Ghosts and Regrets
I sat in my flat. The floor was cold and my hands slid over it, touching the dents and the cracks in the tiles where I had smashed it. It lay next to me, shattered, broken, as damaged as my mind was right now. As ruined as my soul. I had always easily made mistakes, my mother had always told me that they were "Mistakes easily made" but I never believed her. Not after what my sister had told me.
It hurt to say her name now. After the car crash 8 years ago, everything had changed. My life, my home and my mother. I almost felt her presence here now.
"Katy?" I said foolishly and immediately scolded myself for doing it. Of course she wasn't here. She would never be back.
My mother had long suffered under the chains of dread and sorrow after my father died in a motorcycle accident when I was 5. She was never the same again. But when my sister died…she was distraught. Depressed and unable to look after herself, she had deemed herself unworthy to live and tried to take her own life. I had found her, unconscious in her house, all alone and decided to put her into a psychiatric facility just for 3 months so she would get over the depression. Nevertheless she still had a fragile mind. Even now, 8 years later.
There it was again. A new memory that had found its way back to me.
I had promised my mother that I would go see her last night. I knew for a fact now, that I hadn't, I had been too busy ruining myself and my conscience. A pain shot through my head and my mother materialized in front of me. She was sitting at the dinner table, crying, probably thinking I had abandoned her. I walked toward her and crouched down in front of her.
"I'm sorry, Mother." I rubbed her back and embraced her tightly. I couldn't go through this again.
"Darling…where were you? You left me. You-you promised…" She sobbed and I looked at the ground, shame washing over me like a cold rain shower, stinging like pins and needles in my back and in my side. I tried to repress the feelings but they came over me like a storm. I scrunched up my eyes, willing myself not to cry but I couldn't. Hot tears ran down my cheeks and halted on my chin and nose, clinging onto my skin until gravity claimed them.
I couldn't move. I tried opening my mouth but it wouldn't. I suddenly felt the urge to make her feel better so strongly that my guilt turned into a knife, cutting through me when I couldn't think of anything to do. I wanted to tell her what I had done, what I wanted to do, I wanted her to comfort me as she once had, to reason with me about what to do but I couldn't speak.
I started shivering violently and the shivering turned into an uncontrollable shaking.
Mother! I thought but in that instant I knew she was not real. She was not here. I was alone. Far from anyone I had ever loved. And I was having a seizure…
"SAM!" I heard a muffled shout and a key scraping in the lock. I wanted to turn, to look but I couldn't. I didn't need to. I knew it was Tom.
The door opened and in an instant Tom was by my side. He called for Dixie and Jeff and I felt a sting in my arm. After a while, I could feel myself slowly stopping to spasm and calm down. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was Tom.