"I think you are wrong to want a heart. It makes most people unhappy. If you only knew it, you are in luck not to have a heart." ― L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
"Kurt's here!" he heard Blaine exclaim, and he realised that, from where he was standing, none of them could actually see him.
"What? Hummel?" asked David in a serious voice that Blaine glared at.
"No, the other Kurt we all know."
"Marsden's here?" asked Sebastian, eyebrow arching, and Kurt blinked in sync with Blaine, both of them taken aback by what Sebastian had said whilst David and Thad sniggered. However, where Kurt's brow sunk into a frown, Blaine rolled his eyes.
"How is it that you remember Kurt Marsden, but you don't know the names of all the Warblers?" Sebastian rolled his eyes to the ceiling in an exasperated manner.
"Why do you think?" he demanded, and Kurt had to roll his eyes as it took Blaine several seconds to work out that Sebastian had slept with him.
"Oh," said Blaine, looking away. "Right." Kurt couldn't help but think that Blaine looked a little bit disappointed at that. He shook his head because if Blaine wanted to hook up with Sebastian than that was his problem. Sebastian rolled his eyes, and David said;
"Come on, let's just go and get that McDonalds we were talking about…we can't figure this out until we've stuffed several chicken wings down Sebastian's throat."
"I am not putting that shit in my body!"
"I dare you."
"No, I forfeit."
"Okay, you have to go and talk to all the Freshmen and ask them how they're fitting in and listen to their problems."
"Oh for fuck's sake! I'll eat the friggin' chicken!" Kurt watched Blaine and Thad laugh at their conversation and knew that he should step in and say something; he should demand to talk to Blaine, he should call him out on leaving his teammate behind, he should do something, but he couldn't. He just let Blaine walk out the door with the Warblers.
Shaking his head he turned around, but found he didn't want to go to see the New Directions either. Why hadn't he stepped forward to talk to Blaine? What had been so wrong about that moment? Yes, some of the Warblers had been right there, but… Kurt could make them go away. He could have asked for a minute alone to talk to his ex-boyfriend, but he didn't… Why?
Was he simply too much of a coward to find out the truth? Was he afraid of what Blaine might say? But, what did he have to fear? He shouldn't have to be afraid to talk to Blaine. He was here to clear the air and cast aside all doubts. That wasn't going to happen if Kurt didn't talk to him. Honestly, what was wrong with him?
Glancing over his shoulder, he knew that it was too late to and talk to Blaine now – he was long gone with his Warbler friends – and he guessed he should just go home and fill them on in on what had happened. He could go see Blaine tomorrow, and he would do it. He would find out everything. He had to. Blaine…well, Blaine must know that Kurt would be coming to talk to him. The only thing that worried him was that Blaine would have had time to "figure this out" which seemed to translate, to Kurt's mind, to time to make up more lies.
Still, short of following them to whichever McDonalds they had gone to, there was nothing he could do. He had no desire to stalk Blaine around Lima or Westerville or wherever he was going, so he just had to wait until tomorrow. Maybe, by then, he would have worked out which questions to ask. There was the question; what's the real truth, but seeing as Blaine was hiding it in the first place then he wasn't likely to respond to that. Kurt didn't want to be subtle, though, he didn't want to delicately prod and poke until he hit the right button; he needed to find the blunt question that would result in a genuine answer.
He never thought it would get this complicated, he thought morosely as he turned on the car engine, because it had been simple. However much he was angry and hurt, he couldn't forget Blaine's scream when he believed everything that Wes had said to him in the hallway – when he realised that they understood whatever it was – or the fact that, putting it all aside, when Wes had first turned up he had been genuinely concerned. Christ, Sebastian had even put on a gentle tone of voice for Blaine. It – whatever it was – was there.
Kurt knew he wasn't going to get anywhere obsessing over the same details over and over again, but he couldn't help it. It was all niggling away in the corner of his mind; slowly driving him insane for sure. He just had to retain his focus on his goals, and he wasn't going to let the Dalton boys meddle or speak for Blaine or tell him anything. Blaine might have lost his trust, but there was no doubt that Blaine had slept with someone – Wes had confirmed it when he'd say he'd be happy if Blaine had done it with someone other than Eli – which meant, to some degree, he wanted to be honest with Kurt more than anything. That's what he had to play on.
Still, though, despite all his rational thoughts, the question danced around his mind of did it change anything? He guessed that, despite not being able to forgive and not trusting him, he did what Blaine back. He supposed half of what he was afraid of was hearing something that would do more damage. He was scared that something more would fall down between them; shatter what little was rest of their relationship, and they would not be able to turn back.
He turned his mind, for want of anything better to do, to what would happen to the Glee club now. They had not won competitions before, but this had taken them back to square zero because they'd never lost Sectionals! They were National champions, but they'd lost at Sectionals – well, technically they were disqualified, but Kurt thought that was even worse. They should have at least placed second if their performance hadn't impressed the judges more than the Warblers' dynamic ones.
He could not imagine how demoralising it was for the Seniors – Artie and Tina in particular as they were part of the original five New Directions, and, he supposed, Brittany too – to go out of the competition in their last year. They would have all of had dreams of a second Nationals trophy, fighting to keep their crown, and, at the very least, having the fun of going to another city to compete and sing. Now what were they going to do?
He didn't envy Finn's position in the least, he thought wryly, because with Mr Schue going off than it was down to him to keep the morale up and stop the club from losing some of its top members; Tina, Artie, Brittany, Sam…Blaine, because there was nothing that they would gain from staying in the New Directions apart from the family that they had there. Except he had no idea how close they were to the newer members so maybe it wasn't enough to keep them there anymore. If it wasn't then Finn was in an utter mess.
"So, it's looking pretty bad then?" asked Burt, and Kurt nodded, eating some of the cold meat and nibbling at the reheated vegetables.
"I mean, Marley was fine, but they were disqualified." He shrugged, and Burt and Carole shared looks that he guessed were to do with Finn finally something that he was good at and made him happy only to have a spanner thrown in the works. "I don't think it will be the end of the club," he continued. "It'll be quite hard for the ones in Senior year, but the others still have other chances. They'll just lose confidence, but they've got a year to build that back up."
"I suppose," said Carole. "but still…It must be quite hard on Marley." Kurt shrugged, but then nodded.
"I would imagine, but I can't see anyone saying it was her fault to her face. The Warblers were very good so they might not have won anyway; it's never certain."
"Did you speak to Blaine?" asked Burt after they'd chewed on their food for a little bit. Kurt sighed, having known that it was coming, before he shook his head.
"Why not?" interrogated Burt. Kurt pursed his lips, closed his eyes, before sighing.
"I saw him backstage, and he was with the Warblers; David, Sebastian and Thad… He knew I was there, and he was freaking about that – he didn't know I was there, but he'd seen me in the audience – but the others just made jokes about some other guy called Kurt Marsden that was at Dalton that Sebastian had slept with, and then David said that they should go to McDonalds, and they just walked off…" Burt looked at his son in a disapproving manner.
"Why didn't you step in and talk to him?" Kurt shrugged, shaking his head.
"I don't know. I really have no idea, but it's okay. I'm going to go to and talk to him tomorrow. I'll go to his house and speak to him." Burt nodded, still giving him a look that said he should have talked to Blaine there, but Kurt didn't need that because he'd worked that much out for himself thank you very much.
The door slammed before Burt could say anything more to Kurt though, which was a relief, and Finn slouched in. He looked at their sympathetic smiles and understanding looks and let out a long sigh, shoulders dropping even further. He rolled his eyes and dropped down into the chair and grabbed the food with a scowl. Kurt glanced over at Burt who widened his eyes and pursed his lips.
"How's Marley?" asked Carole. Finn shrugged and let out a heavy sigh.
"Fine, I think…She just needed some food. I wish we'd known that stupid rule about not going off stage." He ran a hand over his eyes. "I do not want to think what Coach Sylvester is going to say to Figgins tomorrow. I'm pretty sure we're going to lose the choir room though…" He put his hands over his face. "I can't believe I screwed it up so quickly." Kurt shot him a disapproving look.
"You can't have been expecting her to faint, Finn. No one expects anyone to faint in the middle of their performance – and congratulations for being a human being and not bothering to read the rule book." Finn shot him a half smile as he picked as his food.
"I just feel like I should have…I dunno…picked up on it or something…Like, I feel like I should have been able to know that she wasn't eating and stuff…" Kurt rolled his eyes.
"Finn, you can't just know those things about people; you have to know that they're not eating or hear that they think that they're fat or whatever…Unless they are seriously underweight it isn't something that you're going to notice – not when you're trying to manage the New Directions." Finn snorted a little bit, rolling his eyes to the ceiling.
"I suppose…God I really need to record everything you say and play it in my ear or something…Like, portable common sense or something." Kurt raised his eyebrow in disbelief whilst a smile spread across Carole's face as Burt's brow furrowed into a frown and he shook his head. Then the snort of laughter that had been contained behind his pursed lips broke free.
He burst out laughing, head tipping forward as felt a warmth spread through him, and he continued to chuckle at the idea of Finn playing recordings of Kurt when he felt he needed some common sense to help him out. Finn looked over at him and rolled his eyes, before, as their parents both laughed, accepting that what he'd said had been both ridiculous and hilarious, and beginning to laugh too.
Kurt looked at Blaine's house, letting out a deep, steadying, breath and flexing his hands on the steering wheel. Most of the blinds seemed to be drawn around the house, and Kurt supposed that his parents were probably away, and Blaine was most likely only getting up around now – at half eleven – after Finn had told him he hadn't come to school which was no doubt a result staying out late with the Warblers the previous night. Or at least that's what he had anticipated as it had been a convenient excuse to delay his arrival.
Rolling his eyes at the ridiculousness of it all, he got out of his car, slamming the door and locking it, and trudged up the familiar path to Blaine's front door. Kurt paused when he got there, considering simply using the spare key to let himself in, but then decided against that. It was okay when Blaine was expecting him and they were dating, but if he was turning up out of the blue then it was much more polite of him to announce himself to him. He knocked on the door, and he was forced to wait several minutes before it swung open to reveal a sight that made him sick to the stomach.
There, wearing nothing but a towel around their waist with their hair still damp from the shower and water still dripping down their chest, stood Sebastian Smythe. His mouth had been opened to say something, but he closed it on sight of Kurt – clearly they had been expecting something else. Kurt stared into Sebastian's calm green eyes, it seemed that his unexpected arrival did not shake him, and desperately fought the urge to be sick because this was so not happening.
"Sebastian, how many times do I have to tell you? You cannot answer the door when you're not…" Blaine trailed off at the sight of Kurt, his eyes bugging wide open and a panicked expression appearing on his face. Kurt took a deep breath, pushing down his jealousy because if Blaine wanted to mess around with Sebastian and get his heartbroken by a bastard that was fine, and arranged his face into a cool expression.
"I can come back later if you're…busy…?" Blaine blinked, glanced at Sebastian and rubbed his hand over his eyes in a tired manner.
"Um, no, that's ridiculous…come in." Sebastian stepped aside, but not before Kurt had seen a smirk appearing on his face that Kurt was not going to slap because he was not jealous because Blaine had broken his heart.
"I'll make coffee," he said, whirling around and marching off towards the kitchen. Blaine scratched the back of his neck as Kurt noticed that he was still wearing his pyjamas, his curly hair was messier than normal, and he looked very tired.
"Sorry, I, um…I wasn't expecting to see you here…I mean, um, I knew you were around…I saw you at Sectionals, but, um-"
"Blaine!" came Sebastian's yell, cutting through his babbling, and Kurt felt a nasty expression attempt to twist its way onto his lips. "How many times do I have to tell you? Unless you want to be robbed, shut the fucking door!" Blaine went scarlet and immediately closed the door, glancing at Kurt nervously. Kurt – although his insides were a mess because were they fucking dating? – gave him a pleasant smile.
"Are we going into the front room?" he asked, and Blaine started before nodding again. Kurt followed him in, and then immediately wished he hadn't. The normally pristine sofa was a mess; cushions askew, pillows on the floor, a blanket sprawled over it with Sebastian's Dalton tie and blazer littering it and the floor. Kurt perched himself on the end, pursing his lips whilst Blaine nervously kicked one of the cushions into place and then sat down.
"So, um…" said Blaine, not quite meeting his eyes, and Kurt had never thought this would be so hard. "Why did you-" Sebastian walked in and delivered them coffee. Smirking at Kurt and winking at Blaine, he left the room with a definite swagger in his step. Blaine gave him a weak smile as he gulped his hastily for something to do before wincing at the scalding temperature. Kurt almost shot him a disapproving look, but stopped himself.
"I came here," he said because there was no point beating about the bush or prolonging his visit because Kurt wanted this over as soon as possible. "because I want the truth." Blaine's eyes got even wider at that, and he glanced around as the sound of Sebastian's feet went up the stairs, like he was wishing that he would stay here and give him some advice and support. Kurt would never admit how much that single action hurt him.
He saw just how far gone he and Blaine were in that second. Blaine no longer needed Kurt for anything. Where he might have needed friendship or companionship or just someone to sing with he had the Warblers. Where he needed someone to encourage him and support him and offer him in the right direction he – somehow – had Sebastian. Where he needed someone to…fulfil his physical needs in a relationship he had Sebastian. Where he needed someone to love him… Kurt wasn't sure, but he knew he had the Warblers to do the platonic side of that, and, maybe just maybe, he had Sebastian do that as well.
Blaine's relationship with Sebastian was clearly different to when he'd met him last year. Before he'd been completely dazzled by him, in awe and so obviously enjoying his flirting and attention, but he now looked to Sebastian on a deeper level. Before, everything with Sebastian had been completely physical – Sebastian had never scratched the surface of that back then – but now Sebastian was there for Blaine, albeit in a different way to Kurt, on an emotional one too.
It was all gone.
Still, he was here for answers so that he could move on from Blaine, just like Blaine had so easily moved on from him.
"Um…" said Blaine, eventually filling the silence. "I don't- I don't know what you're talking about." After the horribly crushing revelation that Kurt had just experienced, he felt his resolve to be polite simply snap.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Blaine!" he exclaimed in annoyance because he was not in the mood for whatever plan that Blaine had made last night with the Warblers. Whatever game he was playing, Kurt was done playing along. He wasn't going to fall into line and dance to Blaine's tune because Kurt was the victim in all of this, not Blaine.
"I-I- what is going on?" Blaine's eyes were impossibly wide, and Kurt felt like shaking him so that he would just stop.
"I know that there's something going on, Blaine! I know because Wes came to me and started asking questions about someone called Eli! I know because I saw you after Grease, and I am very interested as to why this is not your fault. Of course you're not the only person in this situation; lots of people cheat on their boyfriends, but what is so different about you?" He knew that there were some tears in his eyes, but he tried to ignore it, blinking it away, and focused on the petrified expression on Blaine's face.
"What- what did Wes tell you?" Kurt gave him a hard look at the tremble in his voice. Then he took a calming breath, composed himself, before speaking;
"He told me that it was bad news, that it affected someone else in the Warblers, that it had Sebastian panicking and that I would "very happy" if you'd hooked up with someone else." He knew he sounded scathing, but he felt that he had the right, and he was also hoping that he might be able to startle the truth out of him.
Blaine took a shaky breath in, blinking, and Kurt could see, alarmingly enough, that there were tears building up rapidly in his eyes. He didn't know what was upsetting Blaine so much, but he could see that it was the same thing that had reduced him to a sobbing wreck after Grease. It was the thing that made Kurt worried because something that was so bad to tear down all Blaine's protective walls that he hid behind was bad.
"Blaine…" he said, voice softening on instinct because he was in love with Blaine, and he didn't want to see him upset or cry. He just didn't.
"Kurt, I told you," he said in a voice that faltered and waved, but held. "I was with someone. It was- it meant nothing, but I was with someone…Nothing else matters." Kurt let out an exasperated sigh because this could change things between them. Wes had given him the hope that it could change it.
"Blaine, I know you're lying to me. Why are you telling it was just a hook up? Why did you even tell me that in the first place?" he demanded, latching onto the strange thing because it would have been so much better for Blaine to lie to Kurt. Blaine should have just lied to him to spare them both all this pain.
"Because you-" he broke off, looking away, shaking his head vigorously. "Because you- you…"
"Blaine," he pressed. "tell me."
"Because I don't deserve you!" he yelled, leaping from the sofa with the tears beginning to slip down his face, some form of anger – probably at himself – bursting from him. "I don't deserve you, Kurt, after what I did I will never deserve you." Kurt got to his feet, standing over Blaine and giving him a cold look.
"Don't you think that that's for me to decide? And how can I do that when I haven't been told everything? Don't you want to try and fix this? Don't you even care?" Blaine looked away, biting down on the inside of his lip as he cried, and Kurt felt so frustrated because Blaine didn't seem to care about trying to move on! "You don't, do you?" he said, stepping backwards in disgust, face turning into a sneer. "You don't care because you have the Warblers, and Sebastian, but what about me, Blaine? You hurt me with what you did."
"I said I was sorry…" he croaked out, and Kurt gave a dismissive snort.
"That doesn't change what you did, Blaine! That doesn't change anything! I came here to try and- and change things. Look me in the eye, Blaine, look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy with what happened. I can't forgive you, Blaine, until you tell me what happened! I don't want to not trust you or be unhappy, I want this to be different, so just tell me!" Blaine shook his head, moving a hand to wipe away his tears.
"I told you everything you need to know," he reiterated. Kurt shook his head, closing his eyes, and unable to believe this. Blaine was not going to tell him. Blaine wasn't sorry. Blaine genuinely did not seem to care about how Kurt felt.
He felt several tears, unbidden and unwanted, spill over his lids because he had never, ever, felt that Blaine did not care about him. Blaine had cared about Kurt when he didn't even know Kurt. He'd come to confront Kurt's bully with him. He'd stood up for him when no one else did. He'd cared for Kurt and seen Kurt's sadness when no one else had and no one else cared. He had always cared for Kurt. Kurt could not describe the unbearable, ripping, feeling he was experiencing inside himself at the idea.
"You don't care about me…" he whispered in a voice of hoarse wonder. Blaine's stopped crying the second the words were out of his mouth. He stared at Kurt with wide, shocked, eyes. He shook his head, first slowly but then increasingly fast.
"No, no, I'm doing this because I care." Kurt shot him an angry, disparaging, look that was filled with disbelief and scorn.
"No you're not," he said in a cold voice, even though he was still crying at what he had worked out. "You're doing this for yourself. I don't need you to choose for me. I don't need you to make my decisions for me, and you know that. You just wanted out, didn't you? You couldn't stand not having a boyfriend around, could you?" Blaine was shaking his head so furiously, crying again, that it was becoming a blur, but Kurt was past paying attention to him. His mind was whirring away in an irrational manner, sending words through his mouth before he'd even considered what they'd meant.
"This is all about you being"lonely", isn't it? So you could be with Sebastian, and-"
"What are you talking about?"
"Blaine!" The door flew open, and Sebastian came dashing in, collar of his white shirt open, which hung lose over his grey school trousers. Both of them turned their tear-filled, angry, eyes to him only to freeze. Sebastian had a look that was one of pure shock and fear. His eyes were wide open and his face was pale.
"Bastian…?" questioned Blaine, wiping his eyes and stepping towards him. "What- what's happened?"
"It's Thad," said Sebastian, in a voice that clearly fought for control. Kurt looked between them, unable to gauge what was going on, as Blaine's face also transitioned into a scared, panicked, one.
"What- what's happened to him?"
"He told his parents everything!" yelled Sebastian, and Kurt was shocked to hear Sebastian's voice jump higher in panic and fear. Blaine blinked several times.
"Ev- what do you mean everything?"
"I mean, he came out and then some!" Blaine took several steps closer to Sebastian, and Kurt's mind was spinning because since when was Thad gay?
"How did they take it?" asked Blaine in a hoarse voice.
"I don't know! He ran off, locked himself in his room and by the time David smashed the door down…" Sebastian swallowed, and Kurt felt his eyes flicker between the two boys as something seemed to crash down on Blaine. His legs went weak, and he snatched onto Sebastian's arm. "He's in hospital." Kurt felt his eyes go wide open in shock as he put two and two together – Thad had tried to commit suicide!
Kurt felt something horrible sink down inside of him as Blaine went into a panic. His hands flew around as some tears fell down his face. Sebastian seemed to get a hold of himself as Blaine twittered around in distressed way. His face stopped being scared and frightened, and a shutter seemed to snap down over his so that all that Kurt saw was a steely expression. Sebastian grabbed Blaine by his upper arm and shook him.
"You have five minutes to put some clothes on or I'm going without you." Blaine blinked and darted from the room. Sebastian turned his cold, indifferent, eyes on Kurt, but it didn't matter now because Kurt had seen Sebastian in a state of pure terror; his indifferent mask didn't work quite so well when Kurt had seen completely and utterly scared for another person.
"I think you better head home, Hummel," he said. "And you might want to try and stop thinking about yourself all the time." Kurt wanted to hit him, but he couldn't because he wasn't about to sink to the level of physical violence, and Sebastian's friend had just attempted suicide and was in hospital and Sebastian was very worried about him.
So, Kurt let it go. He let it go because he couldn't take anymore. He didn't want to stay another minute anyway. He walked out of the house with his shoulders slumped in a manner of defeat because he hadn't got the answers he'd wanted and all he'd done was break his heart his heart even further. Still, he got in the car in silence and watched as Sebastian and Blaine dashed out and drove off, and, when they were gone from view, he let himself break down into sobs at the pointlessness of it all.