On her walk to The Bronze, singing about Spike's spire, Buffy Summers had come to a realization. She'd been spending her post-resurrection days missing Heaven, and one angel in particular, but now, thanks to this spell, she'd become aware there was something she missed so much more, something she'd never find in Heaven. Despite their perfection, with their lack of genitalia, those angels were no Spikes (or even Angels).
She looked over at The Bronze's stage and saw the demon she'd come to slay - a voluptuous crimson-skinned demon relaxing on a comfy leather chair, with Dawn lying on the ground beside her. Buffy had been afraid that the demon might have mistreated her sister, but it looked like she'd not only put her in an exotic slavegirl outfit almost as tasteful as Buffy's own red leather ensemble, but had also given her a stylish black studded collar connected to a leash. It looked like the demon was taking real good care of Dawn, though, as usual, her sister seemed ungrateful.
Buffy walked towards the stage, sensing the demon's henchpenises gathering around her in the shadows, while keeping her eyes firmly fixed on the curvaceous demon.
The demon's eyes were also glued to Buffy. "Love your entrance," she purred, leaning forward and stroking Dawn's hair.
"How are you with death scenes?" Buffy replied.
The demon laughed. "Prefer sex scenes - that's what we're dressed for. Besides, I abhor dying, I've got people who do that for me."
"You got a name?" Buffy asked.
"It's long and hard," the demon announced. "That's the one part of me you won't be able to get your tongue around."
"Well, I oughta know what to call you if you're gonna be my sister-in-law," Buffy continued, trying to ignore the demon's innuendo, trying not to think of Spike and his fabulous flesh flute that she could play all through the night.
"Buffy, I swear I didn't do it," Dawn protested, bringing Buffy back to reality and the reason she'd come here.
"Don't worry," she told Dawn, "I'm sure she'll take good care of you. She's already improved your wardrobe."
"What?" exclaimed Dawn, being her typical selfish self, not seeing the big picture and the importance of restoring her sister's sex life.
"Deal's this:" Buffy explained to the demon, "I can't kill you, you take my sister, and restore Spike to his former phallic glory."
"I'd prefer a threesome," the demon said, as her gaze moved between the two sisters.
"That's not going to happen," said Buffy. She could understand why the demon would rather have her than Dawn, but there was no way Buffy was sharing Spike.
"No threesome?" said the disappointed demon. "You come in here dressed like a ho and you really expect me to believe that?"
"I think you already know…" Buffy said, and then continued in song:
I'm no ho though I sure know their arts
And when the foreplay starts
I open up my parts
Unlacing her red leather corset, she continued singing:
Up all night and riding on Spike's schlong
He's hung like King Kong
But now his thing's all wrong
The henchpenises readied for an attack, struggling to pick up pool cues with the arms they didn't have - they were clearly designed for love not war. Precariously balancing the cues on their heads, they leapt on her but she whacked them off, with blow after tremendous blow, as she continued her song, beating them off in time to the music:
How I'd love to grope
It would raise and lift
Made my dreams come true
That is why I'd smirk
I don't want other guys
To fit between these glistening thighs
She looked down at the defeated henchpenises, now lying flacid on the ground.
Don't give me schlongs
Don't need those dongs
It was then that Buffy realized the Scoobies had arrived, as she heard Giles's familiar voice coming from behind her.
"She needs a hand. Tara. Willow," he'd said, and the next thing she knew the two Wiccans were lying on the floor, one on either side of her, each clinging to one of her stylish leather boots, their hands wandering all over her body as she continued singing, although her dancing was now, by necessity, only from the waist up.
Give Spike something to fling about
Tara and Willow accompanied her with a synchronised orgasmic gasp of 'Aaaahhh':
He needs something to fling about
And that was followed by another gasp of 'Aaaahhh', this time from all three, as sensations like she'd never known passed through Buffy's body. However, despite this sapphic pleasure, unlike these modern-day witches, Buffy couldn't see herself abandoning her favorite broomstick just yet, so she decided that yet more singing about Spike's pleasure python was in order:
I'm no ho but I am so much worse
That seems to be my curse
My thoughts get more perverse
Think of Spike who'd leave me feeling sore
He thrilled me so before
But now he bores me more
Boy, I hope it mends
Extends and ascends
All my dreams transcends
Now just flops and bends
Well, that offends
Oh how I loved it so
Oh how I'd blow and make it grow
It stood so proud
He'd leave me wowed
Just the thought of it made Buffy go weak at the knees, just as a sweaty Tara and Willow backed away from her to cool off. Then the man himself entered The Bronze, taking it all in, stone-faced, while all she could do was point at Spike and sing about him swooningly:
Let me explain
The inches pre-sprout
When he pulled it out, were seven
Then it grew again
I needed gel
'Cause when it next swelled: eleven
I think it was eleven
Spike looked cool and aloof as the others all stared at him, though he was no doubt smugly grinning on the inside.
She turned to the demon yet again, her voice a mixture of anger and pleading:
So give him something to fling about
Please give him something…
She couldn't resist her pent-up frustration any longer, and since Spike's purple love rocket would no longer reach escape velocity, she had to improvise, grabbing a long thin pool cue from the floor, giving into temptation in exactly the opposite way she'd not done with Mr. Pointy a few nights earlier. She fell to the ground and started pleasuring herself, moving the cue rhythmically in and out, faster and faster, getting hotter and hotter, until she began to smoke. She looked up briefly and saw the horrified faces of Dawn and the Scoobies, some could hardly bear to look at her, some could hardly bear to look away.
Their faces, along with the demon's, became obscured, the stench of singed hair filled her nostrils, and then all she could see was smoke. Suddenly she felt herself being physically pulled back to her feet. Spike was there in front of her, grabbing her charred smoking pool cue and throwing it away. He pulled her corset top back up, covering the modesty she no longer had, and held her arms for a moment as the smoke wafted around them, and then he started singing, his blue eyes - the windows to the soul he used to have - looking directly into hers:
Life's not a schlong
Life is a kiss
Life is just this: It's loving
You must be strong
The things that we lack
We'll only get back through loving
You have to keep on loving
So both of us are loving
Buffy heard his words and his attempt to use the same word over and over again as a rhyme, and her mind went back to that angel William, who'd loved her so, and to the love poetry he'd written for her, so awful it was perfect. Maybe Spike still had some of that poet left in him, maybe he could provide her with a fraction of that all-evasive love she'd known in Heaven. Maybe she could even have the best of both afterllives, love and lust. For the first time since the spell had started, she found it was her eyes that were getting moist. It was at this special moment that Dawny had to go and interrupt them.
"The greatest thing in this world is to love in it," her sister said, with matter of factness, seeming to have no regret whatsoever that she'd misquoted Buffy's dying words. Still, love meant putting up with siblings, and besides, Dawn would soon be gone.
The demon looked at Spike and Buffy in front of her and knew that things were ending just like they always ended. She applauded the show, though she'd seen it many times before. "Typical, love wins out over lust once again. How can my cheap thrills compete with something so precious? And love's even deadlier." She looked over at Tara. "You need love like a hole in the head."
"Get out of here," Willow said angrily.
"Hmm, I smell power. I guess my lover and I should be on our way," the demon said, tugging on Dawn's leash.
"That's never going to happen," Giles said.
"I don't make the rules," the demon said. "She summoned me."
"I so did not!" Dawn protested. "She keeps saying that!"
"You've got my talisman on, you sweet-tasting thing," explained the demon.
Dawn looked down at the necklace, beneath her studded collar. "Oh! But - No! I just found this at the Magic Box... on the floor, and I was cleaning and I forgot to... But I didn't summon anything."
"Well now, that's a twist," said the demon, letting go of Dawn's leash.
"If it was at the shop, that means one of us had to…" began Giles, and as he trailed off, the Scoobies looked at each other.
Finally, Xander raised his hand.
"Xander?" Anya exclaimed.
"I didn't know what was gonna happen. I just heard, you know, revelries and song and... I wanted to be sure we'd work out. Get a happy ending. Sweet laughs. Big time. Maybe get to see some sexy ladies." He pronounced the last two words with a bad French accent, which only made things worse.
"And I think it worked out just fine," the sexy lady demon said with a smile, while all of the other females in the room, apparently not sexy enough for Xander, were busy glaring at him.
"Does this mean I have to... be your king?" Xander asked excitedly, his beady eyes beaming, as he spotted a sexy escape route out of his current predicament. "Maybe your gimp?" he offered, willing to bargain as he saw the way Anya was looking at him.
The demon paused briefly to consider the possibility. "It's tempting," she said, "but I think we'll waive that clause just this once. Big smiles, everyone: you beat the bad girl... And I so love being beaten." She looked upwards and then a giant grand piano crashed down from the sky onto The Bronze's stage. Smiling at her audience, she climbed on top of it and delivered her final song:
Well, at last we're done
Hope you loved my spell
And despite the fun
I can see you've been through hell
All these feelings you've been revealing
Say you're horny now - Once more with squealing
Made your motors run
But now it's farewell
She disappeared right at the last line, her closing 'farewell' ringing out from the emptiness, leaving just silence in its wake.