Wedding Night, Sacrifice, and Szu
Match Six: Wedding Night, Sacrifice, and Szu:
-Six Months Earlier-
The wedding night is where the woman fully commits herself to her spouse before she is bound to him. I gave myself over to Yao completely after when left our wedding reception. This was the only piece of our “contact” that needed to fulfilled. We went to Seoul for our honeymoon. (I didn’t want to go too far because of how sneaky my uncle is. I trust Hen-to and Fei, but I couldn’t be too careful lately.)
Our hotel suite looked out on the beach. I sat on our bed, looking out the window. We were so close that we could hear the waves roaring if we left the windows open. I wanted it that way for tonight. (“It calms me down,” I told Yao when we returned to the room.) Right now, I sat watched the waves crashed upon the sand. My husband was taking a shower. Tonight shouldn’t be any different, right? We have been sleeping together for three years now. However, what is this sense of dread that I keep feeling?
I didn’t turn around when I heard the bathroom door open.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Yao said from the doorway.
“It’s fine,” I said. I lay back on the cool white sheets on the bed. Footsteps walked over and stopped when Yao climbed on top. I expected him to say something as if to ease the “wedding night jitters”. Instead, he kissed me on the lips. Yao came on gentle tonight. Then again, I didn’t really expect much anyway. He only had on a bathrobe while I still wore my mother’s wedding dress. While Yao was in the shower, I took off all of my hair clips and jewelry. Already, I closed my eyes and let him begin to take me. The swish and rustle of Yao removing his white cotton robe from his body didn’t faze me as I drifted into myself. Another kiss to my lips pulled me back towards him. He wasn’t going to let me go off that easily.
“I love you,” I whispered in the dim room. My hands inched up to grab onto the only thing that would make sense to me, him.
“I love you too,” Yao said in a love voice. He wasted no time on grabbing mother’s blood red wedding dress. In five minutes, the whole dress ended up on the floor. My body trembled in that short second of freedom my skin felt from that suffocating silk. I opened my eyes with my mouth parted for something, anything. Yao kissed me on the forehead.
“What do you want tonight?” he asked. I gulped softly and drew my eyes closed.
“Please take all of me,” I said in a hoarse whisper. His fingertips brushed my hair from my forehead. My heart stopped in my chest when Yao told me, “Please don’t cry.”
Wait, am I crying? Why would I be crying?
My husband took his thumb and brushed it under my eye. He didn’t give me a chance to respond when he kissed me on the lips. The taste sent me away back into my mind.
I didn’t even pay attention as he removed my bra and panties. His fingertips on my skin reminded me that I was still grounded. It was like he wanted to keep me under him. I know that I should give myself over to him, but part of me still wants to resist. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Yao knelt over me naked with the look of a dog in heat in his eyes. He either wanted to eat me or rip me to pieces. I gulped as I spread my legs.
Go on. You do not scare me. I am giving myself to you, after all. You want as yours, I’ll be yours.
My mind floated in and out even before Yao entered me. I knew that I was still physically here because my hands grasped onto his back. My nails dug into his skin. He didn’t seem to mind as he began pounding into me. When I did have my eyes open, they would travel to the ceiling, then to Yao, and then back into my head. I didn’t seem to want to let go of my husband. He started off slow. At first, I didn’t really feel much. Maybe I was still numb between my legs. That didn’t scare me tonight for some reason. I just it was more of a delated thing, because I began to feel something when my husband sped up.
My head was so far away that I could barely hear myself give way to moaning. Something was there, that much I know. I didn’t consciously know how to respond. It was like Yao’s pleasure already consumed me. His grunting barely reached my ears. My grip on his back tightened as he kissed me on the neck. I drew in heavy breaths. Don’t let me go. Don’t let me go.
Each time we make love, it feels different. I couldn’t describe what it was this time. I drifted away, but yet Yao kept me grounded under him. Each pound reminded me that I wasn’t dreaming. I had already resigned myself to this line of fate. Still, something in me is crawling to get free again. I wanted to believe that the thirteen-year-old girl in me was still around, seeing if I was okay. Somehow, I don’t really think I can convince her otherwise.
I am fine. Please, don’t worry about me. Just go.
I stole a glance into Yao’s eyes. For the first time tonight, a wave of fear washed over me. Is this what happens to the bride when she gives herself over to her husband? What will become of me after this? Of us? I still love Yao and I don’t think I will stop loving himself. That’s what scares me the worst. He quickened his pace, reminding me that he refused to let me go. The mothers of the clan knew this would happen. Back on my seventeenth birthday, Cai hinted that Yao was going to be my husband. Bik tried to stop her from going any further on that train of thought. Figures that father would plot something like this. Still, I…
Yao reached his climax and I felt myself slowly returning back to reality. But, my husband wasn’t done with me yet. He sat up and began stroking himself. I lifted my head.
“Yao?” I asked. He pulled forward into his lap. My husband didn’t need to explain what I needed to do. My lips started at the head. For reasons I couldn’t explain now, I slowly moved downwards. I didn’t look up when I heard Yao moan. Now, I had never tried this before. He seemed to push me to keep going as he grabbed onto my hair. By this point, I didn’t expect him to ever stop me. Ever since he took my virginity two years ago, Yao seemed indirectly to push me to go further, see what my limits were. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me when enough was enough.
I made it to the base when I glanced up at my husband. A muffled groaned was all I got for a response. I didn’t know if I could pull this off or not. The last time I tried it, I ended up choking and gagging for about an hour. I think that was the only time that Yao stopped me from going any further that night. I wondered how this would turn out tonight as I closed my eyes and began to suck.
I missed his taste. We hadn’t had much time for sex since dealing with the aftermath of Szu’s rape and planning the wedding. When we did get time, it was mostly missionary. Plus, I was sexually numb at the time. Right now, I can’t tell if it all came back. My mind kept going back and forth in limbo. I tried to drift away, but Yao managed to keep me grounded with him. Just like when he plunged his cock between my legs, now he grabbed onto my hair as I got lost in his taste. It’s like I’m trying to fly away, but he keeps me chained to the ground. Maybe this is what it is like to be bound to your spouse. You try to fly away, but they won’t let you get off of the ground. In a sense, you are stuck with them until they die. Even when you divorce, your spouse hangs around you.
Yao tugged on my hair as if he felt me trying to fly away again. I didn’t know why I kept trying to fly away. There was no reason to run away anymore. Just finish giving myself over to him and the contract of marriage will be complete. I had no more hesitations. In fact, I found myself enjoying the sex. Yet, I still seem to be flying away within myself. Another tug of my hair pulled me back to the ground. Now, does being grounded have to be a bad thing? I can’t really say for myself. Most of my soul died when I got involved with Yao. I had already killed what was left of it when I married him. Or so I thought. I could still see my thirteen-year-old self watching me in my head. She had no expression on her face. However, she did seem to be backing away from with each pound and suck. I hoped that she would get that I was fine now.
Please, I am fine. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. I can take care of myself. Just because I am married, doesn’t mean I have completely lost myself.
In that moment, I realized that I could still be me and love Yao all the same.
“Oh, Ju!” he moaned. “You are so good! Oh!” I couldn’t tell if I was smiling as he pulled my hair once more. So far, I felt truly at peace again. My soul didn’t die, it just evolved to meet up with Yao. Why was I so afraid before? That wasn’t like me at all. This is…
“Ju! I’m going to come!” Yao shouted. My mind’s final attempt to fly away blocked out what he was saying. Once more, my husband pulled me back to the ground when he exploded his load in my mouth. I sat up, eyeing him. He collapsed back on the bed, panting.
“Wow,” was all that he could whisper. I swallowed, but I couldn’t taste anything. It was as if it was just an obligation.
“I love you,” Yao said as he was drifting off. I didn’t move. I watched my husband as he slept. So that was it? We were really married now. Every emotion that I should’ve felt wasn’t there. I guess I was still adjusting to all of this. A few questions remained. What happens to us now? What becomes of me now that I sacrificed my single self? I closed my eyes and listened for something, anything. I didn’t hear it. She really gone this time. Maybe now I could move on and keep my clan afloat and out of the hands of my uncle. I can’t let my family down.
Let’s see… We have about two more weeks until we come back to Beijing. I looked back at my sleeping husband. I’m not tired yet. I looked out the open window at the waves crashing on the beach. What exactly are we going to do until we get home? Well… We could do couple stuff, I guess. The weather’s supposed to be nice together. Maybe Yao and I could take a walk along the beach after breakfast tomorrow. There it was again. I thought I was smiling again.
Around two in the morning, I finally lay down beside Yao. But, I still wouldn’t go to sleep. I ran my finger around in circles on his sweaty chest. He looked like a big ol’ baby sound asleep beside me. Could a sense of peace like this last? I rolled over onto my back. I probably shouldn’t be so worried about the clan for the next two weeks. Fei and Hen-to have everything under control. They are good men and they knew what to do around my uncle. What’s even better is that asshole Junjie is locked up in jail. Hopefully I will get to see Szu smile again when we come home.
I still wouldn’t talk to Yao after I learned what he did to his brother and sister. He hasn’t tried to explain himself either. I did ask, but he said that he couldn’t tell me. To be honest, I probably would’ve been too angry to listen. I didn’t even know what I was going to do with the situation. The best thing would be to calm down and deal with it with a rational head. Right now, I didn’t see that happening. How could he do that to his family? Just… I gritted my teeth. How?!
I was folding the rest of my laundry when I got a knock on our bedroom door. I drew in a sharp breath.
“What is it, Yao?” I asked in a frozen tone.
“Ju,” a small voice said. “Please don’t be mad at Yao, he did what he did because of me.” I whipped around as I nearly stumbled back.
“Szu?” I asked. “Is that you?”
“Can I come in or is this a bad time?” she asked.
“Uh… no, no!” I said. “Give me a second.” I walked over and opened the door. Szu looked down at my light purple painted toes. However, I couldn’t ignore what she said before she asked for me to let her in.
“What exactly do you mean he gave Wang Ja and Lin Yi over to Ivan because of you?” I asked. Szu looked me in the eye. Her serious look threw me for a loop. The tears in her eyes warned me that what she was going to say was hard on her. She clenched her fists at her sides.
“If Yao hadn’t gone to Ivan, I wouldn’t be alive today!” Szu blurted out. I backed up, covering my mouth as my jaw dropped.
“What did you say?!” I shouted.