This Time I'm Ready To Run.

Travel To The Past

I wake up to the sound of knocking at the door. And I’m in my home it’s almost alien to me. Bloss, sorry to tell you, it’s Emma’s parent’s home, not yours.

I hear the birds outside, singing their songs as the luke-warm sun shines on my bed. The clouds are quick to cover the atmosphere as the glow I was laying in, goes away. I lay awake for a few more seconds before realising that someone needs to open the door. I guess Lucus and Emma aren’t home so I have to do it.

I sweep my legs off the edge of the bed, the cool air colliding against my skin as I tiptoe downstairs and swing open the door.

Harry.

“Harry?”

“Blossom” He smiles. That’s a surprise.

I look at the clock behind me. 9 am. “Harry, you’re...” I look at him. “Not waking me up at 7 o’clock in the morning.” I smile. It is a surprise. I can’t remember one time he woke me up later. I know he’s an early bird as he passes my room each morning to go downstairs to do early-bird stuff.

I let him in. “Love, I’m sorry about the other day,” I look at him. I thought we’re over that. Well no, we weren’t I guess. Bloss, you leaving doesn’t mean the problem’s over. “Hope you’re feeling better, you okay?”

“I’m fine thanks. I’ve just been getting on with my book,”

“How are you getting on with it?” He asks.

“It’s... going,” I reveal.

“You’re really not going to tell me about the book are you?” I mean, at least I can keep a few secrets. Some bigger than others but that’s beside the point. He snickers and gives me a brief yet warm hug that I wish could’ve lasted longer.

“Nope, you can find it out for yourself when it comes out,” I explain. I lead him into the living room and smile. “So, how come you came over?” I’m not complaining but he must have a reason.

“To see you,” That is not a convincing answer. That’s equivalent to saying ′ why did you come to the amusement park?′ ‘because I wanted to look at the rides.’ I mean, I already know he was most likely here for me, but why is he? I wouldn’t be here for me.

I laugh. “That can’t be your only reason,” I wait for him to answer. All he does is look at me and does a weak smile. He’s telling the truth. “You can’t be serious, right?” I question. Nope, he’s completely serious. Butterflies appear in my empty, hungry stomach. I scrunch up my nose and go red like a rose. That rhymed, I should be a poet. No, Bloss, please don’t.

Anyways, sometimes, he is too nice. One day I’ll repay him.

I look to the side distracting myself with the floor. “So,” I smile “I’ve got a job interview tomorrow.” I smile. His face lights up. “At a cafe, just to earn some money,”

“Love that’s amazing,” He smiles. “What time is it?”

“I need to be there by 10 am” He smiles “What about you?”

“What about me?” He asks.

“I mean, we’ve been talking about me, what about you?”

“Me?” I nod. “Urm..” he says “I need to babysit for a friend of mine tomorrow and I think that’s it,”

“Harry,” I say quietly “have you done anything about the pictures? Not as if you can change it but you and Jeff have something worked out, right? Or maybe not, I’m just overthinking, aren’t I? I mean either was I guess it’s okay because my face wasn’t shown but I feel like if I’m not careful then one day they’ll know everything about me and I kind of don’t want that,” He smiles. Rambling, again. I don’t understand why he needs to laugh at it, it’s just another one of my many flaws.

“Right now, there isn’t much to do,” I look down to the cross on his hands, “We just need to be careful for now. They’ll soon forget about it.”

I smile and nod. I watch him talk about everything and nothing. The joy in his eyes as he laughs. The way his jaw moves every time he speaks. The way he looks at me with his green, crystal eyes. “My Dad would of love you,” I say thoughtlessly, making my jaw clench a little. I need to learn how to keep things in my head.

He looks at me and smiles, cheeks going pink. His cheeks went pink. Never thought I’d see it happen. Wow. And I made it happen. He then starts to play with his ring, eye contact cracking a bit.

I feel like I need to explain. “He’d find you funny, he’d like your kindness,” I smile. My palms go sweaty as I continue speaking “You’d be good friends I think,” I smile, disregarding the fact that my face is gone a shade of pink.

He returns with a smile. “How is he?”

My heart sinks. Guilt overtakes me and a single thread is keeping me from breaking right in front of him. “I- I honestly don’t know,” I say timidly.

“Love, I’m sorry, we don’t have to-”

“No, no, It’s fine,” I strain my lips. I try to gain my strength back, it doesn’t work. I hold back my tears heart wanted to burst, not wanting Harry to feel bad. “I haven’t seen him for years,” The thread is getting thinner and thinner. Harry can tell I’m breaking, I think.

“I’m sorry, love,” I look down at his cross tattoo again as I feel as if I have nowhere else to look. “Love, you can talk to me whenever you’d like, okay? Only if you want to?” He asks. My lip wobbles as more tears fill my eyes. Everything around goes blurry, but I can’t move. I can’t talk.

I feel paralysed.

I force a nod. He moves over to me hugging me tightly, his hands in my hair and the other rubbing my back. I cannot thank him enough. I hug him back. I lean my head on him and hold on as if my life depends on it, as that’s all I can do.

“He’s a businessman from Portsmouth. He moved with me and my,” I catch my breath “mum to New York, as soon as I was old enough, I moved back to England.” Tears pour down my face “I miss him so much, but moving away was my only option at the time,”

He’s a good listener. Maybe he’s trying to take in the information? No, I doubt it, it wasn’t much information for him to take in though it has taken me years to do so. We sit there in silence, the only sound being made is the cars going past every few minutes.

Like I’ve said before, I hate libraries but silence like this is the best. It’s like communicating without saying a word. It is the best thing to do. Ever.

The door bursts open as Emma and Lucas breaks the silence entirely. Thank’s Ems. I wipe the tears from my face and arise from Harry’s arms as Emma and Lucas walk into the living room.

“Hey guys, it’s nice to see you,” She says with a bright grin on her face. “It’s freezing outside!”

“Good morning Ems,” I smile back. All I need to do is pretend that I haven’t been crying in Harry’s arms for a while then I can go back to normal. Simple.

“You and Harry got together yet?”

“Emma!”

“Totally in love,” I roll my eyes as she makes her way back out the door “See you later,” And she’s back out the door.

“Let’s go out,” Harry says already leading me out of the house.

“Where?” I smile. I just realised that I don’t have my shoes on. I’m still not dressed, hair not done. “Wait Harry I haven’t gotten re-”

“Love you look fine,” He smiles, taking me to the car. Emma was right, it is cold.

He gets on the other side of the SUV and looks at me. “Love, no one’s looking and even if they did, it wouldn’t be a bad thing,” I blush profusely. My face will fall off. “Plus, just because we’re going out, doesn’t mean we’re going to any particular place.”

“Then where are we going?”

“Nowhere,” He answers.

I’m so confused.

“Then why are we in your car?”

“Love, we’re going anywhere we want to go. Not any particular place, not necessarily anywhere special. Just anywhere the road leads to.”

“But Harry that could be anywhere!”

“Exactly.”


We arrive in an area with dead trees and puddles everywhere you turn. Just how beautiful it’d look in spring and summer. “Wow.” I look around everywhere I’ve already seen “Wow,” Blossom you’ve already said that. “So, this is where the road wanted is to go?” Blossom, that was so cheesy to the point that I want to shrivel up in a ball as if I never existed.

I try to disregard the fact I should get an award for being the most cringiest girl in the universe and try to focus on anything else other but that. But I don’t. I can’t. I give myself a faceplant and I hold my hand there for as long as possible just so I don’t have to see anywhere.

Harry chuckles “Yeah,” my arm is starting to ache “Love, it’s okay,” I uncover my eyes and run behind a tree as quietly as possible, of course, the wet, splodgy leaves think otherwise and make me sound like a monster.

From there, I turn around and there’s this built-on wooden platform with bannisters looking off to the amazing view of birds flapping their wings and the countryside far ahead with thousands and thousands of purple flowers. This height is nothing to be scared about because the view is the most amazing view to ever exist. Ever.

Over and over again, I glaze my eyes over the view taking in every single detail again and again. It’s as if no one’s here anymore just me the view and the birds.

After moments of staring, I make my way back to Harry who is in his own little world too. He’s sat on his car and he seems to be in deep thought.

So, I sit beside him.

He is the only source of warmth around this area and my pyjamas aren’t keeping me warm at all. I try to find out what he’s looking at which is rather trees or in his own head. “Harry,” I whisper. We look at each other in unison. “I’m really cold, I’m going to freeze,” He smiles at me “Can we go back?”


“Harry, no one’s home!”

I try again to open the door with no success. “Are any windows open?”

“Harry why would we keep any windows open?” I ask.

What are we going to do? Emma’s messaged me that she’s staying at Lucus’ and I left my key indoors.

I go over all the possible, legal options and I find there’s only two.

’1. Cry at the doorstep until she arrives back which will most likely be in weeks.

or 2. Take Harry’s offer to stay the night at his.

Now, don’t get me wrong, being with Harry is great. He is a great person and I have no problems with him. But, I have my laptop in there and I may not have as much time to get ready for the job interview tomorrow.

But, my only other option is just staying at the doorstep. And, when Ems says she’s staying the night, she means having a mini holiday there. And I wouldn’t have any food and I’m in my pyjamas and I will get cold and lose all sanity.

I turn to Harry.

Without a word, he smiles. He knows that he’s won. He opens the car door for me and drives me to his.

The reason I don’t always want to say yes to these offers is that I want my own life too. My own life where I just write my book, sleep and-

I guess I don’t have much of a life.

Ouch.

“You want anything from the shop?”

“Harry, don’t you have stuff at yours?” He smiles and nods.

We stop off at the hillside, the stars and clouds overtaking the night sky. Just me, him and the moon.

“Harry where are we?”

“Close to my house,” He smiles.

It starts to rain. Pour. Shower. Heavily. I look at him and do a mischievous smile. “Love, what are y-” Before I hear the end of the sentence I open the car door and release myself out in the cool rain. Everythings a blur happening so quickly yet I would never want it to change. I stand in front of the car and spread my arms out, getting devoured by the night.

I look up at the clouds with stars in-between as I hear the rain slapping the floor, the wind blowing the trees, making a rustling sound. It’s so loud yet so peaceful and I wish I could freeze this moment in a frame and stay like this. It’s simply perfect. My clothes become transparent. I turn to face Harry whos still in the car. Body already drenched, Harry smiles. I stick out my tongue, smiling back.

Maybe this is fresh.

He shakes his head once again and runs out of the car, letting the rain soak him.

“Robin,” He says, over the rain.

I immediately stop dancing in the rain. From what I know, Robin is his stepdad who passed away. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to do more than cry. I feel truly powerless and empty as I know and can tell he is an amazing man. Let alone what Harry’s gone and is going through. I haven’t met Robin but Harry’s family adored him.

“June 20 2017,” He says.

I’m presuming that’s when he died.

My heart drops to the floor and sadness filled me up inside. My eyes start welling with tears. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Blossom,” He sits down on the wet concentrate and I follow.

I look down at my laps. “Harry, we don’t need to talk-”

“I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know where to go from here.” He looks at me. “Blossom.” My face drops, lower than it is already. I feel so much empathy from him, I can tell he’s hurt and I feel absoulty honoured for me to be the one he turns to, though I will have nothing to say except from sorry. If I can change the past I would but that’s simply not life. Believe me, I’d change everything. “I don’t know who I am.”

I look into his tearful eyes. “I wish I could’ve said goodbye one last time,” His voice cracks. I hear the pain when he speaks and I’ll never be able to feel as bad as him. “Just to see him happy and well. To hear his voice,”

I feel truly powerless.

“Harry, you’re Harry,” I say in calmness.

“I don’t know who he is anymore. There are so many Harrys and I’m just one of them.” I look at his side profile, a tear rolling down his wet cheek. “I’m not me anymore, Bloss. To so many people I’m Harry Styles the man who left a successful boyband. There’s the friend’s me where I can act crazy. Then there’s a family me where I’m just a boy from Cheshire again.”

I watch his silhouette, another tear rolling down his cheek “Then there’s a you me."

My cheeks go red. Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt him? “I’m sorry I- um..” I can’t even finish my sentences. I look at my lap, trying not to cry or feel embarrassed as the night’s downpour trickles down my body. “What do you mean, Harry?” I ask.

“That’s the point, Bloss.” I wait for him to continue as the rain pours harder. “I don’t know who this you me is. It makes me feel... alive.” My lips part as I watch him shake his dark, wet hair. “I don’t know what the feeling is.”

“Harry, I- I don’t understand,” I do. I understand. I don’t know why but I feel the same. I will say over and over again that I don’t but in reality, I do.

He finally looks at me with his weak, upset eyes and gives me a weak smile. “Don’t worry, love. I’m talking out of my ass,” My cheeks pink, I take his hand and takes me to an open space. He then takes my other hand. “I just want to say thank you.”

My cheeks turn pinker as lightning strikes in the night sky. I flinch and hide my face away from the sky. Didn’t expect that. I don’t think he’s talking out of his ass. What he said was one of the most truthful and hard things anyone could say and it means a lot for me to be the one he tells it to. Not because I’m greedy but because everyone, including me, needs someone to talk to. I don’t respond do Harry. I don’t feel the need to. In honesty, I don’t know how to.

Harry’s broken. I don’t do fixing as nobody should change you. You should be changing yourself. I’m not going to fix him. I’m helpless. So all I do is hug him, nuzzling my face in his neck. He hugs me back, doing the same. I could stay like this for days. Just stay here. I wish time just stopped.

“When I’m clueless and upset,” I whisper “I’ve always wished somebody was there for me. But nobody was,” I take a short pause, thinking of what to say next “I’ll be your somebody.” I stay there, feeling a smile appear on him snd I hold him for longer.

Letting the rain drench us. Lighting strikes once again, making me tighten my hold. It’s hard to think of what to do. He’s clearly hurt and I don’t know how to respond other than this. I smile and loosen our hold. “We should probably get back,” He smiles. He takes my pruney hands and leads me back to the warm, dry car.

As he starts leaving, there’s a short silence, quickly interrupted by me. “Harry?”

“Blossom.”

I smile. “Where did you get the idea of driving to nowhere?” I ask out of curiosity.

He smiles wholeheartedly. I know that whatever he’s going to say, it’s going to be with passion.

“Well, when the boys and I had free time in between tours we were rather be sleeping, recording or doing nothing” He checks the road “So we decided that we need to do something whilst waiting for the next show,” he turns “I suppose it was because we were so used to doing everything always. To the point when we’d do nothing, it wasn’t normal for us. I guess that’s another reason we’re taking a break.”

“One Direction?”

“Yeah, One Direction. So we just wanted something to do. As I said we were rather sleeping or doing nothing, being bored out of our minds. We just started driving anywhere we could whenever we were up for it.”

“You really enjoyed it there didn’t you?” I ask.

“I really did.” I let him continue “I loved all the boys it was like having brothers everywhere. The fans were amazing and just seeing what they could do was amazing too. The boys are always my favourite guys. Sometimes it didn’t feel like a job, though it was fun, it was just a blur a lot of the time,” I smile at him smiling “I miss all of them. I love them all. But it was exhausting!”

I can tell he has a passion for this stuff. I can tell he loves the boys. I can tell he loves his job.

I hope I can say the same if I get hired tomorrow.

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