Anosognosia

Panting weeps and tired eyes, showcasing denial and fear. Running like there was no tomorrow. Worried for what’s to come, for what could or will happen—for what should happen. They run together, making sure neither of them falls or stumble. The loving entanglement the two have shared over time, all just for them to fall into an undesirable climax. “How bitter sweat,” is what they would think if they were just witnessing a movie or reading a cliche romance book. But sadly for them, this is their real-life—their real story.

Tears flow and fall down to hit rocks and dirt on the ground, like fast leaves leaving their parent tree. Each tap of the ground grows synchronous to the sounds of their beating hearts and shaking breaths. Screams of wonder and uncertainty, asking over and over where they are going. Just to be answered by unsure assurance again and again.

“We’re gonna make it! I promise you, we are gonna make it” the taller silhouette shakingly encourages and looks towards his partner, hoping they are affirmed by even a little bit.

Even by lies—especially those he doesn’t have faith in. Because even he is unsure if they are going to make it, to survive, or be free from the mindless mob of figurative zombies behind them. To survive the possibility of losing one or the other whether it’s by betrayal, selfishness, or too much selflessness. God does he hope none of that is set in their destiny. If he knew of the possibility of karma getting revenge for everything he has done, he would’ve done everything to make up for every single mistake in his life. All for the love of his life to be happy and laughing; making jokes about the simple things, instead of running and crying; running away from the extremes.

Every minute causes him more and more regret, not because it’s all his fault but because he would’ve done everything to avoid this predicament. He just wanted a life with them where it felt like they were in a utopia. A fairytale where no matter what happens, they would always be happy with a happy ending. But now, seeing the hurt and pain in their eyes, all he could think of is a dystopia, a horrid reality where no matter where they go or what they do, they were always doomed to be miserable with an unhappy finale.

God does he wish to apologize for everything, to be given another chance at changing the stakes and past. God does he wish to just sacrifice himself instead, even if he is to be like Prometheus—torn apart then brought back together again just for the cycle to repeat for all eternity. God does he wish–no. He can’t keep thinking about this. He can’t afford to keep thinking about the past instead of focusing on what’s to come—on what he should do or can do. Because now, he has someone to protect. Those other times where he was in an impossible situation that involves him making a choice,, did he just succumb to regret and withdraw from the fight? No, instead he always helped with the best of his abilities and this has always saved him and the people he cared about the most. He hasn’t surrendered to fear and there is no way in hell he is starting now.

The paramour thinks differently however, they still are unsure yet they still follow him. They trust him, especially since they can’t trust anyone else. The epidemic has infected and affected many of the people they once called “friends”. The only thing keeping them certain that their companion—their beloved—is not one of them is the fact that he still tries to protect them, to keep them safe, to bring them to safety despite everything that has happened. They just hope that their assumption is not mistaken.

They look back at their companion after he reassures them one last time, beams of hope just barely visible in their eyes is enough to bring just a glimmer of happiness in his mind. He smirks apologetically. But despite his best attempts, his companion knows him too much to not know if he is in deep sorrow. But they also know not to push on it and just focus on finding safety, only then would they find the time to comfort him. Despite knowing this, they still feel guilty. They know it’s quite childish of them, but they still feel angry for not being able to do more. For being usele–no, they shouldn’t think that. Because that doesn’t help their situation and definitely doesn’t help their sorrowful escort. All they can do is just let it go, like water over stone. In spite of that very phrase being their most followed guide, they somehow find it way more difficult in a time where they need it most.

After racing against death for so long, they finally stop. The deceleration followed by increasing shock turned horror. In front of them, an abyss of unknown qualities—no one knows the height, what lies deep below, if there is even a deep below or if it’s just endless descent. They look back behind them, countless amounts of beings once called people. Then the two realized something; the abyss is like a void, no matter that they do, they will have to be sucked in. Otherwise, they meet the face of death. They look about at one another, the right one determined, the left one regretful. As the right one prepares to jump with him at the same time, he stops them.

“Wait, what are you doi-?” Before there was enough time to process, he pushes them off the cliff, sacrificing his very own self.

“No! Why!?” Trying desperately to reach his hand that remains far away like two countries on the opposite sides of a map. They scream and beg for him to join them and live, not to leave them and die. They cry as they have never cried in their entire life.

Despite the regret of seeing the disbelief and betrayal in his partner’s eyes and tears, he also feels fulfilled at the same time. Now, he can at least say his last words to the person he cherishes the most. Now he can die happy, knowing that they are still alive and safe. Knowing that he has accomplished his selfish vow of being too selfless. His partner’s loathing of his loving self-sacrifice.

“I love you”