Freaky Friday

It's Time For Lana: Maniac

Lana's giant fingers continued trying to crush Superman. Once upon a time this out-size Lana would have posed no threat to Superman, but he'd been fighting coffee-drinking mutants for forty-eight hours straight and was just too exhausted to fight back. Fortunately his invulnerability meant that he was only suffering severe discomfort rather than the instant death anybody else would have experienced.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, the giant Lana got bored with Superman. It was time for her sisters to have a turn, she decided, as she dropped him to the ground and stamped on him with her colossal shoe. As she lifted her shoe, leaving a bruised Superman lying in her footprint on the shattered sidewalk, the other 24 Lanas swarmed in on the Man of Steel. One of the Lanas touched the concrete sidewalk beneath him, transforming it to kryptonite. Another Lana made him as light as a feather, briefly floating him away from the now deadly pavement, before yet another Lana made him super-heavy smashing him back down to the green glowing ground. As Superman convulsed on the pavement, the kryptonite's deadly rays killing him, one of the Lana's climbed on top of him, and ripped off her sunglasses.

"That's right, Clark. It's been me, Lana Lang, all along."

As Superman drifted off into unconsciousness, and saw the teenage Lana Lang looking down at him, his mind went back to a day long ago. A day in Smallville. The last time he'd seen Lana Lang.

Lana Lang had been looking down at Clark Kent and his exposed chest lying beneath her. He'd been back from Metropolis for the weekend visiting his mother, but he'd visited her at The Talon and things had progressed from there.
Now they were in the back of a car (one of the many abandoned semi-smashed cars that populated the sides of Smallville's high-risk roads). As the two extraordinarily good-looking youngsters gazed deeply into each others eyes, in a vain hope of catching a glimpse of their own reflection, Clark's hand wandered towards Lana's bra strap.
"Stop right there," Lana said. "Before we go any further you have to make a choice."
"Huh?" asked Clark.
"Who's it going to be, farmboy? Me or Lois?"
Clark sighed. He knew that one day he'd have to decide between Lois and Lana, he just wished that it wasn't right now.
"Don't make me choose, Lana."
"Me or Lois?" repeated Lana.

"But how can I choose between you? It would be like choosing between Daisy and Buttercup."

"Leave the cows out of this, Clark. Just make a choice between me and Lois. And don't let the fact that my parents got hit by a meteor influence your decision in any way."

"Well ..." Clark started to reason out loud, "Lois is funny ... feisty ... smart ... dependable ... kind ..."

"What about me?" asked Lana, interrupting Clark's list of adjectives.

"Well, you're so..." Clark racked his brain and his vocabulary desperate to come up with an adjective he hadn't used yet, when suddenly the word just fell out of his mouth: "pink."

"I'm so ... pink?" replied Lana, and tears started to well up in her eyes.

Clark felt terrible. He hadn't meant to hurt Lana so. He should have gone with "sexy" but that just seemed too obvious.

"I'm so ... pink?" she repeated, tears flowing down her cheeks. "Clark, that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me."

Clark smiled and moved his hand once more to her bra strap.

"No, you silly," Lana giggled through her tears. "First you've got to make your choice, me or Lois?"

But, of course, Lana knew who he would choose. After all Lois was just funny, feisty, smart, dependable, and kind, whereas she was pink. What chance did Lois have?

Clark, torn between the two choices, looked blankly at Lana.

Lana waited for Clark's answer until she could wait no longer.

"Looks or intelligence?" asked an exasperated Lana, rephrasing the question. She knew Clark would have to choose looks, after all, the way Lana saw it, intelligence was just a defense mechanism for ugly people. Besides anyone could think, she'd even done it once.

Clark looked with confusion at Lana. Why had she changed the question?

Lana looked with impatience at Clark. Was he never going to answer?

"Pinky or The Brain?" Lana asked, rephrasing the question once again. She'd once overheard Pete refer to her and Lois this way. She'd naturally assumed that he called her "Pinky" because she was so loveable and Lois "The Brain" because she had big ears.

"Oh, that's easy, The Brain," a smiling Clark had replied, grateful that he'd finally been asked a simple question. He loved The Brain, especially when he said "Narf!". Wait a minute, that was Pinky, wasn't it? But, before he could correct his answer, Lana had disappeared into the night. Wow, that girl certainly took her animation seriously.

Clark drifted back into consciousness, and saw Lana still perched on his chest.

"Hit him with everything you've got, girls!" screamed Lana.

Superman's body jolted as numerous super-powers were used on him simultaneously.


Meanwhile, in a kitchen not far away, Lana Lang (or was it Lex Luthor?) was about to continue the story of that fateful night in Smallville. But first she (or was it he?) had to answer Lois's question: "Lex?"

"Yes, it's me, Lois. You didn't think that dear, sweet Lana Lang could be responsible for this madness, did you?"

"You've swapped minds with her?"

"No, of course not. Why would I want to swap minds with her? No, on the contrary, she swapped minds with me. For the beginning of the tale we must go back long ago..."

"But that means ..." Lois interrupted, as her thoughts turned to President Luthor.

"Yes, I know. Lana Lang's running the country. It truly is a terrifying thought. Still you didn't really think it was me, did you? I'm way too intelligent for that, whereas Lana's IQ's perfectly qualified. Now, can I continue with my story?"

Lois nodded, still stunned from the latest revelations, as Luthor began his melodramatic tale:

It was a dark, rainy night and lightning lit up the sky in fits and starts. As I drove recklessly down Smallville's main road, I spotted a rain-drenched figure walking by the side of the road, a figure I instantly recognized. Stopping by the figure's side, I rolled down my window.

"Lana," I said, for it was she. "Need a ride?"

Lana got into the car silently, and we set off down the dark, damp road. We had no idea of the places it would take us, but then again, how could we?

"Something the matter, Lana?" I asked, for I am, amongst many other things, exceptionally intuitive, and I instantly recognized her tears as a sign of sadness.

"Clark's chosen Lois over me."

Suddenly my heart shattered into a thousand tiny Universes of hurt, a hurt that could not be contained by silence.

"But I loved Lois," I said, lifting my hand from the steering wheel to shake my fist at whatever higher power was listening.

"Yeah, Clark was okay too, I guess. Great hair," replied Lana, hiding her aching heart.

"If only I had hair, Lois would be mine," I moaned. "Why must I look this way?"

"Hey, you should be grateful you don't look like me. At least people take you seriously, Lex. People treat me like an idiot just because of the way I look ... and because I'm an idiot."

"Yeah, but you look sweet and innocent. If I tried a nefarious scheme to get Lois Lane back, people would suspect me straight away. They'd never suspect you."

"Hey, I've got an idea," said Lana. "Hey, that's the first time I've said that," she added.

"What?" I said wearily, lost in my own personal torment.

"This!" she said, and suddenly my viewpoint changed.

"What's happened?" I screamed, and then I heard my voice calmly respond from the driver's seat next to me.

"I've swapped minds with you. It's this crazy super-power I got from wearing this green necklace. I've never tried it before - after all I can only use it once. Don't ask me how I know - I just know, okay. Wow, I'm gorgeous."

"Does that mean you can't swap us back?"

"Bingo. Wow, I'm intelligent as well. Boy, Lex, you've got everything, looks and intelligence, and I'm just a stupid bald guy. Maybe I didn't think this through."

I sat there fuming, playing with my ample breasts, until the new Lex interrupted me.

"So, Pinky, what are you going to do now that you've got The Brain?"

"The same thing I've always done - try and take over the world. What about you?"

"Maybe I should learn to drive expensive cars at high speed," my new self reflected as the car span off the road into a ditch. "Oops, too late. Narf!"

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