Brian's Bits

Something Completely Different

I'm sure that like me, every now and again you'll wonder why some scenes in canon went the way they did. Also like me, I'm sure you've also come up with some ideas on how things could be different - perhaps influenced by other things you've seen or read?

In any case, I'm sure the following collection of unrelated scenes would never be found in canon...

Disclaimer: Not only do I not own Harry Potter, I also don't own Red Dwarf, Monty Python, The Princess Bride, The Court Jester, 'Allo 'Allo, Lord of the Rings or a certain brand of chocolate.

. . .

(Just another day in Potions class...)

Harry: Excuse me professor, but your chalk is smudged a bit, is that 11 or 17 clockwise stirs before adding the lacewing flies?

Snape: 10 points from Gryff-

Harry: I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the professor!

Snape: Idiot boy! I'm the professor teaching you potions!

Harry: No, Professor Blackboard is teaching us potions!

Snape: It's just a blackboard you idiot, Another 10 points from Gryff-

Harry: So what have you taught us then? How to handle our knives? How to slice ingredients? Why certain potion ingredients react a certain way? Anything... anything at all that we can't just as easily read in a book, or on Professor Blackboard?

Snape: I... that's...

Harry: I'll just look up the correct number of stirs in the book shall I? Unless you actually know?

Snape: Well...

Harry: Thought so! No wonder you copy the instructions from the book onto a blackboard. 10 points from the professors for being a dunderhead!

. . .

(Harry gets some feedback on his Divination OWL result)

Ron: So, how'd you manage to fail Divination then?

Harry: Bloody Trelawney! I mean, I knew I was taking a chance with the two prophecies I used but... Here, look at the comments she wrote!

Trelawney: "My poor, dear boy, I'm afraid it is all too clear to me that you simply don't have the inner eye at all. Your first dream beginning; 'IT WILL HAPPEN TONIGHT' is far too specific for a real prophecy. Your other example starting; "THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO VANQUISH THE DARK LORD APPROACHES" is obscure enough, I grant you, but I see it for what it is... just some made up old rubbish like all your homework."

Harry: Rotten old bat.

Ron: I concur.

. . .

(What if Harry started living up to his heritage?)

Albus: Well, Harry, thank you for your time. Can I offer you a lemon drop before you go

Harry: No thank you, sir. I prefer my chocolate. Would you like some? It's Muggle chocolate.

Albus: Thank you Harry, I believe I will.

Harry: Here, take the rest, I've got plenty and can always get more.

Albus: Most kind of you, Harry. Please help yourself to some lemon drops in exchange.

Harry: Goodbye, sir

Albus: Goodnight, Harry. And thank you for the chocolate.


Gred and Forge: So what did you want to talk to us about?

Harry: Have I ever told you about Ex-Lax?

. . .

(What if Harry decided turnabout was fair play against his stalker?)

Demelza: It looks like you've got an admirer! where did you get the chocolates?

Romilda: I don't know! Let me check... (SQUEEEEE) They're from Harry!!

Demelza: They're not! Really?

Romilda: ...and they taste simply divine! In fact, they probably taste as yummy as Ron's lips would. Do you know Ron?

. . .

(If you've never watched Red Dwarf, skip this one as it won't make sense)

Severus: You wanted to see me, Headmaster? I assume it was about those points I took from that arrogant Gryffindor for breathing too loudly?

Albus: Severus, you are a smeeeee..

Snape: A what?

Albus: A smeeeee... a smeeeeeeeeg heeeeeeeeeeead

Snape: A smeeeeeeeeg heeeeeeeeeeead?

Albus: A complete and total one!

. . .

(Albus tells Harry abut the Horcruxes...)

Harry: Horcruxes, Sir?

Albus: Yes, Harry. The diary you destroyed in the chamber was one. Very little is known about them. It took me a long time to find any books at all that gave any hint of what they could do.

Harry: But you did find one? A book I mean?

Albus: Oh, yes. And I learned from it how to destroy them!

Harry: That's wonderful! So how do we do it?

Albus: It seems when you find them, you'll have to take them to Mount Doom in Mordor, then throw them into the lava.

Harry: ...

Albus: Yes, it is hard to believe, I know.

Harry: You're joking right?

Albus: Harry, it is a dangerous journey. It seems in the past, that the Dark Lord Sauron made many Horcruxes, and gave them to his servants. There were nine for mortal men alone!

Harry: I can't believe I skipped snogging for this...

Albus: Harry, we're going to have to assemble a fellowship.

Harry: Right, good thinking, you do that and I'll go.. err, prepare. (mutters) I can't wait to tell Hermione this one, she's gonna laugh til she pees...

. . .

(Surely there were easier ways to get Potter to the graveyard than entering him in the tournament?)

Moody: ...only one person ever survived the killing curse, and he's sitting in this room!

Moody: Potter stay back after class.


Potter: What did you want to see me about?

Moody: Take a look at this.

Potter: What is it? (reaches for object, disappears)

Moody: (mutters) a Portkey

Moody: (Grabs another Portkey, disappears)

(or perhaps even...)

Malfoy: Granger, they're after Muggles, D'you want to be showing off your knickers in midair? Because if you do, hang around... they're moving this way, and it would give us all a laugh.

Harry: Hermione's a witch

Malfoy: Have it your own way, Potter. If you think they can't spot a Mudblood, stay where you are. Here, catch!

Potter: (catches object then disappears)

Ron: Where did he go, Malfoy?

. . .

(What do you get when you cross Harry Potter with The Court Jester and the Princess Bride?)

Draco: That's it Potter! I challenge you to a midnight duel!

Harry: Hardly! I'll be busy sleeping! Let's make it an hour from now.. unless you're too cowardly that is?

Draco: I'll be there, Potter!


Draco: Did you do it?

Pansy: Yes. Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once. The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true..

Draco: The pellet with the pestle's in the palace with the..? What?

Pansy: The pellet with the… Oh, just drink from the chalice, Malfoy!


Draco: Ha Ha! I fooled you! You should never have.. Urk!

Pansy: What? How did you...?

Harry: I've been building up a resistance to Iocane pellets.. I made sure to slip one in both cups..

. . .

(What happens when Vernon finally gets sent to Azkaban as he deserves?)

Vernon: Ow!

Chained prisoner (Bellatrix): You lucky, lucky, ba-

Vernon: What? What are they going to do to me?

Bella: Oh, you'll probably get away with the Cruciatus

Vernon: Cruci-whatsis?

Bella: Yeah, first offence. Best thing the Dark Lord's ever done for us.. Oh yeah, if we didn't have the Cruciatus, this country'd be in a right bloody mess.

Vernon: Guard!

Bella: Curse 'em up I say!

Vernon: Guard!

Bella: Curse some sense into 'em!

Guard: Whaddya want?

Vernon: I want you to move me to another cell away from this freak!

Guard: Hah! Crucio!

Bella: Oh, look at that! Bloody favouritism!

Guard: Shaddup you!

Bella: Sorry!

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