The sands of time will never wash away the loveI have for you. Your sweet memory will remain in my heart forever.
Hoseok was back in Ciara’s office at every appointment; doing his writing and eventually letting out about more on his relationship with Mina. He noticed Ciara’s far away eyes during those appointments, but he never brought it up. She was still there, helping him and encouraging him, but also she wasn’t. He felt as if she was troubled with something else, but being as they weren’t friends, he didn’t think it was his business to ask.
“Are you excited about the trip?” Ciara looked over her glasses and smiled. Hoseok nodded politely while sticking his notebook back into his bag.
“I am,” He said while fastening the bag closed. “I’m ready to get back to my life. It’s not just the guys that need me, it’s Army. The fact that they’re concerned about me makes me upset. I feel like I’ve failed them.”
“You haven’t failed them, Hoseok. Is Mina’s death something that you’ll be willing to share with them one day? I’m sure there are many Army that can relate to you.”
“I don’t want or need anymore sympathy. Bangtan is supposed to uplift and bring light to their darkness. I don’t want them being sad for me. I’m already hurting enough. Hurting army is something I mentally can’t take.”
Ciara took her glasses off and sat them on her desk. She looked back to Hoseok and sighed. She understood exactly how he was feeling in this moment. She saw how her parents treated her after Jasper died. They walked on eggshells, treated her like she was a breakable infant.
“Do you think that they would hurt because you’re hurting or....is it the fact that they’ll hurt because you were in love with someone?”
He shuffled his feet and looked at the ground. “I-I don’t know, Dr. Weston. I honestly don’t know. As an Idol, I have a certain image to uphold. I have to seem like I’m attainable to our fans. I have to keep this persona that one day, I would be theirs. Boy, Girl and Non-Binary fans have to believe that I will be with them. That’s how being an idol works. Privately, we’re allowed to date, go out and do things as regular people, but we have to think...What would our fans say? What would our fans do? It can take one person...just one person to photograph a private moment and not only will that idol’s career be jeopardized, the person that they’re with could be hurt, too. Not to mention the group their in or who their associated with.”
“If your fans get upset over the fact that you’ve found that one person to spend your life with, that you love with the entirety of your heart, then are they really your fans?”
No, he thought to himself. They weren’t, but it didn’t matter. He knew the minute that he announced he was engaged and that his fiancee had died, the fandom would be split. One side would want to console him and let him know that they will support him and help him get through this hard time, but the other side? They’ll drag Mina’s name through the mud. They’ll look up every little thing about her, talk about how Hoseok led them on and how glad they were that she was dead.
He couldn’t expose himself to those hurtful comments or his group.
“I know they’re not my true fans, but what can I do? My hands are literally tied. It’s not even a contractual obligation to be discrete anymore. It’s just how it is. It’s business. A scandal like this is bad for business.”
“I don’t see how this is a scandal,” Ciara placed her hands on her desk. “This was a tragedy that happened to you. You lost the love of your life in a horrible accident.”
Hoseok looked up at her. “I know. But Mina’s life wasn’t the only one taken that day. Many lives were taken and I know some Army were effected by it. Hell, some army might have even been on that plane.”
Plane? Hoseok had been coming here for two weeks and not once had she heard him say how Mina had died. The word plane made her bones chill. Her heart stopped as she looked at the idol in front of her.
“What happened to Mina?”
The tears brimmed his eyes and Ciara’s heart ached while watching him start to fall apart.
“Plane crash. You’ve heard of the Flight 001 tragedy? She was on that plane.”
Ciara’s heart stopped. Flight 001 to Melbourne, Australia. Her thoughts were jumbled as she replayed that day over and over again.
They were on the same plane.
“W-what did you say,” Hoseok questioned as he now stood in front of Ciara’s desk.
“You said her name. I never told you her whole name.”
Hoseok walked around her desk and fell at her knees. The tears started to fall from his eyes. Ciara was frozen. She didn’t know what to say. What to do.
“How do you know her name?!”
“Hoseok, your session is over. Please leave,” Ciara struggled to say. “I’ll see you tomorrow for our flight.”
“It makes sense. You at the cemetery. The wedding ring. Your eyes every time you talk about him,” Hoseok cried. “He was on that flight, wasn’t he?” He gripped her knees. “Wasn’t he?”
Everything Ciara tried to hide was coming to light. Every fucking thing. “He-I-” she stammered. She couldn’t find the words. Hoseok could tell that what he asked her, was true.
“Please....” he begged. “It’s true. Isn’t it?”
After a beat, Ciara nodded her head, tears brimming her eyes. “Yes. Jasper was on that flight.”
Ciara sat at her desk with her head in her hands. Hoseok was long gone, to where? Probably back to his dorm. He left in such a state after her confession that she didn’t pay attention to anything else. She feared that this would effect her job. How would everyone handle the news that not only Hoseok lost the love of his life, but also her in the same exact way? She had to confess to their managers. She knew that for a fact. So when Sejin and Bang entered her office, the lump in her throat almost made it impossible to talk. She motioned for them to sit in the chairs in front of her desk as she tried to find the words to say.
Bang was the one who spoke first; he observed Ciara’s shaken state and it worried him. “Mrs. Weston. Is everything alright? Is it Hoseok? The others?”
Ciara took a deep breath then cleared her throat. “I called you here this evening to discuss a few things with you. Hoseok and the others have been doing wonderful with their sessions.”
“That’s great,” Sejin sighed. “I was so worried about them.”
“That’s not the only thing you want to discuss is it,” Bang stated. He looked Ciara in her eyes and knew something big was troubling her.
“I don’t discuss what my patients tell me with anyone, but what Hoseok told me today and the realization that followed, I feel like you need to know this. And please, allow me to finish before you say anything.”
The older men nodded politely, both curious as to what she had to say.
“Seven months ago, my husband passed away. And much like Hoseok, I was distracted, distraught, angry, hurt and lashing out at the people around me. Jasper was the love of my life and also like what Hoseok has explained to me, it was the same love at first sight that he had for Mina. I’ve only ever heard Hoseok talk about Mina dying, but never how she died. With the way his therapy was going, I decided today was the day to see if he would talk about it. And he did. She died on Flight 001. The same flight my husband was on.”
The two olders were silent, grasping onto every word that Ciara spoke. Sejin’s eyes slightly filled with tears before he blinked them away. The younger looked at his boss who was also looking at Ciara in the same way.
“Ciara, I am so sorry for your loss,” Bang said solemnly. “I know taking on Hoseoks case couldn’t have been easy for you. I apologize for not....” he sighed. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“Its okay sir,” Ciara sighed. “My husbands death isn’t something I talk about with just anyone. I don’t need anyone else feeling sorry for me.”
“Is that why you pour yourself into your work? Specifically Hoseok?”
Ciara blinked and slumped her shoulders. “If I can’t fix myself, I at least get comfort knowing that I’m helping someone. But what I wanted to say, is I understand that this may be a conflict of interest and that I can refer you to another therapist to take my place.”
“That’s not happening,” Bang said as he stood up; Sejin following behind him. “Please stay. You’re getting his trust. He’s telling you more than he has told us in months. We’re finally seeing a glimpse of the Hoseok we’ve been missing.”
“Yeah, but,” Ciara stammered. “I just- I just don’t want to fail him if I can even go throughout the day without crying over my husband. How can I truly help him, if I can’t even help myself?”
Hoseok was on autopilot. He ignored the stares of his brothers and went into his room, taking out his extra suitcase and packing it full of things he would need in Japan. He finally had someone that knew what he was going through, but he was torn. He wanted to be okay, but he was crumbling on the inside. He didn’t hear Jungkook come in and jumped out of his skin when the maknae touched his shoulder.
“Fuck, Jungkook you scared me,” he said turning toward him. “Knock or something next time.”
The youngest nibbled on his bottom lip. “I’m sorry, Hobi Hyung. But I did knock. Multiple times.”
“Hmm,” Hoseok said as he turned back to pack his bags. “What is it, Koo? I need to finish packing.”
Jungkook could tell something was bothering his Hyung. Over the last few weeks, he could finally see bits of the old happy and confident Hoseok. He didn’t want his hyung to go back to his dark ways, but he also didn’t want to interfere and butt into his private life.
“I wanted to see how therapy went,” the younger said after a moment. “You looked a little preoccupied when you walked in.”
Hoseok walked over to his dresser and grabbed his Versace cologne and then back to his bed to place it in the suitcase. “Oh, I’m okay, Kook-ah.” He said not meeting the others gaze. “I’m just tired.”
“Oh,” Jungkook muttered. “Well, if you’re okay then I’m okay.”
The older turned his head to look at the younger, who smiled in return. He felt bad. He never asked about anyone else’s day, never even considering that they have other things bothering them. He felt guilty that they all were worried about him. Hoseok sat on his bed and patted the space beside him, motioning for the other to join him. Jungkook walked over and moved his hyungs bag to the side and then slowly sat down next to him.
“How did your therapy session go today,” Hoseok said while smiling at the younger. “You did go today, right?”
Jungkook smiled and nodded his head. “Yeah, I did. Can...can I talk to you about it?”
“You can talk to me about anything,” Hoseok said while patting the youngers leg. “You can always talk to me about anything, Jungkook. I don’t care how I’m feeling or what I’m going through. I’m always interested in knowing how your day went or if anything’s bothering you.”
“Of course, Kookie. You’re my baby brother. I’m always going to want to know how you’re doing. I want to know how everyone’s doing. I’m sorry I haven’t been more involved and have pushed you all away. It wasn’t right.”
Jungkook pulled the older into his arms. God, he’s like skin and bones, he thought to himself. “Noona was a wonderful and important part of your life. It’s okay. I never once got mad about how you were handling your grief. It effects everyone differently, Hobi hyung. You only did what you had to do.”
“I only thought about myself,” Hoseok admitted through tears. “I never once considered how I hurt you or the others; my family, Minas family. There had to be ARMY hurting, too. I thought I was the only victim of loss from the plane crash.....I- I wasn’t.”
Then his mind started to wonder off to how his doctor was doing.
And if she was okay.
“Can you tell me how your therapy session went, Jungkook? I-I don’t want to talk about me anymore.”
Jungkook nodded and tightened his grip around his hyung. “Well, I came to terms about something within myself. It’s been quite the experience over the last few days. A lot of tears were shed, but Doctor Weston helped me through it.”
Hoseok sat up and looked at his youngest brother. “Are you okay, Jungkook? You could have talked to me.”
Jungkook scratched the back of his head. “I didn’t know how to, Hyung. It wasn’t exactly something I knew how to say...I haven’t even told anyone else about it. Only Doctor Weston...and now you.”
The younger was a bundle of nerves. Hoseok could feel that he was nervous and scared; Jungkook looked completely terrified.
“Koo, talk to me. What is it?”
“Please don’t think any different of me. Please.” Jungkook said as he looked down at the floor. “I don’t want anything to change.”
Hoseok gripped the youngers hands in his and stared the poor boy right in the eyes. “Nothing will change, Jungkook. I would never treat you differently. Want to know why? Because I love you.”
Jungkook started to cry. “I love you, too, Hyung.”
Hoseok wiped the youngers tears then held his hands again. “So tell hyung what going on.”
Jungkook sighed and looked into his hyungs eyes, the silent tears streaming down his face.
”Hobi hyung....I’m gay.”