"We accept the love we think we deserve." ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
He had to admit that, horribly enough, he found that he didn't really have him in it to be too fussed over Marley fainted, or to hear that they'd been disqualified because show choir wasn't that important in the grand scheme of things because Kurt was here. Kurt here! What was Kurt doing here? Was he here to see Blaine? Would he even see Blaine?
"Hey Blaine!" he turned around and saw the Warblers, minus Hunter it seemed, standing there, David awkwardly holding the trophy. He gave them all a smile, though, and stepped forward to hug Nick, Jeff and Trent – congratulating Nick on his solo – before pulling Thad into a tight embrace, that David piled onto and, lastly, forcing a hug onto Sebastian who threw him off as soon as he could.
"How's your teammate?" asked David, a look of great concern appearing on his face. Blaine gave them a smile and a shrug.
"She just fainted…" he shot David, Sebastian and Thad a look that screamed "I need to talk!", and they nodded subtly.
"Nicholas!" cried David. "I entrust you to look after this trophy, if anything happens to it; I know where you live – the room above me – and I'll kill you...and probably frame Hunter for it all." Nick saluted as the rest laughed, and, after some pointed looks, the Warblers trotted off. Blaine took a deep breath, looking between the three of them and suddenly finding himself short of words.
"Blaine, come on!" said Sebastian, snapping his fingers. "Don't leave us all hanging in suspense! What's the big news? Employment? Cancer? Pregnancy?" Blaine stared at Sebastian for several long moments before they all burst out laughing. Sebastian flickered his eyes the ceiling in despair, but he did let a small, triumphant, smirk spread across his face at making Blaine laugh.
"Pregnancy!" snorted David, doubling up as Thad gave Sebastian a look that told him he was ridiculous whilst he laughed.
"On a more serious note," he said when he stopped laughing. "What is wrong, Blaine?" Blaine took a deep breath before bursting out;
"Kurt's here!" Three pairs of eyes stared at him; two shocked and one – surprise, surprise, belonging to Sebastian – unimpressed.
"What? Hummel?" asked David in a serious voice tone of voice that caused Blaine to glare at him because which other Kurt could he possibly be talking about?
"No, the other Kurt we all know."
"Marsden's here?" asked Sebastian, eyebrow arching, and Blaine blinked at that, completely taken aback by the statement and surprised that Sebastian even remembered Kurt Marsden whilst David and Thad sniggered. Then he rolled his eyes at him.
"How is it that you remember Kurt Marsden, but you don't know the names of all the Warblers?" Sebastian rolled his eyes to the ceiling in an exasperated manner that he seemed to have perfected.
"Why do you think?" he demanded, and Blaine stared, blankly, at him until it clicked that Sebastian must have slept with him.
"Oh," said Blaine, looking away at the sudden memory of Eli. "Right." It was horrible to have it sprung on it like that, but he tried to remember what Thad about said about memories of Kurt and he felt a little better. Sebastian rolled his eyes, and David said;
"Come on, let's just go and get that McDonalds we were talking about…we can't figure this out until we've stuffed several chicken wings down Sebastian's throat." Sebastian turned a glare on David whilst Thad rolled his eyes and hid his laughter. Blaine felt himself relax.
"I am not putting that shit in my body!"
"I dare you."
"No, I forfeit."
"Okay, you have to go and talk to all the Freshmen and ask them how they're fitting in and listen to their problems."
"Oh for fuck's sake! I'll eat the friggin' chicken!" Blaine dissolved into laughter along with Thad at their conversation because if he needed two people to entertain him then David and Sebastian bickering certainly did the trick. David slung an arm around his shoulder whilst Sebastian and Thad engaged in a little shoving war started by Thad.
They piled into Sebastian's car because Sebastian refused to be driven around by anyone that was not himself. Thad got in the front whilst David chased Blaine into the back seat. Blaine let the warmth that he always, always, got from them – these three more than anyone else in the Warblers – wash over him as Sebastian turned on the radio and cranked it up when he realised that it was playing Live While We're Young. Thad let out a small groan and turned it off. Sebastian shot him a glare.
"Don't you dare touch my radio again!" he snapped whilst David leaned back, putting his hands behind his head, to watch the inevitable argument that would happen. Blaine had learnt quickly that – whilst Sebastian cared more about Thad then the rest of them – Sebastian gained a certain pleasure from pressing Thad's buttons and setting him off.
The radio went back on, and Thad crossed his arms and scowled. David laughed his head off, and Blaine took some deep breaths, feeling his hands wind themselves together in his lap, as he tried to keep the anxiety at bay. It was going round and round in his mind; was Kurt here for him? Should he have stayed? What did he want? What did Blaine want? He ran a hand down his face.
"Blaine," said David, a hand going to his arm. Blaine jumped and looked at his friend. He gave him a forced smile as he noted that the radio had suddenly been switched off.
"David?" David rolled his eyes, Thad had twisted around in his seat and Sebastian was glaring at him via the rear-view mirror. Right, what was he thinking? He sighed and sunk against the back of the car seat. "I just wonder whether he's here to talk to me. I mean… he can't know so what does he want." He missed the looks that David and Sebastian shared because he was looking at Thad's worried expression.
"Maybe- maybe he's here to forgive you." Blaine felt his eyes go wide because, yes, he wanted to be back with Kurt, but he stuck by resolution – Kurt deserved better.
"What do I do?" he asked in a hoarse voice that was filled with fear. Thad looked at the other occupants in the car, and there was a very awkward silence. "What?" he demanded, eyes darting between the three Dalton boys around him.
"Tell him," said Sebastian, eventually, rolling his eyes, and it took Blaine a second to realise that Sebastian was not ordering someone else in the car to tell him something, but for Blaine to tell Kurt. Blaine shook his head vigorously.
"No, no, no, I can't! I can't take the risk! I can't have- it's not- I can't!" he looked around, his eyes filled with tears, and David rubbed his upper arm.
"Okay, look, Blaine; we're not telling him anything, and we're not telling you to tell him anything," Sebastian glared at them again. David rolled his eyes. "Alright, Sebastian thinks you should tell him, but, seeing as Sebastian cannot comprehend emotions and human beings in general, we're not going to listen to him." Thad burst out laughing at that, eyeing Sebastian, whilst Sebastian rolled his eyes a little bit, and Blaine felt his lips turn upwards in a smile.
"The most important thing, though Blaine," said Thad in a very serious voice when he'd stopped laughing at Sebastian's expense. "is that you continue to not blame yourself." Blaine nodded, staring into his friend's eyes which were haunted – telling Blaine that Eli would stay with him forever – but also contained the care for Blaine that was enough to give him hope.
"Okay…" he muttered, glancing out of the window and feeling a little bit stupid in his performance clothes as Sebastian pulled into the drive through. They fell silent as Sebastian ordered for them, glaring at David when he put his own in, and they were all amused by how flustered the girl at the window got when the four boys, all neatly dressed and looking very charming, smiled at her as she handed them the food. David had kicked the back of Sebastian's chair before he could say anything that would reduce her to tears, and Sebastian, glaring at David again, drove off.
The radio was turned on once more, and David began to sing along very loudly which turned Sebastian's knuckles white on the wheel when Thad joined in. Blaine found himself laughing at Sebastian's obvious annoyance by their behaviour; David belting out the wrong lyrics marginally out of tune as he played air guitar, and Thad tried to sing over him as he banged his head along to the beat.
Sebastian had started muttering about setting Thad's things alight – Blaine had heard the unfortunate tale of their first meeting when Sebastian had almost set fire to all of Thad's possessions – to which David had roared with laughter as he'd come across the whole scene. The atmosphere in the car was so light despite everything that hung over them, and Blaine found himself laughing without really thinking about it all. Nothing mattered in those moments because it was just David roaring with laughter, Sebastian sending everyone death glares and Thad still singing like he wasn't being forced to remember all the things he'd buried since Freshman year.
Unfortunately for Blaine, the idea to plan what he was going to say to Kurt if he came to speak to him went out of the window when they got to his house. Blaine got dressed into his pyjamas, and when he came back down stairs the intro credits to Star Wars I were already rolling so he flopped down as he was handed his unhealthy meal that, as Sebastian would say, would fatten him up until Sebastian found a pot large enough to cook him in, and let himself forget.
It was incredible, but everything vanished from his mind, and, even though Sebastian was there and making sarcastic comments at the film, he managed to feel like he'd been whisked back in time to his arrival at Dalton when he'd stayed up late at night with the other guys watching films because he'd been too afraid to go to sleep where he'd have to face his nightmares.
He was still running from things, but this time he was running from them with people. None of his friends in his year had understood what he'd been through and only David knew that he'd been trying to put off sleep because of nightmares so it had been awkward and uncomfortable. However, here he was with his friends that had been through the situation before and were filled with confidence and hope – well, he wasn't sure about Sebastian being filled with hope, but he firmly believed that they would get better – and that made watching all the Star Wars movies one of the most pleasant things he'd done in his life because there was no expectation, no pressure, no fear; simply comfort.
Their Star Wars marathon took them into the early hours of the morning. Somewhere around the third film David had gone off to get a blanket that the four of them – Sebastian caved eventually after much pleading and blackmail – curled up under, and, whilst Sebastian decided that A New Hope was boring and that it would be more fun to tickle Thad, they all managed to just about to stay on the sofa as they passed out against each other – the Dalton boys still dressed in their uniforms though they'd disposed of their blazers and ties a while back – after Blaine had managed to get the DVD out of the player and back in the pile.
Blaine blinked heavily as he slowly came drifting back into the living world. He had a very soft cushion beneath him, and he snuggled into the warmth, wishing he could fall back asleep. However, the pillow shifted and decided it wanted to poke at him. Blaine swiped at it in a tired fashion – why couldn't just let him sleep? – before freezing. He'd just been poked by a pillow!
His eyes shot open as he sat upwards, sending the blanket over him tumbling into his lap, and blinked around the room with a similar expression to a mole poking it's head into the sunlight. Glancing around, he saw that he was still on the sofa in his front room and that his pillow was, in fact, David. David gave him a grin as he rubbed a hand over his face and pointed to the other side of Blaine. Blaine, blinking away the sleep in his eyes, looked round and saw a sight that made a smile spread across his face.
On the other side of the sofa were Thad and Sebastian. Sebastian was sprawled against the corner of the sofa, head hanging backwards into the air as his upper back was braced between the arm and the back cushion. His arms, however, were wrapped very tightly around Thad, who had his face pressed into Sebastian's shoulder and his legs and arms curled into his body and was lying flush against Sebastian's body.
He found himself fighting a laugh at the sight whilst David pulled out his phone and took a picture, an action that Blaine copied when he located his own mobile, and the noise seemed to wake Sebastian. A frown appeared on his face, and his face fell into one of complete shock – possibly with a mixture of horror – as he looked at Thad's position. He scowled at David and Blaine, clearly knowing what they'd done, and then poked Thad.
Blaine put his head in his hands as Thad began to stir because the best way for Thad to wake up was probably not tucked into his best friend's side. He saw an amused grin spread across David's face as he filmed the scene so that he would be able to tease them at a later date, and Thad frowned at his position and then recoiled, eyes going wide and face blushing scarlet until he collided with Blaine and knocked them both off the sofa. David began laughing very hard, and Sebastian's face looked amused as Thad ruffled up his hair and looked at his watch.
"It's quarter to eleven!" he exclaimed, suddenly, looking around in alarm. "Shit! I told my parents I'd be home! Shit! Shit! Shit!"
"Calm down!" grumbled Sebastian, sending him a glare that told him that it was too early in the morning for him to cause such a loud noise, and Blaine had to agree with him. Sebastian stretched as he climbed off the sofa whilst Thad glared at him. "You can simply call them, and then go with David in Blaine's car, right Blaine?" Blaine, blinking rapidly, nodded and smiled.
"Yeah…let's have breakfast…" Everyone snorted at Blaine's sudden desire to eat food after so long of starving himself, but Blaine felt surprisingly hungry for once – maybe it came from actually feeling emotionally content.
"Blaine, I don't mean to alarm you," said David as they trudged into the kitchen, and him and Thad began pulling out things to cook breakfast with. "but shouldn't you be at school?" Blaine yawned, widely, still not feeling very awake, but then shook his head.
"I feel ill…besides you're using my car," he muttered which wasn't technically true, but he certainly didn't think he'd manage a two hour drive in his state of tiredness. The Warblers gave him an appraising look before shrugging.
"Probably safest if you don't drive anywhere, especially not with Sebastian," muttered Thad as he frowned at the egg carton as if he couldn't remember how to open it. Sebastian seemed to be the only person that's brain had clicked into gear at this time in the morning as he put some toast in the toaster – probably the only thing Sebastian was capable of making as he had someone at his house that cooked for him – and stared at David, demanding to know why he had not conjured up food.
David and Thad made a pretty decent fry up when they could agree on which pan to use, and Blaine found himself laughing as he fought to keep his eyes open as David tried to swallow a sausage whole, and Thad made a face with eggs for eyes, sausage mouth and nose and bacon hair. Sebastian had insisted that they were all trying to kill him by feeding him filth, but he ate it up just the same.
Blaine gave David a tired glare that threatened him to cause harm to his car. David just grinned, cheekily, back at him as the food seemed to have woken him up. Thad looked like he wanted to die in a hole, but he did give Sebastian a smile that told him it was okay to stay and to look after Blaine, for which Blaine was grateful until he realised that that meant he had to put up with all of Sebastian's comments about how he was an idiot. Luckily, though, those would be postponed until after Sebastian had his shower which left Blaine to clean up the kitchen.
He ignored the knock on the door because no one actually came to see him until he heard Sebastian's feet and almost dropped the plate because Sebastian was going to do the stupid, opening-the-door-when-he-was-half-naked thing that had scared the neighbour's eight year old when she'd come to sell her girl scout cookies, or something. He stuffed the plate into the dishwasher and called out, moving into the hallway;
"Sebastian, how many times do I have to tell you? You cannot answer the door when you're not…" he trailed off, eyes going wide at the sight of Kurt. Kurt was here? Oh God! He hadn't worked out what to say to him! Oh no! Oh no!
"I can come back later if you're…busy…?" Blaine blinked, feeling highly confused by the comment and looked at Sebastian as he rubbed his tired eyes.
"Um, no, that's ridiculous…" he said because there was no point Kurt taking a four hour round trip to see him. "Come in," he watched, feeling panicked, nervous and awkward as Sebastian stepped aside, and then announced he was going to make coffee, for which he was eternally grateful as he scratched the back of his neck and tried to find something to say.
"Sorry, I, um…I wasn't expecting to see you here…I mean, um, I knew you were around…I saw you at Sectionals, but, um-"
"Blaine!" Blaine almost breathed a sigh of relief at the shout that stopped him making a complete fool of himself. "How many times do I have to tell you? Unless you want to be robbed, shut the fucking door!" Blaine blushed scarlet, wondering what Kurt must think of him as he closed the door.
"Are we going into the front room?" he thought he detected a highly cold note to Kurt's voice, but just let it go as he nodded and walked into the messy room. Blaine kicked one of the sofa cushions back into place before sitting down, not looking at Kurt.
"So, um… Why did you-" he was grateful, again, for Sebastian's interruption as the coffee – though it burned his throat – gave him something to do that didn't involve talking to, or looking at, Kurt.
"I came here because I want the truth," said Kurt, and Blaine's heart was beating so wildly in panic that he felt sick. He glanced around for Sebastian, but could hear him going up the stairs – shit, he was on his own.
"Um…" said Blaine, eventually filling the silence. "I don't- I don't know what you're talking about." He didn't understand how Kurt could possibly know that Blaine had not told him everything. Kurt's reaction in the park and when he'd come to the musical had told Blaine that he bought his story; what was going on?
"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Blaine!"
"I-I-" he faltered. "what is going on?" he got out eventually, eyes wide with panic and fear, and Kurt's face was unnaturally cold.
"I know that there's something going on, Blaine! I know because Wes came to me and started asking questions about someone called Eli! I know because I saw you after Grease, and I am very interested as to why this is not your fault. Of course you're not the only person in this situation; lots of people cheat on their boyfriends, but what is so different about you?" Blaine officially couldn't breathe he was so scared. What had Wes done?
"What- what did Wes tell you?" he asked in a quavering voice because Wes had promised him that he wouldn't tell Kurt what had happened, he'd promised him.
"He told me that it was bad news, that it affected someone else in the Warblers, that it had Sebastian panicking and that I would very happy if you'd hooked up with someone else." Blaine felt the tears build up in his eyes because Kurt was so close to finding out the truth. "Blaine…" he heard Kurt's voice soften, and that reminded him that he was not worthy of Kurt. He was sticking to his story. Kurt deserved better.
"Kurt, I told you," he said in a voice that faltered and waved, but held. "I was with someone. It was- it meant nothing, but I was with someone…Nothing else matters." He could not bear to look at Kurt as he sighed.
"Blaine, I know you're lying to me. Why are you telling it was just a hook up? Why did you even tell me that in the first place?"
"Because you-" he broke off, looking away, shaking his head vigorously as he remembered the cold realisation after it had ended when he'd known Kurt was the only person he could love and how he was not in way good enough for him. "Because you- you…"
"Blaine," he pressed. "tell me."
"Because I don't deserve you!" he cried, leaping off the sofa as he started to cry because why couldn't Kurt see that Blaine would never deserve him? "I don't deserve you, Kurt, after what I did I will never deserve you."
"Don't you think that that's for me to decide? And how can I do that when I haven't been told everything? Don't you want to try and fix this? Don't you even care?" Blaine looked away from Kurt, biting down on his lip because couldn't Kurt see he was doing this because he cared? "You don't, do you? You don't care because you have the Warblers, and Sebastian, but what about me, Blaine? You hurt me with what you did."
"I said I was sorry…" he croaked out because this hurt so much and because this was exactly what he was scared of, and Kurt gave a dismissive snort.
"That doesn't change what you did, Blaine! That doesn't change anything! I came here to try and- and change things. Look me in the eye, Blaine, look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy with what happened. I can't forgive you, Blaine, until you tell me what happened! I don't want to not trust you or be unhappy, I want this to be different, so just tell me!" Blaine shook his head because he wasn't happy, but he didn't deserve Kurt.
"I told you everything you need to know," he reiterated in the vain attempt to get Kurt to understand that the fact that he'd been with Eli – even though it had been rape – was the only thing that mattered.
"You don't care about me…" he heard Kurt's whisper and felt stop in horror. He stared at Kurt with wide eyes because he loved Kurt so much. He shook his head slowly – no! – and then faster – no! no! NO!.
"No, no, I'm doing this because I care." But Kurt didn't believe him, he could see it, and that was killing Blaine.
"No you're not," he said in a cold voice. "You're doing this for yourself. I don't need you to choose for me. I don't need you to make my decisions for me, and you know that. You just wanted out, didn't you? You couldn't stand not having a boyfriend around, could you?" Blaine shook his head as fast he could, tears streaming down his face – it's not my fault. It's not my fault. I'm doing this for Kurt. It's not my fault. – but he knew Kurt wasn't paying attention.
"This is all about you being"lonely", isn't it? So you could be with Sebastian, and-" Blaine felt his mind stop a little bit in shock at the mention of Sebastian before he remembered how to speak;
"What are you talking about?"
"Blaine!" The door flew open, and Sebastian – finally dressed – came sprinting in. Blaine turned angry eyes that were filled with tears onto him in sync with Kurt and froze. Sebastian looked terrified. His face was completely pale, and, though he looked shocked, his expression was mainly one of fear.
"Bastian…?" questioned Blaine, wiping his eyes and stepping towards him because he knew that there very few things – maybe only one thing – that could trigger such a reaction from Sebastian. "What- what's happened?"
"It's Thad," said Sebastian, in a voice that clearly fought for control. Blaine felt his panic and fear swirl up inside of him even though he should have seen it coming.
"What- what's happened to him?"
"He told his parents everything!" yelled Sebastian, and Blaine blinked several times, trying to understand what had just been said, but also in shock at the way Sebastian's voice at leapt up the octave at the end.
"Ev- what do you mean everything?" Because that could not mean what he thought it meant.
"I mean, he came out and then some!" Blaine took several steps closer to Sebastian in fear because – oh my God – Thad had just told his parents that he was gay and that he'd been raped completely out of the blue.
"How did they take it?" asked Blaine in a hoarse voice.
"I don't know! He ran off, locked himself in his room and by the David smashed the door down…" Sebastian swallowed, and, as the horrifying truth of what Thad must have done crashed down on him, his legs went weak. He snatched onto Sebastian's arm. "He's in hospital."
Blaine began to cry, hands flapping around uncontrollably, because Thad had just tried to kill himself, and Blaine obviously had to go and help, but what was he meant to say? Oh good grief! What did he say to Thad? What did he say to Thad's parents? Did they know about Blaine too? He felt completely unable to think logically in his state of distress until Sebastian grabbed onto his upper arm and shook him, grounding him.
"You have five minutes to put some clothes on or I'm going without you." Blaine blinked at him before he understood what that meant and darted from the room. He dashed up the stairs and crashed into his bedroom, wiping the tears from his face as he searched for the nearest clothes and threw them on hastily, not bothering with his hair, and just taking time to blow his nose and snatch his iPod because music always helped before thundering back down the stairs.
Sebastian, whose face was now schooled into a steely mask, stood by the front door with his blazer on and his car keys in his hand. Without saying a word, he wrenched open the front door and the two of them dashed to the car after Blaine had remembered to lock the house. He could see Kurt in his car and felt mildly relieved that he had an excuse to avoid talking to Kurt until he remembered what that excuse was, and then he felt sick to his stomach.
When they got to the hospital would Thad even still be alive?