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The Recipe to a Good Quidditch Game

By TheUnregisteredAnimagi

Humor

Chapter 1

"Welcome students, professors, trolls, hippogriffs, vampires, werewolves, Peeves, Hagrid, Minnie and all other unimportant guests to the 1988 Annual Quidditch World Cup! Or the Hogwarts version anyway. Today, it is my pleasure to introduce myself, the handsome, amazing, extraordinary, attractive, impeccable, handsome, astonishing, mind-blowing, mind-boggling…"

"Black…"

"…sorry Minnie. Oh, and did I mention handsome?"

"BLACK!"

"Which one?… No need to look at me like that, Minnie, you see, there's two of us. There is the really ugly git… Oops! Shouldn't have said that. I'll make a mental note…"

"MR BLACK! Please introduce the players."

"Right you are there, Minnie! Well, just appearing to the right here are the GRYFFINDORS! Up the front there is the unbeatable seeker, Caradoc Dearborn, followed by the beaters, Fabian and Gideon Prewett, no wait, Gideon and THEN Fabian. Actually, I believe that the latter is false. Its Fabian first…"

"Oh, sweet Merlin!"

"It's Sirius actually, Professor… anyways, back to my commentary! I have absolutely no idea why I am doing it in the first place. However, it may involve a bet between the Hornie-Slug and Minnie…"

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!"

"How the bloody hell do you know my middle name? ANYWAYS, behind the twins come the chasers, Marlene McKinnon, Alice Longbottom – yes, fellas, we don't need to be Professor Trelawney to figure that one out – and JAMES POTTER! Captain and self-employed star chaser! Oh, and behind that is Dorcas Meadows. Oi Meadows, you free this Saturday?"

"Mr Black, would you mind keeping your personal life out of this?"

"My bad, Minnie. And that, my friends, is the GRYFFINDOR TEAM! That's right, keep the cheers coming! On the other side, come the Slobberins!"

"Sytherins, Black"

"Sorry, Professor. First, comes the pathetic keeper, Doorknob…"

"Dolhov"

"…won't happen again, Minnie... followed by the idiotic beaters, Grabbe and Coyle."

"Crabbe and Goyle. And no personal comments."

"Yeah that. After that come the chasers, Snivellus, Malfoot and Lastrangle…"

"Snape, Malfoy and Lestrange"

"And then comes the ugly git and revolting seeker that I was talking about earlier, Black."

"The first correct one, Sirius."

"You don't expect me to remember all those wretched names, do you Professor?"

"For Merlin's sake, could you PLEASE start the game?"

"Right. The whistle is blown and... LOOK AT IT GO! POTTER'S NIMBUS 1500! EASILY OUT-FLYING THE CLEANSWEEPS! MAXIMUM SPEED OF 200KM/H…"

"BLACK… ARE YOU HERE TO ADVERTISE POTTER'S NEW BROOM OR COMMENTATE?!"

"Easy there professor. That's it. Breathe in, breathe out, relax, breathe in, bre..."

"Shut up"

10 mins later…

"Mr Black, are you going to commentate, or not?"

"You did request me to shut up."

"For Merlin's sake, will you start? And for your convenience, the score is 60-70."

"To Gryffindor?"

"No, Slytherin"

"Slobberin? SLOBBERIN?"

"Yes, Black, Slytherin."

"PRONGS! WHAT THE RUDDY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP TALKING TO EVANS AND SCORE SOME GODDAMN GOALS!"

"Language, Mr Black, and you are speaking into a microphone, incase you've forgotten. I would like to maintain my hearing for a few more years."

"The quaffle is passed to Malfoot, who passes it back to Lastrangle, back to Malfoot, who aims for the goals… AND INTERCEPTED BY MEADOWS! Oh, look at that! Meadows made her first move for the match! Well done, but may I also add that you should probably look towards your right, where Grabbe is aiming a bludger at you? And Minnie, would you consider it to be rude if I kindly offered to give Snivellus some advice to wash his slimy hair, preferably BEFORE potions? Because he just so happens to be my partner, thanks to the Hornie Slug."

"Slughorn, Mr Black. And no, that would be slightly biased and earn you a weeks worth of detentions."

"OOOOHHHHH! Well done, Prongsie! Another goal to GRYFFINDOR! Making the scores even. 70-70. GOOOOOOO GRYFFINDOR, GO-GO-GO- GRYFFINDOR!..."

"Commentators are unbiased, Mr Black, and if you don't stop screaming into the megaphone within the next 5 seconds…"

"Message received, Professor. Moving on, Malfoot has the Quaffle, who passes it to Lastrangle…"

"Malfoy and Lastra… OH NEVER MIND! I GIVE UP!"

"Sorry Professor. Besides, look to the right there. Dear old Fabian… or Gideon… is aiming a bludger at Black! No, not me, the ugly one. We're in for some fun!"

"I would prefer it if you didn't give away some of Gryffindor's tactics along the way."

"Right you are, Minnie! Anyway, Slobberin in possession. Again. Black passes it… correction, Black tries to pass it, but Potter intercepts, and speeds with the quaffle to the goals… AND SCORES! GO GRYFFI… Sorry, unbiased commentary. Got it. 80-70 to Gryffindor! Slobberin in possession… And look over there! Dearborn speeds off to the right, towards the Hufflebuff stands. HE SEES THE SNITCH! Black's not far behind. Actually, for entertainment proposes, he's miles behind. Dearborn reaches out… come here, snitchy. That's it. Keep it coming, just an inch more… AND HE'S GOT IT! THE CUP IS OURS! FELLOW GRYFFINDORS AND OTHER OVERLY IMPORTANT PEOPLE SUCH AS MYSELF, PARTY IN THE COMMON ROOM AT 7! BRING ALL DRINKS AND...!

"GO, GRYFFINDOR, GO-GO-GO-GRYFFINDOR! GO, GRYFFI…"

"MINNIE? Is that you? Are you sure you're all right in the head, Professor?"


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