I laid in bed shaking again. My right hand gripping the flannel sheets that covered my bed. Shadows danced across the lavender walls of my room that were shaded by the dark of night. My fears always bothered me just before I fell asleep. My name is Laura and I have something called OCD. Mine is different than what you might have heard of. For you see, there are people who fall into different categories with this disorder. Some wash their hands constantly or check locks multiple times. I fall into the category of doubters and sinners.
I have rituals that force me to stop what I'm doing and do certain things before I can keep going. I feel forced to do them or the phobia's and fears I have will over take my mind completely. Sometimes I even force myself to throw up. The rituals are activated when I see something that really bothers me, causes me stress, or sometimes they react on their own. It's not easy, they get the worst at night. It's hard for me to relax, so I normally stay up late until I'm so tried that I'll fall asleep right away and my OCD won't bother me. I couldn't do that tonight though, because my boyfriend was spending the night.
We weren't planning to make love or anything, just hold each other through out the night. His name is Yusei Fudo. I'm pretty sure you've heard of him. He's a champion duelist and a master mechanic. Anything you need fixed, he can do. He has dark raven like hair with gold streaks. It's in the shape of a crab which is kind of funny. His skin is a tan color which fits his build really well. The one thing I love most about Yusei however is his eyes. There a deep, blue color but not like the ocean. There the deep midnight color of blue that you could only see on a night that was clear and full of stars.
When I first met Yusei though, I wasn't really sure what to think about him. He was quite, but friendly. Always focused and serious but relaxed at the same time. Yet as I got to know more about him I could tell how passionate and brave he was. The two of us formed a strong bond of friendship and even became dueling partners. When I finally got the guts to tell Yusei my feelings, I couldn't believe his reaction. Yusei blushed deeply and gasped in surprise, moved by how I confessed to him. He smiled gently as he embraced me and returned my feelings.
From then on, being in Yusei's arms always made me feel safe. It's why I love just being held by him. It calms me down. Tonight though I'm staying away from him. I'm staying on my side of the bed because my rituals are bad tonight. The last thing I needed was to freak my boyfriend out by having him see my rituals. I also sometimes made noises so I couldn't let that bother him either. If I was too loud, I could just say that I was deep breathing or something. I was able to hide it like before. I felt bad always having to lie for myself, but it was easier than explaining a weird disorder I have. I've only told a few people about my disorder.
Yet I never told Yusei because I was afraid of what he would say. I know he's not the type to judge people, I just don't want him to treat me any differently than the way he does now. I also didn't want to burden him with this. Many people have complained about my rituals already. After thinking about all this, it wasn't too long before I started to pant in a rythm again, which was one way of how I dealt with my rituals. I was surprised when I suddenly felt a pair of strong and familiar arms wrap around my body. I heard Yusei moan in tried tone of voice. I could feel a shiver of pleasure goes up my body as he whispered my name in my ear.
"Laura...are you okay?"
"What do you mean, Yusei?"
"Is it bothering you again?"
I gasped nervously. He must have heard me panting before. I quickly breathed to calm down and tried to bluff.
"Is what bothering me?" I asked.
"Whatever is bothering you that you won't tell me about." Yusei answered.
"You think I haven't noticed? I've seen how you act when you think no ones looking. You breath in a patteren and mumble certain things. You jump and become scared every time we go into a movie store, as if your trying to avoid something. I know how you try to hide it from people, whatever it is. But you can't hide it from me." Yusei said.
I pulled away from him and started to cry. Yusei was onto me, and I knew he was just going to treat me like handicap once I explained things to him. I got out of bed, falling to my knees and wrapped my arms around myself. I was scared, which made me pant and shake worst. I was so afraid, anxious, and unable to stay calm at the thought of Yusei leaving me once he knew about my disorder. Thinking he would be disgusted. I heard Yusei quickly get up from the bed. Coming to me quickly in concern. I screamed out at him as he came closer, trying to keep him away.
"Laura, what's wron-"
"I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE! P-please...just...go away. Please Yusei..."
For a moment things were quiet as I sobbed. Until something happened, something I didn't expect to happen. I felt Yusei's arms wrap around my shoulders from behind. Laying his head into my neck as he comforted me. I could feel everything about him surround me. His warmth, his sent and the softness of his hair that slightly tickled my face. I could hear Yusei take a deep breath before he spoke.
"Laura, I'm not scared of you. I'm scared for you. When you start panting or make noises or get this bad, I become so afraid for you. I don't know what it is that makes you like this. But whatever it is, you don't have to fight it alone. Let me help you, tell me what's wrong so I can understand. I don't care how bad it is, nothing will make me abandon you. I swear, just tell me what's wrong, please?"
I cried, feeling happy and nervous at the same time as I turned around, wrapping my arms over Yusei's neck. After calming down, I then explained everything to Yusei. He stayed quite the whole time until I was finished. When I was done, Yusei came close to my face and I closed my eyes with a sigh, feeling his lips wipe the tears from my eyes. I opened my eyes again and looked into Yusei's blue ones. They held no sign of hate or disgust in them. They held acceptance and concern. After a moment of silence, Yusei spoke. His voice was soft and quite just like before.
"I see. You didn't tell me about your disorder because you didn't want me to worry. You thought that you'd become a burden to me if you did. Or that I would get annoyed and leave you. Is that it?" Yusei asked.
I looked up at him with shocked eyes as I nodded. How could he have known that? Yusei answered my question with a small laugh and slight smirk on his face. As if he was reading my mind.
"Don't look so surprised, Laura. I love you, I know you better than you think."
"I love you too Yusei. That's also why I didn't say anything. I thought you would treat me differently. Like you were going to tell me to get over it or something like that. I mean I know you wouldn't normally. But my OCD tends to drive people crazy. Even my Dad thinks it's just some faze I'll grow out of. I just wanted you to like me for me. Not feel pity for me cause of my disorder. Is that wrong?" I asked.
Yusei answered me by wrapping me up in his arms again. Holding me gently as he rubbed my back in small circles.
"Of course not. You silly girl, I would never be with someone just out of guilt or pitty. I'm with you because I do love you for who you are. With or without your disorder. Your everything to me. And I wanted to know because I want to help you. Not judge you. Whatever you need to help you with this, I'll do all I can. I promise, I 'll protect you from the nightmares. So that you'll be safe in your dreams. " Yusei vowed.
I held returned Yusei's embrace with a smile as he held me. I felt so lucky right then and there that he was in my life. The rest of the night, Yusei held me close. We laid right beside one another. He stroked my hair carefully, whispered comforting things. Never before had I felt so safe than I did at that moment.
My OCD will always continue to act up every now and again. It's part of me, and I know I have to over come it on my own. Yet, so long as have those like Yusei, who love and encourage me, then I know I can get through this and move on. I now know that no matter what, Yusei would be by my side. To help me conquer all of my fears and never judge me. He excepts me for all that I am. For that, I will always love him and be forever grateful. I also hope that when a day comes that Yusei face a difficult challenge, that I can stand by his side.
Just as he stood by mine.