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Hey, Christian, d'you get laid? Oh! Hi, Ana!

By JustValeP

Romance / Humor

Hey, Christian, d'you get laid? Oh! Hi, Ana!

Disclaimer:  I don’t own the characters (except for Lily), nor any recognizable lines. Those and the main plot belong to E. L. James.

Hi! Thanks for reading this one-shot! And thanks Sofi for correcting it.

I hope you like this.


May 20, 2011

I sit down at the dining table in front of my beautiful Kate with a cup of coffee in my hands. Last night and this morning were fucking awesome. I always have one night stands and leave as soon as the woman I’ve fucked falls asleep. But not last night. I have many reasons for it.

One of them is that Kate is amazing, not just to spend time in bed with but also to chat with. She’s fun and smart and she knows it. Another one is that my brother drove me last night to the bar and then Kate drove us to her apartment. So, basically, I have no car here. Then, there is the fact that if I had taken a taxi back to the hotel, Christian would have been there with that pretty brunette Ana in our suite. And that hotel room might be as big as an apartment, with multiple bedrooms and such, but if my brother was going to get laid by the first time, I was not going to be there. Well, they probably would have been done and asleep by the time I arrived, but I didn’t want to be the third wheel in the morning.

Also there’s this thing about Ana and Kate being friends. If I had left, I would have been the bad guy. The last thing Christian needs right now is being the brother of the ‘bad boy’ who fucked his new girlfriend’s best friend.

This morning I realized that if I had returned home last night, I would have met Ana. This girl has captured my brother’s heart. Last night, we were playing with the X-box when that annoying cell phone of his ringed by the hundredth time. Or maybe it was the twelfth... Anyway, he checked the caller I.D. and answered the phone.

“Anastasia?” He says. Since when, for all that’s holly, does he call people by their first name?

“Anastasia? Are you ok? You sound strange.” He sounds... worried? Who is this Anastasia that makes by brother worry for a human being? Ok, that didn’t come out right. I know he worries about people. He pays an excessive amount of money to his employees and he donates millions of dollars to different organizations. And he also cares very much for his family.

What I meant to say was: Who is this Anastasia that makes by brother sound worried for a human being? Since when does he express his feelings? He reminds me to the Grinch sometimes, for crying out loud.

Apparently, this Anastasia of his has been drinking. In a bar. But she won’t tell which. And it seems to annoy control-freak-in-love Christian. This is so funny.

“Ana, so help me, where the fuck are you?” He sounds mad. I hold back my laugher. Hmm... so she is Ana now, isn’t she?

“Where in Portland?” So the bar is nearby. This should be... interesting.

“Ana!” He looks down at his phone. I guess she hung up on him. Hold on! She hung up on him? Oh my God! This one goes to history.

Without looking up, he calls Welch and asks him to track her cell phone.

“I’m going out. I’ll be back in about an hour” he tells me.

“I’m not idiot, nor deaf. I’m going with you!” I have to meet this girl! Not only has she made my brother act all goofy and smitten, but she also hung up on him! She’s my new hero.

By the way, she’s a girl. Half of me agreed with my parents and thought he was probably gay. The other half though he was straight but scared to be with women because of the no-touching issue. Not to mention that at social skills he is worst than Sheldon form The Big Bang Theory.

Before he has time to tell me I’m not going with him, he receives an e-mail and smiles. I guess Welch found his precious Ana. He presses a bunch of buttons and puts his cell next to his ear. “I’m coming to get you” he says, sounding threatening, and hangs up on her. I guess that makes them even on what hanging up on the other concerns, but nobody ever hangs up on the Christian Grey, so she’s still my fucking hero.

He rushes out the door and I follow him before he can leave me behind. I want to meet that girl. I need to meet that girl.

After I got to dance with Kate for several songs, he showed up with drunken Anastasia and told me he was taking her home to her apartment and then he was going to come back and look for me. About ten minutes later, he called me to my cell phone and told me Ana had been too drunk and had passed out in his arms. He had taken her to the hotel because he had been afraid of her throwing up all over his precious car. Yeah, sure. I can tell he took her to the hotel because he wanted her in his bed.

I’m his brother. I’m not being nosy, just a brother. I want to know what’s going on in here. I decide to call him with the excuse of needing someone to come and look for me. But before ringing him, I make plans with Kate for tonight.

I dial and he answers “Grey.” I can hear the engine of his car. I’m probably on loudspeaker. This gonna be hilarious.

“Hey, Christian, d’you get laid?”

“Hello, Elliot – I’m on speaker phone, and I’m not alone in the car.” Yeah, I know that fucker. I’m his brother; I can’t help having fun on him. He’d better tell me what happened, later.

“Who’s with you?” I smirk. I’m a fucking genius.

“Anastasia Steele.” Matanga dijo la changa! Gottcha!

“Hi, Ana!” I call her ‘Ana’ instead of ‘Anastasia,’ trying to annoy my brother.

“Hello, Elliot.”

“Heard a lot about you.” What I didn’t get from Christian’s reactions last night, I heard from Kate. Ana is very sweet and shy. She isn’t very comfortable in social situations, just like my brother. And for the way Kate worried about her last night, I guess she is a virgin. Or was up until last night, of course. Ana’s perfect for my brother.

“Don’t believe a word Kate says!” She shrieks loud enough for Kate, who is still sitting in front of me, to hear. I laugh at both Ana’s reply and Kate’s face.

“I’m dropping Anastasia off now.” Christian interrupts. Ha! I knew calling her ‘Ana’ would irritate him. “Shall I pick you up?”

No, moron! I’ll return to the hotel by feet. “Sure.” Now, I don’t want him on his bad side, either. I want him to talk to me about her. I hope everything went right last night. After all, he cannot bear being touched and he has never been with a girl before that I’m aware of.

“See you shortly” he says and hangs up.

As soon as we are in the car, I ask him “So did you get laid?”

“No” he answers with his well mastered poker face.

“What do you mean you didn’t? You got her to the hotel, for crying out loud!”

“I told you she passed out on me. She was comatose and didn’t wake up until this morning.”

“But will you get your second chance? I mean, when will you see her again?” He glares at me and turns the music on.

After picking on him the whole way to the hotel – so we could change clothes and go hiking-, the entire drive to the hiking trail and during the trekking itself, he finally gives me some information. He tells me how they met, about the coffee they had after some photo shoot session I still cannot believe he accepted to do, and that he will take her to Seattle tonight. The good news is his rented car is mine until tomorrow. And that he will probably get laid. The bad news is he didn’t take more than ten minutes to explain all of this to me, so I have no details at all and my thirst for information is still not satiated.

I cannot believe how little he told me about Ana today. I’m his older brother, for calling out loud! He might be the Master of his Universe, but I’ll remind him who he’s dealing with. When Mom calls me just before I leave for my date with Kate, the opportunity to teach him a lesson appears all by itself.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Hi, darling.”

After some chit-chat, she tells me “Elliot... I haven’t heard a word from Christian for about two weeks, have you?” A devil grin plastered all over my face. She couldn’t have made it easier for me.

“As a matter of fact, I was with him this morning. I called him on Wednesday telling him I needed to make a trip to Portland for work. I asked him to lend me his helicopter and he told me he was already here. As he was in the biggest suite of the Heathman, I invited myself to stay with him.”

“So you spent the last couple of days with him? That’s great! Sometimes I worry he works too much.”

“Well, I happen to know he will be in his apartment tomorrow morning. Maybe you should go and check on him by yourself.”

“I think I will. Thank you Elliot! And don’t forget your sister arrives from Paris next weekend!”

“How could I forget it, Mom? You’ve been reminding me about it for the last month! I gotta go, Mom. I’ve got a date tonight.”

May 28, 2011

“Oh, no! My mother is going to kill me! I’m gonna be late!” I’ve been helping the girls to move all day and I’ve sweat a lot. I need to take the quickest shower ever, put clean clothes on and go to Bellevue. Mia arrived from Paris today and tonight we have compulsory dinner at my parents’ place. Her plane probably landed about half an hour ago. I’d better hurry. I kiss Kate goodbye, hug Ana and head home.

I’m twenty minutes late. I hope Mom doesn’t mind too much. As soon as I walk in, a force of nature with raven hair runs over me and hugs me.

“Hi, Mia! Did you have a good flight?”

“Yes, thanks. How are you doing? Did you have a good day? Why are you late? Mom will kill you!”

“Sorry, sorry! I lost track of time. I was helping my girlfriend and Christian’s girlfriend move from Portland to Seattle.” She turns around, looking astonished, and gapes at Christian. Ha! So the bastard didn’t tell her about Ana. This is going to be so funny!

“Your what?” she shrikes. “You have a girlfriend? And you didn’t tell me about her? I cannot believe it! You are such a bad brother, Christian! Oh my! You must bring her to tomorrow’s dinner!” She turns around to look at me. “And you bring your girlfriend too! I want to meet them!”

“Why were you helping them both move?” Mom asks, confused.

“Ana and Kate lived together back in Portland while they were studding at university and now they moved here, to Seattle, together. They live very close to Christian’s place.” I smile.

“Well Christian Grey” says Mia pointing at him “that explains why Elliot knows her when I don’t. I’d better not be the last one to meet her.”

“I haven’t met her either, sweetheart. None of them” Dad says.

“I didn’t meet Kate, but I did get to see Ana last weekend” Mom says, blushing. I wonder what’s with the rosy cheeks.

“What?” Mia screams. “I cannot believe it, Christian!”

“What do you expect from me? You were in Paris twenty-four hours ago, remember? And I’ve barely known her for a couple of weeks. We don’t have anything serious going on.” She begins to open her mouth and Christian interrupts her before she can go ballistic. “But I promise to bring her with me tomorrow night, fine?”

“You’d better” she says, frowning.

May 29, 2041

“The last weekend of May, thirty years ago from today, I met your parents and Mia for the first time, Elli.” Kate tells me. Christian, Ana, my wife and I are sitting by the water, outside my parents’ house. “Was it the first time you met them too, Ana?

“Hmm... no. Well, it was the first time I met Carrick and Mia but I had met Grace about a week before.”

“Really? How?”

“At Escala. She kind of almost walked in on us” she says, grimacing at the memory.

“Oh my God! You’re kidding me!” I say, laughing at them.

“No, you bastard, it was your entire fault” Christian says, frowning.

“What do you mean?”

“You told Mom I was going to be at my apartment and you knew I was going to take Ana to spend the night with me!”

I laugh at the memory. “You’re right! I remember you didn’t want to talk to me about your girlfriend. I had to make you pay! Tit for Tat, you know? If you didn’t tell me about Ana, you were going to tell Mom.” I laugh again. “It was not part of the plan she walking in on you, but it is a nice addition.” This is priceless!

“She didn’t walk in on us, Elliot. She almost did.” Ana corrects me. “Thanks God for Taylor that stopped her!” We four laugh at it until we cry.

Once I wipe my tears, I can see six-years-old Lily running towards us. She has her Daddy’s copper hair and Mommy’s green eyes. She throws herself at Christian and he sits her in his lap.

“Hi, beauty.”

“Hey, gramps! What’s so funny?”

“Oh, just a thirty-years-old story from when we were younger than your parents are now. Do you want to play?”

“Yeah, we...”

Christian interrupts her “What about a ticking war?” He begins to tickle her mercilessly and she stands up and runs away. Her very active Gramps follows her, trying to catch her, and putting an end to the conversation about good old times.

I hope you liked it!


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