Pillow Talk, Worry, and Time
Match Sixteen: Pillow Talk, Worry, and Time:
I lifted my head from Yao's chest.
"We can't keep doing this," I told him. He gave me a puzzled look at my statement.
"Why is that?" he asked. I frowned at him as he held me.
"It's unprofessional!" I complained, "We shouldn't be doing this. It was the mistake the first time."
"Are you saying that that night was a mistake?" he asked.
"No!" I said, shaking my head, "I don't mean it like that. I mean, it was good, but it wasn't supposed to happen." He kissed me on the forehead.
"What are you so worried about?" Yao asked. I stared at him rather silent. My lower lip trembled. I didn't know how to form those thoughts into words that didn't sound ridiculous. I knew that I couldn't dodge this bullet if I tried. I just didn't expect it to come for me so soon. I lowered my head.
"I don't want to lose myself," I muttered as if I was alone.
"What?" I heard him ask. I looked him back in the eyes. I rested my head on his chest.
"It's nothing," I brushed off, "Nothing, nothing. Just mumbling to myself."
"No," he told me, "I want to know why you would believe that a relationship with me like this would make you lost yourself." Part of me wished that I hadn't voiced my thoughts now. I could just change the subject and drop it from there if I wanted.
"I can't really explained it myself," I spoke up, "I just feel that I will lose something that I can never get back if we keep on like this." I paused to look Yao in the face. The confused look on his face didn't change. I felt my stomach turn.
Come on! Say something, anything! Your stares are killing me!
I felt compelled to say something else when Yao asked me a question that threw me off kilter.
"What are you so afraid of?" he asked.
"Huh?" I asked.
"You sound like a relationship with me like this terrifies you," my partner reasoned, "I am your first?" I pressed my lips together.
"Well… yes… and no," I admitted. Yao raised an eyebrow at me.
"Yes and no?" he asked. I pushed my hair behind my ears.
"Yes, as in the first guy I've slept with," I answered.
"And the no?" he asked.
"You weren't the first boy I loved," I told him. I rested my head back on his chest.
"I wasn't?" Yao asked. I shook my head.
"What was his name?" Yao asked.
"It doesn't anymore," I said, "He doesn't matter anymore."
"What do you mean?" my partner asked, "Please tell me more about him. What he was like? Where did you mean him?"
"It's just a long, boring story," I said, "You wouldn't really be interested in my ex."
"It's too late," Yao insisted, "You have my attention now. You might as well tell me." I glanced up at him and his persistence.
"You really sure about this?" I asked.
"Yes!" he said aloud. I shut my eyes for a brief second. Damn, he's loud.
"Okay," I said, "Do you want the long version or the short version?" He chuckled at my question.
"Either one you want," he said. I breathed in and sighed.
"Okay," I began, "He was a foreigner boy and we were fourteen when I met him at school."
"Was he a transfer student?" Yao asked.
"Uh-hm," I said, nodding, "He was a lovely boy from Belgium. He made my summer lively and exposed me to newer experiences that my father practically closed me off from. I may have come from rich family, but that boy made me feel like a princess."
"You really loved him, did you?" my partner asked. I moved in closer to his body.
"Yes, you can say that," I answered, "I really did love him."
"What happened?" Yao asked. I felt the glow in my face die away.
"My father found out about our relationship and made me break up with him," I said with a sigh.
"But why?" he asked. I frowned as I remembered how that argument turned out in my father's office.
"He wanted the bloodline to stay purely Chinese," I answered with a bitter taste in my voice, "He wouldn't allow his daughter to marry a foreigner." I glanced up to see Yao looking down at me with a disappointed look in his eye. I gave myself a little smile.
"Don't feel bad," I said in a low voice, "That boy's time in this country had expired. He had to go to Belgium after the school year was over. We left contact afterwards and life went on."
"I have one more question," Yao said.
"What?" I asked.
"How far did you go with him?" he asked, "If you didn't sleep with him, then…" I smacked that dirty old man in side under the sheets.
"Ow," he said softly. I gave him a goofy little smile.
"Pervert!" I said, sticking out my tongue at him.
"What?" he asked, "I just wanted to know."
"Heh," I said as I settled back in place on his body again. I paused when happened to look over at the clock.
"Oh crap!" I gasped.
"What's the matter?" Yao asked.
"It's already seven o'clock," I said.
"Huh?" Yao asked as he lifted his head to look at my clock. "Oh, so it is," he said, "What have we been doing all of this time?"
"Lying here and having sex," I pointed out.
"Have we really?" he asked.
"Yes," I said. I glanced up to see him glancing down at me.
"So, what to do now?" he asked. I shrugged my shoulders.
"No idea," I said, "Did you have any plans after coming to see me?" Yao shook his head after he pondered that question.
"Not really," he said, "You?"
"Nope," I said.
"Well, we could just stay here like this until morning if you want," my partner offered. I lifted my head and stared at him.
"We can do that?" I asked.
"Do you want to?" he asked. I rested my head back on his chest and shrugged my shoulders.
"Might as well," I told him. Yao ran his fingers through my hair. I accepted his touch without another thought. This felt nice for now, but I can't help but feel that it's too late to turn back on my personal path of ruin.