No One Would Miss Me

A Secret

"Why weren't you in my room last night?" Roxas asked, trying not to sound upset (although he was). It was a Saturday morning, he didn't have a mission or anywhere to go, and he had just been sitting in bed wondering where Axel was and pondering if he should go look for him. The though that something bad might happen to Axel had always silently plagued Roxas, ever since the first time (a long time ago) that the Organization had thought Axel was dead. Roxas could usually ignore this fear, but last night when he hadn't shown up, the fear had returned.

"Uh… I was – hey," Axel interrupted himself with a self-satisfied grin, "you missed me, didn't you?" He sat down on Roxas's bed and kissed him.

"Maybe I did," Roxas smiled in spite of himself, already feeling better. "But where were you?"

"Do we have to talk about it?"

Roxas wasn't sure how to respond to this question. He certainly wanted to talk about it.

"I was at Reno's place," Axel said before Roxas could respond.

"What were you doing there?" Roxas asked suspiciously. He thought it was odd that Axel hadn't told him beforehand where he was going.

Axel seemed reluctant to speak about it, which naturally made Roxas more curious.

"Roxas, are you sure this isn't going to be awkward? You have to promise that you aren't going to be upset about this."

"Why would I be upset?" Roxas asked. What sketchy things could Axel possibly be doing at Reno's place? Roxas didn't see what about this situation could make him angry.

Axel rolled his eyes. "Why can I lie to anyone except you?" He took a deep breath. "You have to promise not to be mad."

"Okay."

"I was showing Demyx how to break Xemnas's restrictions so he could see his somebody."

"Why didn't you just tell me that yesterday? Then I wouldn't have worried."

Axel smiled at him. "Roxas, do you even know how adorable you are? Anyway," he said, continuing before Roxas even had a chance to blush, "It was kind of a last-minute thing. I've been meaning to show him how for a long time, but then I just kept getting distracted by you," Axel said.

"Why would that make me mad?"

"I just, I don't know. I guess you seemed a little weirded out by what I told you about Demyx and I being together, and I didn't want you to be upset about it."

"I mean, that's fine. I'm glad you're helping him with that. He's been wanting to see his somebody's family for a long time." Roxas only vaguely knew why this information should upset him. He supposed it was weird that neither Demyx nor Axel had mentioned this whole endeavor to him before, but he thought it was nice of Axel to help Demyx out. It showed what a good friend he was. But Roxas still had questions. "Why do you and Demyx never talk when the rest of the organization is around? It seems like your whole relationship is a secret. I didn't even think you got along before I heard Demyx talk about your past."

"Now that one's complicated," Axel said. "Xemnas was kind of pissed because I blew off some mission a long time ago that was kind of important –because of Demyx- and then he made this rule about organization members 'dating,' which basically said that they couldn't. I think you've noticed how hostile things can get around this place. Everyone is looking out for himself – or herself in the case of Larxene- and Xemnas supports that sort of environment."

Roxas had never thought about this before. It made sense, but then why was it okay that he and Axel were in a relationship? "Does Xemnas know that you come to my room every night?" Roxas asked, raising an eyebrow.

Axel laughed out loud at this. "I doubt it. As long as I keep doing my work, he doesn't care. He really doesn't care about any of us as long as we're doing our work. It's only if he stops getting what he wants that he'll change things. He does try to pin us against one another though. That's why I think our bar nights are so important. It's the only time we all hang out like a… well, a family, I guess, although it's a loose interpretation of the word." He shrugged.

"Aren't you and I kind of like a family?" Roxas wasn't even sure what he meant by that, but he'd asked without thinking.

Axel looked serious for a second. He nodded. "I would like for us to be a family Roxas – in the real world," he was smiling as he appeared to muse over this possibility, and was uncharacteristically animated when he began, "We could live in the suburbs of Vegas and I could work in a casino and take you new worlds on my nights off," he said as he kicked off his shoes and scooted next to Roxas on the bed. "And we could have stuffy, old neighbors who'd disapprove of us being gay, and then we could adopt children and piss everyone off…" He said, sounding quite self-satisfied.

Roxas had never thought of having children before. He wondered why that would make people angry. Probably because no one would trust Axel with a child. He thought about it, and concluded that Axel would really be a pretty decent father. At least their kids would have fun, even if they ended up constantly getting in trouble. Roxas wondered what kind of father he would be. He didn't remember even having a father. He wouldn't know what to do.

But despite that, he knew he would like it if Axel took him to new worlds and they broke all the rules and had some children (although Roxas wasn't sure how one procured children in the first place) and lived in Las Vegas and had the perfect life Axel had just described. He felt like with Axel, he always had this hope that everything would be just like that -perfect. No Castle Oblivion, no secrets looming over their heads. He found himself imagining this perfect future too. "And Demyx and Xion could be our neighbors…" he added. In an ideal world, all his friends would be there.

Axel looked at him strangely. "That's possibly the oddest couple I've ever heard of, Roxas. Demyx and Xion?"

"I didn't mean together!" Roxas clarified. "That would just be weird."

Axel smiled and looked away. "But aren't you and I weird? As a couple. You're this super nice, obedient kid who follows the rules and remains innocent despite the devilish impulses of your fucked up, heathen boyfriend who daily performs acts of self-destructive rebellion. Doesn't there seem to be something weird about that?"

"I've never thought of it like that before." Roxas had never considered what a normal couple would be like. He didn't even know what a normal relationship was. He certainly didn't have any. All his relationships were complicated by the fact that he was part of the Organization. But he'd never minded much. He just wanted to be with the people he liked. "Axel, I don't think you're as bad as all that."

"Maybe not," he said, "but you don't know everything."

"Then tell me everything!" Roxas demanded. If Axel wouldn't give him all the facts, how could he make a judgment about this?

"We should go to breakfast," Axel said, looking resigned. He stood up to go.

Roxas stood up too, but he didn't want the conversation to be over. "You know I would keep liking you even if it were dangerous or stupid," Roxas admitted, and the thought made him almost angry. "It would be really difficult for me to dislike you no matter what you did."

"I don't know," Axel said, turning to face him again, "if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I wish that it were true, that you could never dislike me, but I just don't know if you know me well enough to tell Roxas," he said. "And I wouldn't want you to like me if I did something horrible. I'd want you to be with someone better than me." He paused momentarily before continuing "except the truth is, you have too much power over me, and I know I would end up not wanting to let you go, even if I knew you were better off without me." He said these words with increasing passion. "I've never felt that way…I'm drawn to you even though I know it's bad for both of us, but I would never want to hurt you Roxas." He leaned in to kiss Roxas in the most passionate way imaginable, holding him so close that Roxas could barely tell what was happening. There was too much closeness and passion and delirium, and when Axel pulled his lips away, Roxas felt like he could die happily.

"Do you want to skip breakfast?" Axel asked.

"Yeah," Roxas nodded, and Axel leaned in to kiss him again.


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