Lena didn't attend dinner today. She knew she should have. It's the first day back, her last first day back at Hogwarts. Her past self would have been distraught, sad even. But now she has other reasons to be sad. Lena would have been at the Ravenclaw table with her friends, laughing talking about old memories from the first year. But her friends are no longer her friends.
Lena thought friends were supposed to be there for you in rough times, to believe you no matter what. But what happened to Lena, they didn't. They weren't there for her and they didn't believe her.
"You're an attention seeker," they said.
No, she just needed help.
That night will forever replay in her mind. It appears in her dreams, her nightmares.
She only went that night because her friends persuaded her too. They said "it will help" or "it will be good for you". Spoiler alert, it wasn't. It was the worse night of her life. She thought she had already lived the worse night of her life when her parents died. She was wrong. Very wrong.
After Lena's parents died she slept, slept all the time. Using it as an escape. But after a while, even sleep couldn't take her pain away. Instead, she started to have nightmares. Nightmares so bad she'd wake up screaming. She'd have panic attacks throughout the day, seeing visions of her parents or- him.
She'd pass out in the corridors or during class. Her friends began to see her as a burden to look after, she wasn't getting better. She only got worse. Especially when she would have no one to talk to, no one to comfort her. To tell her "everything will be okay". She was completely alone.
Once her friends left her shed walk the corridors alone, eat alone, live alone. She hadn't been herself in months and nobody seemed to notice or care. She would go days without speaking to anyone. Like she was only existing and not living.
She remembers the times where she'd be the joy to everyone's day, Lena was the type of girl who if she smiled, you would smile too. If shed laugh, you'd also laugh. She was constantly there for everyone, her kindness spread throughout Hogwarts, helping first and second years with their homework. She was the angel in everyone's day.
But what did she get in return? Nothing. Friends that now only see her as a burden. Friends who have spoken to her in months. Dead parents and no love or joy gave back to her.
As Lena sits on the brick wall, looking out into the night sky. Thousands of star shining bright in the sky, she laughs to herself. It's funny how day by day, nothing changes but when she looks back everything is different.
"I can't go on as this" Lena thought to her self as a tear fell from her eye. The only way to stop feeling is to feel nothing at all.
She wants to live. She wants to live the happiest life. She wants to grow older and travel the world. She hopes that one day she'll be able to see every inch of the world. All the beautiful parts of the world. She wants to see all the animals, all of the beautiful sunsets and gorgeous flowers. She wants to meet amazing people who will be there for her and she can be there for them. She wants to make a difference in the world. To find her purpose.
All she see's is pain. And fear. A war. She doesn't feel happy and how she supposed to when she lives in a world like this. I deserve better. She tells herself.
Nowadays I don't even know wether I'm alive or just breathing. I mean I breathe so there for I'm alive. But I don't feel as though I am.
I want to be alive. I want to live. But I have no reasons to live. No purpose.