Everyone thinks it's crying yourself to sleep every night, being sad all of the time.
That's not it. That's not it at all. It comes in so many shapes and forms, hiding in the dark corner or even out in plain sight.
I wish I could cry. I want to so badly. But I can't feel anything. I'm so past the point of sadness I'm just numb. It's so painful yet so... empty. It's an indescribable feeling that just simply can't be put into words. It's the point where I don't know how to feel anymore. That lost hopelessness of never feeling anything. It's the insufferable pain that can only be temporarily hidden.
I've been decently happy, I think. I've smiled and laughed. But then like a switch, I fall. It feels kind of like drowning, but not being able to die. Like drowning, but watching everyone around you breathe.
I didn't think about it. I didn't plan it. I leaned my head back, swallowing the handful of pills with a gulp of water, reaching for another handful. I didn't think. I just did it. But I had no idea what would happen in return.
I could see the blinding light even through my closed eyelids. I could also feel the stabbing pain in my head that told me I was still alive. "Damnit."
"Ugh, someone please turn off the lights. You're giving me a migraine," I complained. I brought my arm up to shield my eyes from the terribly bright and very unnecessary light, but stopped when I felt a tug.
I heard a gasp. "He's awake! Someone, go get a doctor and tell them he woke up!"
I blinked slowly, trying to readjust my eyes to the room. I looked down and saw way too many wires for my liking hooked up to my arms. "Wait..." I looked around at the unfamiliar scene. "Where am I?"
The light was suddenly gone as I was enveloped in a tight hug. "Can't breathe-" I tried to say, but my voice was muffled by the person's chest.
"I was so worried about you! Don't you do that ever again!" He said.
"Sir, you should try and let the boy rest," the nurse chuckled.
After remembering what had happened, and realizing I was alive, unfortunately, I kind of zoned out. The doctors and nurses and whoever else it was that came in every once in a while talked to me, all basically telling me the same message.
"L/n, thankfully, you are somehow perfectly fine health-wise. But please don't do this again." The nurse said something about a therapist, and I practically jumped out of the bed.
"What?!" I yelled.
He took a breath and said, "L/n, you attempted to kill yourself. We can't just look past that."
I scoffed and looked to the side. "Oh, and what? A random person I don't even know trying to pry out all of my secrets is going to help me?!"
"Y/n, please lower your voice-"
I swatted my dad's hand away. "No! This is bullshit! You know how much I hate them, dad. Why would you do this to me? I'm perfectly fine! See?" I patted myself, as if proving to them I wasn't dead. Just then, a woman, in her late 20's or early 30's if I had to guess, ran into the room, her blonde ponytail swaying behind her.
"Um, you should probably see this," she said, nervously. He stood up and followed her out quickly, gesturing for us to follow. Since my health was fine somehow, they had unplugged me from the medicines earlier today so, thankfully, I didn't have to bring the whole machine with me.
"Sir, look." She pointed to an x-ray photo and started murmuring things to him I couldn't hear.
"Doctor, what's wrong with my son?" My dad asked the lady.
The nurse from before turned to us, his expression full of surprise. "It seems as though your son has a quirk."
He looked at them, his expression matching the nurse's and my own. "What?!" We said in unison.
"There's no way, I'm quirkless."
He looked back at the screen, then to me again. "It's not unheard of for quirks to develop under specific circumstances... though this one is quite unusual."
My dad's shock turned to confusion, along with mine. "What do you mean? What triggered it?" He asked.
"We had been confused as to how his health was so great, even after taking so much. But now, this explains it." He took a breath. "We think you have some sort of ghost quirk. I've never seen anything like it, so you could name it yourself. But basically, we think it has some sort of reincarnation. You may have other parts or things you can do besides that, though we can't tell what from just the tests."
Now that I think about it, I do feel kind of different... but could I really have a quirk?
"Wait," I said, suddenly nervous. "Is the reincarnation a one-time thing?"
"We think part of your quirk is infinite reincarnation, but we're not sure." Then he looked at me. "Don't try to figure it out though."
"L- L/n?" I turned around and was met with bright, nervous green eyes.
"Hey Zu," I replied. His eyes widened and he ran up to me, engulfing me in a bone-crushing hug.
"I- uh- kind of need air you know," I wheezed out.
"S- sorry," he said, releasing me. I chuckled in response.
"A- Are you okay?" he asked. "We thought you..." he didn't finish the thought, but tears weld up in his eyes.
"Hey, Izuku, I'm fine. See? Nothing happened," I lied, faking a smile for his sake. He smiled a little in return, too.
"Kacchan has been worried too. He won't admit it, but he's been different since then. He's... distant. He hasn't bullied me- or anyone I don't think, since, either. He's really upset, I- I think you should go talk to him, let him know you're okay."
"Katsu actually cares about me? Huh," I mused.
Izuku looked at me. "What'd you say?" He asked. I waved it off. "Oh, nothing. If it's okay with you, I'm going to go talk to him." He nodded and I hugged him one last time.
"Hey, Katsu!" I expected him to say his usual, "tch, what do you want, nerd?"
But instead, he didn't say anything. I ran up, trying to catch up with him. "Oi, Katsu, wait up!" I called after him.
He finally turned around to face me, and his eyes widened.
"Y- Y/n?" He mumbled, looking at me with shock on his face. My eyes widened slightly at that. He's never called me by my name, always some lame nickname to make fun of me, let alone my first name. Even Zu doesn't do that- though that's not saying much.
He looked at me as if surprised I actually existed, his bright crimson eyes wide. Then, before I could register what was happening, he grabbed my arm and pulled me into a hug.
His right hand was still gripped tightly onto my arm, as if he was afraid I'd disappear if he let go. But he brought his left hand up around my head, pulling my face into his chest.
"Are you..." he said, hesitantly. "Are you real?" He pulled away, being down slightly and looking at my face. He poked my cheek and I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing.
"Yeah, I'm real. What, did you think I was a ghost or something?" His face paled and I wondered what they had heard happened to me. "Katsu, I'm fine." He nodded dimly.
"Don't you ever fucking scare me like that again," he grumbled. No promises, I thought, but kept that to myself.
He still seemed a bit shocked so I put my hands on his shoulders and gently lowered him down so we were both sitting on the ground. I put my hand on his spiky and, surprisingly soft, head, pulling him into my chest this time.
"Hear my heartbeat?" He nodded. I wrapped my arms around him. It doesn't matter to me that he can be a real jerk a lot, he needs someone there for him and, in a way, I kind of understand him. I want to help him be okay, even if I'm not.
Still beating. For now, anyway, my heart was still beating.
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