Eirene was never truly happy. Not once in 16 years of life and she desperately needed change. She needed to feel comfortable in her skin once, to try and not overthink everything she does, to not distance herself from everyone. She wrote to her friends maybe three times in these two months and that was mostly her telling them she is perfectly fine when in reality she was falling apart. She hit the ground and she is not sure if she can get up again. However, they did tell her every little thing about them and Eirene liked that. It showed that they trust her, that they are best friends.
She was looking at herself in the mirror for the hundredth time today. Not because she was admiring her beauty, but because she couldn’t realize when she started hating herself this much. She hated everything about herself. Her face was too dry and she never completely cleared them from acne, her nose which is too big, her body that is too fat even though everyone keeps telling her she lost too much weight, and her body hair which was the part of herself she hated the most. She had body hair in every place imaginable and although she is shaving often, there is always a visible part, they are so thick they are seen even when shaved.
She always wondered why is she the one to be different from anyone else? Why couldn’t she be beautiful and carefree?
She was born in October which meant she didn’t go with her generation to Hogwarts, she was a year below kids same as her birth year. She remembers being too much taller than other kids and that’s when insecurities started. She tried to ignore every comment from her classmates, every insult, she covered with a smile because she wanted to fit in so badly. So she never said anything against her nickname which was ‘Astronomy tower’. That nickname was following her until year five.
Of course, that wasn’t the only nickname she had. With time she got more. She remembers in years three and four she had terrible acne which didn’t go unnoticed by Pansy Parkinson and her fellow Slytherin friends. They made fun of her on daily basis but again Eirene covered it with a smile. What was worse is that her mum didn’t allow her to cover it with makeup.
In her fourth year, she realized that she had way more body hair than her friends and that her boobs are too big for her age and even her friends questioned her about it which made her even more uncomfortable. At that time, she had a crush on Cedric Diggory. She always had a crush on him though and there was always that stupid hope that he likes her too. Later she realized that hope is the worst thing to have because Cedric always liked every girl around her, but never her. She was never good enough. Then he died.
That summer she destroyed the only thing she was never insecure about. Her weight. She remembers spending time with her grandparents like she usually did in summers and her grandmother encouraging her to eat way too much until she saw her mother again and until she saw pure horror in her eyes. Her mum called her fat at that moment and that was the first time she cried because of her body and she can’t seem to stop ever since. She didn’t blame her mum for calling her fat, she knew she was fat and her mum tried her best to help her ever since. She didn’t have the heart to blame her granny either even though it was kind of her fault. She loved her parents a lot, but she loved spending time with her grandparents more.
In the fifth year, insults about her weight started, but she realized she’s not the tallest anymore. On the contrary, everyone seemed to overgrow her and she was one of the shortest in her class now. Not that she minded, her height was making everyone in her year give her attention and she hated it. She thought she will be invisible now, however, they had a new thing to bully her for. It was only Slytherin, but she knew everyone else meant it too. In that year she started liking Draco Malfoy, but of course, he would never like her so she never admitted that to anyone except her diary. She liked him from afar until his insults didn’t crush that good thing too. She liked thinking about him and seeing him around but he ruined it for her. He ruined her image of him.
The only comfort she found in school was in her house, Hufflepuff. She was good with everyone, but she had only two friends and she was okay with that. The fewer people you have to lose the better.
And that is how she got to this moment. How she became broken beyond repair.
This summer was all about fixing things she hated about herself. Or at least hide them. She lost about 10 kilograms, fixed her teeth, mostly got rid of acne and body hair, but again she never felt worse. Her body was still disgusting. With her mothers’ help, she got rid of all of her tight pants and shirts and replaced them with all baggy ones. That made Eirene a little happier and less insecure. Her parents supported her, however, she always felt like she didn’t get enough attention from her dad. It felt like there was always something more important than her, even though she’s an only child. She loved him anyway, but mum was her biggest support.
She looked at her as she entered her room with scissors in her hands which Eirene asked for.
“Are you sure honey? You have such beautiful hair.”
Her mum tried to convince her hundredth time knowing she won’t change her mind.
She said rudely, which she instantly regretted. She always felt like she is way too harsh to her mum, but never did a thing to change it.
She asked at last.
She said quickly.
“That’s way too short Eirene.”
Her mum protested showing her that it would look better below shoulders instead.
“No! I want it short.”
“And the bangs, but on the sides.”
Her mum sighed and started cutting her hair the way she asked her. The hair that was once reaching her lower back was not touching her shoulders now. Eirene didn’t regret it though. She felt more than ready for school, hoping that maybe, just maybe everyone matured enough and that she will have a peaceful year as much as it’s possible in the times like these.