I have lived a long life and I don’t know how to say this but I’m glad to be dying. After you’ve been through as much as I have…death almost seems like a gift. Finally, I can go in peace. End whatever pain life had in store for me. But then there’s also this part of me that does not want to die. It wants to hold out. Live. I don’t know why. What has life given me? Does life even matter, in the end? Why should I live when I have nothing to live for?
But you have me, a voice whispered from the darkness.
Who are you? I asked it. You-You don’t remember me? It questioned. Of course, I don’t remember. I remember nothing.
No, I told it.
A sigh. Then, I suppose I should have known.
I was confused. Known what? I asked.
That this would happen. After all, the process nearly killed you. I knew I was dying but…what?
What process? I asked. You’ll know when the time is right. The voice replied. But…but who am I? I asked.
A pause. A soft laugh.
Who you are? Wouldn’t you like to know that? Running after one question your whole life only to find that the answers you seek have damned you.But what she said-yes, it was definitely a she-made no sense. Somehow, I knew she was wrong but she sounded so right.
No, I struggled to say. She was so damn convincing I almost-almost-believed her. Suddenly, I realised I was going to wake up soon and I wouldn’t be able to talk to her. That’s why I was struggling. But I needed to know the truth. No, you’re wrong. I know who I am. I am…I struggled. My memories felt like mush. Like I was wading through them but I couldn’t bring myself to see them.
The woman laughed. Stop struggling, little one, she chided. It’s time for you to wake up.
But I couldn’t wake up. There was something that had to be done. A game that wasn’t fully played. A dangerous game. A trickster. A liar. A friend. A lover. The last hand to be played. I knew who I was. Who I am. I should remember. But for some reason, I couldn’t. But the answer was right there. So near I could feel it.
I awoke from sleep with a start. I was in a familiar place, my bed. My whole body was burning up, maybe I had a fever? I felt weird as if I was missed something important. I shook my head. I probably just forgot to turn off the microwave again.