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5 Ways To Annoy Artemis Fowl

By The_Fourth_Wall

Fantasy / Humor

Chapter 1

1. Cover his study in pink

Fowl Manor, 6:00 a.m.

The winter morning dawned bright and cold: just the way Artemis liked it.

He got up, stretched briefly and briskly walked across the floor of his room towards the bathroom. He turned on the light. The marble floor made his feet feel cold and uncomfortable, so he brushed his teeth as quickly as was possible to obtain proper dental hygiene and rushed out of the room.

On that day, Artemis felt rather excited at the thought of finally finishing his paper on an altogether new process of nuclear fission. It was long due and had been so startlingly obvious that he wondered at the fact that the scientists before him – dumb as they were – had not noticed it.

That said, you could not exactly call Artemis Fowl excited in any circumstances, but today was an exception. Today, he thought, was not a day for loitering. Today was a day for work.

He slipped out of his bedroom and into the hallway, closing the door behind him as he went. He gave a brief nod to Butler, who was just coming back from his daily training session. Soon, he came to stand before the familiar door of his study. And he froze.

In normal circumstances, he would have come face to face with a tarnished bronze doorknob and a stout oak door with a name plate bearing the words: Study of Artemis Fowl II. When he was younger, it had been his father’s, but when his father went missing, he had used it for his own devious purposes. And when Artemis Fowl I came back, he had relinquished the study to his son, drawing up another room for his use. Thus the name plate.

Apparently, these were not normal circumstances.

The door, as well as the knob, had been painted pink: his least favorite color. It was an annoying color. It was the bane of his existence. And it was left slightly ajar.

Nevertheless, he decided to brave the door. After completing his paper, he would sue (and needless to say, terrorize) whoever was responsible for the prank.

He stepped into his study. And was amazed, angry and not-so-astonished (given the door) to see the entire place draped in pink.

Pink walls. Pink ceiling. Pink fake fur covered floor. Pink painted desk. And worse, but not worst, pink laptop covers.

But he had less then a second to appreciate this cerise-colored magnificence. For from the top of the door, when he walked into the place, a bucket tumbled down onto his head, covering him from head to toe in pink dye.

His mind sprung into calculation mode, whipping out various possibilities. And in a matter of microseconds, he came to a conclusion.

There were only four people in the world with the resources, finesse and knowledge to accomplish something like this. The initial thought was Opal Koboi, but firstly, she was in a maximum security fairy prison. And secondly, this wasn’t her style.

The next was Butler, but he would never do something like this.

Third was Juliet, who would have been more than happy to do it, but she was out of town…

This left only one person.


Haven, Police Plaza, OP Booth, 11:00 a.m. F.S.T. (Fairy Standard Time)

Holly, Foaly and Mulch gave each other high fives. “Mission accomplished!” exclaimed Mulch gleefully.

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