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The Bi-Millennial Deity Conference

By Andy Coffey All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Fantasy

Untitled Chapter

The Bi-Millennial Deity Conference

The Bi-millennial Deity conference is a grand event where Gods, Demi-Gods and mythical figures from all the major, minor, fledgling and even non-existent religions meet to discuss the current state of the Multiverse, changes and improvements to policies, upcoming mystical events, and who has the most statues. The event is hosted on a rotating basis and minutes and records are closely guarded and stored in the Principal Akashic Library. However, following a major lapse in security, the library systems were hacked by an undercover journalist and the partial records of the 15,876th meeting were, for a short time, made publicly available.

The Official Records of the 15,876th Bi-Millennial Deity Conference

Location – Valhalla

Host – Odin

Primary Attendees (Deities): Zeus, Hera, Hercules, Uranus (Greece), God (Christianity), Jupiter, Juno, Mars, Neptune, (Roman), Vishnu, Brahma, Kali (Hindu), Odin, Frigg, Thor, Loki, Tyr (Norse), Pangu, Si-wang-mu (Yin), Mu Gong (Yang) (Chinese), Osiris, Isis, Thoth (Egyptian), Buddha (Independent), Quetzalcoatl (Aztec), Anu, Ea, Damkina, Ishtar (Babylonian), Izanimi, Izanagi (Japan).

Attendees (Non-deities, guests of honour and interested parties):

Confucius, Lao Tzi, King Arthur, Bernard and Dennis (fledgling religion for The Brotherhood of Alligator), Elvis Presley, William Shakespeare.

Apologies for non-attendance: Prophet Mohammed, Horus, Mother Theresa.

Agenda:

1.  Welcome and registration

2.  Opening speech - Odin

3.  Freewill debate - God

4.  Coffee/Ale break

5.  Guest Speech: The generation of peace and harmony throughout the Multiverse - Buddha

6.  ‘Icon of the Year’ presentation - Zeus

7.  Tea and biscuits/Ale break

8.  ‘Vision of Honour Raffle’ - Vishnu

9.  Closing speech - Odin

10.  Evening meal/Ale and entertainment – including Mozart/Beethoven piano battle

(Partial transcript from ‘Welcome and registration’)

‘Well, fancy seeing you here, you old bugger! How are you?’

‘I fare well, good Odin,’ replied Zeus. ‘And you?’

‘Not so bad, really. I did hit the ale a little too hard at the pre-conference party last night, though, so I’m suffering a bit. You really don’t want to have a drinking competition with the Egyptians, you know. I never knew old Osiris had it in him. And the language out of Isis! You wouldn’t believe such a sweet mouth could utter such words. Very funny jokes though.’

‘Did she tell you the one about the phoenix, the priest, the scarab, and the assorted candles?’ Zeus enquired.

‘Laughed so hard I nearly shat myself,’ said Odin

‘Anyway,’ he continued, ‘is your good lady attending today?’

‘Hera? Yes, she’s over there chatting to Aphrodite and Kali. I’ll call her over. Hera, Hera,’ Zeus shouted, in the direction of his wife. ‘Look which old scallywag I’ve bumped into.’

‘Hello, you old dog,’ Hera said to Odin, running over and planting a kiss on his bearded cheek, ‘lovely to see you.’

‘Likewise, of course, my lady, it is rare that Valhalla is treated to such beauty. And may I say that your wonderful dress serves well in displaying your most exquisite charms.’

‘Oh, stop it Odin,’ Hera said, blushing.

‘Indeed, though,’ Odin continued ‘the cut is most complimentary. You must congratulate the designer, as he or she no doubt understands to perfection how to amplify the effect of the bosom of my favourite goddess, as to set my heart racing and my blood coursing.’

‘Will you stop looking at my wife’s cleavage you randy old fool!’ Zeus admonished.

‘Oh, Zeus, he’s only being playful,’ Hera said, ‘and anyway, I find his ways very charming,’ she added, fluttering her eyelashes.

‘Why thank you, kind Hera,’ Odin replied, with a sideways smile at Zeus.

‘You can take that smug look off your face right now, my old friend,’ Zeus growled. ‘You won’t look so smug with a lightning bolt up your arse, I can tell you.’

(…the transcript then moves on to reveal part of the ‘Opening speech’…)

‘Fellow Gods, guests and those of you who bribed the doormen, I extend a warm welcome to you all for this our 15,876th conference. You will be relieved to know that I will keep the speech short and will ensure that the ale remains readily available throughout the day.’

(Laughter and applause)

‘And please make sure you get your raffle tickets for the ‘Vision of Honour’ Raffle’ later. This event’s winner will get a chance to provide the vision of his/her choice to one of our carefully selected planets. And don’t forget all proceeds from the raffle are distributed to worthy causes throughout the Multiverse, after the standard reductions required for administration and distribution. And please remember to write your name clearly on the back of your ticket before placing it into the ceremonial bucket when the girls bring it round later. Also, our evening entertainment includes the long-awaited piano battle between Mozart and Beethoven, which promises to be a lively affair given the taunting and arguments that took place at the weigh-in and press conference yesterday.’

(…the transcript moves on the guest speech from Buddha…)

‘My friends, the Multiverse today requires our earnest attention. Division is rife and it is our responsibility to restore balance and harmony, so as to perpetuate an everlasting flow of good karma…’

‘You know, I really like Buddha but he can be a bit melodramatic at times,’ whispered Hercules, son of Zeus.

‘Indeed,’ responded Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, ‘he dost often delveth into the most sacred of matters and canst become immersed in their profundity.’

‘Why are you speaking like that?’ said Hercules. ‘You sound like a right pillock.’

‘I hath been taking archaic elocution lessons to enhanceth my image.’

‘Art thou taking the pisseth?’ Hercules laughed. ‘Wait until Mars hears this. Hey, Mars,’ he called to the next table, ‘Thor’s started speaking like a right fop. He thinks he’s bloody Shakespeare or something.’

‘Get thee hence, uncouth barbarian. Dare thee not to seek to make my personage blameworthy in this matter,’ William Shakespeare said from the opposite table.

‘Ooh, get Willy there, will you. Keep your wig on, mate,’ Hercules responded.

‘Will you please be quiet,’ Neptune the Roman God of the Sea chided. ‘I’m trying to listen.’

‘Can you smell fish? I can smell fish,’ Hercules said.

‘Very funny,’ said Neptune. ‘You better watch yourself next time you’re at sea, you over-muscled, egotistical halfwit.’

‘You watch who you’re calling “egotistical”, gill features.’

‘Ssssshhhhh,’ Uranus, the Roman God of the Sky hissed. ‘Buddha’s saying something significant here. Stop being so ignorant, Hercules.’

‘Oh, don’t be such a party pooper, Uranus,’ said Loki, the Norse God of Mischief. ‘Hercules is only having a bit of fun.’

‘Yeah, thanks Loki,’

‘And anyway,’ Loki added, ‘he’s hardly likely to take the advice of someone who’s named after somebody’s bottom, is he?’

‘Well I never!’ said Uranus.

‘Well maybe you should,’ said Loki, ‘and then you’d lighten up a bit!’

‘Good one, Loki!’ said Hercules.

‘Now look here,’ Thoth, the Ibis-headed Egyptian God of Wisdom, said, with exasperation. ‘Will you all please just pack it in. Most of us would like to listen to Buddha and believe he has an important message. It is vital that we encourage universal peace and harmony, lead by example and ensure that this message of love is inculcated throughout all life forms in the Multiverse.’

‘Oh, shut it, bird-face,’ Hercules said.

‘Right, that’s it,’ Thoth said, standing up, ‘bring it on then you gormless, Greek delinquent. I’ll peck your bloody eyes out.’

(Scuffles break out in the Great Hall)

‘Please, please, my friends,’ Buddha pleaded. ‘Is it any wonder our beloved Multiverse is filled with torment and suffering when we who should be the most compassionate of beings cannot settle our differences amicably?’

‘Sorry about this, Buddha,’ Odin said jumping onto the rostrum, ‘but it’ll calm down in a minute. They really should show you more respect.’

‘Thank you, kind Odin, but I do not desire respect,’ Buddha replied, ‘for that is merely a facet of ego. And ego blocks compassion. I have thankfully attained peace of mind and have long since abandoned the need for attachments of that nature.’

‘Well good for you,’ Odin said.

‘Anyway,’ Buddha said, pointing at his chest and shouting at the scuffling crowd below, ‘who’s got the most statues, eh?!’

(…the transcript moves on to the ‘Vision of Honour Raffle’…)

‘Ok, it’s now time for the raffle,’ Odin announced, ‘and I’d like to invite our great compatriot, Lord Vishnu, to the stage to draw the winning ticket.’

(Warm applause as Vishnu makes his way to the rostrum)

‘Right, then,’ said Vishnu, as he put one of his four hands into the bucket.

‘Make sure you just pick one, Vishnu,’ Odin advised. ‘It got pretty nasty last time out.’

‘And the winning ticket is… why it’s none other than the king himself; it’s Elvis Presley!’ Vishnu announced.

(More applause as Elvis makes his way to the stage)

‘Ah, I’m glad he’s won,’ said Hercules, joining in the applause. ‘I love listening to him.’

‘Yes, it doth warmeth my heart and doth provideth sustenance to my loins in these most testing of times. Verily, his fetlocks art replete,’ Thor replied.

‘Have you any idea what you’re actually saying, Thor?’

‘Er, no, not really. Sounds good, though, doesn’t it.’

‘No, Thor, it doesn’t.’

‘He’s from our home town, you know,’ Dennis, High Priest of The Brotherhood of the Alligator, shouted over, pointing at Elvis.

‘Is he, now?’ replied Thor. ‘Have you met him?’

‘Well, we visited his grave once and said hello, but he must have been out,’ Bernard, High Priest of The Brotherhood of the Alligator, replied.

‘Have you two been sacrificed recently by any chance?’ asked Hercules.

‘Indeed,’ answered Dennis, ‘we were told we had been specially chosen by Arthur, our Lord Alligator.’

‘Yes, I can see why.’

‘Anyway,’ Hercules continued, ‘after the last vision debacle with Tiahuizcalpantecuhtil I’m sure that Elvis will do a much better job.’

‘Why, what happened?’ Thor asked.

‘Well, he went to a planet in the Dyslexia-Prime system and gave them a morning prayer that included saying his name 47 times. Most of the population died out in the first week.’

‘And so, it gives me great pleasure to present this year’s Vision of Honour prize to Elvis Presley,’ Vishnu said, handing over the commemorative scroll.

‘Thankyuhverramuch,’ said Elvis.

Addendum – ‘Vision of Honour’

On the tiny planet of Weyweydoun word had got out and a large crowd had gathered on the plains of Extrixieth. Priest Milliwopple had had a dream, so it was said, and this dream foretold that a wonderful vision would appear today in the sky at 12:03 pm, and would speak of love, hope and unity. Everyone was very excited and the souvenir vendors were already rubbing their hands with glee.

12:03 pm arrived and the crowd turned their eyes skyward. ‘Speak to us, our Lord, as was prophesised, we await your blessing,’ Priest Milliwopple exhorted to the sky.

Almost imperceptibly at first, the light appeared. It grew rapidly in incandescence, its brilliance illuminating the field below until it soon shone brighter than the sun… and then…

‘Way, Way Down’, sang Elvis.

‘The Lord speaks to us!’ Priest Milliwopple cried, turning to the crowd.

‘Ahh,’ said the crowd.

‘By what name are you known, oh Lord?’ he continued, shaking as he spoke.

‘I am the king,’ said Elvis.

‘Oh, our King, we are forever blessed!’ cried Priest Milliwopple.

‘We are forever blessed!’ cried the crowd.

‘Are you known by any other names, oh King?’

‘Elvis,’ said Elvis.

‘All praise King Elvis!’ shouted Priest Milliwopple.

‘All praise King Elvis!’ shouted the crowd.

‘Oh, King Elvis, we have waited for your coming for countless ages. You have brought light and hope into our lives!’

‘I’m all shook up,’ sang Elvis.

‘He is all shook up!’ cried Priest Milliwopple.

‘He is all shook up!’ cried the crowd.

‘Oh, King Elvis, we feared we had been abandoned and that no one was watching over us.’

‘You were always on my mind,’ sang Elvis.

‘Praise the King!’ said the crowd.

‘But, King Elvis, where have you been all this time?’ Priest Milliwopple asked. ‘We have felt alone in the darkness, with no one to guide us.’

‘In the Ghetto,’ sang Elvis.

‘Ah, and now you have finally come to us, your people. We will worship you always!’

‘You don’t have to say you love me.’

‘Oh, King Elvis, but to worship you will fulfil our lives and allow us to honour your magnificence. How shall we do this?’ Priest Milliwopple implored.

‘Love me tender,’ crooned Elvis.

‘We will love you tender!’ cried Priest Milliwopple.

‘We will love you tender!’ the crowd shouted, adoringly.

‘Please let me through, let me through,’ a woman pleaded, pushing through the assembled throng.

‘Oh, King Elvis, I have sinned. In order to feed my family I have sold myself to men, women and cattle for their pleasure. Could you please find it in your heart to forgive me so I can once again feel at peace with myself?’

There was silence and the crowd sighed.

‘That’s all right mama,’ sang Elvis.

‘She is forgiven, she is forgiven!’ the crowd shouted.

‘King Elvis,’ a man called out, ‘some of us have been enticed by the Great Fido, the canine deity of Poochbarkia. Why should we now worship you?’

‘He ain’t nothin' but a hound dog.’

‘All hail the King!’ yelled the crowd.

‘Wise King Elvis,’ another man shouted, ‘we have been at war with our neighbours, the Pisspithians, for many years. Now they say they want peace, but we do not know if we can trust them. We have a meeting to discuss a truce tomorrow, what shall we say?’

‘We can’t go on together with suspicious minds.’

‘Praise the King!’ shouted the man.

‘Praise the King!’ shouted the crowd.

‘How would you have us live our lives so that we can serve you, oh noble King Elvis?’ said another.

‘Don’t be cruel,’ Elvis crooned.

‘We will not be cruel!’ the crowd cried.

‘Great King Elvis, we wish to be recognised as your people wherever we go. Shall we wear any particular vestments or apparel in your honour?’ Priest Milliwopple asked.

‘Blue, blue, blue suede shoes,’ sang Elvis.

‘We will wear them always, for we love you King Elvis!’

‘We love you King Elvis!’ sang the crowd.

‘I can’t help falling in love with you,’ sang Elvis.

And with that the light started to diminish in intensity, slowly fading back into the azure sky.

‘Oh, great King Elvis we, your people, will forever remember this day of all days and will try to live as you have instructed. You have enriched our souls and we are forever grateful!’ cried Priest Milliwopple.

‘Praise King Elvis! Praise King Elvis!’ the crowd cried.

‘Thankyuhverramuch,’ said Elvis.

And so Elvisolothism was born on Weyweydoun and soon swept the entire planet. A truce was declared with Pisspithians, the Great Fido was put in a kennel and the Plains of Extrixieth now house the largest manufacturer of blue suede shoes in the Multiverse.

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