Sexuality, Martyr, and Madness
Match Twenty-One: Sexuality, Martyr, and Madness:
I lay in my bed, frowning. The second coming could be happening right now and Yao would sleep right through it. Heh, lucky bastard. Me on the other hand? I couldn't sleep this morning on our day off. I still have that issue… down there. Keeping it a secret just seemed pretty stupid at this point. The only thing I have to justify for that is that I was too busy with this clan's financial troubles and the whole Szu rape mess. I probably should've dealt with my personal problems before it came to this point. Looks like I'll have to do it today. I climbed out of my bed and got dressed. Yao will probably be sleeping when I get back.
I knocked on the Chang family door. Part of me wished that Bik would be home alone this morning. (I am no good with talking about girly issues with Hen-to, Biao, and Chih listening in.) I didn't know why I was in a rush this morning. This wasn't a big issue, right? I mean, it is possible to lose sexuality, isn't it? Bik will understand me. After all, she's pretty much a mother to me. She could help me out. I backed up with the front door opened.
"Ju?" she asked. "What are you doing up so early? I thought you had the day off today."
"Are you alone today?" I asked, whispering. The expression on her face changed to a rather curious one.
"Is something the matter?" she asked. I pressed my fingers together.
"It's a delicate matter."
"Come inside." Bik led me into her house. I sat down at the kitchen table as she fixed me black tea.
"Here," she said. I waved her off as I shook my head.
"You sure?" Bik asked, eyebrow raised.
"I just came here to ask a really personal question."
"Okay." She sat down across from me. "What's the problem?"
I pressed my lips together. "Is it possible to become sexually numb for a period of time?"
It stung to tell the story for the first time. "Yao came over on the night that Szu was raped and we…"
"So what happened?"
"He blindfolded me and tied me down. Then we did it after some teasing." I didn't spare her the details. Bik was a nurse with a wide range of medial training. Lying would not help me. She would probably find out the truth anyway. I drew in a deep breath.
"Take your time if you need to dear," Bik said as she rested her hand on mine. For some reason, her touch gave me a little comfort to keep talking.
"Thank you," I said. "After all of that sex, I just couldn't feel anything."
"What happened?" Bik asked.
I shook my head. "I don't know. I've been numb down there like this since November. A little feeling came back, but I can't enjoy sex like I used to." I ran my finger around in circles on the wooden table. "It doesn't even feel good when I stick my fingers inside."
"And you don't know why this is happening?"
"Have you had any vaginal injuries prior to the night that you and Yao had sex?"
"Not that I can remember."
"Are you regular with your periods?"
"Think it's psychological?"
"That's what I'm starting to believe." I looked her in the eye. "I'm just wondering if this sort of thing is normal."
Bik shoved the cup of tea in my direction. "It happens, but it can be fixed."
"It can?" That should've been good news, but my tone made my words come out dry. Did I really want my sexuality back? Bik rose to her feet.
"Finish your tea and just for safe measure, I will take you by my clinic to have you examined to rule out anything physical," she said. Part of me knew that it would come to this, but I had to know how to fix my predicament. I nodded and picked up the cup.
"Alright," I said. I took a sip of the tea and winced. I probably should have told her I don't like it bitter.
Along with my loss of sexuality, I have this reoccurring dream after numb sex. I am a bright blue butterfly flying in the darkness. Only, I don't really seem to be flying as so much drifting through the air. There is no destination in mind. I just float along in the darkness.
Suddenly, thin thread attaches itself to my left wing. This doesn't really bother me because I can still float around freely. Another thread attaches itself to my right wing. This doesn't slow me down until more threads latch onto me. By this time, I struggle to keep my balance as I am getting stuck. The bright blue in my wings begin to dull as the threads cover them. It doesn't take me long to try and struggle free of these sticky threads. When I finally manage to do so, it proves to be my undoing. My wings end up being pulled off and I drift further into the darkness until what's left of my body falls on the ground.
I don't understand why I keep having this dream. Could it be because of my relationship with Yao? Maybe I would have my answer tonight.
Tonight, I was on top of Yao in my bed. He looked like he wanted to eat me up. This night, I couldn't take this game of pretend anymore. I couldn't say exactly why this happened next.
"Yao," I said as I started to ride him.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Could you hit me?"
He gave me an odd look. "What?"
"Please, slap me."
My heart sank in my chest. "Do you love me?"
"Of course I do," Yao said.
I pressed my lips together. "Then hit me hard as you can. Please! Prove that you love me!"
"I'm sorry, but I can't," Yao said. His words felt worse than any stab in my chest. I leapt off of him and ran out of the room.
"Ju!" he yelled as I raced out of my house. That time in that run to my garden vanished in a blur. Before I knew it, I was lying on my back, fingering myself. Yao grabbed me by the shoulders and slapped me in the face. The force enlightened a chilling thrill in my body.
"Yes! Hit me again!" I shouted. I lost track of how many times he hit me before entering me again. It felt like drowning with each pound. I wasn't should what I felt between my legs, but I could've sworn that the tree we were under sprouted pale arms with spots of blood at Yao's climax. I slept the smile of Ophelia on my face.