Wish I Were ✔️

Summary

One shot BrightWin au of Conan Gray's Heather Win watched Bright's eyes as she walked by. He swore they were brighter than any moonlit sky. --- The same thoughts rushing through his head. Why would you ever kiss me, Bright? You like her better... Wish I Were...

Genre:
Romance / Drama
Author:
Jac 💕
Status:
Complete
Chapters:
1
Rating:
5.0 1 review
Age Rating:
16+

Wish I Were

Long one-shot

Inspired by the song "Heather" by Conan Gray

Win wants to cry. Truly he has never felt so strongly about anyone before, but when it comes to Bright he just feels so much.

Bright and Win knew each other since they were kids, but they were never close until high school.

However, for Win, Bright was how he knew he was gay. The instant crush he had on the beautiful brown boy that moved in next door spoke volumes.

Truthfully at the time, he didn't know it was a crush. He was just seven and at that age, romance wasn't a part of his world. He just always wanted to see the boy, just watch him.

Just look at him, because he couldn't help but to do so. The way his eyes lingered on the boy when they were in close vicinity.

The way he found himself looking at him in their elementary classes.

The way he found himself watching him walk across the hall at school and eating and playing with his friends at recess, to a shy seven-year-old, it might have been a fascination, maybe, but definitely not a crush.

However, when puberty hit and Win found his thoughts of the boy turning a little steamy that's when he knew something was different.

Wasn't he supposed to think that way about pretty girls? Why Bright?

Why did he think about what kissing Bright would taste like?

Why did he want Bright to notice him?

Why did he always look at Bright's lips and watch him comb his hair back with his hand?

Why did Brights' smile always give him butterflies in his stomach? Even when it wasn't directed at him?

But when sixteen-year-old Win looked at Bright he knew. He just couldn't deny the boy was beautiful.

Those bright beautiful dark orbs, the way he filled out and just became more chiseled and more handsome.

The way his bowed shaped lips seemed perfectly carved and the way his laughter bellowed and made him come alive. Win knew.

Win always knew the boy was attractive, girls definitely had a crush on Bright since they were in elementary school. Win just didn't think that's what he had. However, at sixteen, was definitely when Win realized that a crush was indeed what he had and why.

From that moment, figuring out he was gay was easy. Finding himself looking at handsome men and seeing them as sexually attractive while women were beautiful, but that's it, he wasn't sexually attracted.

He guessed that part was okay.

However, coming to terms with living it and talking about it was a different picture. It took him one year to tell his friends and another year before he had the courage to come out to his parents, but they kind of knew and thankfully were supportive.

He really couldn't blame them for knowing. He never had a girlfriend, not even showed interest.

Bright messed that up since he was seven, no girl had any chance, neither did other boys.

Win couldn't find himself going on a date with a guy since he found out about his sexual orientation two years ago. He just knew it wouldn't be fair since he would only compare them to Bright, and Bright to him always won.

Also, a date meant coming out and he wasn't ready, so no dates.

Now that the cat is out of the bag and his parents are with it, still, no dates because, BRIGHT...ALWAYS...WON.

Hence his current issue.

It's senior year and his crush blossomed into love. He knows it's love.

Love is the only way to describe the depth of his feelings because pining is an understatement, he burns for Bright.

(A/N: Yes, I watched Bridgerton).

He burns for Bright intellectually, physically and emotionally.

He knew everything there was to know about Bright, they were friends for a few years now, so he made it his mission to know everything at least respectfully in the bonds of friendship. Rather than as some obsessed stalker.

Of course, learning about Bright was done discreetly, he had years of practice and blossomed out of his shell so he wouldn't be afraid to talk to him.

When they first became close friends at sixteen, a few months after he learned he was gay, he was proud of himself when he could "act natural" in front of Bright.

However, he slowly became more comfortable with just being himself with Bright, thanks to his best friends, Khao, JJ, and Pleum.

Thinking back, joining Bright's friend group at sixteen wasn't even on purpose. Khao became close with Gun and Gun was one of Bright's best friends.

They hung out often and slowly their friend groups kind of meshed together when everyone would get invited to hang out, go to a party, drink, etc.

Win often thought about how it was a shame that he and Bright didn't become close until high school. I mean they were neighbors for goodness sakes.

Win would have loved being childhood best friends with Bright, but he was too shy to start a conversation and Bright never seemed interested in him.

Khao, Win, JJ, and Pleum were his crazy best friends. They always hung out together.

It used to be just Win and Khao, but JJ joined the picture when he moved to their school in the sixth grade and Pleum joined a year later in seventh grade.

They all helped Win to grow out of his shell and blossom and they were the first to know he was gay and the only ones who knew of his feelings for Bright.

Now it's senior year of high school and Win feels like crying because he is at the annual senior party at school with their friend group and Nevvy, the girl Bright is "talking" to just showed up wearing Bright's sweater.

The polyester sweater that Win adores the most.

The one sweater Bright let him borrow last year which he reluctantly returned.

Win remembers because it was for last year's winter party when they were juniors. He even remembers the exact date, December 3rd.

Their friend group all had a weekend sleepover at Brights. They had slept over the day before, would go to the winter party the next day, and come back and stay the night again. Win had packed a few shirts, pants, and other necessities like underwear and socks, but didn't pack a long-sleeved shirt.

His packed wardrobe would have been fine because it's always summer weather in Thailand, but it was the start of December and a cold front came in suddenly and he hadn't packed anything warmer than a few t-shirts.

Now Win could have just quickly run next door to his own home to grab what he needed, but Bright had kindly offered him his sweater and he wouldn't dare refuse.

Win had put it on and Bright even commented on how it looked better on Win than him.

That had made him blush. Sometimes Bright said the flirtiest things to him. Calling him cute and nick-naming him, bunny.

Sometimes winking at him, but Win knew never to look too much into it because Bright liked girls and didn't treat him like a love interest beyond his boyish flirting.

Sometimes Win would let himself dream of Bright having feelings for him, and boldly asking him out.

Most of these daydreams stemming from how Bright treated him differently than the rest of their friends.

Bright only jokingly flirted with him out of their friends, only winked at him, only called him cute, and gave him a cute nickname. Yet, Bright just did that. He never went beyond that.

Win sometimes hoped it meant Bright was bisexual, but Bright never "talked" with other guys like he did with Nevvy and his previous girlfriends. He never called a guy hot, like he did other girls.

He was super supportive of gay people, even his own gay best friend, Mike, so Win didn't think it was internalized homophobia.

Win found himself always analyzing their moments. He hypothesized that if Bright were to possibly date anyone out of their friend group, it would most probably be him.

Sometimes he even hoped that Bright had a secret crush on him, but at the end of the day he was just a friend and was still referenced as "bro" sometimes and the appearance of Nevvy made that hope dimmer substantially.

Also, bunny wasn't a frequent nickname, but a nice endearment that didn't remove him as a bro to Bright. Bright would call him bunny and in the same breath refer to some girl as hot and ask us "bros" what we thought of her. The exception only being Mike.

Win just knew he couldn't feel too special and over-analyze. Yet those moments of endearment still made his heart full.

However, looking at Nevvy currently wearing "the" sweater made his heartache.

Bright and Nevvy weren't an item yet, but Win was sure the whole school had recognized, just like him, that it was only a matter of time.

Win needed to look away but he didn't, he wanted a drink, but stayed put. Watching Bright look at Nevvy with those bright eyes.

She had entered with her friends and walked by their friend group. Win watched Bright's eyes as she walked by. He swore they were brighter than any moonlit sky.

(A/N: Didn't want to use "brighter than the blue sky," since Bright's eyes aren't blue. I also DON'T want to use all of the exact same wording, just some keywords).

Bright looked like he was mesmerized by the view of Nevvy and the pain Win felt at that made him want to disappear.

He felt that saying he wanted to die was dramatic, but he really wanted to be gone from this room, to just disappear. To not ever witness Bright liking someone more than him.

Why did he like her better than him?

Why Nevvy?

He quickly made his way to the drink table to grab a spiked punch. He knew the green cups at the back meant a spiked punch that was strong with vodka in it. Mentally thanking the girl that offered to secretly plan that and stay close to keep filling green cups with vodka.

Win was kind of a lightweight, so it wouldn't take too much to get him drunk.

He just needed to drown out everything and feel different. His heart ached and he just didn't want to feel it.

It was an hour later and he was buzzed, warm and loose. A type of drunk that isn't too drunk that he's not incoherent. He knew that to be fully drunk he would need another glass of punch, but he didn't reach for it.

Lost in his head.

He decides he still feels too much, leaning against the wall by the table, he slides down the wall and sits while resting his head in his hands. So frustrated by his thoughts and desires.

It was a small voice in the back of his head, but it kept getting louder. He wished he were her.

He wished he was Nevvy.

He even said it out loud to himself, "I wish I were...Nevvy." Finding it harder than normal to say her name.

That thought made him so angry. He hated himself at that moment.

He never truly wished to be anyone else before, but now, that thought made him feel insecure.

He knew he was better than this, but the jealousy was too real.

He felt sick, he was nauseous and ran out of the auditorium where the senior party was being held to make his way to the bathroom.

He entered the bathroom and tried to catch his breath. Once he calmed down, he didn't end up throwing up. It's like leaving the crowded room somehow made him feel better.

He decided to stay in there for a little bit and just calm down. He is experiencing high emotions and he didn't want anyone else to see him.

However, luck wasn't on his side. The door opened and in came the main cause of his emotions.

Bright walked in and quickly looked around.

Once he spotted Win, he walked over to him.

"Win, we were looking for you. We noticed you disappear from the room. Are you alright? You look flushed, bunny."

Win despaired on the inside because of the endearment and how it didn't mean as much as he wanted it to be.

Calming himself down, he nodded at Bright and replied, "Yeah just needed to escape the room, it was getting a bit crowded. I also was feeling a little nauseous."

Win saw concern wash over Brights face, but he looked away before he could over-analyze it.

Bright is caring, it's nothing more. It couldn't be since Nevvy made his eyes brighter.

Win turned and faced the mirror. He kept biting his lip, trying to not say anything and definitely overthinking until he heard a groan.

Still biting his lip, he looked up at the mirror and saw Bright looking at him through the reflection of the mirror. Win internally gasped because the way Bright was looking at him, specifically, his lips, almost made it seem as if he wanted Win.

But that couldn't be, because he never looked at him that way.

Win looks away again, but now, he can feel the burn of Brights stare.

He decides to speak and turns around to ask Bright if he has something to say, but instead, he feels warm lips crash onto his.

It takes Win a few seconds before he is kissing back hungrily, trying to grasp more, to possess more of Bright, to make the space between them non-existent.

He couldn't believe he was kissing Bright.

Win is so thankful he isn't too drunk because now he can remember the kiss. Besides the slight taste of vodka from the spiked punch, Win can finally taste Bright's kiss.

His kiss was even better than he could ever imagine. His beautiful carved lips were soft and sweet. Win knew he would never grow weary of the taste.

Bright had pushed his tongue in Win's mouth and Win had moaned while sucking his tongue. Win then fought for entry and was finally able to push his tongue in Bright's mouth.

Bright's mouth was a warm cavern. If his lips were sweet his mouth was sweeter. His mouth was soft and their kiss was growing messy. Win wanted to keep doing this. To taste him every day.

The kiss ended all too quickly and Win had no words. He almost pulled Bright back in for another kiss, but the way Bright's eyes were filled with panic made him stop that thought from becoming an action.

Bright apologized and before Win could say anything, he left the bathroom.

Win could still feel him on his lips and taste him.

Win wasn't sure what he would even say to Bright now.

Does he actually have a secret crush on me?

That kiss was sexually driven, could it mean what he thinks it does?

Win was more confused now.
He was smart and was always good at observing.

He decides to analyze.

In any other circumstance, he would have remained dazed from the kiss, but Bright's look of panic seemed to wake him up. Thus giving him the mental strength to analyze.

He started his mental analysis.

Out of the two looks Bright gave tonight, the one he gave Nevvy was romantic infatuation and the one he gave Win was from drunken lust.

Win knew the one that was more meaningful was the look of infatuation because it spoke of real feelings that held more promise.

While the look of lust tonight was flattering to Win, the one time Bright looked at him like that was while slightly drunk and drunken lust held no real promises.

Maybe it showed that Bright was truly attracted to Win and the alcohol made him braver, but it didn't reveal he loved Win like Win loved him. It held no promise that was truly important to Win.

From that analysis alone Win knew not to try and garner a confession from Bright and to save himself further heartache.

He wouldn't be able to deal with Bright forgetting or downplaying the kiss, or calling it a mistake and telling Win in person that he only liked Nevvy.

He also couldn't deal with ruining his friendship with Bright over a possibility.

Win would be devastated, so he followed his intellect.

But, he couldn't help but ask Bright in his head.

Why give me momentary hope?

Bright you like Nevvy, why kiss me?

I'm not even half as beautiful as her, so why?

Win knew he was cute as he is often called. Whether it's by guys or girls.

However, Nevvy is stunning, she is the most beautiful girl in school and one can't even hate her because she is also the nicest, most humble, and down to earth girl as well. She perfectly suits the most gorgeous guy in school, Bright.

So, he didn't think cute qualified him as even half as beautiful as her.

Win didn't hate Nevvy, truly he didn't, but after that kiss tonight with Bright, he kind of wished for her death, or for her to just disappear and not reappear around Bright...ever.

It is wrong and selfish, but he wants that in this specific moment.

Win sighs, hating his selfish thoughts. He starts pacing, he can still feel Bright on his lips and he decides to just leave the party altogether.

----

Winter break is coming up. It's much colder with more frequent cold fronts coming in and there has been some news buzzing at school. Bright and Nevvy are officially dating.

Win felt like shit. He never talked to Bright about the kiss.

He was correct not to because Bright avoided him for a while. Once Bright realized Win wasn't trying to approach him, Win noticed him stop avoiding him.

After he stopped avoiding Win a week later he and Nevvy became official.

The news made him cry his eyes out every night for weeks.

He knew it was stupid, but he still had hoped they wouldn't happen.

It was hard for Win. He sometimes avoided hanging out with their friend group. His best friends noticed, but didn't press him, they just let him know they were there for him.

They knew of his feelings for Bright.

Win still made an effort to greet Mike and Gun though when he saw them. Most often when Bright wasn't around. He needed to keep up appearances so no one would figure out something was wrong.

They would mention they hadn't seen him in a while with them and Win would smile and say, he was busy with some family thing.

They were immediately understanding and didn't press him.

Win felt bad for lying, but it helped keep them from suspecting him.

Weeks rolled into months and Win still found it hard to see Bright officially with Nevvy, but it began to slowly get easier seeing them in one place.

Bright was back to talking to Win again, but sometimes it felt a little forced. They never talked about the kiss, and Win felt their conversation was friendly enough.

However, there were no longer any sweet endearments. Win missed it, but he was thankful because hearing Bright call him bunny would have made him scream in heartache.

He could live with them being friends, that wasn't hard. At least not yet.

The hardest part was when Nevvy happened to join them or eat lunch with them on the days Win had decided to not avoid hanging out with their group.

It always made his blood boil because he agreed to stay, but she showed up and he had to pretend he was okay.

Win would see her hold Bright's hand while smiling at him and Bright put his arm around her shoulder. All the things he always wanted with Bright.

He would often remember the warmth of Bright's kiss, it haunted him, but seeing them so close together always made him feel cold and a little empty. Win felt like his stomach formed a pit that made him feel so alone. He truly ached.

Also, Win always had the same thoughts running through his head. All things that made him ache.

Why would you ever kiss me, Bright?

You gave her your sweater. The one that was special to me.

I guess you really do like her better.

I wish I were...

Did you like it? Please let me know in the comments and don't forget to leave a like. ❤️
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