“Why are you so fucking bipolar!” I yelled after Fred as soon as he walked through the door. “One minute you are screaming at me, slut-shaming me, and the next you are kissing me!”
He turned around to look at me.
“I didn’t slut-shame you.”
“Saying I’ll throw myself at all of your brothers is basically slut-shaming.” I told him. “Why can’t you let me breathe? I do want you but it’s not going to happen.”
He sighed and stepped into the room again, gently closing the door. I sat down on my bed and he slowly walked over to sit next to me.
“Why not?” He asked softly. “Why can’t we just try and be happy for once?”
“We are happy.” I breathed. “We always are at first. Then Johnson gets in the way, something happens and you proceed to be her girlfriend or her friend afterwards. And we don’t communicate. We argue. That’s what we do. That’s our thing and it’s not healthy.”
Fred went to place his hand on my thigh but I moved away and pulled my legs up to cross them.
“Fuck.” He cursed. “I know— I just want you. I don’t care about the toxicity... as long as I have you.”
I so wanted to just say ′fuck it’ and get back together with him but the way it went wrong the other times, scared me and what scared me even more was knowing that because I took him back the last time, he got drugged and Angelina raped him. That was on me. If I hadn’t taken him back, it wouldn’t have happened.
He didn’t seem to be affected by it. He just seemed pissed about what she did but he didn’t seem affected.
Maybe he was keeping it in, or maybe he simply didn’t feel affected by it.
“It’s not a good idea.” I said and looked at him. I knew he had anger problems and he had a hard time knowing when things had reached their boundaries. Both with prank but also with the things he said. Sometimes he said things he regretted right away because he speaks before he thinks. I also know that if he worked hard on it, he would get better and we would learn to have a healthy relationship.
Just like I needed to trust and needed to learn to not keep things to myself like I first did when I found my mum’s diary.
“Why not?” Fred asked. “Why can’t we just love each other? I’ll stop hanging around Angelina. We’ll graduate in five months and then we never have to see her again.”
The part of never seeing Angelina again sounded nice. But getting back together with Fred for the second time? All of this had happened within four months. All the things that had happened, had happened so quickly.
“I need some time.” I told him. “I can’t just rush into it again like the last time.”
“Okay.” He whispered. He got off the bed and ran his hands down his jumper to straighten it out, then he turned and placed a hand on the frame of my four-poster bed. “I’m really sorry about everything I’ve done to hurt you.”
“I’m sorry I kissed your brother.”
He simply nodded in response and when I looked up at him, he looked away.
“Just don’t— please don’t do it again.”
“I regretted it as soon as it happened.” I told him honestly. How was I ever going to tell him that I once gave his brother a blowjob and that his brother gave me an orgasm with his mouth when we were only fourteen.
If I ever find out my future kids do stuff like that at fourteen, I’ll murder them. May sound hypocritical but I regret doing it.
“I’ll—” he inhaled sharply, making it look like it hurt to breath. “I’ll see you later. Talk to me when you’ve figured it out?”
He looked at me and I nodded faintly before he pushed himself away from the bed and left the room for the second time within half an hour.
As he left, Callie entered, and when she saw me sit on my bed, she walked over to sit next to me.
“What was that about?”
“A lot of things, really.” I shrugged. “He wants me to consider getting back together.”
“What?” Callie frowned. “Are you considering it?”
I shrugged and turned my body on the bed so I could lean back against one of the posters.
“I mean, I love him, right?”
“You’re— asking me if you love him?”
I groaned out of frustration and smacked my hand against my forehead.
“Is it really love if you have to ask me about it?” She asked. I flicked her off, causing her to chuckle. “People tend to say that love is about sacrifices. Do you know what I think love is about?”
“Security.” She said with a smile. “I mean, it is about sacrifices as well but for me, security means everything.”
I felt secure with Fred.
“But also about respect.” She sighed. “You have to respect each other, respect boundaries and respect that you’re committed to one another and no one else.”
“It’s about growing together.” She continued. “Love is also accepting each other’s flaws. It’s patience and it makes you feel addicted.”
Again, I started crying and as soon as the tears streamed down my cheeks again, I let out a groan through the sob that made it way up through my throat.
“Oh c’mon.” I sobbed. “How am I supposed to know if I still love him when you say shit like that?”
Callie smiled at me. She simply smiled as if she knew something I didn’t. I loved that she was the one who came in here right when Fred left. If I told Melba or Seth that I was considering taking Fred back, they’d both yell at me.
Callie is more supportive and calm and so is Nate and I knew if Nick was here, he’d hug me and tell me to follow my heart.
“Do you think about him a lot?” Callie asked, tilting her head.
“I try not to.” I sobbed, wiping my cheeks. “Because it hurts. Love is not supposed to hurt, is it?”
“I can’t say.” She shrugged. “Do you get emotionally triggered by everything?”
Is she not looking at me right now?
“Seriously?” I cried. “This is the fourth time I’ve cried today.”
“Alright then.” She chuckled. “You just answered my next question before, actually. It hurts to think about him.”
I nodded slowly, folding my arms over my chest. Was this some kind of quiz or something?
“Have you been fantasising about getting back together?” She asked me.
“Uh— I wondered if we could make it work.” I shrugged. “Tried to imagine what it would be like without Johnson getting in our way.”
Callie’s smile grew a little, causing me to frown. “I think you love him. I also think you should give him a third chance. Though if you believe he’s going to cheat again, don’t go near him.”
I took a deep breath, shaking my head.
“Angelina drugged him with Amortentia.” I said. “He didn’t cheat. She—”
“She raped him?!” Callie raised her voice. “Oh, I should’ve hexed her. I should’ve done something so bad to her that I’d end up in Azkaban! I will murder her for raping Fred. I will fucking—”
“Callie.” I interrupted her. “Don’t worry. Karma will hit her. Especially when I make Fred tell his mum. She’s gonna make sure Fred gets justice for what happened.”
I still didn’t know if I’d take Fred back but that didn’t mean I wasn’t enraged about what Angelina did to him. Didn’t matter if he’s hurt by it or not, she still raped him and she won’t get away with it.