Our Love Is A Star
A/N: Okay, seriously I recommend listening to 'Beth/Rest' by Bon Iver while reading this or before or whatever, but do listen to it, it's a very beautiful song.
Secondly, I'm sorry if this is all over the place...If I find mistakes when reading this again, I'll fix em, but if you find some don't hesitate to let me know...cuz like I said, I'm pretty sure this is all over the place. x
There are some things that sort of just happen.
Seemingly random acts that you pass by and some part of you is aware of them but you don't fully comprehend or take notice until you're ready.
The very first time you heard the passing synth and sax of what sounds like an 80's ballad, you wrote it off as someone having a serious case of nostalgia for a decade none of you were around for.
But you don't say anything about it, because the second you got closer to where it sounded like it was coming from, it stopped and you had shrugged it off as you slid into your seat between Brittany and a still barely noticeably pregnant Quinn.
Neither of them mention anything about it, and you've already forgotten about it by the time glee starts.
You hear the same synth and this time you're paying just a bit more attention, and you realize it's coming from an empty classroom, but you don't get to investigate because you're already late for your history class.
It's a couple of months later that you realize Quinn's the only one with a free period then and you figure you can be a little bit late if it means checking in on the blonde.
You walk by the same classroom and sure enough, Quinn's sitting with her back towards the door, one of her hands lying protectively over her slightly more pronounced stomach now, as she closes her eyes and listens to this song you can barely make out.
You don't mention it, ever, and you don't actively go looking for it anymore. You don't really have to, because the blonde happens to listen to it whenever she feels like she needs to breathe. Or so you've gathered.
You ask Rachel about it once, because you've listened to bits and pieces enough to know it isn't exactly a happy song and she just gives you a tiny sad little smile, her eyes growing softer as she says, "It's…it's an end…you know? You ever just have so much emotions going on, and you're so so tired of everything and then all of a sudden, out of the blue, there's this song that just perfectly seems to encompass everything you're needing to hear? That's…that's this for Quinn. If it helps? I'm glad, because I don't think any of us can truly help her the way she needs unless she can open up and tell us…and I think she's getting there."
You think you get it, because sure you've gotten help from a good song here and there, but you don't think you've ever needed a particular song as often as Quinn seems to.
You let it pass, and as the days move on, you notice Quinn more and more, and you see the way she's quiet now, you see how she seems sadder, yet at the same time lighter and you wonder how much that has to do with the song she's constantly listening to, and how much is because of the support Rachel, Brittany and you are quietly giving her.
As the time gets nearer or her to give birth, you realize it's been ages since you've heard her song, and you want to bring it up, but apparently it's obvious because Brittany actually tells you not to ask, and you keep the questions to yourself.
Watching Quinn breakdown after only holding her baby for a few minutes breaks your heart. It breaks all of your hearts.
She doesn't shy away from your touches. None of you.
She curls herself around your caresses, she seeks out your hands, she holds you closer than ever before. And she cries. You don't recall ever seeing her really cry like this in a long time.
The song goes long forgotten until about six months after she gave birth, and you hear her humming it to herself as she swings on the hammock in your backyard, one of her legs barely kicking the ground to keep her swinging.
You look up at her from your position on the grass, and she doesn't even look at you when she asks, "What?"
And you take a giant leap when you ask, "You were thinking about Beth, weren't you?"
And she doesn't reply or move and you think you've really done it, until she nods her head, as she sighs and tries to surreptitiously wipe at her eyes, "Yeah…Yeah I was."
You know she wants to ask how you knew, but she doesn't and you decide you owe her something.
"I've noticed you used to listen to that song all the time…and I haven't heard it in a long while, and I figured you must have been thinking about baby Beth…" you allow yourself to trail off because what else were you going to say?
She resumes kicking her foot lightly to rock herself in the hammock and you assume the conversation is closed.
She's wrong though, because Quinn starts talking, quietly, to her.
"It's…it's by Bon Iver. 'Beth/Rest' is what it's called. I…I started listening to it without really realizing I was repeating it so often. I was in such emotional turmoil with everything going on…and it was like, for those five minutes I could just shut my eyes and be. And I'd find myself tearing up every now and then like, my body was telling me I needed to seriously let this out.
When I found out I was having a girl? It was around the same time I was really reading into the lyrics and what the song actually meant to me and…I knew why I'd often feel so sad afterwards but at the same time lighter, if that makes sense. I knew, even if I really wanted to keep her, I couldn't. I couldn't do that to my baby…she deserves someone who can give her everything that I can't even begin to imagine giving her.
And I just remember thinking about this song and about my baby and all I could think is…Beth sounds like this wonderful paradise I'd love to go and be around for eternity. And the song it just…it's like this great big sigh after this struggle and all this pain and hurt…and you can finally just breathe. And that's what I want for Beth…I want her to feel nothing I've felt in my life growing up. I don't want her to need to feel the things I did…the negative things, the hurtful things, the shameful things I've done, I don't want her to have to deal with any of that.
The song's an ending…but it's a good ending, it's like waking up after this wonderful winter to find everything just so much more vibrant and alive. And that's what I want for Beth. That's what I've wanted for Beth since the very beginning, but I was too stubborn to really comprehend what I was trying to get at."
You watch her as she talks to you, and halfway through she actually turns towards you and you see her really finally letting you see her, all of her, without any of the bullshit.
"And now…it's like I can't help but think of the song when I think of her, because she means everything to me, absolutely everything, but I can't…I can't have her, so all I've got is this song, and…yeah some days it makes me want to cry because I remember having her near, having her be a part of me, and other times…I smile because we're going to be okay. 'Our love is a star, sure some hazardry for the light before and after most indefinitely…danger has been stole away.'"
And you want to slap yourself for actually tearing up but then Quinn's gracefully swinging off of her perch on the hammock, and lays down beside you, and she gently guides you to roll into her side so she's got an arm wrapped around your shoulder as you're leaning against her chest, and she nods as your tears trickle down your cheek, "I'm going to be okay San…we're gonna be okay."