Chapter 32: Repercussions
‘Alexa wait! Please!’
I heard my name being shouted down the corridor as I ran, refusing to look back. I could hear my heart bounding in my head, my pulse was racing as tears began to form in my eyes as I rant to the doors of the Temple, I needed to get out of here, now!
I tried to sprint away as fast as I could, both my mind and body were moving at what felt like a million miles an hour, other Jedi that were walking saw me flash past them and they probably heard the hiccups that were beginning to rise in my throat as I battled to keep in the sobs that wanted to escape.
My eyes were burning and my chest felt heavy as if it were filled with lead. I could no longer see clearly. All I knew was that things had gone too far. I had broken the Code, attachment was forbidden to the Jedi and I am certain that kissing someone is exactly what we are not supposed to do. Not only that, but just minutes before Rendal had come in Anakin had warned me about feeling something for him....
But do I really feel for him? Why do I have these emotions going through me? What does all this mean?!
I burst out the front doors and ran down the steps only to trip and fall! I closed my eyes as I hit the pavement with a thud, my hands grazed along the rough surface and skin tore from them, but I didn’t feel it as I kept rolling down the steps. By the time I stopped I had banged almost every part of me on the hard ground, but as I pulled myself up into a sitting position I just felt numb. I picked myself up, walking to a nearby alleyway to get away from all the staring eyes before leaning against a wall and sliding down it until I was sitting with my back against it.
Alone there I sat and reached out my hand so that I could clearly see it, the skin on my palm was ruffled and drops of blood were beginning to seep out from beneath the wounded flesh. Just another wound. Just another injury to remind me that I am ruled by my mistakes. It was then that a splash of water fell onto my hand I looked to the sky and even though the sky had been grey and looked like it was about to break into a heavy downpour, not a drop came from the sky. Looking down at my hand again another drop appeared and I realized that the liquid was coming from my eyes.
Using the back of my hand I tried to wipe the tears away, crying was stupid and for the weak, and I refused to be weak again. I had no reason to. So what if I had just let Anakin down? So what if I had just helped Rendal and I be expelled from the Order? So what if- Wait! This wasn’t my fault! Rendal had been the one to kiss me! I hadn’t encouraged him!
But I hadn’t discouraged him either. I had liked it, the feel of his mouth on mine, our hands linked together as carefully embraced each other.
No. I shook my head. Kissing him had been wrong and I knew it, that was I stopped, why I fled the scene and didn’t look back. I don’t do attachment, I don’t feel love or any of those things. I never have and I never will. I slowly placed my hand on my hear and felt it try and coat itself in thick layers of ice and steel as it had been up until Rendal and I had become friends.... But how can I just shut him out after what he’s done for me?
With a growl I stood up and slammed my closed fist into the wall.
Why is this happening?!
I never wanted this to stop, even knowing that this was against the rules, this just felt so right.... Or at least it did for me. Alexa’s eyes then bolted open and she jumped back away from me. I stared at her, trying to decipher the look in her eyes to find out what was wrong, but she pulled up her hood and in what felt like milliseconds had got up, dashed past me and out the door!
‘Alexa wait! Please!’ I called after her, but she ignored me. Immediately I had turned and began spinning my chairs wheels as fast as I could to catch up with her!
I don’t understand, what had I done wrong? I know my kissing isn’t great, especially since that was my first one, but I didn’t think I was that bad! Did she run away because she doesn’t like me? Maybe she left because she hates me and doesn’t have the courage to tell me! Hang on this is Alexa we’re talking about, if she hated me then she would have told me! So then why was she running?
During my high-speed pursuit, however, I lost her and I couldn’t seem to tap into the Force to relocate her.
Eventually I stopped, letting strange new feelings take over, I was cold and lonely and I felt like I had been punched through the chest so my heart and soul were ripped out. My gut felt empty and if I could still feel my heart then I’m sure it would have fallen into the pit of my stomach.
I had finally decided to take a chance with her after being friends with her for almost a month and now that I had plucked up the courage to kiss her she just fled without a word! Why?! I closed my eyes and sighed shaking my head, I could still feel her lips against mine and her fragrance lingered in my mind.
There can be no denying it now, all these feelings I’ve been experiencing up until now have been love. I am truly, deeply, irrevocably in love with Alexa. Maybe that was why I swear I could smell the same frangipanis that I had smelt on her.
‘Or maybe it’s because I’m right beside you.’ My eyes snapped open and I looked to see her face next to me.
‘Alexa!’ I smiled brightly at her before allowing my expression to morph into a frown. ‘Where did you go?’
‘Doesn’t matter.’ She replied as I gazed into her eyes for a moment, realising that she was trying to fight off her emotions and appear cold as she had before.
‘Alexa, I.... I have a confession to make.’
‘I know.’ She said before I could go any further and she then took a deep breath before staring my in the eye. ‘I love you too.’
Ok yes I admit it! I should have know fighting it is futile and now I am willing to accept this.... Or at least I am willing to try and accept it and to prove it I swiftly bent down and kissed him on the lips!
I am so glad that no one else was around where we were because I let out a soft moan into his mouth and it would have been incredibly embarrassing if someone had heard it, especially if it was-
‘Oh hello Alexa, I was wondering you’d seen Rendal?’
I instantly backed off from Rendal at the sound of Obi Wan’s voice as he came around the corner! For a moment I thought I felt my heart stop, had he seen me kiss him? Did he know about us sharing my room the last two nights? Had he heard me say that I love his padawan? I stared at the man terrified, but luckily enough it didn’t seem as if he saw us.
‘Hello Master, what can I do for you?’ My friend asked looking to Kenobi.
‘You have to go and see the med droids at the infirmary, remember?’
‘Oh! I’m sorry, Master, I completely forgot!’
‘Well come on, we can’t keep the droids waiting.’
‘Yes Master.’ He replied then glanced at me. ‘Are you coming?’
‘No thanks.’ I shook my head. ‘I think I’ll see you later.... I have something I need to take care of.’
‘Alright.’ He nodded and we went our separate ways.