Her current job was the main reason she has to leave Daegu. A cheap apartment in Seoul was the best deal she can get, since it was just a walking distance near her workplace. No high monthly rental fee and no money and time to spare in commuting. She’s indeed a genius. Eventhough she spends most of her nights fanning herself with a piece of cardboard due to the intense warmth the room offers her, she didn’t mind it at all. What matters is she was able to save more money to send to her family on Sundays just like today.
She woke up early and was one of the first few who entered the bank. A duo of teenagers and a lady with a child was followed by a man who seemed to be in his 60’s. She thought he would be just as fast as the others, but later on she found out she still has to wait because he was about to deposit a large amount of money. After looking behind her, she sat on one of the seats provided for the clients.
The title of the magazine on the table reads. A single glance at the cover and she quickly look away. She looked up again to the counter where the large built man stood with his head bowed to the young bank teller. From the girl’s whimpered giggle he seemed to be flirting with her. She wondered if the man doesn’t realize that he’s too old for that crap. She tried not to frown at the sight and instead she ended picking up the magazine for distraction. She flipped the pages a little too fast as none of the articles really catches her interest and somehow, even though she doesn’t want to admit it, she’s looking for one particular article that was written in bold letters on the front cover. Her hand stopped when on one of the page, a picture of a certain grey haired guy finally appeared.
Among the seven guys in the picture he stood out. He’s smiling. But she wondered why his eyes look sad. She’s just hallucinating. Yes. She quickly told herself. It seems like her work really took a lot of toll on her these days.
“Thank you ma’am”
Finally she was done with what she came here for. The girl’s makeup crinkled at the corner of her eyes as she smiled at her and bowed. She returns the gesture and bowed back, but her lips remained into a firm, straight line. As she finally leaves the counter, she even saw the man earlier still inside and reading some newspaper on the seats provided for the VIP’s of the bank.
When she finally walked out, she was forced once again to inhale the polluted air of Seoul. The weather was neither hot nor cold today, but it’s a bit windy. Taking out a bobby pin from her hair, she redoes her ponytail and put the pin again so that her bangs would stay in place. Maybe she should not have one again on her next visit at the salon. It’s just a hassle for her to fix it. She nodded to herself. She’ll do it next time, just not now.
She already had listed in mind what she has to do for the entire day. First, is to call her brother. He has been whining since yesterday for her to send him some money for the said “project” he has to buy for school. Second, is to grab some groceries on her way back to her apartment because earlier, she saw the small amount of stocks she has left on her fridge. Third, is to fill her empty stomach with some instant ramen since he hasn’t eaten anything since last night. Last, is to sleep and hopefully wake up when her alarm rings the next day. Of course it’s not possible.
She was either too obsessed with work or she was way too lethargic to even get out of bed. These days she has become more and more like that one person she used to know, getting grumpier too, as the days passed by.
When someone bumped into her shoulder, she was already about to yell, but even before she can react, the girl was already on the other side of the street. She hated being outside. ‘It’s a nice day to go outside’. That saying will never really apply to her. Not a day in her life where she would go outside of her room on her own will, no matter how beautiful the weather is.
Things just changed as she has a job now that requires her to leave the comfort of her apartment. She has to spend her day outside with strangers on the street and with her coworkers that were too nice to her liking.
Back then it was different. Those days when she would be contented being under that white sheet no matter how humid the room is. Locked out from the outside world and just cuddled with that one person she cared about the most. Her head rested on his arm as he would kiss the top of her head every now and then. The way his pale hands would glide slowly across her bare arm and his low, husky voice that whisper words only he would say when the two of them were alone.
She used to love being that close to someone back then that she somehow misses that feeling. She had told herself a lot of times that it’s all in the past and only memories will remind her of it. But now as her gaze finally settled on the direction she was looking at, she finds out that she can never be too sure.
On the other side of the street where the girl who bumped into her ran, a huge crowd was formed. She noticed three unusual colored hairs peeking out and even though it was only the faces of the two that she can see properly, the one in the middle was who she can’t take her eyes off.
“Namjoon oppa you’re my bias!”
“Jin oppa you look really handsome!”
“Yoongi oppa I love you!”
“Yes…I love you too”
His words send the screaming fan girls to get even wilder. Jin tapped his back and whispered that he should just keep quiet. The staffs that were with them were all busy trying to shoo the girls away and prevent them to come closer to three of them. Although it is to no avail as the fans continue surrounding them, almost leaving no space for them to move. Yoongi can’t breathe.
“Just stop following us”
He tried, but his patience has reached its limit. These girls were following them ever since they stepped out of their van. They went to a store, but wasn’t able to buy everything they planned to because they were being mobbed by them. Namjoon patted his back and Jin signaled to them that they should go ahead. Yoongi cast a serious glance at the fan girls the exact time a fan literally shoved a piece of paper in front of his face, asking him to sign it. Namjoon was pushing him to move forward, but he stayed looking at the paper in distaste. Again, he was about to say the words their leader warned him to be careful of saying when from the other side of the street he saw her.
“What was your dream?”
“I want everyone to listen to my music. What about you?”
“To be with you while you’re achieving your dream”
She likes him because he is ambitious. He won’t settle for second best and would always work hard to achieve what he wanted. He accepts defeat, but not the point of not doing something about it. He has to make it no matter how many failures, he has to face. She admires him a lot because of that.
He told her that he likes her because he just does. That he likes her because that’s what he felt ever since he met her. Simple as that, but she’s contented. Back then, she just likes the feeling of being the only person in his life.
With the wind blowing her hair and her heart being shaken once again, she met his eyes from the tiny space those fan girls have allowed her to peek.
With an arm pulling him away and his cold heart melting just at the sight of the painfully familiar girl from across the street, Yoongi absent mindedly took the damn piece of paper he was about to get mad at earlier.
Jin whispered in his ear.“What are you doing? Let’s just go”
His mouth opened to answer him until all of a sudden his attention was caught by a fan who was about to turn around to her direction. So without thinking he blurted out.
“You should all go home and rest after this. We are all people who need rest.”
The words he muttered were out of fear of him being caught looking at her. Even their staffs looked at him, at his straightforwardness.
“Don’t you have any plans of having a relationship? Now that you’re one of the few idols who were allowed to and even have the chance to have a phone?”
“We’re too busy to be in a relationship. And right now I don’t want to ruin our success by getting into something more complicated”
She should’ve not read that article. She has skipped most of his part in the interview corner and read the interview of the other members instead. But it’s still unavoidable as his name always came up even with the other member answers.
“Yoongi hyung said he never had a girlfriend before”
He erased her in his life. Her heart that she thought was already numb was once again affected by his words.
“Is it true Yoongi?”
He’s like that when he’s lying. He will try in every way to make his words short. But still it’s just her who knows that side of him. Reading what the other members said about it, agreeing to what he said was the proof of that. They still don’t really know him even now or maybe, just not as much as she did.
She can’t see him now. Fans were crowding more in his place as he seemed to be doing some fan signing. He remembered when he’s not used to a lot of attention from other people. But he seems okay now. She decided to go on her way and leave where she shouldn’t be anymore.
She walked until she reached the pedestrian crossing, but still has to wait for the light to turn red. Just like how she has waited for her feelings for him to subside, it seemed like forever. Time passed and from the corner of her eyes, she can see him and the other guys walking in the direction of the crossing. Distant screaming noises of their fans and cars honking might not be able to hide her loud beating heart at the moment. But she doubts that he will hear it.
“Yoongi hyung are you okay?”
He felt a hand placed on his shoulder. He tore his gaze away from her only to look at his two band mates. They look confused and worried at the same time. He just nodded at them and shrugs.
“Min Yoongi I love you!”
Yoongi looked over to where their fans are and saw the struggle their staffs had to face just to keep them in their place. No matter how much he was thankful to them, he still can’t get used to the fame they were experiencing. He still finds himself to be unworthy of the attention they’re giving them, him. He sometimes wondered why they really like their group or him in particular.
When they finally stopped at the pedestrian crossing he instantly look ahead. He can see cars moving faster when it was supposed to be the other way around. They should slow down, but they were all trying not to get caught and be trapped by the red light that was about to light up soon. Then he saw her looking at their direction. But her eyes were distant. He tried to meet her eyes just like earlier, but he failed this time.
“Let’s just break up”
He doesn’t know if he has told her but he likes her because she’s honest, while always being extra careful in everything she says. Not until that day. How can he forget that Christmas, when he said on their radio show that he won’t forgive ARMY’s if they go out on a date with their boyfriends instead of listening to them? The same time he wished he should have met her and begged for her to come back to him.
“Yoongi why are you still standing there let’s go!”
Jin shouted over at him. The two guys have already walked ahead; both hands were full with plastic bags. The never ending fans shouting earlier lessened this time. His feet finally moved, but stopped the moment he saw her doing the same. Her long hair tied in a ponytail was still getting messy due to the strong wind. Her bare face that he has always admired was still pretty despite her stoic expression. She, who was now walking towards him as his two band mates moved to the side as they passed by her. Time stood still for him, but she kept on moving forward.
“You said you wanted to stay with me as I’m achieving my dream.”
When she shook her head that day he doesn’t know what it meant. Is it because her dream has changed? Is it because she really just doesn’t like him anymore? Looking at the girl in front of her he wondered if she’s really moved on. He was still denying that to himself even now.
“Ah really. Yoongi hyung!”
Namjoon was the one who shouted this time. The two guys were now both gawking at him from the other side of the street. But still his body failed to follow his brains order. As she was getting closer and closer, it seemed like he even forget to breathe. He stood and watched her as she took a few more steps, then she looked down at her feet. It was all like slow motion until she changed her direction and moves to his side only to walk passed him.
If only he was braver he would have held her hand right then. Rejection. He can take it. Even if she doesn’t want him anymore, he still has to make sure. What he feared was having her fans to witness it. He doesn’t want to ruin her life on something stupid like him wanting her back.
“Are you and Yoongi really just friends?”
They both agreed to not let anyone know about their relationship. Even their few close friends were not an exception to that secret. Back then it was because she was not allowed to date anyone. Her father would give him looks that was far from friendly everytime he visit her in their house. Her mother, who she thought was fond of Yoongi would force them to stay in the living room every time, that they don’t have the chance to talk comfortably. Her younger brother was her partner in crime, joining them whenever they ask permission to hang out, only to leave them after she gives him money and told him to do whatever he wants with it. Which she knows of course he would spend on video games.
Few years later passed and they survived their secret relationship. Also having gone as far as any couples would, she has no regrets. She was so sure that he’s the only man she would want to spend her life with.
The time comes when it was finally alright to reveal their relationship but she thought that it was still better not to let anyone know because of him being an idol. Their meeting lessened and she would often just hear his voice on the phone. She looks forwards on days when his company would allow them to go to their provinces and have a few days vacation. He would go straight into her house with his baggage still on hand just to see her first. She’s contented with that.
Time passed as his group BTS achieved a huge increase in popularity. She saw him on tv shows, music programs especially behind the scenes where they were practicing really hard without rest. He would most of the time complain even on cameras but she can see that he looks happy. She would never hear anything from him and she was too hesitant to call him thinking he must be tired. Her birthday came and she said its okay when he calls only to say he cannot be there to celebrate it with her. Days dragged on until she fully understands that they should not really have that kind of relationship anymore. If any grown up man would say that they were the same person they were back then, they were just lying. Everyone goes into a slow process of realization and letting go where the end product will always be the newer version of you, whether it’s good or bad.
She was now with her back turned at him walking to the direction of some convenient store. She doesn’t know yet how she can walk pass the crowd of fangirls who still watched them from afar. But she knows it’s not that hard. But not meeting his gaze was one thing and just walking pass him was another thing that was a shock to her. She wished she should’ve said anything since it was only the two of them. But she’s afraid her words would come out way too soft that he won’t hear or worse is that he won’t acknowledge it at all even if he did hear it. And what exactly does she really want to say?
Maybe, it was fate that they met again like this. But she doesn’t want to be known as the girl who believed in things like that. She’s grown and has dreams now, far from the girl who was contented with just being with him.
It was her fault that they broke up. But yes it was also because of him who has lost time in their relationship. If that had not happened, she will not realize how pitiful she spend her days only waiting for someone who was better off without her. When people grow they, sometimes grew closer or they grew apart. It just turned out to be the latter for them.
“Why are you still standing here Yoongi?”
He looked at their coordinator noona who has run beside him. It turned to be an excuse for him to look at her retreating back. His mind is torn. He wanted her to look at him, but at the same time he doesn’t want to. Even if she did, nothing will change. It will be just another threat to his self control, to not run to her and hug her tightly.
And Yoongi was caught off guard when she really did turn his way. He had to catch his breath at the sight of her looking again at him. How stupid it may sound, but even now he still really wanted only her. Their gazes locked and Yoongi stepped forward only for their coordinator noona to pull on his clothes.
“It’s too late”
She told him before pointing at the stoplight that has now turned green. The cars moved. She also had turned her back and walks away. He knows he will regret it later but as their coordinator noona said that all they can do now was to wait, once again, all he just did is watch her as she leaves while he stayed where he was supposed to be.
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