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Once More, With Squealing

By psychadelicatessen

Humor

Spike By Name, But No Longer By Nature

Buffy Anne Summers writhed around, tossing and turning in her bed, in the throes of an intense dream. Suddenly, she heard a ringing and awoke, covered in sweat, to find her hands wrapped around a big red clock. As it continued ringing, she looked around and saw that Willow and Tara had yet to rise, although their bed springs were making enough noise to be heard over the alarm. Dawn, on the other hand, was up and awake, jauntily walking to the bathroom, rhythm in her steps. It was then that Buffy realized there was music playing; it wasn't a tune she recognized, but that didn't matter now, as she lay there in bed, trying to remember her dream.


Buffy sat in The Magic Box, sketching on a pad, but her mind was elsewhere, thinking impure thoughts, lost in fantasies. Recently her days had been filled with emptiness, but today had been different. It was filled with music, not to mention an aching longing, and for once she had something, and someone, to sing about. She looked down at the sketchpad and realized what she was drawing; it was Spike, well, a part of Spike.

It wasn't just her; glancing up she saw Xander and Anya, exchanging furtive glances, as they looked at Tomorrow's Bride magazine, and Willow and Tara lost in each other's eyes rather than in the magic books they'd set out to study.

She suddenly noticed Giles was standing in front of her, smiling, a giant chopper in his hand, and that triggered yet more impure thoughts. She smiled back at Giles; he clearly wanted her to get on with her training, so she decided to make him happy, though not as happy as she'd like to make Spike. Still, Giles seemed unaffected by the lust in the air, he just wanted her to strip down to her gym clothes and watch her get hot and sweaty. Getting up, she pulled off her hooded gray top and followed her Watcher into the training room. She figured that once she'd worked up a sweat here she could go and find Spike and work up another one.


It was night and Buffy was in a graveyard, going through the motions. She'd rather be with Spike, but their latest contortions hadn't gone at all well. As her mind drifted back to earlier in the evening, and she listened to the music that had been accompanying her all day, she now felt compelled to sing her thoughts aloud:

Just a single sight of Spike's love truncheon

Has me dropping to my knees

But this time there wasn't much to munch on

His thing wouldn't rise

His thing wouldn't please

We gave it more goes, and came to blows

Just hoping that it rose

At that point, a vampire decided to attack, attempting to interrupt her song, but without even blinking she started a counter-attack, fending him off while continuing into the chorus:

And I've been going through the lotions

Playing with the head

Nothing seemed to raise it from the dead

As she finished the chorus, she simultaneously finished off the vampire, plunging her stake into his body in a similar way that Spike hadn't been able to plunge his into her. The vampire crumbled into dust, reminding her once again of Spike's dilemma. Nonplussed by the thought, she continued her musical vigil through the graveyard, coming across a pair of vampires in colorful shirts and a dapper horned demon; they appeared to be sacrificing a guy, also with no taste in shirts, who was tied to a tree. She knew she had to stop them, maybe they were hoping to raise an omnipotent demon who would lay waste to the Earth and end all days. More importantly the guy was hot. Still despite her lustful thoughts turning toward him, it seemed her song still belonged to Spike, as she launched her attack on the denizens of the night.

It was always fine

And upstanding

Now I found it quivering

Can the fault be mine?

I scare his man thing?

Leave it shivering

Her fist collided with one of the vampire's jaws, turning their head round. "He's sure lost that schwing," sang back the vampire, before twisting his head back into place and driving his elbow into her face, knocking her backwards onto the ground.

"Thank for joining in," she replied, as she lay there on the ground. She was being sarcastic, but this was clearly wasted on the demon and vampires, who now all started singing, while she got up and grabbed the demon's sword from the ground.

She makes vampires yearn

Made Angel turn

But according to her song

As they reached the chorus, she took advantage of their performance to stake one of the vampires, kick another where it hurt (curious as to whether he'd switch to falsetto), and stab the demon with the sword, which they all ignored (except the vampire who'd turned to dust) as they continued singing:

She's just going through the lotions

Trying to make it large

"It's not even half the size it - Aargh..." sang the demon, as he finally realized that she'd stabbed him.

While the remaining vampire dropped to his knees, finally appreciating her kick to his groin, Buffy moved on to the cute guy. She was so tempted to leave him tied to the tree and have her wicked way with him, but ashamed of this thought, of what she'd become in the last twenty-four hours, she instead cut him loose and walked up to him, wrapping her arm around him, singing as she rubbed against him.

Hey, cute guy, I really dig ya

Hey, cute guy, I wanna frig ya

That's when he broke the news to her. "Sorry but I'm gay."

"That figures," she said, disappointment in her voice, embarrassment on her face, as she pushed herself off him and continued singing:

I don't want to be

Going through the lotions

Losing self-respect

The last vampire picked himself up and ran at her, diving off a gravestone towards her while she just sang on:

How could this be, I hope that it's not me

I just wish it could be...

She rammed her stake up into the air, piercing the vampire's heart, exploding him to dust around her.

"Erecttttt," she sung out, and then she was left standing there, alone in the night, her body still craving satisfaction. She looked up at the fine phallic lines of Mr. Pointy and smiled.

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