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My fantasy world

My flee from the past;




The busiest airport in New York. Standing there, I shivered at the thought of travelling alone, as I have never been to anywhere this far before, all by myself. Reaching out for my luggage my father asked me with a concerned look in his eyes.

“Are you ok with this? Do you really wanna do this? Hon, it’s ok if you don’t wanna go. Don’t push yourself too hard. ”

My heart shrunk like a paper. It wasn’t my idea on ′going to study abroad’. But running away from the people I care, from this place, from the truth... from this chaos was what I needed for the time being. That’s why I had agreed to go by myself. My reply to him was just a faint smile.

Before leaving me, he held me by my shoulders and glanced at me from head to toe for one last time. He gave me a warm hug and told me,

“Honey, I just want you to be happy, no matter what. Go, live your life. Cherish every moment. Don’t worry about us. Gimme a call when you reach there. You know that I love you right? Bye. Take care. ”

I walked away without saying a word, without bothering to spare a second glance, too afraid to speak. It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be fine. It’s okay. YOU are okay. Calm down.

“Woah! Now that’s a daughter worth spending all your life’s savings. If you’re done here can we just leave already? ”

Stella walked away but Dad... He just stood there staring at my back as I walked away.

I’m sorry, Renee. I’m sorry I couldn’t provide you with a good family. I’m sorry I failed to be a good father. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with you when you needed me the most. -Raj.

Again, I blocked out all the thoughts around me as I moved ahead. Hold it in. Don’t cry. No! You shouldn’t cry.

* * *

Sitting in the plane, I looked out of the window. It was a dark clear sky with just a big white full moon at a distant corner. I looked around me inside the plane. The crew members were getting prepared to take off.

A beautiful, elegant airhostess with a highlighting red matte applied to her lips approached me, offering me my meal. I turned down the offer politely as I was not feeling hungry at the moment. She just smiled and walked away.

I could hear every single thought running wild in the minds of almost everyone around me. I started observing every passenger out of boredom. There was this young man who was struggling with his seat belt, his hands were trembling and he was internally praying to let him get through with this safely, perhaps it’s his first fly. Another one was enquiring about the delay, he was impatient and restless constantly tapping his right foot, he might be in some sort of hurry. Yet another person was trying to flirt with one of the air-hostess, the practical epitome of ‘are-you-free-after-the-landing’ type of a guy. Then there was this middle-aged man who was literally ogling the stewardess standing in the front, particularly her chest area. His thoughts were getting more and more kinkier as he observed each airhostess’ in a nasty way. At least he should stop drooling. Gross. I could hear the plotting of vacation plans from behind me. I could hear business related thoughts. Soon every thought started colliding with each other, turning into a loud noise inside my head. My ears started ringing. I quickly blocked all the thoughts and tried to keep my mind blank.

I closed my eyes and started thinking about the past years of my life, the past I’m trying to run away from. My father, Raj, is an Indian software developer; working in one of the IT companies of New York. Stella is an American citizen, who worked in the same company as my father did. They claim their marriage to be a love marriage. But I have never seen such a lovey-dovey relationship existing between them in these past 18 years. Except for her love for money, of course.

Well, however, one year after their marriage, I was born and they named me ‘Renee’. A year later, I was left under my granny’s care in South India. My granny is the most wonderful person I have ever met. She is a traditional Indian woman. She is a good cook, storyteller, singer and a neat freak (not an OCD patient but somewhere near to it). She lived in a village located at the foothills of a mountain. A stream flowed past the side of her beautiful house. The mountain behind the house was a home for so many wild animals and plants. She loved and cared for those animals. She knew every plant in the forest and it’s uses. She taught me to sing. She taught me to love every creature in this world. She taught me to respect every culture and tradition. She taught me how to use wild plants as medicines. She taught me many things. I loved growing under her nurture. But then, 7 years later, Stella came back for me. She resigned the job at the company and deemed it necessary for recreating the bond she believed was lost between us.

A 7 years distance makes any child crave for it’s parents badly... so did I. There was never a day I had not enquired about my parents in those 7 years. Did they not want me? Did they not care for me? Every time I asked, I was told they were busy and that is why they couldn’t spend time with me but they loved me. I believed it and waited patiently for them like the good girl I was. I was satisfied with the occasional calls from dad, I had to. So, finally when she showed up to take me, I was on my ninth cloud. Beyond the matter that they didn’t even care to turn up in these 7 years, not even for my birthday; I really loved them.

Stella was a gentle, loving mother and wife in the eyes of my 7 years old self. But as soon as I reached the age where I can understand things without a second person’s aid, I realized many things about Stella. She was not the woman I believed she was. She was not as gentle and pure as she seemed. It was just a mask she used to cover her filthy character. She was money-obsessed and a horny slut. She... She was a bitch, a flirty woman.

Whenever papa was on a business trip, she invited strangers to our home. She cheated him with many men. I was told they were her friends when I was too young to understand anything, but which friend of yours gets intimate with you in front of your kid? Papa never knew anything about this. He loved her... really loved her. He was such an innocent and forgiving person that she managed to take advantage of it. She was only after his money and his job requirements were too much of a convenience for her.

Whenever I looked at my dad, that gentle smile and warm eyes filled with love, I felt a pang of pain in my chest. I felt guilty for a mistake that was never mine. How long was he been fooled like that? How long will he be fooled like that? Idk.

This was too much pressure for me. I couldn’t bear this anymore. So, I decided to confess to Papa. Somehow, Stella sensed my hostility and resolve. Stella stopped me beforehand and threatened me that she will turn my father against me if I dared saying anything to him. She told me she will make my life a living hell. And she did what she said. She gained his sympathy and tried to turn him against me. In my father’s eyes, I became a hopeless, rebellious kid and criticized me for mistakes I’ve never committed. Thankfully, he didn’t go that vile or repulsive against me, because he loved his only daughter too. But from then on, Stella’s behavior towards me changed.

I started keeping my distance from them and even everyone else. I was afraid that the things I’m hiding inside me will slip out if I talk. I ended up being a lonely, non-social, introvert girl. Slowly being around human beings scared me, made me tense. I became claustrophobic to even a small gathering. Loneliness and books became my best friends. I loathed that woman. I despised falling in love or marriage. I didn’t believe in any sort of human relationship. But then, Daniel came into my life. He changed everything. He wiped out all the darkness from my life. He became the ray of sunshine in my life. His love had the power to melt down every sorrow in my heart. In short, he taught me to live...to live for a cause... And that cause was him. I started mingling with my classmates, gained a bunch of friends. I started becoming social. My fear of people reduced. In fact, I became bolder. Everything... Because of him. I was madly and badly in love with him... And he with me.

Everything was going well, until when I started having some strange dreams... Or visions as I call them now. Whatever I used to dream, it would happen in the next few days. Not all of the dreams but some. In the beginning I wasn’t worried about it at all because I mostly dreamt of my routine life or a conversation with a friend or a place where Daniel planned to take me. But then, once I saw a dream where Daniel met with an accident and lying dead in a pool of blood. My heart skipped a beat.

No... Not him... I cannot lose him...

I shook the feeling away, ignored the warning it sent me. Took it very lightly. The biggest mistake of my life.

It was the night before New Year. He went partying with his friends late night. On the way back, he was on the phone with me. He met with an accident and I heard him die. He was on a call with me while riding a motorbike. A truck from the opposite side suddenly lost control and hit him. I still remember hearing the loud honking sound of the truck and then crashing noise very vividly. I heard the very last breath leaving his body. I was broken yet I managed to hold all the broken pieces together. I stood stubborn not letting one drop of tear coming out. I locked myself in a room for nearly a month. I barely ate forget about speaking to someone. It’s me... It’s all my fault. The thought crept through me continuously. Had I not met him... Had I not fell in love with him...Had I warned him... Had I not called him...If he had not got acquainted with me, he would’ve been alive. I dragged him into all this. I killed him. It’s because of me. This is all my fault. Stress. Head ache. Panic attack. Dizziness. Numbness. Depression. Anxiety. Slowly my body lost its immunity. Father got worried and made me to consult a psychiatrist. It was of no use. I shut myself and didn’t co-operate with them. Who will believe me if I say that I have a certain condition which allows me to see future in short terms through dreams? Who will believe me if I say I knew he was about to die and my own negligence to the fact caused it? No one.

Stella never gave a shit about any of my condition. The only thing she was worried about was the money that was being spent on me. When father told her about sending me to a far-off place to study, so that I could have a change of atmosphere she made a big fuss about it. But then, when she learnt that someone is sponsoring my entire expenses, she finally gave in. I mean why wouldn’t she? When she got a perfect chance to get rid of me without spending a single penny why wouldn’t she!?

Finally, here I am, on my way to an unknown academy in an unknown place for the sake of my studies.... *Sigh*

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