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Behind Black Eyes

By TinuvielBrazilXXI

Drama

Behind Black Eyes

No one knows what it’s like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man 

Behind blue eyes

They are all looking at me as I walk down the path leading me to my destiny. Many different stares, but most of them show the same thing: Hate. Some of them show pity, some of them show anger, some, coldness, but most of them show only hate, pure and simple. I see the Potter boy looking at me, hate in his green eyes, so like his mother’s. I see Frank and Alice’s son, hating me as well; if he only knew that he is alive because I stopped Rodolphus, that every night I ask the heavens for forgiveness for what Rodolphus forced me to do to them. The werewolf is the only one that pities me. Maybe he knows what made me ask for this destiny. Ha, as if I needed his pity. He still has Lily’s son to look after before he is rejoined with his dear Klarana Gracey, my best friend, already waiting him on the other side.

Funny, I remember a muggle song while I’m walking down the rough path to meet my destiny. I remember hearing it a couple of times while in muggle London. It is called Behind Blue Eyes. I don’t remember the singer but the lyrics are very fitting for this moment. They don’t know what it means to have everyone saying that you were branded evil even before you were born.

The Dark Side lost. Not that I care. I had already lost the two most important things in my life, so why should I care? One of them, my only friend, Klarana Gracey. Surprisingly I never cared that she was a muggle born Slytherin, she saw beyond my mask and even pretended to be a pure blood witch so my parents would never forbid our friendship, and even her parents pretended to be pure bloods so I could spend the summers with them. The only person that was truly beside me when my only love didn’t rescue me from my blasted marriage with that monster. She was beside me every time I needed her and I was beside her almost every time she needed me. Ironically, the time she needed me the most I couldn’t be beside her. It was when she was killed. Funny, she could be with the werewolf that was always with that filthy rat, my cousin and the Potter looser, but instead chose to research werewolves, trying to find a cure to him. She was killed because she found out things she shouldn’t about the oh so called Dark Lord. Now he waits his time here while she waits him there.

No one knows what it’s like

To be hated

To be fated

To telling only lies

The second thing is my only love, the most important thing in my oh so wonderful life. If he only knew what I’ve been reduced to. Proud Bellatrix, reduced to a fucking toy. Yes, with every letter, in the very meaning of every word, because that is what I was to Rodolphus, a toy that he could have sex with, were I willing or not. Usually I wasn’t willing to, so he would force his way into me. Hell, who am I kidding? I was never willing. He disgusted me. I don’t know how my parents could force me into marrying him. Many times I told my mother that Rodolphus was raping me, beating me to an inch from death but the only thing she would tell me was that I wasn’t being a good wife, that I should try harder to be a good wife and then everything would work out. Good wife? Good fucking wife?! I don’t want to even think what my excuse of a father did to her for her to have those ideas. But I couldn’t tell anyone else. I was scared of what Rodolphus would do if he found out. Maybe that was why I helped Andromeda out of the house and told father to blast her of the family as she was already corrupted when the last thing I told her was to be happy for me, to live my share of happiness.

Maybe what made me have the guts to kill my only love that day, in this very same room was the anger, the thought, the feeling that he could have saved me from my living nightmare, if he had only turned up in my fucking marriage. I would gladly leave everything behind if he said to me to follow him, but no, he had to be wrapped up too tightly in his ideas that I was what I showed to the outside world when he came from the same world I came, where a smile has a thousand significances, maybe even meaning that the poison could be put in the glass of wine instead of the cup of tea. No, he never knew, he never realized that while I was calling him ‘bloody traitor’ I wanted to say ‘please, save me, I beg you my love’.

But my dreams

They aren’t as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I know the guilt is mostly mine. I never showed him anything. I never told him I loved him. But how could I? Sirius was always surrounded by the most beautiful girls in entire Hogwarts and he would always acknowledge my approach with hateful looks, his mouth forming a thin line, his brows furrowing; he would always spite at me, always chew my head of, always tell me to ‘sod off’.

It always seemed that he had forgotten the only time we were ourselves. We were ten. I was at his parents’ house, and both his and my parents had gone out with Regulus, Andromeda and Narcissa, leaving just us for an entire day. We walked half of muggle London around, went to the movies, ate popcorn, laughed, talked…, we were ourselves that day. That was also the day I received my first kiss, from him. I never forgot that, even if I believe he did.

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That’s never free

I know everyone in this room think they are doing me a favor, and I don’t blame them. I am just glad that Fudge did everyone the favor to get himself killed two years ago, a year after I killed my love. Now Arthur Weasley is the new Minister. I trust he will do a great job. He already started by asking me what was my last wish after my hearing, in which I was condemned. I won’t give them the pleasure of seeing the Dementor sucking my soul. No sir, my love will die with me, it won’t live inside the dark depths of that filthy creature. No, I told them I wanted to have the same fate as Sirius: be thrown through the Veil, to never return, ever again. Of course they had to agree, that was my last wish, I hadn’t asked to be set free. They had what they asked for. Of course it was written all over "The boy who defeated the Dark Lord's face that he thought that to be an outrage. How could I, Sirius Black’s killer ask to be thrown through the very same Veil he fell through. If he only knew, I’m sure he would have a heart attack. I believe Neville thinks the same. I just wish that Alice could tell him, some day, that I only did what they asked for. Especially Alice. She saw what was waiting for me in my house if I didn’t torture her and Frank to madness. Rodolphus used the Cruciatus curse on me right in front of them for refusing to use it on them. Of course I never produced a sound, but it was obvious to even them that he would never torture me into madness, so silently, she told me to do whatever I needed to her, but to spare her son. Men will never understand how a woman’s mind works. Sometimes, we can know what the other wants with just a glance. Silently I asked her forgiveness, which she gave me. I tortured her first, then I tortured Frank, but I never tortured them into fully madness, just enough to keep them safe in St. Mungo. I believe no one knows that they just don’t have a proper sense of time and space, that, with proper care, they could live perfectly outside that hospital. Of course I asked a friend of mine, that I met many years ago, to try to help them. Njord Nospheratus, a very skilled wizard and an expert on the field of Cruciatus and its effects. It’s been years since he started looking for a cure of the effects of too much time under it. I just hope that he succeeds before Alice and Frank die. Neville got out of that terror practically unscratched, but I didn’t. I still have the marks on my back to prove it, and I guess that after that night, even if I was with Sirius right now, I could never give him a child. I don’t believe that is much of my womb left after that night.

No one knows what it’s like

To feel these feelings

Like I do

And I blame you

I still have all of that here inside me. I still hear Alice and Frank’s screams inside my head, although they tried not to produce a sound. I still see every crime I committed when I close my eyes. Not a nice thing to see, mind you. But those feelings usually come with the anger that Sirius could have saved me, if he wasn’t too blind, if he just talked to me, if he just asked me, in secret, why I acted like I did. I would have told him. But I was never half as brave as him. Not one single bit. I was, no, I AM a coward. Even now, I’m afraid. And it is all his fault. If he had at least turned up to my marriage, I would have left Rodolphus and all the other guests right there if he asked me to go with him. But no, he had to let me marry that monster, he had to let me become a Death Eater, had to let Rodolphus do everything he did to me, had to make Rodolphus force me to not deny Voldemort and also go to Azkaban, where I would see all my crimes every minute, every second of those fourteen years in that place. It was all Sirius fault.

No one bites back as hard

On their anger

None of my pain and woe

Can show through

But I can’t really blame him, I try, but in the end the only one to blame is me. I never showed him the real me. I was too scared that he would reject me, and that, I couldn’t bear. I preferred to live with the doubt that maybe we could have been happy than live being certain that he hated me.

But my dreams

They aren’t as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That’s never free

Well I know what is like

To be mistreated

To be defeated

Behind blue eyes

I’m almost at the Veil. They will free my hands only when we get there. I know Mad Eye Moody, who is by my left side, doesn’t think this is a good idea, well,what can I say, the man has always been paranoid with his ‘constant vigilance’, but Tonks, who is by my right side, thinks there is not much I could do. I’m walking on my bare feet, with just a simple white dress that goes down to my knees and a rope tying it to my waist and my hands are tied, besides, even as skilled as I am in Apparating, it is winter out there and these clothes don’t have a warming charm on them. If they are not careful, I’ll freeze before I reach the Veil. I can sense one of the Weasley’s kids glaring holes at my back, Percy I believe. He is following us, to make sure I don’t try anything, his wand is pointed at my back. Please, boy, don’t waste your energy, I’m used to glares, they don’t bother me, besides, you’ll never match Sirius glare, the only one I bothered.

I feel like crying, strangely it is a mix between fear and relief. Soon I’ll be with him, but also I think that maybe, we’ll never be together, what scares me. I couldn’t bear an eternity without him, but I won’t let them see me break. I’m defeated, but I’m still a Black, I won’t let them see my tears, something that not even my Sirius ever saw.

No one know how to say

That they are sorry

And don’t worry

I’m not telling lies

People say that, when you are about to die, you see your entire life in a flash. All the good and the bad things you did. They are right. I’m already in front of the Veil and I feel like seeing my entire life passing in front of me. Everything pointing that my reward for everything I did will be to spend the eternity away from him. If anyone could read my mind right now, they would be shocked to know that me, Bellatrix Black (I don’t like being called Bellatrix Lestrange, I never asked to be Bellatrix Lestrange), is scared senseless. Like a child, afraid of the boogie man. But I am.

But my dreams

They aren’t as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That’s never free

They are untying my hands now. I wish I could rub my wrists for a while. Well, I’m going to die in a few moments, so why not? I rub them and I feel that Moody is ready to pull out his wand at any suspect movement. I just smile, relieved to know that even defenseless I still scare them. It is a sadistic feeling, I know, but it feels good.

No one knows what it’s like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes

The moment has come. I take a deep breath and face the Veil in front of me. The same Veil that swallowed my love three years ago. I feel a breeze in my face, like a caress. It feels nice.

Weird thing is, the breeze sounded strangely like a voice, his voice, telling me to go, to meet him on the other side, that he is waiting for me.

“Come, my Bella, I’m waiting for you. Our place is already ready, I took care of everything. Now I know what was behind your black eyes. Now I know what was that light that always blinded me. The light of your love, hidden behind black eyes.” The voice says to me.

I know that it is him, and I know that he is talking to me, and just me. Talking to my heart. I know it must have looked really strange to everyone who was looking at me, but I don’t care, I’ll be with my love shortly. I close my eyes, letting a single tear roll down my cheek, a tear of happiness and I smile, my first true happy smile in so many years, and I open my arms, throwing myself through the Veil, letting myself fall into his already waiting arms. I know he will catch me from my fall, he told me he would be waiting for me. He told me that now he knew what was behind my black eyes.


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