Just close your eyes, the sun is going down. You’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now. Come morning light. You and I’ll be safe and sound.
I wiped my sweaty hands at the sides of my oversized hoodie as I open the door of the coffee shop. I told Hwanwoong and Geonhak to go ahead because my boyfriend texted me to go to the coffee shop next to our college.
Everyone could tell I was nervous and maybe a bit scared about what’s going to happen now. My stomach felt like it turned upside down when I saw the text and right now I feel like I need to puke. Maybe I’m overreacting but how do you turn negative thoughts off?
“Come after class to Berries. We have to talk.” that was what he wrote.
The first thing that comes to someone’s mind when they hear “we have to talk” is a break-up.
But he wouldn’t do that right?
We love each other and have been in a relationship for two years now.
We started dating after a school project we were assigned to. It was quite romantic at that time but lately, things seemed to change.
Very cliched if you ask my friends but I love our little love story.
As I look through the room I finally see him sitting in our usual corner. But his expression makes the bad thoughts come back. He frowns, eyes fixed on his phone with a cold stare. I could feel the tensed atmosphere surrounding him
I sat down right in front of him.
After some time of silence between us, he looks up into my face.
“I....thought about everything and... I know you’re going to hate me after this but I feel like I should tell you because I can’t keep it to myself anymore and-”
“Please come to the point.” I accidentally cut his words. I really need to calm down I thought.
“Let’s break up” Jiwoo muttered.
“Excuse me what?” I laughed nervously, hoping I didn’t hear him right.
" I don’t think we’re meant to be you know? I mean we are dating for what? Two years? And still, you don’t trust me enough to-”
“Wait. You’re not going to break up with me just because I don’t want you to fuck me after two years?...you do know that I’m not that kind of person and I just don’t want to rush things. You were the one telling me “I will wait for you until you’re ready” so that was just to sound sweet and caring?” My face started to heat up as I got more insecure on the inside but mad at the outside.
“We didn’t even really kiss! I am a man, I have desires. You can’t give me what I need, so I have to move on.” he said angrily.
“We did kiss but I don’t know why those things are more important to you than my feelings. We could’ve talked about it without breaking up.” I snapped back.
“I just don’t want to waste more money and time on someone I don’t love.”
At that moment I feel my heart breaking in my chest. It hurts so much that I nearly broke into tears. I swallowed down my tears and packed my stuff.
" You know what? Stay away from me as far as you can. I don’t want your text messages, I don’t want to see or hear you and now fucking leave my life. Thanks for wasting my time and using me like a toy. I won’t beg you to stay or crawl back to you if I feel lonely. Don’t worry!” I accidentally raised my voice. With the attention of all the customers in this shop, I could feel their eyes burn into my skin.
It was embarrassing for me. I hate to show bad emotions or crying in public...
I didn’t know what else to do so I left the shop as fast as I can and ran where ever my steps lead me to.
Turns out ‘where ever’ is my Dorm.
I open the door to hear the excited screams of hwanwoong and Keonhee playing games with each other in the living room. I can smell some food scent from the kitchen, so I assume that Youngjo is making dinner. I don’t want them to see my red puffy eyes and worry about me, so I keep my head down, close the door quietly, take off my shoes and go up in my room without them noticing.
I sigh as I take off my jacket and throw my bag into the corner of my room. I can feel the tears streaming down my face again, so I give in. I don’t have the strength to fight against them anymore, so I just slide down my door and put my head in my cold hands. My head feels hot and I feel pressure in my head. Warm tears streamed down my cheeks, falling into my lap.
The room is filled with nothing but my sobs and sniffles.
He didn’t love me? All those sweet moments, the cute letters, dates, everything was just a lie? Am I that blind? How could I not see that I was just his toy? Trapped in his game...
I was always by his side when he needed me.
I didn’t want anything in return because all I want for him is to be happy but that still fucking hurts.
I try to regularize my breath as I feel the door opening and crashing against my back.
“Ouch” I hear my cracked voice. Oh no.
“Seoho Hyung are you oka- are you sitting in front of the door?” I can hear Dongju talk as he slams the door again against my back.
“Yes, gosh. stop that hurts” I replied and slide away from the door.
“Why-” he stops as he looks into my face and crouches down immediately.
“Hyung why are you crying? W-what happened?” He stuttered worried and cups my face with his hands. “Can I not tell you and we forget about it? Just...allergies or something... Why did you come up here?” I asked with a more soft voice and stood up. He looked at me completely confused. “... I was going to tell you dinner is ready.... And wanted to steal your phone charger.....but... Are you sure that you are okay? Should I tell youngjo Hyung? I bet he can help you!”
“I can help Seoho with what?..wait...did you cry? What happened?”
“God damn it nothing happened let’s go eat dinner” I put on a mask because I don’t want them to see my weakness. I’m their mood maker, not their trouble maker.
---- at the dining table ----
Awkward silence and the sound of eating.
Keonhee and Youngjo are having a normal conversation about how their day was, Dongju and I are focussing on our food and I don’t know what Hwanwoong and Geonhak are doing but I think that’s where the awkward silence and the weird atmosphere is coming from.
“Are you guys okay?” I blurted out while food filled my cheeks.
My question seemed to get the attention of everyone on the table but I’m still looking at Hwanwoong and Geonhak.
The younger started brushing and stuffed some food in his mouth. I guess he won’t tell me what happened.
“You’re blushing? Now? Aww, what happened after I left you two?” I giggled and reached over to pinch his cheeks.
I turned to Geonhak to do the same, but he slapped my hand away, as expected, and smirked.
“Do you want me to hunt you now or later?” Oh shit.
“Wait let me swallow my food,” I mumbled, swallowing my food. I stood up and started to get some distance from him.
“Do you have to do this every time?” Youngjo sighed, rubbing his temples frustrated.
“What do you think? Seoho or Geonhak?” I heard Keonhee whisper while smiling at Dongju.
“I think this time Geonhak Hyung is going to win” he answered.
“You two still bet? I thought you stopped after Keonhee lost his earphones to you.” Hwanwoong questioned.
I wanted to hear the rest of the conversation but chose not to as I saw Geonhak running in my direction.
I could escape until I slipped on a sock and fell to the ground. I heard laughter behind me and then felt fingers tickle my sides. It was funny until he pinched them and it began to hurt a bit.
The room was filled with Laughter from everyone and my funny screams.
That sounds alone make me feel at home and forget what happened.
They make me feel at home.