Freaky Friday

Glove & Human Remains

Pete Ross dangled.

And dangled.

And dangled.

And then he dangled some more.

This was one of the more exciting days in Pete's life.


President Luthor's advisors had advised him, as on every other day, to stay in The Oval Office and try not to do anything. As with every other day, he thought they were being a tad over-reactive. Just because he liked pressing buttons to find out what they do. What was the worst that could happen?

Anyway, in order to keep his advisors happy, President Luthor was sat in The Oval Office, opening a gift from STAR Labs that would hopefully help him with his gardening problem.

Slowly he slipped on the floricidal black glove.


Bruce Wayne rushed to his batpole and slid down it, emerging in the Batcave clad in his Batman outfit. Leaping into the Batmobile, and yelling in pain as he discovered Martha's earring (he was sure Alfred had left it on his seat on purpose), he sped off into the day. His destination: La La Land.


Pete Ross was still dangling, like a plot thread that the author had long ago lost interest in.


The Lana Langs were getting bored. Every time it seemed like Superman was about to croak, he'd suddenly, inexplicably, come back to life.

"I know," said the super-intelligent Lana, "Instead of using our powers all at once, let's use them one at a time. Maybe that will shed some light on the subject."

"Okay," said the first Lana, making him super-light so he floated away from the kryptonite.

"I'll go next," said the second Lana as she blasted Superman with solar rays from the equivalent of a thousand yellow suns.

At which point the re-energized Superman, his cellular damage repaired by the solar rays, flew off into the sky.

"Hmmm. I think I see where the problem lies," mused the super-intelligent Lana, as she watched Clark getting further and further away.

Fortunately, Dark Lana had prepared them for this eventuality. Donning the flight rings she'd given them, each one engraved with an L for Lana, they soared off into the sky in hot pursuit of the Man Of Tomorrow.


"No, I can't marry you, Lex. You remind me too much of Lana."

"For Pete's sake, marry me, Lois. For Pete Ross's sake, to be exact. Even now he's suspended over perilously hot coffee. Marry me or you'll never see Pete Ross again."

"Well, I never saw that much of him anyway. For the first couple of months I knew him I thought he was subliminal."

"That's weird. So did I. You see we have so much in common. Also, did I mention I was a billionaire?"

"Did I mention that I'm not marrying you?"

"Oh yes, you are."

"Oh no, I'm not."

"Oh yes, you are."

"Oh no, I'm not."

And thus the intellectual debate raged.


Meanwhile, Superman had managed to get as far as Washington (just over The White House to be exact) when the Lana Langs caught up with him. He struggled in vain as the 25 Lanas clung onto him, and unleashed all of their powers (except for the solar-related ones) against him.


Batman was in the main building of La La Land looking for clues. On Lana Lang's desk he spotted a sheet of paper containing Luthor's itinerary:

1. ATTACK OF THE CLONES

2. MARRY LOIS

3. KILL PETE ANYWAY (WOW, I'M EVIL)

4. TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD

After much searching, and free coffee, Batman came across the dangling Pete.

"Schwing!" went his batarang as it cut the rope suspending Pete. Fortunately for Pete, just before he hit the lethal coffee, Batman swung in to save him.

"Hey, I'm glad you showed up. Strangely enough I was just thinking about you. Then again that's been happening a lot lately. Those thoughts about kryptonite-spiked coffee and Lana clones turned out to be true. For a minute I thought everything I suggested came true, but when I tested it by trying to get Lana to have her wicked way with me it didn't work at all. So much for that theory. It's a good job you came. I was starting to have all sorts of weird thoughts."

"Weird thoughts?"

"Yeah. What if Lana turned out to be Lex? That sort of thing. And the thoughts I was having about Clark's Mom you wouldn't believe. I bet you can't imagine a pole dancing Martha."

But Batman could imagine it all too well. Although he wished she hadn't chosen a batpole for her demonstration. So did she, when she finally came back to consciousness wearing that Robin outfit.

At last the pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place for Batman. All the ridiculous events at last made sense. As unbelievable and lame as it sounded, Pete Ross's years in Smallville had left him with the power to subconsciously, and only subconsciously, twist reality to fit his ideas. The world revolved around Pete Ross and he'd never know it.

The Dark Knight immediately knew that just as Pete had started all of this nonsense, he must also finish it.

"Hey, Pete. What do you reckon's the most outlandish way for Superman to defeat those Lana clones?"

"I don't know. Maybe they're defective clones and will just explode.


High above Washington, 25 defective Lana Lang clones exploded without warning, covering Clark and his tattered and torn Superman costume in blood.

Far beneath them, President Luthor left the Oval Office and stepped into the White House garden. There wasn't any pink in the garden, just sunflowers as far as the eye could see. But that didn't matter, for Luthor had ordered some pink carnations that would be arriving on Monday

In the meantime, there were the sunflowers to attend to. Luthor touched a sunflower with the floricidal glove from STAR Labs and the sunflower wilted and died, followed by all the neighboring sunflowers.

Now if only something could be done about the white suit he was wearing.

"I wish it was pink," Lana thought.

And then Luthor looked up and saw the red rain of Lana clone blood pouring down, hitting the suit, slowly staining it the most luscious shade of pink.

"Wow, I bet no-one saw that coming," thought Lana.

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