It Had To Be My World That Came Crashing Down
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That's how the pain started.
One sharp tug in the pit of my stomach, and he was gone. Everything was gone.
Nothing was left for me to care about. And I didn't care, I wasn't going to care.
My brother was dead, and I was alive.
The tug was gone as fast as it had come, but the pain would never stop.
"TADASHI!" I called, I screamed in a mix of fear, sadness, and desperation.
He couldn't be gone, no, he couldn't be gone... He was my big brother and he would come back and save me at the last minute. Just like earlier. When I thought I was gonna get beaten to a pulp, when I was scared, he'd come for me, and he would do it now.
I waited for a response, the world seemed to slow down around me.
No response came.
No, no, no, no! This isn't happening... not after Mom and Dad...
He was gone
and I was alone.
Lying on the soft mattress, staring at the ceiling, I let my mind wander.
Smiles, happy people come first. Followed closely by tears and wails of agony.
The mattress now feels more like a sharp uneven rock.
Water fills my eyes, I don't even try to stop it. I let it flow freely down my face until it falls off my chin.
Bottling it up won't help me.
So I let myself cry, loudly, no longer caring who hears me or what they think of me.
Because the only person whose opinion I care about is dead.
They come to see me every single day, and sometimes it's annoying.
But they try their best to cheer me up. Often failing or just sending me deeper into my pit of despair my telling stories about him.
Honey Lemon always gives me a hug before she leaves. Smiling at me and telling me that they're there for me if I ever need them.
But I don't need them.
I need him.
The one person I can't see is the person I need to see most.
I most often find myself staring at his bed on his side of the room. Imagining that he's still there, getting ready for school or telling me off for going to another bot fight.
But he's never there.
And he never will be.
Aunt Cas keeps telling me to go to school and do something with my mind.
"It's what he would want" She tells me.
My thought response to that is 'It doesn't matter what he would want because he isn't here!'
But she would just tell me that he's "Still alive in my heart" and I'm sick of hearing that.
I haven't been eating, or sleeping, or moving. I haven't left my room since that day.
The day that changed everything.
One day I find that my body feels weaker than usual.
I try to put my hand against my aching head, but I can't seem to lift it.
Aunt Cas is calling of me to come down for breakfast, but her voice seems softer than normal.
Is she yelling quieter, or is my hearing growing fainter?
"Hiro? Come down for breakfast!"
I open my mouth to call back but my voice doesn't activate.
"Hiro!? Are you okay?" She calls again, now walking up the stairs.
The plain image of the ceiling goes fuzzy and begins to grow dark as she enters the room.
When I wake again, the ceiling is a blank white and the bed feels softer than usual.
"Where am I?" I ask blankly.
"Ah, you're awake." A man to my left says happily.
"Where am I?" I ask again.
"The hospital, when your aunt found you, you were half starving, sleep deprived, and incredibly weak. What happened to you?" He asks, looking at me suspiciously.
I hate this doctor, I want him to leave me alone. It's none of his business how I got like this. Why does he care?
I just close my eyes and decide not to answer his question. Burying my face in the pillow so he doesn't see me cry.
"Hiro! Are you alright?" I am awaked again by Aunt Cas coming in and looking me over. Trying to make sure I'm alright.
"I'm fine. Just take me home." I reply gruffly, not even considering how I make her feel. I start to feel slightly bad on the ride home, but that is the one good thing about depression I guess. It kind of eliminates true emotions from your life except the pain. (Yes I know how this feels. I have experienced depression and it is NOT fun)
She just stares ahead the whole ride home. Not talking to me even though her face is full of worry.
"You need to eat, and sleep. You need to take care of yourself." She says out of nowhere. "When I found you yesterday I was terrified. I thought you were dying and... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to you too... especially when I could have prevented it."
I see a tear fall from her cheek. And guilt starts to settle in.
We don't talk for the rest of the car ride.
"I'm going to start dinner. I'll come up and get you in about an hour." She says as we enter the cafe.
I just nod, afraid if I open my mouth I'll start crying. I run up the stairs and fall onto my bed. Forgetting about everything around me and letting myself fall apart.
Why did it have to be him of all people? Of everyone who could have died in that fire, it had to be him.
It had to be my world that came crashing down.
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