Puck brings the Funk
I don't own Glee or any of its franchise…Now isn't that the most depressing thing you've ever read? Sigh…
A/N What's this? An update so soon? Well, I'm getting eager for this story to end to be honest so it won't be long now. Thanks for the reviews and comments, they really made it that much easier for me to find inspiration!
Unbetaed, but please let me know if there's any glaring mistakes so I can correct them as soon as possible!
"So Dude, what are we gonna do?" Finn's voice barely reached me through the haze of fury that had been dimming everything else in me since I'd walked out to that parking lot to see my girl covered in eggs.
But, I guess I'm jumping ahead a little too far for you to get what I mean. Well, it all started after a relatively quiet and peaceful week. I say relatively, 'cause after we pranced around like idiots doing kickass numbers from Kiss and Lady Gaga, we all had a motherfucking epic stare down with two of Beyonce's main bullies.
Suffice to say, we Gleeks stand together and even though I had felt a bit hypocritical promising some punches to my former friends for doing the exact same thing I used to do, I was legitimately pissed that people didn't seem to see what an awesome guy Kurt really was; no matter how much makeup the dude wore.
Anyway, after that, Rachel and I kept doing what we'd been doing ever since we'd said how we truly felt about each other and that was locking lips whenever possible. Being in love had its definite perks and I didn't even care how pussy whipped it made me seem when I eagerly fetched food in the cafeteria for Rachel, beaming like an idiot when she kissed me for my troubles. There was some groping too but that all happened under the tables; although, now that I think about it, I did get some knowing looks from Santana and Quinn.
Back to the story though, things started going haywire when suddenly, Vocal Adrenaline lead by St. Douche himself showed up and performed for us, doing their best to psyche us out. Although, I have to admit I was feeling a little inferior to the massive amounts of talent that jackass had, it felt good to see him flinch away from me whenever his eyes landed on me.
Once we'd exchanged some insults and what not, we all headed back to the choir room to find that with a little help from Sue Sylvester, Vocal Adrenaline had TP'ed the entire room and left us to deal with the clean up.
To be honest, I kind of thought it was funny, I mean, the attempts to get us all down were laughable. But sadly, in some instances it worked. Brittany was crying on Matt's shoulder, muttering about all the little toilet fairies that had nowhere to go after all the spoiled toilet paper. She's lucky she's hot, that's all I'm sayin'.
Santana and surprisingly Tina were cussing as they started ripping the white paper down from the chairs as the first ones and we all followed suit after that, determined to clean the place up.
But, like I said, I still thought it was kindda funny the way the other choir was trying to intimidate us. Hell, even Rachel could see the flattery in their blatant attempt at procuring our fears for the upcoming competition. Her words, not mine in case you were wondering.
Still, she had to resort to some major flaunting of her womanly goods, if you catch my drift, to make me reconsider going over to Carmel and flatten all of those tires on those pretty Range Rovers that I'd seen in the parking lot the day I went over and confronted Corcoran.
But, I wasn't really mad, just pumped up for some good natured retaliation, Puck style.
Then things changed and it went from funny to downright dangerous for my blood pressure.
It all started one day, a few days after the TP'ing incident. Artie, Matt, Mike, Finn and I were fooling around, strumming our guitars (or in Matt and Mike's case break dancing to the rhythm). The girls, sans Rachel and Quinn, who were out spending their lunch break looking at baby clothes again, were chatting amiably over by the chairs and moving sensually to the music we were making.
Suddenly, the door to the choir room burst open and Quinn came wobbling in, hands protecting her precious cargo, her blonde hair flying in every direction and her eyes looked wild.
I was already throwing my usually so cherished guitar in Mike's face and moving towards the exit as Quinn quickly explained, "The Carmel choir waited for us outside, then they started throwing eggs!"
I doubt I've ever run as fast as I did then, speeding outside to do my damndest to protect Rachel. Except, just as I rounded the last corner to the parking lot, I realized that I was too late and more importantly, that Rachel didn't need rescuing this time.
Covered in yokes and eggshells, surrounded by Vocal Adrenaline members, Rachel was staring furiously at a downed Jesse, who was clutching his groin like his life depended on it. Without thinking, I ran through the crowd and towards Rachel.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm perfectly all right Noah," Rachel replied, never taking her eyes away from her downed target, who was still moaning softly in agony on the ground. "I suggest you and your hoodlum friends take your business elsewhere. I shall not be intimidated by your childish provocative endeavors. If you do not vacate the premises as fast as you're able in your current condition, Jesse, I promise you that I shall show you that a kick in the groin is nothing compared to two such kicks!"
I nodded with a fierce scowl to the other Vocal Adrenaline members that were still standing around; looking completely flabbergasted over how much their plan seemed to have backfired on them. But, it didn't take them all long to realize that my girl meant business. Also, the remaining members of New Directions approaching with matching scowls seemed to kick them into gear too.
Rachel stood immobile, silently watching that the other choir members did as they were told. Her hands were splashed across her big belly and I'd be lying if I didn't think it was kind of hot to see her temper flare at someone else for a change.
Then, just as the last of the shiny cars disappeared from sight, Rachel blinked and her entire persona changed. It seemed like only a second passed, before she was hurling herself at me, practically wailing in despair over the tiny little babies that had perished on her head. She was completely inconsolable.
As I stood there, arms wrapped around a sobbing Rachel, my temper flared and I looked around and spotted Karofsky of all people standing on the edge of the crowd that had gathered to see if anything interesting had happened.
"You! What the fuck happened?" I asked, more or less growling.
Karofsky shrugged, his eyes lingering on Rachel in my arms with an almost reluctant respect shining through his usually so glaring face. "Those pansies called her out; she told Fabray to head inside and then walked over to them. Then they started throwing eggs at her and she just stood there while that curly haired asshole talked to her. Next thing I know, she'd kneed him in the balls and then you showed up."
"And you didn't think it'd be a big fucking idea to go help her before she was pummeled with eggs?"
Rachel wailed louder at my question, sobbing something with baby chicks and their brutal revenge from heaven or some crazy shit like that.
"Look Man," Karofsky bit his lip, not quite meeting my eyes. "I wasn't fast enough, all right? I might be a jack ass, but I wouldn't attack a pregnant chick, okay? You know that…"
His tone of voice was completely different from the self assured bully that he'd turned into after taking my place at the bully top at school; for the first time in months, Karofsky reminded me of that kid I used to hang out with whenever Finn wasn't around. Hell, I'd even preferred Karofsky's company at times because…well, he wasn't dumb as a doornail when it came to other chicks, despite his clear reluctance to share any intimate details with me.
I guess I was glad to see that he hadn't completely vanished under the peer pressure. I nodded my apology at him and turned my attention back to Rachel, who was clutching my shirt like it was a fucking lifeline.
"Come on, Babe," I whispered softly in her ear, "let's get you cleaned up." My burning rage and need for revenge was pushed in the background when she looked up at me with tearful eyes and nodded. Mutely, I wiped away a tear for her and took her hand, gently leading her inside to the locker rooms.
Once in there, I was met by Kurt, Quinn, Tina and Mercedes. They silently held out several towels, shampoos and general hair care products (some I'm sure came from Kurt's private stash from his locker). They took up guard outside the door, making sure that Rachel and I could have our privacy as she got cleaned up.
Later that day, I drove Rachel and Quinn home, with Finn sitting in the back as well. Evidently, he didn't dare leave her side in fear of her being targeted next. I could respect that.
Neither of the daddy Berry's were home, so I took Rachel's hand, told Quinn to keep Finn from eating everything in the fridge this time and walked towards our room.
Once inside, I tenderly planted Rachel on the bed and sat down behind her with my legs on each side of hers. My hands went to her stomach where our kid was surprisingly still for once. Maybe it knew enough to not annoy the seething mother?
I rested my head on Rachel's shoulder and just sat with her in silence. My insides still twisted with rage and I kept jumping from different plans to deal with those bastards without really settling on any real plan. It was Rachel's soft snore that alerted me to the fact that my silent attempt at comfort had worked better than expected and she'd fallen asleep.
Slowly, inch by inch, I started moving away from her and when I eventually was standing on my own two feet again, I took off the comforter on the bed and placed it over Rachel, smiling a bit when a snore was caught off midway by a passing of gas moment. It was very rare that Rachel passed gas around me and she kept on insisting that it was only something vile people of the male origin did to amuse themselves, so I enjoyed the proof and silently vowed to tell her about it at a later time.
Sighing, I rubbed my neck and swallowed back the desire to join Rachel on the bed for the unmanliest of unmanly things; a fucking snuggle. Instead, I made my way back downstairs to Finn and Quinn.
Quinn was sleeping too with her head resting on Finn's lap and I walked by the kitchen, grabbed one of those healthy as fuck sandwiches that Hiram always had stashed away in the back of the fridge, or at least, since he realized that I secretly loved them and then I sat down in the recliner next to Finn and ate in silence.
With every bite, my earlier anger at Jesse and the rest of the choir and hell, even Shelby Corcoran, seemed to grow and I think I might have growled a little as my teeth teared into the soft bread, 'cause Finn sent me a questioning look that had a hint of trepidation in it.
The silence was starting to get pretty heavy when Finn finally lost his patience and turned his head to me and asked with a serious gleam in his eyes, "So Dude, what are we gonna do?"
The anger that had been simmering under my skin since I'd seen Rachel covered in eggs, burned bright again and I clenched my jaw so hard that I swear some of my teeth started cracking in protest. "I wanna kick their asses so hard that it'll pop out through their mouths." I muttered.
Finn nodded, "yeah me too…but…uhm," his eyes travelled down to the sleeping Quinn, "I don't think violence is the way to go here…I mean; Rachel doesn't really like it, even though she sure didn't seem like it today."
I couldn't contain my smirk at the memory of just how appreciative Rach had been of violence, but then I got serious again, knowing that for once, Finn actually had a point. I know; it shocked me too!
"I want to do something that's really going to get them down – I just can't show up at Carmel again; for one, it's on their turf and secondly, Corcoran will definitely get me arrested if I threaten her choir just before Regionals."
"That's true," Finn agreed, "we just gotta try to be responsible here; we can't resort to beating stuff up every time things don't go our way. I mean, I don't want that for our kids, so it'd be hypo…uhm, you know not good."
"Fuck this sucks," I groaned, slamming my head backwards, but it didn't really give off any satisfactory sound due to the soft pillow behind my head so I just settled for closing my eyes, trying my damndest to come up with an idea.
"There's something quite obvious that you haven't even considered." Quinn's voice suddenly sounded and both Finn and I acted like total pussies and flinched.
Trying to cover it up, I ran a hand through my stubbles on my head, missing the 'hawk more than ever, and looked at her now wide open eyes with what I hope was a superior look. "Oh yeah? What's that, Fabray?"
"Talk to Rachel's dads. I don't know who will react more. Abraham or Hiram, but I do know that they'll both explode when they find out what happened today."
We were so lost in our conversation that neither one of us had heard the front door open and it was just typical that Abraham Berry overheard Quinn's last statement.
"What happened today kids?"
Quinn and Finn both looked at me, clearly expecting me to be the bearer of bad news. Judging from the fierce look in Abraham's dark eyes, I probably needed a body armor of some kind so that he didn't accidentally kill the messenger.
Summoning up my courage, I silently reminded myself that I was a fucking Man with a capital M and that I should just spill the beans. So, after a quick prayer to man upstairs, I got up and proceeded to do just that.
To say Abram wasn't pleased would be an understatement of the century…
After Abraham flew through the roof, making me pretty fucking happy that I wasn't the one on his shit list, Quinn went up to spend some time with Finn and I went back up to Rachel.
I decided that I wanted her day to end on a good note, so I woke her up using my mouth and my fingers, if you catch my drift. She did smile a lot more after that, so overall it worked like a charm.
The next day, when we got downstairs for breakfast before school, we discovered from a still seething Abraham that he'd located every parent of every member of Vocal Adrenaline, informing them of what had transpired and that he would personally see to it that each kid would pay dearly for doing something so despicable to a girl, a pregnant one at that.
Also, Abraham mentioned just as we were leaving, that he'd talked to Shelby Corcoran and told her in no uncertain terms that should she or any of her team members ever get within the same room as Rachel again when it wasn't necessary for competition reasons, he would get her ass fired faster than she could spell her own name.
And knowing Abraham as well as I did these days, I had no doubt that he meant every word of it.
When I pulled into the parking lot at McKinley High a little while later, I was pretty confused to see Karofsky standing alongside Matt and Mike, seemingly waiting for us. Rachel noticed Karofsky's presence as well and frowned at me. "What do you think he wants, Noah? I honestly don't think that I'm feeling up to yet another confrontation so soon."
"Don't worry, Babe, let me just go check what's going on."
She smiled and kissed my cheek with gratitude before I left the truck and made my way over to my two friends and the guy I used to call one.
"What's up, Guys?" Even I could hear the cautiousness in my voice and I cursed inwardly for showing my feelings so openly.
Surprisingly, it was Matt that spoke up and answered me. "Figured we'd back you up until Regionals is over. Can't watch Rachel twenty four seven after all."
Damn, I was actually pretty touched and if I didn't want to lose any cool points by, I don't know, hugging the life out of them, I had better try to pull myself together. "Oh," was all I came up with in the end.
Mike stepped closer, nodding in Karofsky's direction. "It was sort of Dave's idea. So, he's agreed to stop the slushy attacks, at least until after Regionals."
I looked at Karofsky, who looked almost sheepish in return. "I can't promise anything from the others, but I'll stop…for now," he added, throwing in his customary glower and I grinned like a fucking retard.
He continued with a bit more sincerity in his voice. "I know I'm not exactly a good person, but like I said yesterday; not even I would attack a pregnant chick…Stop looking at me like that you stupid Gleek."
As he turned, I noticed the small grin adjourning his features and I had a feeling that maybe, Karofsky wasn't so bad after all. "Hey, Dave!" I called out to him, forcing him to stop.
"Stop being such a homoexplosion," was all he said before he left and I amended silently that perhaps Karofsky had a bit too many layers for me to really figure out at that moment. Instead, I turned to my truck and helped Rachel out, grabbed her poor excuse of a school bag and walked with her inside, hand in hand, ready for another day.
In the end, it was a pretty decent day. Somehow when I arrived at the choir room later that afternoon from a talk with one of my teachers (he fucking thought I was cheating since my grades kept going up – asshole), I discovered that Rachel, Kurt, Brittany and Santana of all people had put together a kickass number that should hopefully funkify Vocal Adrenaline a bit.
It turned out to be an awesome performance, although Rachel and I delivered our usual round of amusement for the other Gleeks when I refused to let her participate in the vigorous dancing on stage, my protective instincts too big to ignore. Fortunately, Rachel didn't have the energy to fight me too hard and I ended up getting my way.
She was still in the act though, I wouldn't dream of trying to stop that; hell, she trotted out on stage in front of St. Hurting Ball sack and the others and introduced us like a fucking pro before daintily sitting down on a chair that had been placed on stage beforehand to sing along with us and watch with happiness shining out of her as we performed, 'Funk'.
Quinn proved to me a few minutes into the song, that pregnant girls can dance and look all kinds of hot while doing so and I knew that if it hadn't been for the danger to our kid, Rachel would have been right there beside her and bringing it too.
I danced towards her and made damn sure she was included too; I even kissed her and was so caught up in the moment that I barely noticed the end of the song. To cover up my inattentiveness, I helped Rachel to her feet, slung my arm around her and casually told the douches that we'd see them at Regionals.
I couldn't wait to show them up there too. 'Cause New Directions fucking ruled!
A/N if you enjoyed, let me know. If you didn't, let me know. Because to be brutally honest, I have my doubts about this chapter seeing as it's not that original...Aside from that; Have a great week all! Happy Birthday to our beloved Kevin McHale btw :D I doubt he's ever gonna read this, but still :D
Until Next Time
Extra note since I got a review about it: The reason that Rachel's not dancing despite Quinn being further along is that earlier on in her pregnancy she had that scare, remember? Quinn didn't and Finn, although protective of Quinn isn't as obsessive about this as Puck is. Got it? I'll write this again in the next chapter since those who asked haven't logged in, nor given me an e-mail adress, that I can reply to.