𝐁𝐓𝐒 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐓𝐒.

( lowercase typing intended. )
( flashbacks are enclosed with ❝❞ )
( inspired by ‘heather’ - conan gray )
( republished on ao3 by @quixotictae )

―

❝ i wish we were in love. ❞

―

at the start of a bright morning, taehyung stood at the front door of the park residence, clicking his heels against the wooden surface of the porch as his third time ringing the bell got ignored. the morning sun was sweeping the perfectly trimmed front lawn in delicious soft rays- a subtle warmth in the air as if to complement the auspicious day it was.

auspicious? more like, ominous, the 24 year old man clicked his tongue at his own thoughts, bringing his palm up to ring the bell again, when it was swung open- the very familiar and always smiling face of mrs. park coming into taehyung’s visions.

“oh- taehyung! i’m so sorry, sweetheart. i was caught up in something, i couldn’t hear- you’ve probably been waiting for so long too! i’m so sorry,” she began rambling away, excuses and whatnot, and taehyung would lie if that didn’t make him smile.

“mrs. park, please- you’ve known me for a decade almost- raised me for a decade too,” he shushed her, walking inside side by side, as the woman cracks him a glowing smile. “you really should know better than to apologize to me.”

“alright- alright. i won’t say sorry,” she rolled her eyes at him. the boy was always too sweet for his own good. “you don’t mind waiting, do you? jimin’s still getting ready.” and taehyung swore he heard her whisper ′that little diva′ under her breath. always after your son, aren’t you? he couldn’t help but think to himself. their mother-son squabble was a very entertaining thing to see too, he couldn’t deny.

“i don’t mind, i’ll just wait in the living room. and,” he paused, a glint in his eyes, as he brought out his best puppy eyes. “you don’t have those cookies, do you? minnie’s favorites?” he asked, and rejoiced internally when mrs. park sighed with a soft smile.

“there are some left from last time,” she said, amused that even after all these years, taehyung’s persuasion skills remain intact. “you go take a seat, i’ll bring them to you.” and she turned around, making her way to the kitchen as taehyung took a look around the house.

all these years, yet the same warmth, same glow- taehyung has to admit, the mother-son pair have quite the quality to keep everything the same way as it was, everything in perfect place and shape. and a picture caught his eye. it was there, placed on the mantel-top and as taehyung got closer, he could make out a tiny himself, and a tiny jimin- fresh off in highschool, their uniforms’ perfect and arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders. she still had it? and taehyung had a smile on his face as he took a seat on the couch, all the highschool memories crashing inside his head, like waves on a lonely bay.

❝ 15 year old taehyung grimaced, looking at himself in the mirror of the boy’s restroom. not even a day has started in this new school, and he’d already managed to make a mess out of himself. the coffee stains on his white sweater only ridiculed him, as he took it off and started rinsing it.

first day at a private school, with all this alleged spoiled brats- why shouldn’t he feel embarrassed when he tripped and spilled coffee all over himself? he wanted to dig a hole and die in there, bury himself alive- because it’s only so much his teen ego could take, watching the rich kids stare at him with judging, pointed eyes, and he hated it with all his heart.

so he prepared to walk out, a scowl on his face and shirt sleeves wet and rolled up as he tried not to shiver, because on top of everything, it was freezing cold- and the boy cursed every bit of his luck. all the students staring at him were an added bonus to his poor situation, really. and he would’ve just ran all the way out of school if his ruined sweater hadn’t needed the attention.

“uhm- are you okay?” a soft voice asked, and taehyung turned around, only to find a boy seemingly his age, drowning in his too-big-for-his-body sweater and staring up at taehyung with a pair of deep-set amber eyes.

“who are you?” taehyung asked, a little too blunt- but give the boy a break, he’s had the worst morning in a teen’s life. the brown-eyed boy meekly smiled, his eyes forming crescents and he looked good like that, smiling- it was warm and welcoming, not something taehyung had expected from anyone at this rich people school.

“i’m park jimin, from grade 9-a!′ he introduced himself, eyes glinting as he asked, “and you are?”

“kim taehyung, 9-a as well,” taehyung sighed in relief- he hoped that he could make friends with this seemingly amiable kid; he doesn’t wanna spend his highschool years as a loner, especially not when the rich kids here love to alienate and bully. the boy, jimin, only hummed- his eyes scanning all over taehyung, spotting the wet sleeves and the soaking sweater in his hands.

“oh my- aren’t you gonna feel cold?” he asked, concern as he walked all the way over to taehyung.

“well, yeah- but i can’t dry my sweater off in seconds, now can i?” taehyung sighed, looking at the mess that was his uniform sweater- his mother is gonna kill him for the stains.

jimin seemed to go quiet for a few seconds, with taehyung staring at the mirror, looking for stains on his shirt that he might’ve missed. and then he spoke up. “you can wear my sweater!” he offered, and taehyung just stared him.

“won’t you feel cold?” taehyung asked, puzzled because why would anyone want to give away their sweater, especially someone they met in a bathroom. “and why even would you give it to me? it doesn’t make sense?”

“well- my mum made me wear layers of shirts under my school shirt, so i won’t feel cold,” the chubby cheeked boy smiled, an embarrassed pink flushing over his face, as he continued, “regarding your second question- take it as a token of friendship. after all, we’re in the same class, right?” he ended, taking off his sweater and shoving it in taehyung’s direction.

the boy only stared up at jimin, surprise written all over his face- because this boy just broke all his assumptions about stupid rich kids at stupid rich schools. he could only pass a smile as he pulled the warm, not-spoiled-by-coffee sweater over his head.

“it looks better on you,” jimin complimented once taehyung was done stuffing away the wet sweater in his bag. the boy’s face glowed up in faint red as he protested that jimin should not joke- because how does an awkward teen deal with compliments? and jimin could only chuckle at his reaction, “i’m being honest. it was huge on me- somehow perfectly fits you.”

“i guess we’re meant to be, huh?” jimin joked, a smile stuck on his lips, and taehyung smiled back- maybe private school days weren’t gonna that bad after all. ❞

taehyung snapped out of his little flashback when he heard mrs. park calling out to him. “taehyung, can you go help jimin with his suit, please? he’s been whining for a while.”

“on it, mrs. park!” he shouted back, walking to the stairs to find mrs. park there. she handed him a jar. “these are the last ones left. share and don’t fight like kids,” she smiled, as taehyung’s eyes glistened at the sight of cookies. 24? unbelievable with the way he acts sometimes, she thinks, smiling to herself.

taehyung jogs upstairs, the jar carefully wrapped by his palms. he stares at them, counting as he impatiently knocked on jimin’s door. and as soon as it was opened, he rushed it, too familiar with the place to even look around before taking a seat on the bean bag beside the mirror. “i got cookies.”

“woah there- i know i’m naturally stunning, but i have to make some effort for my own wedding, tae,” jimin rolled his eyes, unsurprised with his bestfriend’s way of prioritizing things.

and taehyung’s smile dropped just like that. his wedding, of course. “ah shit, you’re right. let’s get you ready for the big day, minnie,” he stood up almost immediately, leaving the cookie jar on the bean bag, and jimin was thrown off.

“are you okay? you sound down all on a sudden?” he asked, concerned, as he saw taehyung rummaging through the box of safety pins, who only hummed and continued doing his thing.

“what do you mean?” taehyung asked in return, a small bitter smile on his lips as he looked through the various sized pins. “it’s your wedding, minnie, with your soulmate- i’m the happiest,” he said, even though it pricked his heart more than a thousand pins, because soulmate- last time he checked, he was the soulmate. and now, just a best friend, the best man in his wedding- nothing more than that. he never was.

falling in love with your best friend is the worst thing in the world, many have said, many have had gone through- then why did taehyung feel like no one had gone through what he had? why did this hurt more than all those times before- all the times he kissed her, all the times he smiled with her, for her- all this time, taehyung had been living under a fake dream, a wishful thinking that, one day it’d end, she’d be gone. it’d be jimin and him, forever and always.

now he was standing behind jimin, fixing his suit for his big day. his wedding with his special someone- and it wasn’t him, wasn’t taehyung. it was never him. then why is he so surprised?

so surprised to see that his best friend never loved him like he did? how can he be so ungrateful? to the exact same person who had embraced taehyung as his own the very first day they met? and he’s tearing up, feeling like a pathetic coward, standing behind jimin, crying silently- because his ego couldn’t swallow the fact that his best friend didn’t love him. because he’s so selfish that he can’t even drown his feelings and be happy for the one who’s always caused him happiness and bliss and nothing but.

he feels like an asshole, as he should- thinking off all the times he thought he could confess, yet he didn’t. the words stuck at his throat feel in a tightening grasp, blocking out his air. and he’s sobbing now, tears falling down as he breaks down behind his best friend, his soulmate- the same person he’s been regretfully in love with for the past years.

❝ it was summer break- and taehyung was crying in jimin’s bedroom. the latter only held him close as they lay on the bed together- and taehyung considers confessing. “now why are you crying, tae?” jimin asked him ever so softly and taehyung really feels like the one stuck in the worst situation at that moment.

“would you still love me, minnie? even after i say what i’m about to?” he asks his soulmate in between his sniffles, the sobs dying down as taehyung’s praying to the gods up above, whatever gods there are that would accept him.

“i love you- no matter what, taehyung,” jimin said, and a breeze flows through taehyng’s heart, his insides going numb as he only hoped that jimin’s gonna keep his words.

and taehyung took a few seconds after, the silence becoming chilling on his skin, as he closed his eyes, breathing out. “i- i’m gay.” and it was a quiet whisper, with taehyung waiting to be pushed away and off the bed, expected to be cursed at and left alone to cry. yet it never happened.

what happened was jimin holding his closer than before, with more warmth for taehyung to let his tears shed in, as he heard his best friend say, “and i’m proud of you.” and taehyung cried out again. cried not because of happiness, but because of the fear that’s settling in deep inside his mind and heart.

i don’t want to fall deeper in love with you, minnie, he cries to himself all night, safe and protected in his minnie’s embrace, yes- but it won’t ever mean the same to jimin as it meant to him. ❞

and now, years later, taehyung’s still the guy he was then. crying pathetically in his best friend’s embrace because he’s a coward and he’s selfish- selfish to be wanting his best friend more than anyone in the world and crying about it when he’s supposed to be happy. happy because his minnie is getting everything he’d ever wanted in life- and taehyung hates himself because he’s disgusted, disgusted of himself because he can’t even be happy for jimin, his soulmate, too blinded by his so-called love for the man.

and there’s jimin- turning around as quick as lightening upon hearing taehyung’s sobs, grabbing the man’s tear-soaked cheeks as his eyes feel with concern all over. and taehyung could only stop himself from breaking down further, gripping jimin’s shoulders tight as he let himself cry pathetically- let all that was left unsaid flow away with his tears. he wanted to disappear.

“tae-? why are you crying?” and jimin asked, holding taehyung still between his embrace, letting the man calm himself down, because jimin hates it when he cries- his heart breaks because his best friend deserves anything but tears.

and taehyung knows that- knows that jimin’s love for him was never-ending, yet he felt so selfish for wanting anything more. being jimin’s best friend should be enough for him as the man never made him anything but important and loved- but taehyung can’t put it into words how much he hates it.

he hates being his best friend, his best man- he hates being the one to see jimin getting married to someone that wasn’t himself. and he hated it from the moment she stepped into their lives. her charms and beauty struck jimin so hard, and somehow taehyung knew he’d lost the love he hoped he’d get from jimin when she came.

does he hate her though? he can’t possibly. after all, she’s the one making jimin so happy- so utterly blissful because taehyung’s never seen anyone make jimin smile so bright and seem so entranced. and he kinda hates it- because all throughout a decade of knowing him, taehyung was never able to do that, to make jimin so thankful for his existence, so gleeful and in love, and she’d done in it in a bare few months.

❝ “she’s so pretty, tae,” jimin said, a dreamy look glazed over his eyes, as taehyung feels his heart drop down. and it shatters, as taehyung smiles and jokes. “she just came to college, get a grip on yourself, min.”

“but-,” and there’s that adorable pout on jimin’s lips. “think she’ll say yes if i ask her out?” he says out of the blue, eyes following a certain someone and taehyung turns around to spot her, walking ever so gracefully into the cafeteria- quite simplistic if you ask taehyung, but jimin’s in love here, and taehyung sees it in his eyes.

he sighs, eyes becoming dark as a cloud of emotions resurface in his heart. and he’s feeling like he’s been held on choke-hold, eyes busy hiding away unshed tears as he smiles sadly at his smitten best friend. “everyone loves you, minnie. but i guess you could wait for her to at least get a little used to, no?”

“you’re right,” jimin’s the one sighing this time, watching the girl leave with her friends as he focuses on his food. and taehyung wishes so bad that he was the girl instead- the one jimin wants so bad, the one he’s known barely for a few weeks and yet, she’s everything taehyung couldn’t become in all these years spent with jimin. ❞

and he finally stops- stops the tears, his ragged breaths and just stills. he’s tired from the relentless crying, tired and emotionally drained. and taehyung felt guilty-guilty that his best friend has to deal with his breakdowns even on his wedding day, and no matter how much it hurt taehyung to say it, she was jimin’s happiness, and today’s his minnie’s happiest day- and he couldn’t dare ruin it for him.

so he calms himself down, arms still wrapped around jimin, as he moves his face away from his shoulder. his heart breaks once again as he saw jimin’s eyes run all over his face, his hands holding his face- as if taehyung was so delicate and taehyung was indeed that. and it hurt him that he gets so much love from his minnie, yet he’s always wanting more.

“tae?” jimin asks, somber voice making taehyung want to break down all over again- yet he holds himself strong. his minnie doesn’t deserve to be sad on his special day.

“i’m alright, minnie,” and he finally speaks out, rugged voice feeling like an extra burden to pull his words out. “i’m just- so proud. it’s your wedding, with her, the love of your life.” and taehyung’s only bruising himself with his words- proud, love of his life- he’s making a fool out of his emotions and his feelings, yet it’s jimin’s day, the day his best friend has been waiting for since forever- so taehyung continues with his lies, as long as it’ll keep his minnie happy. “i’m so happy for you.”

and taehyung thinks that all of this- lies and hurt, it’s all worth it, because jimin’s smiling so bright, and taehyung’s in love with that smile, for so long already- loving the way his eyes always fold to form two moons, each shining because jimin’s eyes are glossy. and taehyung thinks that he’s been a good enough friend for jimin to keep him as his best man.

“thank you, tae. i love you so much- you’re the best,” jimin gleefully utters, wiping away the remnants of taehyung’s tears, as he holds his other half close. “i’m so proud of you too. smile for me now, please?” that soft, hopeful request only hurt taehyung’s already breaking, cracking heart more- but he has to do it, after all, it’s jimin, and taehyung could never say no to him.

so he smiles, so big that his lips are stretched to the maximum, forming the signature grin, and jimin smiles back too- and taehyung hopes again that everything happening today was a fateful dream, that jimin’s still not gone too far away from him, that he’s not too in love with her and is about to marry her. but somewhere in his heart, he knew there was no chance of that happening. jimin’s love wasn’t meant for him, and it feels like boulders hitting his insides when he tries to accept it.

so he prepares himself for the big day- he’s the best man, after all. he can’t let his best friend’s wedding be ruined, not when she’s been jimin’s dream from the moment he’d laid eyes on her. “let’s get your suit fixed now, min.”

～

taehyung feels his heart getting heavier as their car rolls out in the streets, nearing the wedding venue- where jimin would be uniting with his love, for eternity and taehyung, he’s just a jealous bystander- who wants too much to do with his soulmate when he’s already has the share of what he deserves.

he drowns out the petty bickering of the mother-son duo beside him, focusing on answering the rather pointless questions revolving around his head. what would’ve happened if he confessed on time? would jimin still accept him? or would his love disappear the moment tae admitted his feelings?

❝ it was christmas eve- and taehyung tried not to break down at the scene happening in front of him.

there she was, honey-glazed skin complementing the red sweater she adorned- standing in front of jimin while she handed him a present for christmas. and taehyung watched as his best friend blushed, face set on fire as it seemed.

“i sowed it myself,” she said, a bit abashed since jimin just went ‘woah’ at the sight of the matching red sweater he had just acquired from the box. “do you like it?” she asked, a shy smile on her lips as jimin was still staring at the sweater.

“i love it!” and jimin spoke too soon, making both of the two blush- taehyung’s heart only sinking lower, as he kept the small box sealed between his palms, tears dangling on the edge of his lashes, as he watched jimin clear his throat, saying, “i mean- why did you put so much work? like- it’s so pretty.”

she smiles, and there it is- that glow on her face, as her lips etch a beautiful stretch across her face, her teeth peeking through, as she says, “i’m glad you like it. and, well-,” and she goes quiet again, hesitating for a few seconds, and it just hurts taehyung the most, how jimin’s looking at her- eyes oozing love and adoration, patiently looking at her with the biggest smile on his face. he feels like an inanimate object in the background, with the love story of jimin and her playing in front of him, as she finally utters out, “i like you- please go out with me?”

and taehyung’s world was crushed right then and there- with jimin saying yes to her, with them dancing to slow songs while their other friends cheered, all of them so happy that taehyung felt out of place. watching from beside the fireplace, he only hoped that she was temporary. after all, jimin and him were meant to be, right? ❞

“taehyung- we’ve reached,” mrs. park pushed him slightly, and taehyung broke off from his trance, looking around till he noticed mrs. park looking at him, concerned.

“i zoned out- sorry, mrs. park,” he apologized with a huff, opening the door to get out, when he heard a small ‘it’s okay, dear’ from the woman. wish i really was okay, taehyung thought to himself before getting out.

～

having loved jimin for so long, taehyung only realized that he could pretend this far. he didn’t care if jimin would hate him or not, didn’t care if he would be left alone after his confessions. but each time he looks at those amber eyes, the little part of his mind that was still fearful, stopped. he couldn’t bring himself to repay jimin for all the love and support he’d given taehyung throughout the years with his selfish acts.

so he tried his best to calm his best friend down- because jimin’s scared and ecstatic at the same time and taehyung holds him close, encourages him with jokes and praises- because taehyung’s really, definitely and most certainly isn’t breaking from the inside.

his heart’s definitely not cracking each wound up as jimin’s continues his rambles about how pretty she is, and how undeserving of her he is. and all taehyung wants is to go home and sleep- drown out all his hurt and drown out every feeling he’s ever felt. because he’s tired, so utterly worn out from being in love with his best friend, the same best friend who’s getting married in a few minutes, the same one who’s been taehyung’s supporting frame for almost a decade.

yet it’s his guilt that makes him stay- makes him stand firm on his ground, holding his overly hyper soulmate as he goes on about his wedding, and his lovelife and his dreams of her, with her. he stays because that’s what a best friend is supposed to do- support his soulmate in his best and worst, be by his side, jimin’s happiness being his.

then when the bride walks up the aisle, jimin’s left speechless, and taehyung too. as he sees the girl who’d taken away his lovelife even before it started, the girl jimin fell in love with over and over again. and she looks ethereal in that wedding dress, her veils covering the pristine beauty underneath; the flowy material touching the stage as she walks, and she’s floating like a fairy- jimin’s fairy. and taehyung sees him cry, cry because jimin’s so happy, so utterly lucky to be having the love of his life with him, loving him the same way he did her.

and taehyung cries too- the same way he cried when watching jimin propose to her. cries because he’d never had the chance of loving his soulmate like that. if taehyung was given a chance- he’d show jimin the love he’s left over the years and drown him in it. yet, fate never allowed that.

he watched jimin and her go through the vows- the vows he wishes he could share with him instead, and he can’t really stop the tears, can he? and yet, when jimin looks over at him with pride glowing on his face, taehyung smiles- smiles because jimin’s happiness always mattered the most, even though it killed him inside to see it, he still smiled. and when they kissed, he only smiled bigger, the pressure on his chest suffocating him- but hey, jimin looks so happy, and taehyung’s proud of him, he really is. proud and happy for all the reasons jimin’s so over the clouds. even if taehyung’s not the reason behind this ecstasy. it was always her. yet, it didn’t matter.

after all, they’re soulmates. soulmates- people who always love each other, and accept each other for whoever, however they are. and a soulmate is what jimin is to taehyung. even though the man found someone to call his ‘one and only’ now, taehyung knew no one would be able to replace the space in his space that jimin had occupied for so long- even though his love was never reciprocated how he wanted it to, he tries to be content.

after all, it was always her. no matter how many times taehyung tried to distract jimin, it had always been her who he came running back to. now standing at this point, seeing that euphoric smile on jimin’s face, taehyung realizes that it’s time he gave up. it’s been years, the same feelings for the same person- yet taehyung’s not that blinded. he knows he can’t possibly ever give jimin what she can, he can’t make him as happy as she does. it was always her, and always will be.

if she’s the one jimin’s wanting to spend his days and nights with- he’ll let her have him. because soulmates, they only care about each other’s happiness- and who was taehyung to deny jimin his happiness?

taehyung was nothing but a best friend- a soulmate, he’d like to say. and watching his soulmate being so blissfully content and exultant, around someone who wasn’t him, he just smiles through the tears. cause taehyung’s always loved jimin- loved him even though his happiness cost taehyung his tears and heartbreak, even though his happiness caused taehyung to break and succumb, deep into a pit of unwanted, unneeded feelings, feelings that were never returned- and even if he’s afraid if he’ll be able to get out it, he still loves jimin like the first day he ever did.

cause jimin always loved him, accepted him for who he was, and taehyung can never give back the same amount of happiness and support jimin’s given to him. so the least he could do for his soulmate is smile and drown in his happiness, even it’s suffocating taehyung. as long as it’ll make jimin smile, he’ll be alright.

after all, jimin is his soulmate, his other half- his missing piece. and taehyung’s never wanted anything more than his minnie’s happiness.

―

( this was a mess, sorry 😔😔 )
( also this isn’t edited, so spare my typos- )