Numb, Suffering, and Stain
Match Fourteen: Numb, Suffering, and Stain:
What is the worst feeling in the world? For me, it's not being able to feel anything at all. I had a period of feeling nothing during sex. It started the night Szu was raped. Yao dropped by at random. I had just finished washing the dishes when the doorbell rang. Wha? Who's at my door at this time of night? I tilted my head and walked over to the door.
"Who is it?" I asked, peeking out the peep hole.
"It's only me," someone replied. My heart flipped at the sound. I rushed to open the door.
"Yao?" I asked. "What are you doing here?"
"Hey," he said. I noticed that he was carrying a big bag by his side. When I noticed what looked like a riding crop sticking out, I raised an eyebrow.
"This is a lovely surprise."
"Are you alone?"
My lips curved into a smile as I giggled. "May I ask why?" He grabbed me by the waist and kissed me on the lips. He's rather frisky tonight. Yao pinned me up against the wall.
"Whew!" I said in between kisses. "What brings you by like this?" Yao looked me in the eye without hesitation.
"We're on a date tonight," he said. My eyes widened as I gulped.
"Wait, now?" I asked. I felt so small in his gaze. He took me at the chin.
"I have something I want to show you tonight," Yao said. I felt that I had to comply. He had this strange power to be so persuasive when he wanted to be. I gulped and lowered my eyes.
"Ah, don't be like that," Yao said. "I'll be really nice." Something about that sentence made my stomach turn.
Yao playfully tackled me back onto my bed. I sat up as he climbed off.
"I am going to get my kit," he told me. "Lay right there and don't move." Yao blew a kiss and left my room. I tried to understand what brought about this impromptu "date." He wasn't the time to use sex to get what he wanted. Yao looked like he was in a good mood at the front door. I wonder what happened to him today. My eyes trailed upwards to my ceiling. I had many more questions to ask. That bag he brought with him looked so big. I looked when I heard my bedroom door close. Yao stood with his bag in his hand.
"Good," he said. "You stay right where I left you." He set down his bag and moved his hand as if to reach into the bag. "Take your clothes off." I reached for my sweater and slid it off.
"No," he said, shaking his head. "Slower. Turn me on tonight." His hungry tone made chills go down my spine. I slowly rolled my plum sweater over my head. Yao smiled as I threw it to floor. We been sleeping together for two years and I still blush around him like I am doing right now.
"Go on," Yao said. I gulped and unzipped my black jeans. This exposed feeling jumped to high levels tonight. Yao picked up his bag and walked over to my bed.
"You really want to know what's in my bag, don't you?" he whispered in my ear. I pressed my lips together, nodding. Yao pulled back and unbuttoned his shirt.
"You'll find out," he said. Yao threw his shirt to the side. "You're still dressed."
"Huh?" I asked. He looked down at my jeans, bra, and panties.
"Oh," I said.
"You need to get on that."
"Right…" Almost unconsciously, I rolled down my jeans. To my surprise, I didn't feel like a little part of me was dying as he leaned forward and kissed me. I fell back as he began unhooking my bra. I could tell how excited he was against my thigh. Yao sat up with my bra in his hand.
"I think I will show you a little bit of what's in the bag," he said. Yao threw my brain to the floor and reached into his bag. My eyes widened as he pulled out a pair of black and gold handcuffs.
"Don't tell me you're going to…" I said with burning red cheeks. Yao chuckled as he moved my wrists to my metal headboard.
"Oh come on," he said. "This could be fun." He cuffed my wrists before I could argue.
"You could've at least used rope."
"Yeah, but this looks more entertaining." Somehow, that just didn't sound right. Yao tugged on my arms back and forth.
"There, there," he said. "Nice and secure." His hands moved down to my hips and yanked down my panties. "We probably should tie down your ankles too."
"What? You can't be serious." I squirmed as he pushed my thighs far apart. Yao had a serious expression on his face as he reached into the bag. With the rope in his hand, my ankles were tied down to the corners of my bed. He sat up, admiring his handiwork.
"Perfect," Yao said with a smirk. I lifted my head, raising an eyebrow.
"You're still dressed," I said.
"Patience," my boyfriend said. He took off his pants, making me blush. I swallowed back my drool as his boxers followed behind. My heart pounded as I tried to figure out what he was going to do next.
"Oh yeah!" he said, smacking his fist to his palm. "How could I forget?" Yao reached into his bag again and pulled out a black blindfold.
"Wait," I said. "Are you really going to-?" Yao wrapped the blindfold around my eyes and tied it into a tight knot.
"Now, it's perfect," he said. "We are going to play a little game." I opened my mouth.
"Don't ask questions, just listen," he spoke. "I am going to brush different things up against your skin while I pleasure you. No talking, you just lie there and enjoy yourself. Do you understand? Nod if you do." I nodded just as he said.
"Very good," Yao said. I had to admit, the feather felt good brushing against my stomach in a way that made me gasp. It took a little getting used to for the leather tip of the riding crop. At one point, I thought Yao was going to shove it into my pussy. (I have to admit, I almost wished that he would've done that. I probably would've had more orgasms from it.) Instead, he shoved himself inside of me and got right to pounding. I was so lost with the pleasure that I couldn't hear my cell phone ringing in my purse. I didn't think such pleasure Yao gave me could exist. I practically screamed loud enough to lose my voice.
Ironically when Yao freed me with the bindings, I came to a realization that frightened me. Oh no, I… I… I can't feel anything.
For months, I couldn't feel much of anything when Yao and I slept together. Many times a night, I tried to run the reasons of why this was happening in my head. Boredom wasn't the problem in this case. I still loved Yao and wanted to sleep with him. I didn't know why and I couldn't bring myself to tell him. Up until now, I would act like everything was normal. Everything else was going well for me. I breezed through school, the clan was doing great, and my relationship with Yao grew. Other than Szu's rape and my uncle potentially trying to scam the clan out of its money, I believed that everything was fine.
Yao and I still go on stable enough. He treated like a princess when we weren't working. Our dates and his shower of affection made the blows to my soul softer and warmer. That would all change when Yao wanted to sleep with me. Sometimes, I would put it off with different excuses. The best one I could come up with was school-related. Sometimes, I would say that I was chasing down another lead about the money and my uncle. Other times, and I feel bad for saying this, I would use Szu to get out of sleeping with Yao. I didn't think I sounded so convincing, but he never asked questions. Part of me wanted to scream at him to get suspicious and ask more questions.
"I understand," Yao would say with a sad smile. "You have school and the clan to deal with." It hurt to hear him say that. Still, I couldn't tell him the real reason. How would he handle my loss of sexuality and the war within myself?
Other times, I had no choice but to suck it up and let me take me. I ended up lying there and taking it. He got off from the sex, but I felt nothing. The fact that Yao was too wrapped up in his own pleasure to notice my misery hurt me worse than any blow that my body could've dealt with. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't bring myself to fake it either. He probably could if I was faking it too. That could lead to him asking questions and I didn't have a ready-made answer. Plus, the news of Szu's rape made things much worse. I still couldn't get over the thought that she or Qian could've been calling me for help. (I still feel bad for not being there when they needed me most.)
After Yao would fall asleep, I would sneak into my bathroom and silently masturbate in a hopeless attempt to feeling something. I jerked myself until my wrist and fingers felt sore. Despite nothing happening and not feeling anything, I still pushed myself in hopes that I would return some feeling to my pussy. It ended up becoming a habit for close to three months. I didn't sink into me that this method wasn't working. I lay on the bathroom floor once I came to that realization. What do I do now? Even with my secret research, I was running out of ideas. One night, I whipped myself with a dish rag in the kitchen. Please don't be dead! Please don't be dead!
"What's going on here?" I heard someone ask. I lifted my head to see Yao staring at me in the kitchen doorway.
"Ju, what are you doing?" he asked. I struggled to answer with the dishrag in my hand. I dropped it, breaking down sobbing. Yao ran over and held me in his arms.
"Shhh," he whispered. "It's okay. It's okay." I desperately wanted to believe him, I really did. How could everything be okay if he was the sole reason of why I was killing my soul in the first place?
Things have gotten a little bit better. I still can't really feel anything during sex. I doubt it's a physical thing. Maybe it's a subconscious thing? I have too much on my mind with this wedding to think about.
I sat up on my bed when I noticed that stain on my wall against. It was then I remembered what it was and how it got there. Right after Stefan left my house, Yao and I got into a huge fight. He thought that I was cheating on him. I struggled to convince him other way. I don't exactly remember the details. Somehow, Yao went into my kitchen to make me some tea. When he gave me the cup, I got so mad that I threw it at the wall. The tea made this strange stain that looked rather phallic. (Heh, rather ironic given my situation.) I sighed and shook my head.
I probably should clean that off. I slid off my bed and walked into my bathroom.