me. I feel no warmth from the contact. These people are not real but have just been conjured by me.
“That’s right pup” says Sirius with a small smile.
“We are just figments of your imagination” Remus says “But we are just as real to you and Ron and Hermione are”
I can’t argue with this statement so I just nod, knowing that they will all understand what I want to say. All these people have a very special place in my mind and my heart. They are my family by blood and by proxy and, while they may be gone from the world, they still reside in me.
“That’s right Harry” says Tonks encouragingly “Nothing is forgotten, not completely. As long as one person still remembers something, that thing still exists.”
As I start to feel safer with my family around me I sense something coming. I turn and see a small black cloud in the distance and heading this way. But there is also a voice coming from it. A voice that I can hear and understand though I know none of the others can. Parseltongue.
“RUN” I try to yell, but it is of no avail. The cloud suddenly speeds up and engulfs the people next to me. Screams and cries come from within the roiling blackness of the cloud and then scalene descends. As the cloud moves away I can see what is left of my family. Mum and Dad are lying in crumpled heaps on the ground, Remus and Tonks are lying next to each other with their hands nearly touching and Sirius is nowhere to be found. I know why they are like this. This is how I last saw them all. Mum and Dad dead in Godrics Hollow after giving their lives to save mine. I see Remus and Tonks lying in Hogwarts great hall after the final battle. And Sirius has gone because he was cast through the Veil in the department of mysteries. So now I am alone again.
Seeing my family makes me think about my feelings. They are as conflicted as my life has been. My emptiness of never having a proper family. My hatred of the Dursleys and my desire to leave their house. My friendship with Ron but also my irritation of how pig headed he can be. My brief and abruptly truncated relationship with Cho and my romance with Ginny. All these emotions and people bring up only bad memories. When my parents died. The years of abuse I received at the Dursleys. Ron’s incapacity to see the truth of anything. Cho’s hysterical outburst in Hogsmead on Valentine’s Day. And Ginny’s snogging around with the whole of the male population of Hogwarts. Of course there is one person who, when I think of them, only brings up happy memories. Their smile, the way that their eyes would light up when I told them something that they didn’t know.
Even when I was with Cho and Ginny I never felt quite right. Cho was very pretty but I couldn’t form a cohesive sentence when I was around her, and I didn’t know what to say in any case. Ginny was easier to be around but I still didn’t feel like I was meant to be with her. She only cared about being Harry POTTER’S Girlfriend. She wanted to be Mrs Potter and have lots of money and expensive things and to be famous. She didn’t want HARRY Potter, The boy with the broken glasses and the messy hair. The thin boy with green eyes and a soft face.
But there is one person who wants me as I am. One person who is happy with me as I am and doesn't want me for my fame. As I think this I hear a rustle behind me, I turn and suddenly I am standing in the entrance hall of Hogwarts. I look down and I am in my dress robes and I know when I am. The Yule Ball. I hear a gasp from next to me and I see Ron and the Patil twins in their dress robes. Ron definitely looks like his Great aunt Tessy. I look at what they are looking at and I am struck dumb even though I have played this scene in my head everyday for the past 4 years. And even though I have loved this woman coming down the stairs since my second year I am still captivated by her beauty.
Hermione Granger walks down the last set of steps of the Grand staircase. Her shapely curves are enclosed in a periwinkle blue dress that seemed to both hug her body and float of its own accord. Her hair was not its usual bushy mess but it was long and wavy with small ripples near the ends and it seemed to shimmer in light from the torches. As she reached the bottom of the stairs Viktor Krum marched up to her and bowed politely. Her took her arm and threaded it through his and led her into the hall. As she walked past me she gave a small wave and a small grin.
The sight of the girl that I love dancing and enjoying herself with someone else hurt on the night and it has hurt every day since. When I see her now she doesn't look as happy as she did on that night but she is content with Ron. Sometimes. When she and Ron have a spat she always comes to me with it and I listen to what happened. I don’t get Ron’s side of thing cause I know Hermione would never lie to me. However there was one night that I am both ashamed and pleased about.
I was sitting in the living room of Grimmauld Place reading one of my Auror training books when there was a crack of apparition from the hall. I knew it was Hermione as she was the only one apart from me who could enter the house like that. She walked into the room with tears in her eyes and an uncertain gait. I rushed over to her and steadied her before she toppled over. As my arms went around her she collapsed into them and I pulled her over to the sofa and laid her down on it. As I turned away to get her some water she grabbed my shirt and pulled me down on top of her. She opened her eyes and they locked onto mine and they were both blazing with the fire of hate and cold as ice.
“Har-r-r-y” she stuttered out and then her lips were locked onto mine. My first reaction was to kiss her back but then my brain kicked in and I tried to pull away.
“Harry....Please” she said with a voice filled with longing and desire. I couldn't resist the voice or the chance. I leant in and pressed my lips to hers and this time neither of us pulls away.
I woke up and looked blearily around. I was lying on my bed and there was a weight on my chest and a breeze coming from the open window. I looked down to see a large bushy mound lying on my chest.
“Hermione” I asked softly.
“Wuuht” she said through a massive yawn.
“Tried much” I asked teasingly.
“Well we didn't get much sleep last night did we” she answered a little more coherently. “What time is it?”
I picked up my glasses from the side table and picked up my glasses.
“Half 9 in the morning” I said. At this she started.
“What!” she yelled and jumped out of bed and ran towards the bathroom. As she ran I was transfixed by the way her rear moved in synch with her movements and the way her hair waved from side-to-side with each step.
“Ron will be wondering where I have been” she said a little calmer when she emerged with wet hair and a towel wrapped around her body. While she had been in the bathroom I had got up and was just searching in my drawer to find a pair of boxers.
“Why it is not like this is the first time you have stayed out all night” I said as I found a pair of boxers and pulled them on.
At this comment she just gave me a withering look and, pulling her clothes from last night on, she left the house.
And that is how it started. Every fortnight or so Hermione would come round to me after a row with Ron and we would make love for the evening. This has been going on for nearly a year now and even though they are now married me and Hermione still see each other but now we do it when Ron is on an overseas mission so as to ensure our privacy. I did tell her that I loved her and she said that she loved me back but that she didn't want to divorce Ron because he would make it a horrible long and painful experience for all three of them. We both wish that things could have been different.
So there it is. My inner-most deepest thoughts. I would give anything to have the chance to change it all. And as I sit on this ledge looking down at the 50 storey drop I think that there is no chance of it happening. Goodbye.