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The M.U.P.P.E.T.S. take Vietnam

By Joseph Heaphy

Humor / Action

Chapter 1

The M.u.p.p.e.t.s. take Vietnam

Vietnam, Circa 1970.

The Vietnam War had been raging heavily for some time. Heavy casualties had been taken by both sides. On a good day U.S. forces would gain some ground, take a village, or push Vietcong regiments back into the jungle. As soon as the new day’s sun would beat down on us, so would the VC, sometimes pushing us as far back as the Metiong River Delta. Meanwhile, the protests at home against the war didn’t help the already low moral among the fighting soldiers. Things were not looking too good for our side.

The way things were going, there was a good chance we could lose this war. That was, until the creation of an elite unit. A unit that far surpassed the skills and abilities of any other fighting force. A unit that could meet any challenge, defeat any enemy and be, seemingly, in all places at once.

The government created a fierce team, with a fearsome name that struck fear into the hearts of the enemy. They discarded that name. The decided on a title in which no one could assume was a threat. This unit came to be known as the M.U.P.P.E.T.S., with each letter of that name representing their mission in this war and in future wars to come. The name M.U.P.P.E.T.S. means Maintaining a Ubiquitous, Predatory Presence, to Exert Total Superiority. What the Muppets are on the other hand is another story. What is a muppet? Its not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but…I don’t know where I was going with that. Anyway, thus, the M.U.P.P.E.T.S. were born.

They were far more precise and lethal than the Navy SEALS and more covert than the infamous Delta Force. To protect the identities of the soldiers and their families, their names have been changed to code names to ensure anonymity. Led by Kermit The “Frog”, who was probably the most respected amongst all the soldiers for his strategies and winning battle techniques, they were about to enter a new era of warfare.

The following story was taken from real life experiences from actual soldiers who fought in the Vietnam War. Most of the accounts are real, but the names have been changed. Some of the accounts are fiction, made up to enhance the story.

Chapter one

The group consisted of six members. Kermit, the leader of M.U.P.P.E.T.S. squad, was an expert in strategy, hand to hand combat and he could fix anything mechanical. He was hard working and dedicated to the armed forces.

Next was Fozzie the “Bear”, the heavy weapons specialist. He was formerly a member of the Hell’s Angels biker group, but he joined the armed forces after the violent stabbing death of his brother Fizzie outside a bar in downtown L.A. Fozzie was as tough as they came.

Next was Roelf, the tracker and one time Cocaine abuser who got sober after a 3 month stint in Chino Penitentiary for possession. When he got out of the pen, Kermit rounded him up and took him under his wing. Roelf had the best tracking sense of anyone in Vietnam.

Ben, known as the “Animal” was the demolitions expert and mine sweeper. Full of energy and wild as can be, Animal was sent to M.U.P.P.E.T.S. squad after his heroic actions in which he saved 4 Asian hookers from being blown up before the top brass could use their services.

The fifth member was Bill A.K.A. Gonzo, the radio man and hacker extraordinaire. Gonzo could use a coat hanger, some spare phone cable, a metal bowl and a 9volt battery to create a makeshift tele-communications satellite dish. He was also one of the best negotiators with prostitutes and never paid more than five American dollars for their services.

Finally, but sadly as well, the sixth member of M.U.P.P.E.T.S. squad had been recently killed on a mission near Bien Hoa. His name was Ray Rizzo the “Rat”, the team’s Flame specialist and tunnel rat. He was a brave soldier, who was not afraid of anything, which was probably why he caught Chlamydia 3 times in his first year in Vietnam.

M.U.P.P.E.T.S. squad had been operating around Bien Hoa for around a day or so, asking the Cambodians if they had seen any VC. The local Villagers would say “No VC, No VC here”, so they thought it was clear and trusted the people. Then Rizzo walked through an open gate.

Roelf had always told him “Don’t walk through no open gate.” Roelf had even screamed at him a couple of times “Don’t walk through that gate! You’re going to get your ass blown away, you dumb fucker!” It was a death trap the VC used many times on American G.I.’s. The poor bastard was supposed to get out of there in a week or so. The team took the loss very hard.

The only replacement they could find on such short notice was a new recruit named Elmer Mojito, but everyone called him “Elmo”, who was fresh off the Street. He was known as a cherry, which meant he was young, inexperienced and untested in combat. This also had a double meaning, insinuating a soldier’s virginity.

His first day on base, he stuck out like a sore thumb because he had no rifle. He was always working shit jobs for the other soldiers. Everybody seemed to treat this guy like shit. The commanding officer would make him go on all the shit details. If they sent squads out on patrol around a village, they’d make him stay in it, burn the targets designated and then walk the perimeter. He would be loaded down with twice as much gear as all the other soldiers.

Kermit saw all of this and thought “Wow, this kid’s got a lot of balls. He takes all their shit and busts his ass to make his officers proud. He is so proud to be serving his country. I’ve never seen a soldier with such a hard-on to please his superiors.”

This made Kermit admire his spirit, because although he was a runt and probably gay, he had more heart than guys twice his size. Kermit approached General Birdstone, who was known affectionately as “Big Bird” about adding Elmo to M.U.P.P.E.T.S. squad. Big Bird agreed and Elmo was sent to the base hospital for a final checkup before he was added officially to the team. This would also give him a chance to meet the rest of the team.

When Elmo got to the hospital, he was checked out by a short, fat nurse nicknamed “Meatball”. She looked like shit and smelled even worse. There was a standing bet going as to whether she was even a woman. She was quite manly and in some cases brawnier than the new recruits fresh out of boot camp. She also was quite unattractive.

However, in her mind she was the sexiest nurse on the ward and the hottest thing since Marilyn Monroe. She’d bump and grind over to a patient, all sweat, piss and blood covered and say all breathy in an Alabama accent “I bet you just never thought you’d see anything looking so pretty and smelling so sweet.” If Elmo could have hit her, he would have.

Elmo tried very hard not to vomit from the foul odor she emitted. Meatball asked him where he was from. “I’m from (gagh) the Street.”

Meatball replied “You ever been with a real woman before?” “No M’aam” replied Elmo. Meatball picked something nasty out of her nose and then flung it across the room. She then said “Ooh, a virgin. If we have time, I’ll teach you a thing or two about love making. I’ll try not to break you junior, ha-ha!”

She then scratched her ass and spit on the floor. At that point, Elmo could no longer stand the smell and vomited all over himself.

Elmo asked for something to help his stomach. He also had a case of “Montezuma’s revenge” for about three days now and was running to the bathroom every ten minutes. He asked for something to help that as well. Meatball waddled off to see if they had anything to give him.

Just then Fozzie walked over to him, to help bail him out of the mess he was getting into with Meatball. Fozzie said “You know how you stop the shits? You eat the peanut butter in the C-rations. You won’t shit until you drink the grape juice. Drink the grape juice and you’ll shit your brains out. Between the peanut butter and the grape juice, you’ll stay regular.”

“We’d better go’ said Fozzie ‘we have to meet up with the rest of the team. Elmo asked “But what about the nurse, shouldn’t I wait?” Fozzie looked at him and said “you’ll be alright kid. Besides, I don’t think you want any of what she’s offering. Her bush is thicker than the jungles of Vietnam and full of or more ‘skeeters than the swamps of Georgia. Besides, that guy next to you is in worse shape.”

The soldier next to Elmo had Jungle rot on his hands so bad that the only way he could carry his rifle was to cradle it in the bends of his elbows, with his hands up in front of his face. His hands were quite sore and burning, so were his feet.

To make matters worse, Meatball was trying to proposition him for a quickie in the latrine. The look on his face was of pure terror. She was going to have her way with him whether he liked it or not. He would gladly have traded places with any other soldier in even the harshest combat situation than stick his man meat in Meatball’s love box.

The day before, a couple of sappers(kind of like suicide bombers) had made it into one of the American bases and took out an A.P.C. carrying about 13 soldiers, who had just returned from a heavy confrontation with some N.V.A. regulars outside of Saigon.

It was a routine mission when they were caught off guard outside Saigon. Jimmy “The Cookie Monster”, who was a high ranking lieutenant, called in some heavy artillery to help the soldiers in the field. Within seconds, all the N.V.A. soldiers were fubar. The soldiers assumed it was over and headed back to base. They thought they were safe, but they didn’t know some sappers had followed them to find out where their base was located. In total, 17 were killed and 29 were wounded. 9 died there and 8 more died in the hospital.

The hospital was crowded already and the wounded soldiers who caught some of the blast from the sappers filled up every last available bed. Elmo had to wait a very long time before he could be signed out due to almost every doctor and nurse being preoccupied with the more severely wounded.

Meanwhile, all the final preparations were being made for the M.U.P.P.E.T.S. next mission. It was a search and destroy that would take them to Hanoi, along the Red River Delta. This was a mission of great importance and could not be fucked up. Unlike a newlyweds honeymoon, this mission needed to be done very quickly.

It seems a rogue colonel had gone missing and was rumored to be living in a cult like group, made up of North Vietnamese rebels and said to be located somewhere near Hanoi. The top brass was worried about secrets being leaked to the enemy.

Secrets like; American battle tactics, troop movements and base locations. Also things like what a donkey punch and a dirty sanchez are, the real location of a woman’s G-spot and so forth. This colonel had to be taken out at any cost. It was too risky to send in a big unit, so the boys of M.U.P.P.E.T.S. squad were their only alternative.

The only intel they had was that this colonel’s codename was Grover. Once a well respected citizen of the Street, Grover lost it one day while out on a mission deep inside of North Vietnam. He killed all the members of his platoon due to the paranoia from the opium and pot he bought off of a Chinese whore.

Grover thought the rest of his platoon was going to steal his thoughts while he slept. So, he killed them all one by one. All except one, who Grover made his personal slave in exchange for sparing his life. Afterwards, he grouped up with some Vietnamese refugees and then started selling off the body parts of the dead soldiers.

We also knew he liked alligators and other jungle wildlife, so he might be in a marshy, swamp like area. He was an expert in stealth tactics, warfare and hand to hand combat. In fact, he was probably one of the best. He even trained other soldiers at Fort Bragg before being shipped off to Vietnam 3 years ago.

This was going to be a dangerous mission, full of peril, rough obstacles and probably a couple of hookers. The boys of M.U.P.P.E.T.S. squad were up for the challenge. They were our last hope in this, our darkest hour. Well, maybe not our DARKEST, but it still sucked pretty badly.

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