I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you; but instead, I am deeply honored knowing that you spent the rest of your life with me.
“Grief can make us seem very selfish; focusing only on the people we lost. Ignoring our loved ones around us, not aware of the hurt and loss. We miss events, parties and get togethers. We stare blank at people when they speak. Life totally feels dark and bleak. It isn’t that we don’t care. It isn’t that we don’t want to take part. We just need time to adjust and learn how to live with a broken heart.”
Hoseok looked up at Ciara as he finished reading, promptly folding the paper and putting it back into his coat pocket. “I found that on Wednesday after our session. I googled a few things and that quote basically tells everything that I’m not strong enough to say out loud.”
Ciara smiled as she wrote down in her notebook. She swallowed, trying not to tear up at what he had just read. That saying was actually perfect. Once she left the office today, she was going to reach out to her parents and apologize for how she’s been so withdrawn.
“Hoseok, you’re making excellent progress,” she said while smiling. “Don’t say you’re not strong enough to share with anyone. You share your problems with me.”
“Yeah, because I have to. And it’s basically your job, so,” he muttered then coughed. “I’m sorry, that was rude and disrespectful.”
“Not at all, Hoseok. Remember, my office is a place to let all of your frustrations out. As long as you’re not hurting yourself or becoming violent towards me, you’re good here. But thank you for apologizing anyway.”
Hoseok nodded and opened his journal. He had two entries now and now that he was on the third, it was getting easier to let out his emotions on paper. Soon, he’d be ready to share what he’s written down in here.
“Do you like having that journal,” Ciara asked as she watched him rub his hands across it. “Have you been able to write any?”
“I have. I’ve written twice now. I used both front and back. It’s helping me let loose of some of the anger and hurt I’m feeling.”
“I’m glad it’s helping you. If you continue being this comfortable with putting your emotions into that,” she said as she motioned towards the journal, “Then when we go to Japan in two weeks, I’d feel completely okay knocking you back to only two sessions a week.” Ciara reached into her bag for a small card and scribbled her number on it. “This is my private cellphone number. If for some reason you have a hard time over the next two weeks and it’s not a session day, call me. We can talk over the phone or schedule skype sessions. My calendar is completely clean for the immediate future, so don’t be afraid to reach out. I know your concerns with the other members about burdening them with your pain, which you are not by the way, so if you need to let it loose on someone, call. Any time day or night.”
Hoseok took the card and looked at her number. He put the card in his pocket and nodded. “Thank you.”
Ciara jotted down a few more things before turning to look up at the clock. “We have a few more minutes before our session ends, what’s the next thing to write about in your journal?”
Hoseok flipped to the page and smiled. “It’s about a happy time. I need to write about the time I first said I Love You.”
“I can see the smile on your lips, Hoseok. You will fill the page up tonight,” Ciara smiled. “Okay, I don’t want to damper the mood, but I must ask this. Have you been to the cemetery since she died?”
Hoseok gulped and hug his head. “No, it’s been too hard. I just- I just don’t want to be vulnerable out in the open like that.”
Ciara completely understood where Hoseok was coming from. She had only went to Jasper’s grave twice since he was buried. She didn’t want the world to see how broken she was either.
“Do you have plans to?”
Hoseok nodded and then sighed, immediately grabbing onto the chain that held Mina’s promise ring. “This weekend will be seven months since she’s passed. I feel like I need to go.” The grip he had on the chain tightened. “I’m afraid.”
“There’s no need to be afraid, Hoseok. If you don’t want to be alone, couldn’t you ask the others? I know I’m not supposed to mention anything from their sessions, but from what I’ve gathered, they all cared about her very much.”
“Sometimes I think they loved her more than me,” he smiled and then lightly laughed. Ciara smiled and wrote down in her book: progress is being made. “Taehyung and Mina were born the exact same day, year. Mina was exactly twenty seconds older than Tae and was born six feet away from him. I remember that day vividly. We couldn’t believe it, but when Mina’s mom met Taehyungs mom, they remembered each other. There was even a picture of the two as newborns. It was really funny. Taehyung and Jimin, the joke about them is they are soulmates, but then here came Mina so they had their own little triad. I was just along for the ride.”
Ciara laughed. Genuinely laughed. This session ended up being more successful than the last. She could see the potential in Hoseok that he would come out of this stronger than ever. Maybe this time she could be stronger too.
It was finally Saturday. A sunny Saturday. The birds were chirping, the flowers were in full bloom; people were smiling and enjoying the nice day. Except for Hoseok. He got up, dressed in his nicest outfit and then the nerves set in.
He was finally seeing Mina after seven months. He wouldn’t be alone though. His brothers would be joining him; they all wanted to pay their respects to their lost friend. The all decided to ride together today, no manager, just their driver and a bouquet of white lilies. When the entered the cemetery and started the walk to Minas grave, Hoseok stopped in his tracks, hand immediately going to Mina’s promise ring. Jungkook stopped and turned, walking back to his hyung as the others stopped a few feet up.
“I-I can’t do this,” he said as he felt his throat closing up. “I thought I could, but I can’t Jungkook. I-I-”
Jungkook crushed him into a hug as he felt Hoseoks warm tears wet his shirt. “Shhhh, we’re right here beside you, Hobi hyung. We’ll be right here with you.”
Hoseok looked up at Jungkook, tears still heavy in his eyes. “It hurts.”
“I know,” Jungkook said as he pulled Hoseok along. He gripped the olders hand tightly in his as they made their way to Minas final resting place. When they found her stone, Hoseok stood stone still. He couldn’t believe that the girl he loved so much, was six feet below.
“What do I do,” he asked while looking at the others. The flowers were still in his hand. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Talk to her,” Yoongi said while placing his hand on Hoseoks shoulder. “I know she’s listening. She’s probably saying now ‘why are you just standing there, Hobi wobi, don’t look at me like that’.”
Hoseok laughed. “You’re probably right.”
“Do you want us to give you some privacy?”
“No,” he said as kneeled down in front of her headstone. “Stay. All of you stay.”
They nodded and took a few steps back, still giving him some sort of space.
“Hey, baby,” Hoseok said as he placed the flowers on the slab. He felt the tears well up more as he looked at the small picture attached to the headstone. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here. I just couldn’t bring myself to. I think it’s mainly because I don’t want to accept that your gone.” He looked up at the sky and closed his eyes as a cool breeze ruffled his hair. “I can feel you here,” he whispered. “This wasn’t how our life was supposed to go, was it? You know, we’d be married now. Probably annoying everyone with our cheesiness as always.”
The group laughed as Hoseok got more comfortable.
“I think that’s what I miss during days like this. You know how I am. Always in my head, worrying too much about things I can’t change. I’ve been struggling, Mina. So hard,” his voice broke as the tears freely fell. “God, I miss you so much. There are days where I just feel like ending it all, but I can’t. I know you wouldn’t want that. If that did happen, too many people would be hurting like I am now. I can’t do that. I never want anyone to feel this pain. I’m talking to a therapist about all of my dark thoughts. I’m only three sessions in and I can see what I’ve been doing to everyone. I can see what I’ve been doing to myself. I will get better, Mina. For you and for me. There’s so much I want to say, but I don’t know how to put it into words. I know this though, with 100% of my heart. I love you and will always love you forever. Until I see you again, baby.”
When Hoseoks lips touched the stone, he let out an uncontrollable sob; he lungs hurt, he couldn’t catch his breath, but he welcomed the pain. He needed to cry. He was determined to leave as much sadness as he could behind and start fresh. From this day forward, he’d work to bettering himself and working on every relationship he’s strained. He wasn’t ready to face her parents yet, but it was time to face his own. Face his sister; and tell them how sorry he was for everything.
Yoongi kneeled down beside him and put his arm around his shoulder, then placed his free hand on her headstone. One by one, they all joined Hoseok in a hug and placed a hand on the headstone, all saying their own messages to their eighth member of their circle.
Taehyung was torn to pieces, but whenever the tears started to fall, Jungkook interlocked their fingers and squeezed, letting him know it would be alright.
Once they all dried their tears and stood, they took a turn placing an flower to go with the ones that Hoseok placed.
“She would love these,” Hoseok said as he leaned into Yoongi’s shoulder. “She’d also tell us to stop all the fucking crying.”
They all laughed and headed back to the van, each one feeling lighter than before. Hoseok scanned each grave, some adorned with flowers and little gifts, some bare. The group shuffled down a small path with the sobs of a woman stopped them in their tracks. They didn’t want to invade the womans privacy, but when she stood up, kissed the headstone and whispered, “I’ll love you until my last breath, baby,” they overheard her.
“We should leave,” Namjoon said as he motioned toward the van. The woman had her head down and slowly made her way down the same path, dabbing at the tears that fell down her face.
“God, why is this so hard,” she cried as her fingers found their way to the chain around her neck. She wasn’t looking where she was going. She wasn’t paying attention. When she smacked into the chest of Hoseok, she looked up and stepped back, her face instantly pale.
He looked at her with blown out eyes.