A really sad thing called happiness
Fuck. I know it has to he today, this is litterally my last chance for probably....ever. Uhg I absolutely hate it here. Im walking through the dumb halls of my dumb school trying to find that dumb ginger. I litterally wish that there was some telopathic way I could communicate this crazy shit to him so that I dont have to say it out of my mouth and look like a fool.
I get around the hall near class 1, where all of the not-so-bright kids are, except for the one...very..very bright one. Hinata. He is legit brighter than the sun, I hate it, it hurts my eyes. Still, for who knows why, I can never look away.
There he is. My eyes finally land on his desk, I see a butt on top of it, but its not his..oh. There he is talking explosively with Yachi Hitoka. Makes sense, for being in class 1, she is pretty smart compared to her piers, but she has the same brightness hinata does. Except for, I guess when she is shaking furiously at anyone that walks by her. Id call it sad, but no matter how deep I search, there doesnt seem to be a reason she is scared of people like that. Only excuse Ive decided to use is her mom, that lady is actually so mean.
Still, Ms.Hitoka has her mom moments. Hinata is smiling up at the blonde moving his hands all over the place trying to immitate something. This makes me even more nervous, because if I fuck up right now... Ill probably crash his whole mood and ruin his conversation with the blonde.
Welp here goes nothing
"HEYO, ED SHEERAN!" omg i hate myself for calling him this, now of all times, but I can never be serious with him, or nice to him like that. If I did I might go off into that dumb fantasy world and never come back.
"Udai?! Heyy!" I see him eyes turn to me, still plenty excited, but they arent as wide as when he was talking a minute ago. I know why, but Ill just pretend I dont notice.
"So, I was told to inform you in this specific way, that the other night when I got done teaching you recieves, I stayed back and watched your real practice." Deep breathe in. Come on Saina, no one else in class one knows you anyway.
"And when you recieved the ravenettes serves, it looked like wWA SHOOOOO, and I felt a KWOOSH and A FWAAPOOWW!?" The more of it I spoke out loud, the more my face dropped into a very confused look. I was confused with...myself?
Hinata, however, looked like he might cry from being awarded..like..a Grammy. He looked at me, hand over his heart.
"Oh.My.God. the TINY GIANTS LITTLE SISTER SPOKE MY LANGUAGE AND LIKED MY RECIEVES!?!?!"
and just like that. I was punched in the face. Metaphorically, physically, it doesnt matter, it felt the same. 'The tiny giants little sister.'
"Yup, that's all anyway, bye Hitoka" I waved small-ly at her and started to walk away.
"B-b-bye udai..." I hear from her small timid voice.
That girl would gladly call us friends, I've been to her house, she has been to mine, but, she treats me like I am a scary fucking dragon that kill step on her if she talks too loud, or steps out of line. I hate it. Mostly because it makes me want to ACTUALLY step on her just to prove a point of house ridiculous it is. Nonetheless, that is wrong. So I do not ever make any attempts to step on Hitoka, or be rude to her, at all, in any way. Im not even blunt to her, which physically pains me to do.
She thinks I'm scary, but I cry all the time because she scares me. She scares because she is everything that I am not, has everything that I do not, and even though I hate myself for it, I just wish I could be like her. She has him. I think.
Hinata sees her a yachi, the cute, little, timid girl, who he can teach vollyball to because she doesn't know it. He sees me as..The tiny giants...little sister. Hence. The punch to the face.
I am finding my way back to my classroom, I took this journey during a break between classes, I probably should have just stayed annoying tsukishima, he at least thinks of me as 'saina the annoying lewd vulgar bitch' thats quoted. At least that has my actualy name in it. At least that is really me. Whatever, I tried to talk to him, I guess itll never work. I should really just confess, get my heart broke, and the try to fill the black whole in my heart with like...a vollyball or somthing.
You know what, I will, Im going to strut down to the old worn down boys vollyball gym 3, pick up my droopy head and confess, because the tiny giants little sister is in love with Shoyo Hinata.
"Ay, midget, sit down and stop staring out the window like a creep"
"Ouch, my head!?" I brought my hand up to rub the place tsukiblablabla just flicked.
"Also dinosaur-toad midget is a slur"
"Udai, you are actually so dumb"
"Oh shut the hell up" I turned to the seat behind me and walked the blonde in his arm. Aggressively.
"No. You cannot tell me midget is a slur, while you say midget in the sentence. That just means you are sluring too," he states matter of factly, looking out the window with a scoff.
"Shut up tsuki, you just a midget like two times trying to justify my I shouldn't say it."
"Shit, I said it again!"
"Tch midget, no cussing in class"
"Tsukishima, you dick, you said it again!!"
With that I spun around and kinda launched myself over my chair to pounce on him, because he deserved it. He reached his ridiculously long arms, fending me of really quickly right as the teacher walks back in .
"Feisty midget" I hear whispered in my ear.
I hate tsuki so much. Ugh. I cant even hit him right now, Ill get detention. Fuck.
Class is out, its time for practice. Thank god. Im going to confess right now and then if it goes bad I can just go home and he will have to stay here for his practice. Ha! Win, win. Wait. No its not.
I rushed to stuff all of my paper into my binder, and the plopped my binder into my backpack, kinda zipping it up, but not all the way. Then I shot out of the classroom in search of gym 3.
He should be there already, his class is closer to it and he always rushes to practice. I picked a light jog as I stumbled around to the gym. As the door got closer to me, I began to hear chatting and some shoes squeaking. The door was cracked open just enough for me to peek inside. No hinata. This sucks confessing is hard enough already. Boo.
I couldnt help but get a little bit anxious. I ussually wouldnt be like that but my plan was just to say it straight up. Deep in my heart though, I was pretty sure that wasn't the type of thing hinata liked. He was such a hopeless romantic, he probably wanted a whole essay of why and how and when, and like a sunset and a kiss in the rain or something. However I do not have the facilities to provide that, nor the confidence, so this will probably go bad.
I knew he would skip practice, so he must be around here somewhere, the sooner I find him and say it, the sooner I can get the hell out of here. I heard some footsteps to the side of me and caught a glimpse of the raven haired setter walking around the other side of the gym.
My eyes lit up, he must be on a different side or something chit chatting aggressively, as the tangerine does. I start breathing more deeply and slowly reciting the words over and over in my head. Just another desperate attempt to stop my brain from working against me and saying some dumb mean shit.
Dont call him ed sheeren. Dont call him ed Sheehan. Dont call him ed sheeran.
I shut my eyes tight and and took one long breath before turning the last corner to the back wall behind the third gym, where i had faintly heard shoyos loud giggle.
As my foot steps forward I shoot my eyes open. My breath hitched, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I was already suffocating before I had even fully taken in the image. The blond was up on her tip-toes against the wall being held there by the tangerine. My tangerine. Her tangerine? He was smiling into what looked like a passion-filled kiss and it made my heart drop to my stomach. I felt heavy. For a meer second I felt indescribably angry at the two. Images of all the times I ranted to yachi about my stupid crush on the sunshine boy.
How she would chuckle a little and nod. I remembered all of the times I let myself get exited because he called me by my first name, usually when we were practicing. I began to see all of those days we spent practicing alone in the gym, and now I was sad. I remembered being chased in circles around the gym before he caught up and attacked me with tickles. I would laugh so hard I began to cry.
Now I stand there, at the corner of the dirty building tears welled in my eyes, and I can only threaten them not to fall. I am so pathetic now that I think of it. Of course he would want sombody blonde and sweet and timid and kind and adorable like a baby. Not some rude, vulgar, brutally honest, ugly-black haired, know-it-all girl with commitmentphobia. Tsuki was right. And so was shoyo. I am just...the tiny giants sister. The tiny giants stupid, helpless, bitch of a sister.
I barely have the ability to see through the aquarium my eyes are swimming through like fish. When they make their way press against the glass and I can see a little more clearly I take in the new scene.
The two sunshine giggling with pink dusted cheeks in embrassment. Shoyos head is turned to look away, while yachi is making direct eye contact with me. She doesn't look sad, she looks scared, like she thinks I might hurt her. Do I really look so scary, even when I am in the weakest of places, on the verge of completely breaking. I am ice melting in the hot temperatures of spring, treating to snap under then next person to touch me.
How can I be that fragile and still scare the girl. I want to hate her, but I hate me. I hate me so much for thinking I was ever anywhere near good enough. I have to escape the awful guilt that flows in with her timid stare. I decide to look up over her blonde locks to see what hinata is looking at. On the other corner of the wall is the tall revenette. Im sure the world sees a stoic expressing but the glint in his eyes from the sunlight poking through trees behind the building tells me that we are the same. Timid ice begging to be broken to pieces.
I donf know the boy at all, not even his name, but I can see all of the broken pieces of him scattered on the floor so clearly. How can shoyo not? I suppose shoyo isn't so used to that feeling so maybe he just can recognize it.
"Oh.My.God. BAKAGEYAMAAA please don't tell the team, I WILL DO ANYTHINGGG!!!!"
I watched his bright figure run over to kageyama, and this was him stepping on my ice. This small, regular, perfectly acceptable act and it broke me. Like the pathetic girl I am. It broke me to know he didn't even know I was there. Did he ever know that I was there. Was he just seeing a person, but not me? Just a girl who can play vollyball? Just somebody.
As the ice broke i found myself incapable of breathing or moving really at all. So I made sure I was covered by the edge of the wall and turned away to face the bright gleaming blue sky almost void of clouds. I slammed back against the brick harshly, hoping just a little that maybe I would snap a long with all the belongings in my backpack. Then I slid all the way down the the dirt. Not bothering that the small dust chips were directly touching my bare legs and but, scratching me under my skirt.
Next thing I knew I couldnt see the blue sky anymore, I could only see the solemn rain I produce all on my own, through my eyes. There was, for once, a complete emptiness settled in me. From the pit of my stomach, where I had not lunch due to nerves, to my brain where any and all thoughts couldn't be interpreted at all, all the way to my heart, where lay a big, black hole.
Nobody was coming to see me anytime soon. So I simply allowed myself to bask in the pain, and emptiness. Ignoring the beautiful day I was sat directly in front of.