All these dying days

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Nate walked in as Callen sat up holding Nell's hand but still in restraints.

"How are you feeling?" Nate asked.

"My head a bit clearer, but I'm confused. It's like I'm two people in one head. Am I going insane?" Callen asked holding his breath afraid of the answer.

Nate was pleased to hear the accent Callen had sported when they first found him had faded and was now barely noticeable.

"No, G, you've been through a traumatic experience and if you'll trust me I will help you sort out your real memories from the implanted ones." Nate told him.

Callen looked at Nell for reassurance, but he was afraid of hurting her when he asked the next question "Will I remember everything from before, will I...Will I remember all about Nell and how we were."

"What do you remember now? "Nate asked curiously.

"I remember her, how her hair smells when I hug her and how she felt in my arms, she fitted perfectly and I remember that she is important." He took a deep breath" I know I love her but that hurts."

Nell squeezed his hand supportively, but silently her heart broke at that sentence and the one that followed.

"But I also remember Sveta, and I loved her ...and...and the baby" Callen said and tears fell from his eyes.

"The baby?" Nate asked confused.

"She was...we were..." Callen couldn't finish the sentence he looked at Nell "I'm sorry," He said sadly, he realized now he had unintentionally betrayed her.

She smiled weakly to let him know it was ok.

"Do you want me to leave?" She asked him.

"No!" he held onto her hand tighter, "Don't go." He knew she was real and if he let go her was afraid he would lose himself again, or worse lose her. "I...I need you here." He stated.

Nate looked at them both realizing how much Callen needed her and it warmed him to finally hear him say that he needed someone.

"Callen, you know I don't think I've ever heard you say that you needed anyone." He said smiling.

"Am I that bad a person, that I didn't need anyone?" he asked "or did no one ever need me?" he said quietly looking at the blanket.

"I need you, don't forget that!" Nell exclaimed."Your Team, We all do."

Callen smiled at that and then grimaced as another need took hold. His hands clenched and he pulled against the restraints, Nate spotted it "OK, it's time for your treatment" he pressed a button and an automated dose of Buprenorphine was administered into his system. Callen closed his eyes and went to sleep.

"Come on." Nate said quietly to Nell, "He'll be out for a few hours you need to get some sleep"

Nell nodded and followed him out.


"So what do you think?" Hetty asked Nate.

"So for the only thing he totally remembers with any certainty is Nell and he's using that as a life line to help...well basically to help reel himself back into reality." Nate said knowing the metaphor was shaky but they would get his meaning. "The biggest stumbling blocks we have are Sam and Renko, He needs to see them and get through any emotions he has about them, Sam is his partner and Renko is his friend, he needs to get back to that." Nate knew it had to be done but what silently worried as to which way it would push Callen's fragile psyche.

"I'll arrange for them to get here as soon as possible" Hetty said and made a call.


"So are we getting anywhere?" Sam asked annoyed at having to wait until he could talk to Callen.

"we are getting there, the doctor should be round soon." Nate said

Sam looked concerned "You've brought a doctor to the boatshed?"

"And a private nurse, both have clearance" Nate explained.

Nate turned to Nell, "I don't know how strong your relationship with Callen is but you need to be there for him through this. He may bring up things that are hard for you to hear, but he didn't know who you were or who he was. More than anything you mustn't be seen to be judging him."

Nell eyes widened "I would never judge him, Yes, It hurt to hear about Sveta but, I have...we have him back and that's ALL that matters, well, that and keeping him here."



Callen woke up alone.

The room was dark and he wasn't sure where he was, His head hurt and he was shaking and felt sick. He tried leaning over the edge of the bed and started panicking when he realised he was tied down.

Nate turned and ran for Callen's room as he heard a crash with Hetty and Nell hot on his heels, they came in to find Callen thrashing around on the bed having convulsions and trying to untie himself at the same time.

"LET ME GO!" he screamed at the top of his lungs and then collapsed back onto the bed as another wave of pain overtook him, He felt as if his body was on fire and he could feel every nerve ending in his body. Then he was sick.

The nurse came rushing in and quickly administered another shot of Buprenorphine, Callen quickly quietened and the nurse cleaned him up.

"Callen, you're ok we are all here, you're safe." Nell told him.

His breathing calmed as he grabbed Nell's hand "Please..." he whispered "Take them off." A tear fell from the corner of his eye.

"We can't" Nell said "Not till you're safe"

Callen's eyes darted around the room at that and Nell realized she had said the wrong thing.

Nate stepped up.

"You are safe, G, Just not from yourself right now, we are making sure you don't hurt yourself"

"I just want this to be over" Callen's eyes fell and the meds kicked in and he relaxed back on the bed.

"Are you up for doing some more then," Nate asked him avoiding using the word therapy.

Callen nodded, he figured the sooner it was over then they would let him go.

"We need to talk about Sam." Nate stated

"NO." Callen clammed up and turned his head away. In his mind he knew he was his friend, he had a feeling of warmth when thinking about Sam, which turned into despair as he remembered shooting him. He knew that the feeling for Sam he had meant that Sam hadn't killed his parents, he had figured out that was true but the guilt he felt threatened to overwhelm him.

Nate knowing Callen so well sat there and watched the different emotions flitting across his face each one lasting less than a second until he had them covered. "You know Sam doesn't blame you for shooting him," Nate said.

"He should." Callen said with brutal honesty not giving himself an inch.

Nate let out and exasperated breath with Callen getting anything out of him was always like pulling teeth.

"Well I don't." Sam said as he put his head round the door.

Callen stiffened as a feeling of panic overwhelmed him and he pushed it down. Sam was...is his friend, he felt even more guilty as he knew the initial panic has hurt his friend. However, Sam wiped the image of pain off his face almost immediately.

Sam took a chair and sat near Callen, but not too close as to scare him.

"We are ok G." He said "I just want my partner back and well."

"Me too." Callen confessed under his breath but Nate caught it and smiled.

Apparently Hetty had heard too, "That Mr. Callen, is what we all want."

Callen kept giving Sam furtive looks over the next hour torn between wanting to know if he was still there and to make sure he was safe. Also he figured it would help lessen the panic in his chest.

But through the whole session of Nate talking to him, he kept his hand clasped with Nell, 'just in case' he thought to himself. Eventually Nate realizing Callen was lost in his own thoughts stopped speaking.

"I need to leave for a bit." Nell said to Callen

"Ok," Callen said his eyes sad, just as Nell got to the door she heard him say. "Please, will you come back though?"

Nell ran back and kissed him "I'll be an hour and I WILL come back."

Callen nodded, relaxed and allowed himself to sleep for a little while.

Sam, Nate and Hetty regrouped in the lounge whilst Nell went to freshen up and get something to eat. Renko caught up to them all.

"So, how's he doing?" Renko asked

Renko nodded "Do you still need me?" he asked.

"Yes," Nate stated, as hard as this was going to be Callen needed to see Renko and get past what had happened. For Callen, Nate knew, this was going to be harder than him seeing and trusting Sam.

Nate went back into Callen's room and talked to his doctor "How's he doing doc?" Nate asked him

"Well, Mr Callen is doing better, He is almost weaned off the Heroin, and the withdrawal symptoms have died down considerably. We would like to take him out of the restraints now, if that's acceptable to you?" The doctor asked.

"I think so; He seems to be in no danger of running away." Nate replied.

An hour later, Nell was back and Callen was awake.

Nate walked in "I see your out of your restraints , I hope this means your not going to be jumping out of anymore windows?"

"No, I've seen enough to know you guys are telling me the truth and I couldn't leave now even if I wanted to. Callen said and glanced at Nell, who smiled back at him.

"Now, Callen there is something we have to work on." Nate said

Callen turned this didn't sound good..."What?" he asked worried.

"There's another member of the team you need to meet."

"Who?" Callen was confused he'd met Deeks and Kensi and Sam as far as he could remember that was all his team.

"Me," Mike Renko said with a feeble grin as he came into the room, "Remember me?"

Callen's face clouded with rage.

"You son of a bitch, you shot her!" Callen yelled pulling Nate's gun from out of the holster on his hip and pointed it at Renko.

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