(y/f/n) - your full name
(h/c) - home country/hair colour
(h/l) - hair length
(h/s) - hair style (wavy, curly etc)
(e/c) - eye colour
What is happiness? What is the meaning of life? Why are we born? What is the reason that we live the life we live? These are the main questions that most people ask themselves throughout their whole existence. Sometimes these thoughts bring negative feelings, feelings of depression or anxiety. The thought of having to accomplish life like its a chore, a mission. But what then? What happens when we accomplish this mission but don’t feel accomplished at all? What happens when we waste our lives to accomplish this one mission? Nothing. Nothing happens. It is too late to fix anything, too late to change your decisions.
But what do I know? I’m one of these people. The only difference is that I don’t have a mission. I don’t have anything to accomplish. That’s even worse. You are lost in life, not knowing what to do, what to become. You float around wasting every single day of your life, not accomplishing a thing. I don’t normally think about this, I just continue day after day as an emotionless robot. Most definitely like the other young adults around me.
24 years of age and I’ve become nothing more than the slave worker of a huge company, living alone without any family in a small house, earning enough salary for 7 people. Yeah, I have a lot of money, but what can I do with it by myself. I have no one with me, no friends, no family. All left behind when I wanted to escape the harsh childhood I had. I regret leaving my closest friends behind but I needed to escape, my depression and anxiety becoming too much to handle. I had to start fresh.
A new life meant a new person. New name, new house, new street, a new town, new city, new country, a new continent. One thing I never changed about myself was how I look. Sure I don’t like my appearance, but that’s the closest thing I have to the good memories of my past. My past self, my past friends. I loved them with all my heart. They were my true family. I never loved my family, besides my little sister. She was the only one I had to a blood-related family. The bond between me, my father and mother was shattered the moment their darkest secret rose out and broke the surface. The family was broken the very beginning before I was even born. I hate it whenever I think about this, wishing that I was somehow born into a different family. But I’m glad I weren’t. Then I would have never met the people I love. Even so, the negative thoughts kept piling up, kept suffocating me those past years.
So as soon as I turned 18, I moved away and started my new life. It’s been four years since I’ve lived in New York. I never visited (h/c) once. Never visited home. Life here is dull, monotone. I didn’t want to change anything, didn’t get into a relationship of any sorts to brighten up my day. I just live my life, wasting a day after day. I’m afraid of the years zooming past me way too quickly, fear of dying without enjoying my life. I wish I could turn back time and enjoy every moment I had before all this happened. I loved my younger years where I had no pressure, no anxiety or sadness, just days of happiness. I bet everyone wishes the same thing. But there’s nothing you can do. The years continue and you grow older. I just wish I was brave enough to change the many decisions I regret to this very day. I just wish I was young again.
Even though I wish for this, I feel like I’m greedy, that I’m wishing for something so important for such an unimportant person like myself. My (h/l) (h/c) (h/s) hair, (e/c) eyes, long lashes, high cheekbones, an oval face, and a body that no one wants. I’m not sociable, I’m a hard worker at times, I’m shy, I don’t know what love is and I’m alone. No one wants to be alone. No human being can live alone. I certainly can’t. When I think about this, I think about those in the orphanage. I feel like that I’m not doing enough - even though I donate so much of my salary - for those kids. I wish I could adopt them all, give them a childhood they would remember and cherish, not like me. Whereas I loathe my childhood.
In life, you are born, you live and you die. We all somehow do have a purpose to live for. Somehow do have a mission to accomplish. It just takes time to realise this and live a happy life. To cherish life and live life to the fullest. It certainly took its time with me, but I doubt that I found the reason I’m born. Even though, I’m glad a made this life-changing choice. This choice that finally showed me the happiness that I was never to find alone. I would make the very same choices if I were to relive my life.
I, (y/f/n), dearly love you.
My seven precious children.