Living in the past

Emptiness. That's the only thing that I can find in my mind. When I walked in … I knew there would be wounded. I knew people risked their lives to help the wizarding world. But this I hadn't expected. I walk down the wounded. And there he lies. Surrounded by his family. Nobody except George maybe, knew about our secret love. But this, I can't handle it. It's to much. When I was around him everything was so much more fun. Life itself was much more fun. And all of that just vanished. My life just fell to pieces. Without even noticing I had walked to Mrs. Weasley and fell into her arms. I began to cry in her arms.

I did to little, to late.

I knew it was not my fault but if I had searched for him when I was done with Ron than maybe I could've saved him. All sorts of scenarios played inside my head. What if I hadn't go with Ron and stayed with Fred instead. What if Fred was somewhere where else instead. Would he have lived?

''Sweatie what's wrong?'' Mrs. Weasley asks as kindly as always. I just continue to cry. If I would say something now than nobody would understand it. I have to be calm to explain it.

-= After the War =-

After Harry destroyed the Elder Wand everyone gathered and we got to the Burrow.

Fred was here too. He lies in his old room. In his own bed. George is devastated. He's more wounded than I am. With some luck I can survive this. But George, his brother was his life. His everything. He can't live without thinking about his brother. Every time he looks in the mirror he sees his brother.

It was like a dementor had sucked all the life of him. Everyone tried to talk to him but in the end the only one who could talk to him was I. We shared a bond. Both of us locked ourself in our room until the funeral. I sat next to George and we wept and we cried. We sat there grieving.

I hat wrote a speech about our love and how much I am gonna miss him. I said that I know that he wants me to move on. Remember him on his birthday and every other day. But just find someone else to fall in love with. Have a family and grow old. But on the end of my speech I just burst out into tears. I fell harry guide me from the podium to my seat. I fell in George arms and we cried in each others arms. After the funeral we didn't stay with the family. We both goth to the room where Fred and George once slept. We just sat there on the bed. I don't know what George was thinking but it was comfortable. It didn't feel right. I just kept saying to myself ''this is a nightmare, in a short time you're gonna wake up and he will be there!'' but when I fell asleep everytime I dreamed about Fred lying there. All the live sucked out of him. And that smile still plastered on his face. That smile that always hunted me. Wherever I go, when someone smiles I always see Fred's face. But when I wake up and open my eyes, there's no Fred and only George who still will not come out of his room. Live felt live a nightmare. I saw no point at waking up in the beginning. But I knew Fred didn't want that. He wanted me to be happy. And I try to. But some moments are just trying to kill me. When I am with George, than I am the happiest. But other times I am just trying to be happy. Such as when I heart that harry had asked Ginny to marry him. I was happy for a second before I was thinking of Fred again and I just wanted to cry. Yes Ron kissed me in the chamber of secrets but I did nothing with it. I felt nothing for him and I still feel nothing for him. When I am alone I take a look again in my dairy. Look at all the things that I wrote on the day that Fred kissed me for the first time. It kills me to do that. And after I have done that I am more broken than before. But to remember that makes me happy afterwards. To know that maybe someday I will be happy again. Some people I know from school are happier than ever but I think that George and I are the people who are the most broken. And most of the times you can repair something but on the moment we are not to be repaired. It's the feeling that always something is missing that keeps you from being not sad all the time. Yes I was sad when I had to leave my parents but I feel thousand times worse. It's something that never would be healed. In the months that passed I moved in with George. He didn't want to go back alone to the place where he and Fred lived. So I moved in with him. Because we could grieve together. We could help each other. Because we did that before. And I fell comfortable when I was around him. Maybe it was what Fred wanted. That we helped each other so that we both could live on. But on the moment I couldn't think about falling in love with someone else. It was as if I was cheating on Fred. But on the moment I could live my life with George helping him. And he helping me to live on. And maybe someday in the future I would have a family. And every minute of everyday I would think of Fred and thanking him that he once loved me.

A/N: around a year ago 3 people of my family died in 3 months time. It was for me a disaster. I had a really hard time (still have). And I hope this will help me to not every time burst out in tears when I or someone else talks about them. I hope you liked the story (as far as you can like it).