Freaky Friday

Attack Of The 50 Foot Lana

The living embodiment of evil that was Lana Lang sat in a Metropolis diner, looking proudly at her army of super-powered Lana clones, pretty in pink. It was their first ever meal and they were devouring it like a pack of wild animals. In fact, one of the Lanas, thanks to her kryptonite-granted super-power, was also devouring the table.

And then the Lanas started talking, and the proud gaze turned to a grimace as the black-clad Lana had to endure the inane prattle of 25 teenage Lanas. It was her own fault - for the last year she'd been continuously playing the sleeping clones a twenty minute audiotape containing all of the teenage Lana's knowledge and wisdom. Fortunately for Lana, the meals, and the tables, didn't last long and it was soon time to leave. Lana paid the bill, along with a large tip to the waitress, and suddenly twenty five pairs of eyes were staring daggers at her.

"There was no need to tip her," snarled the Lana clones in threatening unison.

Dark Lana smiled as she remembered the Lana Lang of old, back at the Talon, and her face that launched a thousand tips (and that was on a bad day). For these Lana clones to be against tipping proved one thing. They were truly evil. Of course kryptonite-generated metahumans tended to be evil in 99% of cases, but it was still reassuring to have this confirmation.

"Let's get to work," ordered Dark Lana, as she punched the waitress and re-claimed her tip.

The twenty five Lana clones strolled out of the diner and down the street in their matching pink jackets, trousers and sunglasses, with Bad Guy Lana following closely behind.

"There's no way Clark will recognize us with these sunglasses on," observed Lana.

"Yeah," giggled Lana. "But what will we call each other?"

"We need codenames," said Lana.

"Great idea," responded Lana.

"I'll be Miss Pink," said 25 Lanas simultaneously.


Clark had just gotten in, and hadn't had the time to change out of his work clothes. His super-hearing could hear Lois in the kitchen putting something in the microwave.

"Hi honey, I'm home," he shouted, as he slumped down on the sofa. And then everything went dark.

He looked at the window to see that somebody had placed some giant pink thing there blocking out the sun. The next thing he saw was a giant hand reach in and grab him, and the next moment he was outside looking up at a giant teenage Lana Lang (although the sunglasses fooled him for a moment).

The giant Lana looked down at Superman. According to Dark Lana, this guy and Clark Kent were the same person. And that person had jilted Lana all those years ago, leaving her to a life of misery and billionairedom. It was payback time.

"You don't know who I am, but I know who you are, and at last I've got you just where I want you, Superman. Right here in the palm of my hand."

And then she squeezed the Man Of Steel with all of her might.

Meanwhile, back in Lois and Clark's apartment, the giant Lana's other hand deposited Dark Lana in Lois and Clark's living room. Soon Dark Lana had found her way to the kitchen, much to Lois's surprise.

"Lana?" asked a confused Lois.

"Hello, Lois. Long time, no see."

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, Lois, apart from contaminating the nation's coffee supply with kryptonite, and setting an army of teenage super Lanas on Superman, I've come for you."

"You've got to be kidding me?" laughed Lois, looking around for a hidden camera of some kind.

Lana clenched her fists. She hated not being taken seriously. "Don't underestimate me, Lois."

"I don't think it's possible, Lana. Besides you're ... you're ... I don't believe it ..."

"Say it, Lois."

"You're not wearing any pink!" screamed Lois in horror.

"At last the penny's dropped. That's right, Lois, I've changed more than you could ever imagine. I'm no longer the sweet and innocent Lana that you used to know. That Lana died the day Clark chose Lois over Lana. My heart was broken that night, Lois, and I swore revenge. Today that revenge will come about, as I remove all the obstacles in the path of true love. Naturally, murder will be involved."

"You're going to kill me, and take Clark for yourself?"

"The exact opposite, Lois."

Lana took a struggling Lois in her arms and kissed her on the lips. It was a kiss Lois had felt before.

"Lex?"

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