And neither did Alex, or so she told herself. Why should she care? It wasn't like she had a date on her first Valentine's Day since coming out. And she didn't wanna just hang out with friends like Kara did - she had called it a double date, but really, she just hung out with her two best friends and Alex didn't want to make up the fourth party of that awkward thing (because people like waiters would assume that she was with one of the guys - probably Winn - and how awkward would that be?).
Anyway, she had just come to the bar because... because she usually spent her time here with Maggie. And she wanted to think of her at least, if she wasn't to see her. Because, of course, Maggie had a date. A first date. A first date with a hospital resident. A first date with a hot hospital resident. Should Alex have told her that residents practically lived at the hospital and never got any free time?
It was something she knew because she'd wanted to be a doctor. She could've been a doctor, in fact, she could have been that resident... in another life perhaps. But she'd opted for the D.E.O. instead, for science instead. And she was happy doing what she was doing which was what Maggie was doing too and they always had something to talk about even if talking to each other was difficult for a while after she'd kissed Maggie that one time...
Alex sighed. That kiss. She'd tried to forget it, she really had. But how did you forget a kiss like that? A kiss pressed on perfect, subtle lips that pushed back with just the right amount of pressure. Lips that tasted like beer and strawberries and the promise of more, always more.
This time, Alex groaned and put her head down onto her arms.
"You be careful there, I don't want anyone thinking my drinks make you sick," she heard M'gann tell her.
Alex lifted her head and looked at her. She pouted at M'gann.
"It's not my fault Sawyer's an idiot. Don't look at me like that."
Alex took a deep breath and returned to her beer. But it couldn't really fill the void in her. "Do you have something stronger? Beer just takes too long."
"I could give you something that'd knock you out cold, would that do?"
Alex now frowned, growling at M'gann who seemed to enjoy her misery a little too much. But as M'gann watched a newcomer approach, her eyebrows reached up to her hairline and then she turned away.
"What're you doing here, Danvers? Didn't you say you would be out with your sister and those two dopey guys she hangs out with?"
For an instance, hearing the familiar voice lifted the veil of desperation from Alex' eyes, but then it plummeted into her stomach. She turned and saw Maggie saunter over. She looked... unreal. She was wearing black dress pants and a blindingly white shirt, and holy hell and fuck me, a slim black tie.
Alex quickly lowered her eyes back to her drink. But instead of the beer that she had only emptied half, there stood a whiskey. She looked over at M'gann who nodded at her. She took a sip of the dark amber liquid and it burned down her throat just like it should.
"I wasn't feeling it," she said to Maggie who leaned next to her with her back against the bar. Her arm touched Alex' which was probably an accident. An accident that gave Alex the fuzzies. "How about your date?" she pressed through the lump in her throat.
"About the same, and halfway through the whole thing, she bailed to do a surgery."
Alex snorted, then tried to cover it with a cough. "I hear residents are hardcore."
"Not as hardcore as cops and secret D.E.O. agents, though."
"Yeah, no, I mean no, they're not. We're the hardcorest." She felt the searching look on her skin and she wasn't surprised. Maggie probably wondered what the fuck was wrong with her.
"You had a lot of that cheap whiskey, Danvers?"
"First glass. I had a beer before that."
"You up for a game?"
Game? Alex lifted her head because her insides seemed suddenly bubbly. She wants to play a game?
"Pool," Maggie said with a nod toward the tables.
Pool, of course, what else would she be talking about? "Sure, I'll just... need to go... somewhere first," Alex said, pointing toward the restrooms.
"I'll set up."
Alex emptied her glass in one swallow and then walked toward the restrooms.
"You're not losing on purpose here, are you, Danvers? I mean, you usually only lose one game a night and now you lost three in a row." Maggie leaned against the table, her arms folded across her chest.
"I'm just..." For a long moment, Alex concentrated on setting up the next game, but then she rolled the 4-ball across the table. "I guess I'm tired."
"You wanna go home? It's only like..." Maggie looked at her watch. "Eleven-thirty." She came over, too close, and put her chin on Alex' shoulder, just barely reaching it. Her hand gripped Alex' arm. "One more game?" she asked, looking up at Alex with puppy eyes.
Alex sighed. "Like I could resist you," she said.
Her face was so close to Alex', too close. And Alex knew she could always blame the three glasses of whiskey she'd consumed in the last two hours as her eyes strayed from Maggie's and landed on her lips. Her pulse quickened, her heart thumbed against her ribcage and she was about to lean in when Maggie turned away.
"Do we have to do this again, Danvers?" Her voice lacked all sharpness, it seemed a little tired.
"You know what? No, we don't." Alex shook her head, closing her eyes for a moment to regain her equilibrium. She was tired too. She was tired of getting rejected, of being resentful, of having to explain... every little thing that she felt. She'd put herself out there too much, it was time to retreat. "Let's take a break... from this. No more pool, no more drinks. It's obvious, I can't... control myself with you."
"But it is, you see? You're... like a drug. You're my kryptonite!" Alex had to laugh at this comparison, though there wasn't any humor in it. Maggie seemed confused. "It's... I just can't do this. We should just stick to a work relationship."
Maggie frowned. "That's not what I want."
"No, you want us to be friends and date hot residents, residents who don't have time for a simple first date."
"That's... not what happened," Maggie said, then sighed. She looked down at the floor, her brows furrowed. She left Alex for a moment to get another beer, in fact, two beers. She handed Alex one, then took a deep pull of her own.
"Darcy and I were at a nice, romantic restaurant, we had wine, an interesting conversation. At least, I thought we did, but then she said she needed to leave."
"But... why? I mean..." Alex made a gesture toward Maggie's body that could best be described to mean All that. And her eyes followed all the wonderful places on Maggie's body she indicated. Pull yourself together, her mind admonished her, but her brain wasn't functioning any longer. She blamed the alcohol once again.
"Yeah, thanks, Danvers. Not helpful."
"Why did she just leave you?"
Maggie came closer, leaning against the table just next to Alex, their hips touching, Maggie's hand gripped Alex' arm once again. "'Cause I wouldn't shut up about... work."
"Working with you."
Alex turned just a little, but a step closer assured she didn't lose contact with Maggie. Her arm slipped through Maggie's fingers until they held onto each others' hands. Alex felt strangely grounded as her fingers entwined with Maggie's.
Maggie looked down at their joined hands. She did that thing with her head that reminded Alex of an adorable puppy.
"I couldn't shut up about... you going Sarah Connor on a fugitive alien. Or you... sciencing in your lab, all focused and nerdy. And... how you... how your eyes light up when you cuff a baddy, even if it's not part of your job, but just you helping me out."
"You know, Sawyer, for a... seasoned lesbian that's a pretty dumb move. I mean, even I know that you don't talk to your girl about the badass girl you're working with. I wouldn't talk about you if I..."
Maggie pulled her closer by her hand, their bodies touching a lot. Alex' breath hitched in her throat. Maggie was looking up at her with those... eyes... but, she couldn't... wouldn't give in to the pull. She wasn't strong enough for another rejection like the last one.
"Kiss me?" Maggie asked.
Alex shook her head. She wanted to pull away, but her feet wouldn't move, her whole body was paralyzed by the magic power of Maggie's eyes.
"Kiss me, please?"
"You're cruel, Sawyer."
"No, I'm... crazy about you. I know I shouldn't--" She didn't get to finish that sentence because Alex pressed her lips against Maggie's.
Crazy it is, Alex' mind agreed.
The door opened and Alex pulled Maggie inside. They'd made it to her apartment through a haze of kisses and touches, both happily inebriated.
Maggie kicked the door shut behind her as she pulled Alex close, her hands eagerly slipping inside Alex' jacket. They kissed. Lips and tongues meshed in a frivolous dance as hands pushed beyond the boundries of clothes.
Alex' hand entangled in Maggie's hair, pulling her head back. "I want you so much."
"Do you think we should, though?" Maggie pulled her brows together in a frown. Her eyes looked worried.
"We're both adults. Who's going to stop us?"
"Nobody, if we don't stop ourselves."
Alex blinked. "Is that what you want? To stop?"
Maggie sighed and shook her head. "God, no, but... we've both been drinking and... and..."
It wasn't worry, really, what Alex could see in her eyes. It was fear. "And I've never been with a woman." She ground between her teeth. She pulled away from Maggie, turning her back on her.
"Alex, please, talk to me."
"What's there to say? You told me you didn't wanna be with a newbie. I should've listened." Alex hugged her middle. She couldn't believe this was happening again. After they'd agreed to come here, after they'd kissed and... she'd allowed herself to be happy.
"That's not what I said. And it's not what I'm saying now." Maggie touched her back, then leaned her head between her shoulder blades. Her arms came around Alex' middle, hugging her.
"What are you saying exactly?"
"I'm asking if you're sure. I want to know how you feel. I want you to stop and think if you want it this way, a little drunk... I don't want you to wake up in the morning and regret... anything we did."
Alex held Maggie's hands, then she losened them and turned within the embrace. She took Maggie's face between her hands, caressing her cheeks with her thumbs.
"I waited so long, Maggie. Not just for you, but... for feeling this way about somebody." She couldn't keep from smiling. "It's what I've been looking for since that first time Connor Lewis kissed me."
She pressed an almost chaste kiss on Maggie's lips, resisting the urge to stay there. This situation obviously needed for her to explain herself once again, to convince Maggie that this was right, that she wanted it.
"This has nothing to do with me being drunk. I'm not saying I'm completely sober, but... well, it helps a little with my nerves, because I am nervous. I'm nervous because I'm with you and because I've never wanted anyone this much. I'm nervous because I'm new at this. But I'm not nervous about being here with you. I wanna make love, finally. I wanna make love to you. Will you show me?"
Maggie's eyes shone and she was smiling at Alex. "Yes," she said, pulling Alex closer.
Alex lowered her head and kissed her. And this time, she stayed.
The morning sun hit Alex' face and for a moment, she was disoriented. Opening her eyes against the gleam, she realized that she never closed the blinds last night. Her head hurt a little, but her body seemed blissfully rested and satiated. The arm around her middle, the body pressed against her back were sure indicators that she hadn't been dreaming.
It really happened. Alex couldn't keep from smiling. She caressed Maggie's arm, then slowly turned inside the embrace. The movement woke Maggie.
"Mh-hm, morning," she said, smiling.
Alex went in for a kiss, just a good morning-kiss because she could. "Morning."
"You seem happy."
"Funny fact about me: it makes me happy to get what I want. I'm spoiled that way."
Maggie chuckled. "I've gotten to know you a little, Danvers. You may be many delightful things, but spoiled isn't one of them." This time, Maggie leaned forward and kissed Alex. It was more than a good morning-kiss this time. It lasted for several delicious minutes.
"What about you?" Alex asked as she lay her head back down on the pillow.
Maggie raised an eyebrow in question.
"Are you happy? Or do you have regrets about... about last night?"
"No, no regrets," Maggie quickly assured Alex. She let her hand glide up Alex' back, then down. The movement painted Alex' skin with goosebumps. "It was... amazing. And I'm happy too."
Alex took a deep breath. She felt a little foolish to be this insecure, but she was also relieved that last night was good for both of them. She lay her hand between Maggie's breasts, savoring the soft feel of her skin there.
"I know this is... not what you initially wanted," she said, not able to look Maggie in the eyes.
"What I wanted was for you to be happy, Alex."
"For me to be happy with someone else," Alex argued.
Maggie sighed. "Yes, because of what I said, remember?"
Alex frowned. She wasn't sure what Maggie was referring to.
"These relationships, first relationships, rarely last. I didn't want... to be your first because I know how it feels to get carried away with how new and exciting this all is. I had a very... intense first relationship with a woman. And it ended badly."
Maggie shook her head. "Don't be. It bordered on abusive, the way we treated each other. It wasn't healthy. I don't want that for you."
"But you would never treat me like that," Alex said with a small smile.
"No, I wouldn't. But I guess I'm a little fearful for myself."
"I would never--"
"Not like that, no. I know that. But just because you won't hurt me the same way my first girlfriend did, doesn't mean that you won't hurt me at all. And considering how much you came to mean to me in a relatively short time..."
Now it was Alex' turn to frown. "I don't set out to hurt people, especially not you."
"I know, but I still got scared. It's been a while since I cared for someone this way. I haven't allowed myself to and there are reasons for that."
Alex nodded. "Are you gonna tell me?"
"I probably should, yeah, but... not right now." A mischievous smile graced her lips. "Right now, I want to do something else." She captured Alex' lips with her own, pressing forward then upward with her body and pushing Alex into the mattress.
"I like that something you do," Alex whispered as Maggie's lips abandoned hers to kiss elsewhere, seemingly everywhere. "I like it very much."
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