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Crowded

By lysden

Humor

Crowded

Wolfgang sat cross-legged on the floor looking at the safe. With methodical calm, he opened the suitcase beside him and took out his stethoscope. He put it on and took a deep breath, trying to find that deep, calm and empty mental space that he usually went to for this kind of job.

This shouldn’t be as difficult a job as opening the S&D safe had been, but if he wanted to do it without just blowing up the vault he would need all the focus he could get.

Unfortunately for him, his normally peaceful mental space was a little crowded lately.

“What are you doing here? Is that a safe?”

He put down the stethoscope and looked over his shoulder at Will, who nervously paced back and forth through the room. Wolfgang sighed. And he hadn’t even really started.

“It’s a safe. And I’m going to open it.”

“Is it yours?” Will asked, looking suspiciously at the safe from behind the other man. Wolfgang snorted.

“Of course not. Why would I need to break it if it were?”

Will’s brow furrowed even more.

“Then you shouldn’t be doing this. Come on, let’s go.”

Wolfgang waved his hand dismissively at the policeman. “Look, I’m kind of on a deadline here. This won’t take long anyway. Just wait a second and we can discuss the actual value of property when I’m done.” And just like that he put the stethoscope back on and focused on the safe again.

Will ranged his teeth, incredulous, and said almost desperately: “I can’t just let you do this. This is a criminal activity, Wolfgang! You could go to jail!” he then looked at the Korean girl who watched the scene interestedly from her perch on a particularly comfortable chair. “No offense, Sun.”

“None taken.” She answered without missing a beat. “Hey, Wolfgang, maybe you could open the door to my cell.”

Will almost had a heart attack. “Are you insane? I wouldn’t even have to know in which country you are to know this is against the law.”

“Well, I am already in jail, anyway.”

“But you didn’t really do anything wrong. There is a big difference between playing guilty and being guilty.”

Wolfgang rolled his eyes. “Guys. I’m trying to work here. Can the two of you go and have this philosophical breakthrough in someone else’s mind?”

“Work? You’re breaking into a vault. How is that work?” Will put his hands on his waist.

“It pays my bills, doesn’t it?”

“And couldn’t you do it legitimately?”

Wolfgang actually put the stethoscope down and blinked incredulously at the cop. “And how exactly do you suppose I should break into peoples safes legitimately?”

“How am I supposed to know? You are the one who has been doing this your whole life. You should have at least an idea. Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it.”

“No, as a matter of fact, I haven’t. And I would like to not think about it right now. You do realize I don’t have a lot of time here, right?”

“You know…” Lito commented, taping his chin thoughtfully with a finger while leaning on Will. “With the right light and a good placement of cameras, this could become a very good scene. Wolfgang even has the ‘don’t mess with me’ look about him that would make for a good action hero.”

“Wolfgang as a action hero?” Capheus examined the thief from over Lito’s shoulder “No. A grumpy anti-hero at most. You know who would do really well in a action movie like this, though?”

“We are not discussing Van Damme with a vault breaking setting.” Lito looked at Capheus from the corner of his eyes. “We really need to broaden your cinematic horizons.”

Capheus smiled unrepentantly at him, shook his shoulders and went to look out the window.

By this point, Wolfgang was almost crying in despair.

“Please, guys. Just let me break this safe… ” he practically whined. Kala put a hand on his shoulder and said in a almost comforting voice.

“Are you sure you don’t want to simply blow it up? Or maybe I could get you some acid…”

He shook his head.

“No, of course not. What kind of safe burglar would I be if I just used acid?”

“A faster one?” Capheus prompted.

“Oh, I know what you need! I’m sure some good background music will help you concentrate.”

Wolfgang put his head in his hands. “Thanks for offer Riley, but I can’t hear the safe if I’m listening to music. Look, why won’t all of you just go and invade Nomi’s personal space and just let me get to work?”

“Don’t even think about it!” Nomi brought herself to the conversation. “I’m in the middle of a very romantic date and don’t need all of you as third wheels.”

Wolfgang sighed and closed his eyes for a second trying to put together all the pieces of his shattered patience.

“This is going too far! All I’m trying to do here is go back to my not so honest work, and you lot are not letting me! Do you know how difficult it is to crack these things open without a bunch of people talking to you? It’s fucking impossible! Now be quiet or get the fuck out so I can do this!”

“Nope… You would never pass an audition with that… Do try again with a little more sentiment, will you?” Lito said, still mentally trying to place Wolfgang in a movie. “Use your diaphragm.”

And that was the last straw. Wolfgang got to his feet, threw the stethoscope on the ground and kicked the safe in a not so contained temper tantrum. He turned on the others and pointed a finger at each one of them.

OUT! All of you! GET THE FUCK OUT!”

“Now that is much better.” Lito commented distractedly.

In the next room Felix stopped in the middle of the process of unlocking a particularly interesting closet and raised an intrigued eyebrow. He shook his head, not really sure he wanted to know why Wolfgang was screaming in an empty room.

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