The Evil Beneath Loch Hog
A.N: This story was written for the Mary-Sue Challenge in .uk. The objective was to create a story where one mocked the clichés of HP fanfiction and the concept of a Mary-Sue. I decided to go in a different direction than what others would have done and wrote this story. Mostly, I have written this due to lack of ideas for HPATUV and Prodigy (although I hope to have something after June ends).
The Evil Beneath Loch Hog
"Tell me once more, Hermione," Harry asked, exasperated. "Why are we here?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. She had already explained this to her best friend at least thirty times, but either the boy was too idiot (which she would most likely expect from someone like Goyle), he wasn't paying much attention or he really didn't like to be here, in the middle of the Great State of California.
"We are here because, for some reason, a Squib film director wanted to make a film about our adventures, and Ron was so incredibly attracted to the idea that he didn't read the small letter and signed, and now we have to be here to make sure that the film goes as it should," she explained, her tone clearly indicating how fed up she was with the constant questioning.
Calm down, Harry, Ginny said. I like this less than you do, and I am already planning several funny things for my dear brother.
Get me in the planning and it'll become memorable, Harry promised, with a smile. Ever since his bonding to Ginny in his sixth year, her fifth, both of them had been able to communicate through telepathy, but it hadn't been the only benefit for them. They had also been able to share the things they had learned during school, among them Tom Riddle's memories which he had foolishly let into the diary and that had made their way into Ginny's mind, although they had been repressed by the small eleven-year-old. Once both of them bonded, they had managed to lift the veil and go through all of that during one night. Ginny had learned so many things that Headmaster Dumbledore had accepted her skipping her sixth year, which had let the two lovers leave school at the same time.
Oh, god, not another joke from the Marauders'-Pranking-Manual, Ginny thought, easily knowing what Harry was thinking about.
Come on, Gin, those are really funny! Harry said with a whine.
Don't you dare to even suggest that we use one of your father's pranks! Nor your uncle Sirius's! We need to be original for once! Ginny exclaimed through their bond.
Hardly a few months ago, after Voldemort had been defeated, he had discovered that Sirius had been blood-adopted into the Potter family after he ran away from the Black mansion. For some reason, this hadn't canceled the part of him that made him the heir to the Black fortune: thanks to this, Harry had been able to inherit all of the Black Family holdings, since the blood adoption had made him Sirius' nephew, thus quashing the Malfoy's hopes to get their hands into that fortune, as they had claimed that their being Sirius' last living relatives superseded Harry's position as Sirius' godson.
Harry had, of course, inherited the Potter Mansion, his parents' house in Godric's Hollow and Number 12 Grimmauld Place. The biggest surprise had been, when he looked around the Black Family ledger, he discovered that the lands where the Eiffel Tower stood where, in fact, property of the Black Family, and Buckingham Palace had once been one of the Potter's family manors, which they leased to the Muggle monarchs under the condition that they lead Great Britain without imposing their whims to the population. He had, for a moment, thought about forcing the French Government to pull the Eiffel Tower out of his lands just for the kicks. That plan had lasted exactly ten seconds, the time between his mentioning it to his friends and Hermione trying to hit him with his Firebolt until he swore that he wouldn't do it.
Damn, that's no fair, Gin-Gin. You play dirty, Harry complained.
Beware of what you call me, mister, or else we'll see who can survive more time underwater.
Harry rolled his eyes at her threat to use her control over the element of water to drown him, but he knew it was a joke. At least he hoped it was a joke.
"We are here," Hermione said. Then she looked at her boyfriend, Ron, who had fallen asleep on her shoulder. She thought it would be a rather cute thing to see him asleep, but for his drooling, which wasn't exactly conductive to her health.
"Ron, wake up," Hermione said, shaking Ron's shoulder.
"Huh? Whozzat?" Ron said, sleepily.
"It's your girlfriend, Ronald. Better wake up or else you will miss what we have come to see here."
"Oh, OK," Ron said, with a grin as he remembered what they were coming to see. Some Squib had offered to make a movie about their adventures, and he had jumped into it as soon as he got a hold in a quill. Of course, he hadn't realized that his signature was perfectly acceptable and binding for the four of them as well as several others they didn't know about it. That had prompted Hermione to send him to the doghouse (well, the hippogriff house: he had been sent to sleep to Buckbeak's room by Hermione until he wrote a million times the words "I will never jump into doing any thing my girlfriend thinks it's stupid just because it looks funny and/or interesting.") But now, all that was forgotten, and they were about to see whether that guy would do a good film about them.
"Hello!" a bearded man said, rising his sunglasses as a saluting way. "I suppose that you are Mr Harry Potter, Mr Ronald Weasley, Miss Hermione Granger and Miss Cyril Weasley."
"GINNY Weasley," Ginny said growling.
The man raised his eyebrows and looked again at his list. "Oh, god, not another... Sorry, Miss Weasley, the idiot who wrote this note has an awful hand-writing and it looked like 'Cyril' instead of 'Ginny'. I'm Sir Ollie Vande Raven Abraxan Nayami, but you may call me Sovran!"
"Huh?" Ron asked.
"My parents were really bored, and had a very long list of names for when I was born," Sovran said, as if it explained everything. Harry supposed that it might explain it, but he decided not to comment that Sovran's parents must have really hated their son for giving him such a name.
"Well, anyway, I'm to be your assistant for the time you are here in the sunny California, and I hope that you'll like it."
"Will there it be time to go to the beach?" Ginny asked.
"Oh, of course! I will take you to the shops if you wish!" Sovran exclaimed happily.
Immediately, Harry got a picture of Ginny in a small black bikini.
Witch, Harry thought, smiling. You really like to push my buttons, don't you?
Of course, Mr Potter. After all, I do know that your reply is always VERY interesting whenever I do it, Ginny thought back at Harry, grinning widely.
"Where are we going first?" Harry asked, trying to eliminate the image Ginny had planted on his brain, to no avail.
"First, your hotel. It's near the studio, so we can walk there while I show you the sights around. There, you will be meeting the actors that will play you in the film, and you will be able to assist the filming of the first scenes. There are a couple of people you know that are arriving here tomorrow, but, for the moment, you are the only ones here."
"Let's go, then," Ron said. "I really want to see what's going on in there."
"NO, NO, NO!" Harry shouted as three teenagers – a dark haired boy with glasses and something similar to a scar on his forehead, a dark-skinned boy and a buxom, heavily made up bushy-haired girl rushed up through a passage.
"CUT!" the director, a man by the name of Matthew Viridian, shouted as well. Then, he turned towards Harry. "What's the matter with you, Mr Potter? Why do you feel the need to cut us off in one of the most important scenes of the film?"
"Well, for starters, the way you are playing off the encounter with Voldemort sucks!" Harry shouted back.
"What did you expect then, Mr Potter? For him to appear and say 'Harry... I am your father'?"
"NO! The mere notion of it is not only laughable, but disgusting! Not to mention that – sorry for this, Hermione – Hermione isn't as perfect as you play her out! She didn't have that much cleavage back then, and even if she had, I doubt that she would be able to run around without – er – getting loose! She has never been as even-tempered as Sue Mary looks like, not a god-damned tear after 'Ron'," here Harry did the quote marks with his hands, "insulted her! She wasn't exactly the best on a broom, so that doesn't account for the Sue girl to fly around like a pro and distracting the keys! And, seriously, Ron isn't dark-skinned! He is as fair-skinned as an eighteenth-century nobleman!"
"Oh, sorry, your Majesty, I was just trying to show you as someone that doesn't care about someone's skin color, but obviously I was mistaken," Viridian replied sarcastically on his West-American drawl.
Harry rolled his eyes. "I'm just trying to tell you that, if you are planning to make a film about me, at least do try to stay close to the actual events!"
"Hmm, guys," the actor playing Harry – Harry hadn't caught his name, but, for some reason, everyone there called him Milarqui – said, "there is some blond dude out there. I think he must be the guy that hates Mr Potter."
"Malfoy? What the hell is that rodent doing here?" Ron asked, disgusted.
"Obviously, Ronald, he's here because of your brilliant idea of jumping into signing the stupid contract without reading it!" Hermione replied, wishing she had her trusted Hogwarts, A History book to hit him on the head, but immediately rejected the idea: the book was too valuable to use it by bash her boyfriend, even if he was being really dense.
"Indeed, Granger, Weasel's move really beat his own standards of stupidity," Malfoy said, a sneer in his face and a pair of tight leather trousers in his legs. However, when he gave three more steps, he slipped in a puddle that had miraculously appeared in his way and he fell, making a THUD! sound as his head hit the floor. Ron snorted.
"Hah! How's that for you, albino rat!" he muttered.
"I think he's unconscious," Sue Mary said in her melodious voice.
"Sue, drop the act, we know that's not your voice," the boy who 'played' Ron – Jimmy – said.
"I was trying to keep it on for the next scene!" Sue Mary replied, her voice dropping and becoming too acute for everyone's senses. "Oh, damn, look at what you have done now!" she said, crying, and Harry frankly couldn't get angry with her for wanting to have the melodious voice, as her normal voice seemed to be at the same range of a house-elf.
Meanwhile, Ron had taken out his wand and was pointing it at Malfoy, while muttering something under his breath.
"Oh, God, not another... Ron! Stop trying to change Malfoy into a..." Hermione said, finding her voice disappearing under a Silencio charm, hastily pulled off by Harry, so that she couldn't interrupt Ron: he was really going to enjoy this too much.
"And... behold! Here you are, the true face of Mr Draco Regulus Malfoy!" Ron said, proudly, as he levitated the transformed Malfoy with his wand. He was truly an splendid specimen of Mustela putorius furo that wouldn't have looked out of place in the middle of its kind.
Harry, Ginny, Milarqui and Jimmy laughed out loud, while Sue Mary smiled and Hermione seemed to be torn between berating Ron and laughing along her friends.
By the end of the day, which Malfoy spent transformed, Harry saw as the actor that played Voldemort – arguably the one that looked most in-character – shouted at the 'Death Eaters'. One very memorable scene had him shouting "And he must be taken alive!" to the quivering idiots (that, somehow, didn't know that Plexiglas visors were far better than those stupid white masks), although he had to say that the ones where he rejected Malfoy Sr.'s suggestions just because they didn't fit with his idea of a perfect plan – that would somehow fail miserably because there were holes that a five-year-old kid could have seen – and his random bursting into maniacal laughter was frankly funny, and his attempt at double-crossing a demon had particularly been amusing – but not real – as, here, it would become the reason why Voldemort didn't have a nose.
And, although Harry saw many things that never happened – such as 'Harry' turning into a phoenix or flying without a broom – he let them pass, because Ginny would always distract him with her wonderful plans for the night whenever such a scene appeared.
By the end of the week, the four adults left the hotel for the last time and took a Portkey to England. Several months later, the film Harry Potter's Life hit the cinemas world-wide, becoming an instantaneous success, grossing more than $1,000,000,000 of benefits, of which a 3% went to each Harry, Ron, Ginny, Hermione and Malfoy, as well as other 1% to each of the people represented in the film. All in all, a great business done.
James Potter was rolling on the floor laughing, next to his best friend and blood brother Sirius Black, while Lily Potter tried – without success – to stop the two reprobates as the results of their meddling in the world of the living had their effect.
"JAMES POTTER! YOU'D BETTER CHANGE THAT THE WAY IT WAS BEFORE! NOW!" Lily shouted.
"Now, now, Lils, why would we want to do that? It's funnier this way!" James said, still laughing.
"Yeah, Tiger Lily, you can't get angry with us, we did it for your entertainment," Sirius continued.
"Oh, God, stop calling me Tiger Lily, Sirius Orion Black! I swear that if you say it another time, I'll blast your incorporeal body into tiny pieces!"
"Oooh, she's slipping! The red-haired temper is about to explode!" Sirius exclaimed, then he jumped behind the sofa as Lily started to curse him to kingdom come. James kept smirking, deciding that watching the show was far better than try to come in between the two of them. He just sat down in one chair, created some popcorn and started to eat as the movie kept going on.
* Yeah, yeah, I know, it isn't exactly the best thing ever, but it was the best thing I could do. I hope that it'll be good enough to get me one of the prizes, though.
Now, this is the list of things I did:
1. One way or another, show how the exaggerated attributes of the Mary-Sue don't fit into the established world. (I showed them through the girl that played Hermione in the film)2. Include at least three of the following fanfic clichés:a. Author insertion (Bonus points for writing Sovran into it as well.) (Done. I've inserted the following authors: Sir Ollivander, Raven, Abraxan, Nayami, Sovran, Viridian and myself)b. Implausible parentage (Bonus points for including the phrase "Harry... I am your father.") (Done: Harry's grandfather turns out to have adopted Sirius through a blood rite and the phrase is said by the director)c. Suddenly fix Harry's eyes (NOT)d. Make the two leads Head Boy and Girl and stash them in a shared Head Student dorm (NOT)e. Ginny skipped ahead a year (Mentioned in the first few paragraphs)f. Harry/Ginny bonded (Bonus points for creative typographical conventions for "thinkspeak".) (Done in the first few paragraphs. The typographical convention is quite clear).g. An OFC (Original Female Character) scoring 40 or more on the Mary-Sue Litmus Test (NOT)h. A MAHOOOSIVE inheritance for Harry, including at least two major global landmarks... and Potter Manor (Done: Harry has Buckingham Palace and the Eiffel Tower)i. Recurring confusion within the story as to the gender of Blaise Zabini (Bonus points for making it "none".) (Was going to do it, and was even going to have a "freemartin" (from Brave New World) play him in the film, but in the end NOT)j. Multiple variations of Ginny's real name, at least one of which should be "Cyril" (Only three variants: Gin, Gin-Gin and Cyril)3. Include at least one of the following clichéd archetypes:a. Super! Harry (Done: the actor playing Harry flies without a room and turns into a phoenix)b. Elemental! Ginny (Done: she controls water)c. Dark! Ron (Done: the actor playing Ron is dark-skinned. The rules didn't actually state that Dark! Ron had to be a Ron that used Dark Magic)d. Makeover! Hermione (Done: the actress that plays Hermione wears a lot of makeover.e. Leather Trousers! Draco (Bonus points for bringing him down to earth with a thud. Automatic loss for any story mentioning the word "f*****".) (Done: he wears leather trousers, he is brought down to earth with a thud (literally) and no one ever mentions the 6-lettered-f-word)4. Break at least three rules from the Evil Overlord list (or one of its spinoffs); list which rules at the end. (Done: he breaks Rule 1 (My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones), Rule 12 (One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation), Rule 17 (When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice), Rule 20 (Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly), Rule 54 (I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary) and Rule 78 (I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.")5. Find at least three fanfic clichés of your own and use them in the story; in each case, have a character remark upon them with some variation of "Oh god, not another..." (Done: Marauders-Pranking-Manual, Badly-Written-Names (this one has affected all of the Weasleys many times in fan fiction), Lily-being-called-Tiger-Lily (not sure if it will count))