Stumbled in Love!

Yeah, no amount of squinting in my entire life has worked until now. It was official. I was blind as a bat. Wait, are bats even blind? They aren't, are they? Now who the fuck came up with this ridiculous analogy. See what I mean about the declining intellect of the human race.

Anyway, to get back on topic, I am rather incoherently trying to acquaint everyone with the knowledge of my complete and utter blindness. And one might assume being conventionally disabled and all that would have lent me at least some sympathy in life, right? Wrong!
Cause let me tell you, we humans are a particularly shitty species. Especially twelve year old boys, desperately trying to search for their first sprout of mustache hair, wanting to badly prove their machoness while bullying poor little helpless blind kids. And I swear my sole memory of school would have ended up being tasting swirlies in the gross boy's toilets, if I didn't come along with my own personal saviour, aka Sol.
To be honest, I had long since stopped even keeping track of all the noses he had broken. In fact by the time we strutted our asses to high school I was famously known as someone with a pet hulk, ready to be unleashed the moment my bottom lip quivered in pain.

What was truly shocking throughout our school life was that even after having never lifted a finger myself, I was the one who people correctly stamped as the grouchiest grouch on the planet. Where as Sol, having had gone through uncountable fractures, was still famous for his gentle and kind persona. In fact the weird combination of brawn and heart made him oddly the most popular guy to the opposite sex. He truly must thank me for just how spectacular his romantic life really was.
I, on the other hand, seemed to have an extremely interesting dating history. And by interesting I obviously meant a non-existent one. I mean, it's not really a walk in the park to stroll up to a chick I have literally never seen before and ask her to go smoochy-smoochy with me in some abandoned parking lot, is it?

Hell, even a simple walk in the park wasn't a walk in the park for me at times. In fact I'm pretty sure the last date I have been on was when Sol set me up for a blind one, pun completely intended.

Slipping into the passenger seat as my 'date' picked me up, I distinctly remember feeling like a fistful of dead flowers were stuffed into my mouth as I kept choking on the saccharine sweet smell of her perfume.

And then there were her hands. Why the fuck were they so slimy? I mean salamander slimy. Like she had just gone for a scuba dive in fresh grease slimy. I literally had to hold her hands with both of mine to get a solid grip.

Or maybe I was actually holding on to them so tight cause they seemed to have this wayward habit of sliding up and down my thigh rather uninvitingly. Either she was an overly affectionate woman or I must be one hunky looking dude making her panties wet in all kinds of manners. It wasn't until after our rather mind numbingly boring dinner when instead of driving me home she decided to take us to the famous make out spot of our town, crawling her way out of her seat into my lap did I experience my very first kiss. Which was immediately followed by words I honestly never thought I would ever hear.

"Oh God! Kiss me. Kiss me harder. Ahh...blind guys turn me on so damn much."

Wait, what?

Is that even a thing?

Apparently it is, cause to this day, other than some freakish blind dude fetish, I can't explain why that random girl was sucking off a guy she had literally just met as he awkwardly kept flailing his arms and poking her in the eye.

Was that one blowjob worth never wanting to date again? Hell no! But here we are, four years later, lying awake all night in a brand new apartment, staring blankly into the void. I wonder why I am reminiscing these random old memories. Perhaps I was missing Sol more than I was prepared to accept. Not that I would ever tell him that of course. But somehow lying in my lonely apartment I couldn't help but wonder how this coming year would shape up.

And just as I was about to dive into a pseudo pensive mood where I pretend to contemplate the so called mysteries of life, that annoying as hell doorbell rang again.

Now who was it?

Seriously, was the universe just conspiring against me to not allow a single second of peace?

My mood already plenty grumpy after having stayed up most of the night, I stabbed the intercom button none too happily, snapping my frustrations at the faceless stranger on the other side of the door.

"What?"

"Is that seriously how you always answer the door?"

"You again? What was your name? Kong something."

"It's Kongpob. And yeah it's me again. Hi."

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Well, my boss made me come back. So, anyway about yesterday..."

"Made you? I don't see any strings tied on your limbs forcing you to walk up to my apartment and annoy the crap out of me."

Well, to be fair I couldn't see anything, but the man didn't need to know that.

"Unfortunately, for me my boss has figured out that holding my paycheck hostage is a lot more effective way to puppet me than strings. As I was saying, we got on the wrong foot yesterday so if we can..."

"Oh no, we got on exactly the foot that we should have, with mine firmly on this side of the door and yours marching away from my apartment. So can we please just get a repeat performance with you kindly buzzing the fuck off already."

And that's when I heard his exaggerated sigh of frustration. What the hell does he have to be frustrated about? It's me who has a creepster haunting his door trying to scam a supposed helpless man. Too bad for him, he doesn't know who he is up against.

"Seriously, Mr. Rojnapat, I really don't get what is your problem? You are the one who hired me after all. You have already paid for the month anyway."

"I have already paid for whatever you are selling?"

"I mean, I am not really selling anything but yeah, you have. That's why I don't understand why you keep trying to drive me away."

Eh? What new version of scamming was this?

"That's even better then. Now that you have been paid, let's just pretend our transaction is all done and complete and we can just go on about our day. Right? Good. So...bye, now."

"Ummm...well..."

"Now what?"

"Well, you see it's only my second day on the job, and I am still on probation with you being my very first client."

Client?

"So?"

"So I kind of have to please you enough to get you to sign up for next month too if I want to stay on the job."

Please me? What the fuck was he going on about?

"Listen here, Kong whatever, there will be no pleasing happening anywhere around here ever. Trust me, I'm as unpleasable as they come. Now are you planning to leave or should I..."

"No Mr. Rojnapat, I'm sure once you avail my services you will be thoroughly satisfied. I just need a chance to..."

Services?

Satisfied?

But thankfully before he could continue haunting my door any longer his phone rang. Muttering under his breath something about how he was running late again, he slammed a hand against my door in frustration.

"Fine! I will just be back tomorrow."

As I heard him march away I finally let out a breath I hadn't even known I was holding in. I'm sure I don't need to explain why I'm not thrilled about strange men knocking on my door telling me they wanted to provide their services to me. Breathing a sigh of relief that he was finally gone I began wondering how I should deal with him come tomorrow when I suddenly remembered Sol's words when he had called last week. Something about a surprise to make up to me for leaving for so long.

My feet instantly halting as a strange realization sunk in.

Don't tell me that idiot hired me a... a hooker?