Boyfriend With A Side Of Bitter.
“What’s wrong with me?”
Now, I get it, anything you start, from books to jobs, should be great, happy and overall moving to the human eye. But sometimes reality sucks you in and you just need to speak the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts.
And sometimes, not everything is great.
Now fair enough people’s lives are overall amazing but right now, that’s just not me.
So this is reality.
And sometimes, I just don’t want to live it.
I just feel as if I lost in a running race. Warn out and pretty much defeated and all they do is give you a sticker for trying. And everyone you know just kind of stops cheering awkwardly.
Yes, I’m very much feeling defeated.
I’m writing a book. And the document is blank.
I have a boyfriend. I haven’t seen him or heard from him in weeks.
Now, I have a reason for not being with my boyfriend. He can be kind. But most of the time he can be pushy. Trying to make me do things that I can’t do. Now fair enough, a little nudge is good. But sometimes the nudge was unnecessary. He shouts a lot and I can’t do anything wrong. Blossom, get to the point.
He tried to take my virginity.
Now, that’s a story for another time. But, in brief: Kissing went too far and I had to slide through his arms after telling him that we can’t a few times. In a way, it was a complete blur yet it is still a vivid memory. He has called me a few times but I’m too scared to answer. Yes, he can get scary.
I suppose I also feel like I have to be everywhere to impress people.
If I’m being honest, I just feel like my head is spinning and I’m taking life, fifty steps closer from being one step further! I’m just in a whirlpool of emotions and I’m not sure how to fix any of it. What do I do--
“Blossom? Earth to Blossom?” Emma says with her hand hovering over my face.
“Blossom Harriet!” She snaps, taking me out from my abstractions.
“Hmm,” I mumble rubbing my eyes, adjusting to the real world. To be completely honest, I would prefer for the world to just suck me whole, right here right now. Please.
“Honestly girl, I’ve been just sitting here for like, ten minutes just waving my arms around like a looney,” She is a looney, a complete looney “You looked like a paralysed goose!” She chuckles at her own words, slapping her knee.
“My life is over!” I mumble, hugging my teddy-bear whilst descending to my bed, lying there, staring at the ceiling.
I mean, I wasn’t lying!
Emma hurries to the door, leaving me here with my own thoughts. My terrible, terrible thoughts.
I brush my thoughts aside, as I hear Emma make a hurricane of noise from the front door.
“He’s here, Bloss!”
I spring to my feet, dropping the bear. It’s him. James Lamb is at my door ste--
More like in my room.
I think I’m going to puke.
“Oh god.” I sigh descending back down on my bed, facing my back to him. I feel my face go a tomato colour. Sickly.
“What’s wrong, Blossom?” He places himself on the bed next to me, sending shivers down my spine.
Oh please, earth, suck me whole. I really don’t feel like talking to him.
I just want to burst at him. Burst into hot flames. And to be fair, I feel I have every right to. After what he tried to do, I feel I have the right to shout at him. But then he could just pin me against the bed screaming back, that’s when I’d really wanted to get sucked whole. Just looking at him makes me speechless. He makes me feel like I’m truly powerless.
Yes. This is why I’m so stressed.
Maybe I should just break up. But then again, he could come running back and I really don’t have time for that, my schedule is tight as it is.
Should I just lash out at him?
Or should I just conceal myself?
I mean, I’m not scared of him.
Maybe I’ll conceal for a while longer.
I suppose I’m a little scared...
I decide to ignore him, I mean I didn’t decide to, I just didn’t know what to say. Like I said speechless. He slaps my thigh making me cold, almost to the point where I shiver.
Maybe I shouldn’t have stayed in my oversized violet jumper, with girl boxers on.
I feel my body boil inside as he keeps touching me, leaving me stressed and angry. I feel my body about to lash out for every right reason. Should I go for it?
“Why are you here? I didn’t invite you! I didn’t want you here! You can’t walk into my room like it’s your own, because it’s not!” Did I make any sense? I don’t think so.
“Woah there babe, chill.”
Okay, I feel like made a little more sense now...
“Who the Hell do you think you are to tell me to fucking chill. Don’t you even go there! I get treated like fucking dog shit by you and it’s not fair!” here I go again ”Who the hell do you think you are, walking your self around my goddamn house, into my bloody room? Huh? I’m NEVER allowed to go near your room, even if you’re there with me, I’m not allowed at your front door unless you’ve invited me! So don’t even think you have permission to walking like your everything. Because you’re not!”
Did I go too far?
Oops there I go again...
“I hate you!”
Now, I’ve said too much.
I cover my mouth in shock at what just came out. I feel like loads of weight just got released and plummeting down on him. It makes me feel a whole lot better though.
The room falls into an awkward silence.
Confidence overtakes me like never before. I walk up to him. “Look,” I say in a shaky voice, my heart trembling by the second. I pull his leather jacket together “James, I can’t do this anymore.”
More awkward silence. My confident, cocky side fades away. I don’t dare to look up at his face, so I just look at our feet, me in fluffy socks, him in whatever those trainers are called “I’ve been thinking,” I feel my face go red like Santa’s hat “James,”
Why am I struggling to say it? My words are as if they are tripping out of my mouth.
Say it Blossom, nothing to lose.
Other than him.
“James,” SAY IT BLOSSOM “I’m breaking,” My breath because shorter and tighter as if someone removed all the air from the room, whilst demon butterflies dance around in my stomach. “I’m breaking up with you.”
He looks at me with anger in his eyes, with a slight taste of hostility too.
This can’t be too good.