My birthday is today. I don’t really want to even celebrate it because I don’t know if my family could be here with me. I miss them so much but we’re in LA and they are in England. Our tour will start 28.02.2013 which is too soon to be honest. How the time flies. I still can’t believe that everything happened. My birthday party will be at our house with just some close friends and no paparazzi hopefully, it starts at 10:00pm.
Now I’m just chilling with boys and watching some lame movie. I’m not really watching it cause I’m constantly zooming out or looking at Louis. I’m still questioning myself about that. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, I don’t even know if he is into guys or is there something wrong with me? Overthinking was always part of the day or night. It’s just who I am and I don’t think that I will be changing anytime soon. I can’t even open up to my best friends cause I’m constantly fighting with my mind like right now that I’m not even noticing that someone is calling my name.
“Harry?” Some voice is calling my name. I’m probably sleeping or daydreaming. Or someone is really-
“Harry!” Again that voice.
“What? Huh?” I answer cause I don’t even know who was calling me, or if someone.
“I was just asking if you are alright mate.” That voice was Zayn. One of my best friends that gets me the most.
“Uh yeah, yeah.” Well that was totally convincing. Congratulations. Hope he won’t ask but I know I couldn’t lie to him or even tell him.
“Alright me and Harry are going to my room.” He says as he turns to the boys. I see Louis looking at me with worried eyes? No not possible. But yeah it’s him. I look into his eyes, the blue ocean eyes that I got lost the first time and every time. We are locked, me staring into his ocean eyes and him staring into my emerald orbs.
“C’mon Harry.” Zayn says as he put his hand on my shoulder as a sign to get going and to wake me up from my thinking. I turn around and let him led me, I’m too busy thinking again. The boys must think that I’m weird, no Louis must think that, but I don’t want him to think that about me. I don’t even notice that Zayn is already opening the door to his room.
“Alright Harry, talk.” He says as I sit on his bed with my head in my hands, I’m a mess right now.
“I-I don’t know.” I do know but I don’t think I can tell without having a panic attack about it.
“Harry, everything’s alright just take a deep breath and tell me.” He says as it is really that easy. It’s not but I think I can try, just try.
“I think there is something wrong with me.” I need to tell somebody but I know they are going to judge me for who I’m or want to be.
“There is not don’t ever think that okay?” He says but I know there is something more. “C’mon mate quit overthinking and tell me.” He says as he knows what is going in my head.
“Please don’t judge me.” I plead cause now I’m being really vulnerable and I don’t want to lose my best friend.
“Hey, I can assure you that I won’t judge you, ever. Now tell me.” He says as he is sitting in front of me in a chair.
“I think I’m attracted to men.” I look down in embarrassment as it’s something wrong. He is quiet which is never a good sign, maybe he didn’t hear me or didn’t want to?
“Harry it’s okay.” With that he hugs me, I quickly return it and bury my face into his neck. I know he has to feel my tears as I sob into his arms. “Mate it’s okay, don’t think that it’s something wrong okay?” He says some other sweet words to me to just calm me down. I hope he knows how much I appreciate it.
“I thought that you are gonna hate me.” I admit cause I wasn’t really expecting this reaction, from him or anyone. I feel him pull away as he cups my face.
“Look at me Harry.” He says as I slowly look into his eyes. I see no disgust, no hate, no anger, just pure joy and happiness for me. “I could never hate you, you are my best friend alright mate?” He says.
“Thank you.” I say as I stop crying and I smile, genuinely.
“Harry it’s okay really, I suppose you don’t want me to tell anyone yet?” He says as he didn’t know the answer.
“No please don’t.” I plead cause I have too many reasons not to want it.
“Okay, your secret is safe with me honestly.” He says and I know that it’s a promise and he is gonna keep it, it’s just who he is and I’m thankful for that.
“I can’t let management find out about it.” I say. I’m not afraid of them as a person but afraid of what they would do. Set me up with some female models or singers that needed money or fame. I know they wouldn’t accept me like Zayn just did.
“I know Harry.” He says with a sad tone and honest eyes. They have created him that ‘Bad boy’ image because he has tattoos and always wears black. I really started to hate them when they wouldn’t give Niall and Louis more solos because they said that we are more talented or whatever bullshit. I mean c’mon without Niall there wouldn’t be fun and he has unique sense of humor, and without Louis and his voice of an angel that only we could hear. Then they made Zayn ‘Bad boy’ that was last drop.
“Let’s go back yeah?” He says.
“Okay let’s go.” I say as I walk behind him left with my half positive and half negative thoughts.
As we are almost there I hear, Louis?
“What do you think happened? He looked sad. I should have talk to him more.” He ranted as I believe Liam stopped him.
“I’m sure he is alright now that they are back.” Liam assured him.
“What?” Louis asks like he hadn’t notice us. I mean I’m standing in doorstep like a creep and Zayn is in front of me so I’m not even surprised that they hadn’t see me. As I’m thinking Louis turns around to Zayn.
“Where is Harry?” Louis asks that brought me back to reality.
“Hi.” I say as Louis finally looked at me with his eyes. Shit I’m lost again. I need to look away but I can’t seem to, I know I have to before it gets even more awkward. “I’m going to shower.” And with that I walk out of the doorstep where I stood before. I really couldn’t take his eyes full of concern, and care?
I walk to my room that I share with Louis. Yeh. It’s hard to literally live in the same house with your crush but in the same room it’s way harder.
As I’m stripping out of my clothes I run a cold shower. Not that I don’t enjoy a hot one but it all depends on my mood. After couple minutes I mean 15 minutes I take my towel and place it around my torso.
I open the door but almost have a heart attack when I see who is waiting here. It’s Louis. I stare at him as I take deep breaths because of the cold water that I had nearly minute ago. I notice that he is staring at my body, my abs, my torso where the towel is placed. That instantly changes my mood.
“Louis you need something?” I say as I see him blushing? He is nervous but the good kind, shy is always cute.
“I uh I just needed t-to ask if you are alright.” He stutters. That was so cute as he is trying to hide that he wasn’t checking me out like a few seconds ago.
“I’m quite alright Louis. Thank you for the concern.” I didn’t even noticed that my voice got deep from the cold water. I walk closer to him because my new clothes are behind him but I don’t think he notices now that his eyes are on my body following my every move.
“Harry?” He says my name as I’m now in front of him like I said my clothes are behind him.
“Yes?” I breathed out as we are just inches from each other.
“I-I” How nervous can person possibly be. If there was any other person I would be a little bit annoyed but I know I would tell them nothing. With Louis is different, everything is.
“Yes?” I ask like I don’t know what is going inside of his head. I know only one thing. That he is feeling something too otherwise he wouldn’t act like this.
“Why are you so close?” He asks without stuttering, well congratulations on that one.
“My clothes are behind you Louis.” I say as I reach behind him to get them. I can feel his breath on my neck. Omg.
I take the clothes but still don’t put them on. I look into his eyes as he is staring into mine. We are basically breathing the same air. I just want to kiss him but I now I can’t do that.
I take them and put them on as I’m about to take off the towel I look at Louis seeing him staring on towel.
“Louis.” I say with hesitation cause I don’t really know what to except.
“What? Right I’m sorry. I will uh um I will just go now.” There is this stuttering again, and again cute as always.
“Wait for me. I will cook dinner tonight.” I say hoping he heard me.
“Okay uh bye.” He says as he sprinted out of the room as his ass was on fire.
I chuckle at his behavior, he is really funny when he is shy around me otherwise he quite scary with his ‘Fuck you’ attitude.